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Original poster

OLD- should you always avoid men who steer the conversation towards sex?

115 replies

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:07

So I'm online dating in my 30s. My profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship no casual sex or friends with benefits.
Chatting to a guy who seemed perfectly nice initially but after a few exchanges kept dropping innuendos into the conversation. For example he asked what I had been up to that day and I told him I accomplished building a bed on my own with a joke about how exciting that sounds. Straight away he sends something along the lines of "that bed probably needs testing with a couple of people to make sure it's secure ;)"
Ignored this and changed the subject and he then made similar comments 2 more times in the conversation. Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.
I thought it was a bit creepy as I hadn't been receptive to it but he carried on (read the room!)
After the 3rd time I called him out on it and said I'm not really interested in anything casual and his messages were giving those vibes and it's just not what I'm after.
He apologised profusely and said he just has a bit of a jokey, flirty type and sorry if he came across too strong. It's just part of his personality and he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable.
Would you give him a second chance or would it be an instant no from you regardless?

OP posts:
whatshouldIdo2022 · 04/10/2022 11:34

@palmfrond GrinGrinGrin

thisbathiscoldnow · 04/10/2022 11:38

ThisShitsBananas · 04/10/2022 11:32

I do wonder how anyone on this forum ever gets laid 🤣

Everyone is so uptight.

Not at all, I love sex - I'll try anything once 🤣 but it's just simply boring as fuck when someone you've never met starts trying to twist every subject into sex chat 🤷🏼‍♀️

EarthSight · 04/10/2022 11:55

Fedup2387 · 03/10/2022 23:13

Just delete your account and let the universe do its thing when it’s ready. Do Yoga focus on you and when the time is right the universe will bring you what you need. Most men are creepy perverts, even if they don’t seem like it at first. And then along will come someone who is just fucking lovely and you will meet him in the most unexpected way, filling up your car with petrol, or stuck in a shop que, or at a work event or some other real life scenario and it will just flow. Most men online dating are just sitting in their pants talking and swiping lots of women whilst having a wank and seeing who can get them going the most. Delete and be happy. Xxx

@Fedup2387 This is the sort of thing that people who live in safe little first world bubbles say. Come on - THINK.

All those people suffering in third world countries, people who die on the streets out of starvation, or women whose children have been murdered in war. Do you think the universe did it's 'thing' for them when 'it was ready'? It's too late for many of them because now they're dead. Did they not deserve happiness, safety or contentment as well? All those people working 16hrs days in gruelling conditions until they drop - did they somehow not deserve prosperity? Why isn't the universe helping them? Seems like the university is incredibly selective with who it helps and doesn't help.

Redqueenheart · 04/10/2022 12:53

@ThisShitsBananas
''I do wonder how anyone on this forum ever gets laid 🤣
Everyone is so uptight.''

''get laid'', ''uptight''

Are you a teenager?

Having heathy boundaries and standards is not being ''uptight''.

madasawethen · 04/10/2022 13:33

ThisShitsBananas · 04/10/2022 11:32

I do wonder how anyone on this forum ever gets laid 🤣

Everyone is so uptight.

You think it's difficult for a woman to get laid?

Sheesh. It'd probably take all of 10 minutes of trying.
Dick is high supply and low value.

A supposed grown man turning every word into a sexual innuendo is grim and childish and should give their head a wobble if they think they are being slightly funny, flirty, or charming. They're not.

StJeanDeVence · 04/10/2022 13:50

EarthSight · 04/10/2022 11:55

@Fedup2387 This is the sort of thing that people who live in safe little first world bubbles say. Come on - THINK.

All those people suffering in third world countries, people who die on the streets out of starvation, or women whose children have been murdered in war. Do you think the universe did it's 'thing' for them when 'it was ready'? It's too late for many of them because now they're dead. Did they not deserve happiness, safety or contentment as well? All those people working 16hrs days in gruelling conditions until they drop - did they somehow not deserve prosperity? Why isn't the universe helping them? Seems like the university is incredibly selective with who it helps and doesn't help.

Show quote history

Well, that escalated quickly.

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 14:36

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 10:58

@pippinsleftleg @WalkthisWayUK

On the other hand there are some innuendo proof topics for OLD chat, such as;

-Liz Truss
-Haemorrhoids
-Your Dphil thesis in applied ethics

Ha ha 😂will bear those in mind…
FWIW I have a few friends who have admitted to just going with these comments, and then onto casual hook ups. They all said it was fine but they fizzled out quickly, and all women are now on their own, except one who made her hook up a relationship but now he’s had an affair and is an alcoholic…
so the moral is it’s a quick way of finding out who is NOT relationship material

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 14:37

Dick is high supply and low value I spat out my tea at this one! 😧

McHot · 04/10/2022 15:23

I think it's an overreaction on your part OP. And he can't do right for doing wrong because he's owned it and that's still not OK. Ergo. He's not going to get anywhere with you either way. So just unmatch or block and move on I guess

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 15:46

McHot · 04/10/2022 15:23

I think it's an overreaction on your part OP. And he can't do right for doing wrong because he's owned it and that's still not OK. Ergo. He's not going to get anywhere with you either way. So just unmatch or block and move on I guess

“He apologised profusely and said he just has a bit of a jokey, flirty type and sorry if he came across too strong.”

He’s not owned it though, has he? From what OP writes it’s more of a backpedaling plus “take a joke, babe” type situation. And he’s not come across “too strong”, he’s come across weak as fuck. Weak banter. Weak “jokes”. Weak game.

Laurdo · 04/10/2022 16:08

I'm in 30s and was on dating apps for around 3 years on and off. Guys like this never change. They don't respect boundaries and will continue to push them. If he can't flirt or have a conversation without resorting to innuendos then he needs to grow up. You dererve better than this.

Lovemusic33 · 04/10/2022 16:26

Dick is high supply and low value
Exactly this. It’s not hard to get laid, we can afford to be picky 😉

ICanHideButICantRun · 04/10/2022 16:29

It's crazy - he hasn't even met you and is assuming you will want to have sex with him. How arrogant is that?

OldFan · 04/10/2022 17:33

I'm on a Christian dating site and have put on there that I'm Catholic (there's a box you can put in your denomination.)

Like everyone, I'd put that I go to the gym (I am quite into it, to be fair.)

One of them was messaging with me and said 'I'm sure you are fit in more ways than one.'

Oh, purr-lease. I'm for real about my religion, so they're not getting any until marriage now, anyway.

OldFan · 04/10/2022 17:34

Your Dphil thesis in applied ethics

Some people could get a bit filthy with that. Grin

nuttynotty · 04/10/2022 18:02

Agreed that casual sex and low value dick is so easy to get for a woman in her 30's.

If you're looking for a relationship then OLD has to be approached differently.

Any bloke mentioning shagging or trying to shoe-horn crass innuendo into random conversations isn't not a classy man.

The fact you had to remind him a few times, and then got paragraphs of reply (red flags in themselves) trying to persuade you that your instincts and what you are looking for in a date are wrong....????

There's a million like him OLD, they aren't worth wasting time messaging or meeting up. Save your time and energy for the better men who have something interesting to say. We all assume sex is a given at some point when dating, no need to mention it before you've even met him and seen with your own eyes that he isn't a foot shorter and a decade older than his profile!

CousinKrispy · 04/10/2022 18:32

Yeah I've never had a problem getting sex despite having boundaries I'm happy with 😁

"I'd like to apply YOUR ethics, baby!!1!!"

DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2022 19:09

@Palmfrond – that list is worthy of a thread in its own right. Make it so!

@Sundaycoffee – He’s taken your comments on the chin. Says a lot about how he handles being challenged (ie. he’s not gone huffy on you). In your shoes I’d probably give the benefit of the doubt and suggest a coffee date but I do agree that this type of innuendo/flirting so early on should be left to the randy teenagers or "lad banter" with your mates, until you've read the room, so to speak.

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 20:15

OldFan · 04/10/2022 17:34

Your Dphil thesis in applied ethics

Some people could get a bit filthy with that. Grin

“I’d like to blow my fat man up in your cave, cutie” might do it, though it’s a bit more “intro to ethical theory”.

OldFan · 04/10/2022 21:19

@CousinKrispy @Palmfrond I can imagine my sleazy but educated ex immediately asking the person about the ethics of sex work, adultery, BDSM, anonymous sex etc etc. 😡

OldFan · 04/10/2022 21:24

And being a therapist (not mine) he'd then be asking about whether it's something they've ever tried or considered, would be willing to try.

Oh and 'I need a woman to help with an academic research project into alternative lifestyles; fetish and anonymous sex venues' was his opening line. 😂💩

StarDolphins · 04/10/2022 21:36

Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.

might have meant a heated blanket?!

But seriously, this would absolutely put me off, I just don’t think steering conversions round to sex like horny 14 year old is attractive. I am put off it in LTR so definitely wouldn’t be up for this.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 04/10/2022 22:01

no decent guy would want to sext with someone he hasn't even seen! It reeks of desperation.

@ganvough You should see the creatures my friend is "talking to" as she puts it. None of them have ever met. Two are Nigerian. One's local. They're all terrible. All sexting, videos and pictures, and if they ask what she's doing and venture something of their own, just once, she thinks it means they're friends.

McHot · 04/10/2022 23:54

@Palmfrond totally disagree.

Entstoryench · 05/10/2022 00:24

Women's boundaries and intuition have been so denigrated, gaslit and eroded that they question these huge flags even though they feel uncomfortable.

Op, if you feel that something is creepy or has crossed a line, listen to that icky feeling without rationalising it. It doesn't matter what any other woman here thinks; this is about what sirens are going off in your personal situation.

Personally, once someone has crossed over to icky territory, the damage is done and its game over. I would move on without trying to justify or explain your feelings. It doesn't matter if it came from a place of immaturity, nerves or excitement, what matters is that it stirred something in you that you don't like. Listen to that. I fond your example sleazy and he would be filed under 'B' for Bin.

Trust your feelings on this, no matter how anyone explains it away or tries to minimise your boundaries.

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