OLD- should you always avoid men who steer the conversation towards sex?

[Sundaycoffee]

So I'm online dating in my 30s. My profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship no casual sex or friends with benefits.
Chatting to a guy who seemed perfectly nice initially but after a few exchanges kept dropping innuendos into the conversation. For example he asked what I had been up to that day and I told him I accomplished building a bed on my own with a joke about how exciting that sounds. Straight away he sends something along the lines of "that bed probably needs testing with a couple of people to make sure it's secure ;)"
Ignored this and changed the subject and he then made similar comments 2 more times in the conversation. Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.
I thought it was a bit creepy as I hadn't been receptive to it but he carried on (read the room!)
After the 3rd time I called him out on it and said I'm not really interested in anything casual and his messages were giving those vibes and it's just not what I'm after.
He apologised profusely and said he just has a bit of a jokey, flirty type and sorry if he came across too strong. It's just part of his personality and he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable.
Would you give him a second chance or would it be an instant no from you regardless?

You're looking for a man who's also looking for a serious LTR and this isn't him.
A man searching for the same as you wouldn't have sent you sexual innuendos before your first date. He would be focusing on getting to know you and would be polite and respectful. You wouldn't have to explain to a man searching for the same as you how inappropriate sending sexual innuendos to a stanger is, because he wouldn't have done it in the first place! This guy is back-peddling because he knows he's still got a chance of a up his body count. He know he was trying his luck, got pulled up on it and serioualy expexts you to believe he wasnt aware he was innapropriate! He's immature, disrespectful and not after a LTR. Unmatch, keep your standards high keep looking.

I wouldn't bother with this one, they only get worse IME. I find it totally cringey too and don't know how to respond. I also really resent having serious things I say turned into some pathetic innuendo and it makes me feel like they aren't interested in what I say other than for how they can wangle sex into the response. It makes me feel a bit seedy like I'm inviting it because I've say, mentioned I'm having sausages for dinner or heaven forbid mentioned a bed like you have. Confident respectful men don't do this.

Just to add, the real red flag is when they don't pack it in after the first attempt when you haven't responded in kind.

Yes swerve in my opinion x

I wouldn’t give him another thought and just move on. He’s cringey and looking for something different to you - which is fine.

In my experience it’s fee as r more efficient to just fade/delete/ignore and don’t take it personally or let it get to you. He’s just not for you, that’s all. Cut him loose to find someone who does enjoy dull jokes about creaking beds etc.. 😆

I immediately unmatched anyone who started in with those comments, OP, as I felt the same as you. I find flirting insincere and creepy and I wanted to become friends first before proceeding to anything remotely sexual. Fortunately I met a guy online who had a similar approach. Now that we are in an actual relationship we both let our inner Benny Hill come out, I'm afraid, as we've both got a pretty immature sense of humour 😆

For me sexual banter should be reserved for after you actually know each other a bit. I would prefer someone's attitude at first to be "oh that would be a funny thing to say but I don't want her to think I'm sleazy" etc. A respectful person. These days it's like asking for a fucking unicorn.

I think people feel they need to be funny on messages where they wouldn't in real life. Maybe partly because everyone is trying to impress while talking about mundane shit. Why not go for a coffee? I think wasting time on messages is part of the issue.

Have you arranged to meet? Like previous poster has said, many men are just sat in their pants looking for wank fodder when they start shoe horning the sex chat in.

No Chuck this one back - if he’s not meeting your criteria/ makes you feel ‘cringe’ then end it

thing is if they start with the ‘banter’ and you respond in kind , whether you think it’s harmless flirting or not it gives them the impression that you’re up for phone sex/ one night thing etc

my current chap was never crude or vulgar
not once on text or in person - even now

To be honest, I would actually give him another chance.

OLD is a bloody nightmare to navigate - for both men and women.

He showed a lot of self awareness in that follow up message, and actually, the initial messages whilst a bit 'ugh' were not too bad - they weren't explicit and I can see how that could just be misjudged.

He was probably trying to be funny/ not be 'friend zoned' and got it wrong.

If he seems good in other ways, I'd give him a chance to meet and see what he's like.

I am up for casual sex but I would still bin off any man that uses cringe 'flirting' like that especially before we have met in person. I have standards!

My response to this would be something like 'thanks for understanding. Tbh I find messages kind of exhausting sometimes! Shall we just meet for a coffee?'

Just see what he's like in real life, you'll get a much better idea.

How is it self awareness or ‘sweet’?
His reply was that he was just a jack the lad type ( basically). How is that self awareness?

Seems quite simple then. Let me know when you're divorced. Bye.

Well I think it's all very open to interpretation, because it's a message. You can't see his facial expression or body language, so you actually can't possibly know if he's a 'jack the lad' type or not from this alone.

It's not 'sweet' but it shows that he's capable of acknowledging that he misjudged something, which is better than about 70% of men to be honest.

I wouldn't chuck him out until I'd met him if he seemed good in other ways. There's no risk to having a coffee.

If you're not curious then just move on, but OLD is so littered with misinterpretation and misunderstandings because so much communication is done by message. My approach would be to give people a chance - it's not like he sent a dick pick, it was just some misjudged jokes.

Honestly.....you mentioned a bed in conversation I'd joke about that in a flirty kind of way. If you don't want to invite innuendo jokes don't text about beds 🤔 honestly I'm not surprised a lot of women find OLD hard going if they are going to end something before it's really begun over a silly joke?

Flirting ≠ childish innuendo

I agree with the general premise that men who launch into sex talk the minute you contact them should be avoided unless you yourself are looking for no strings sex.

But we all make stupid, cringeworthy comments at times - the sort of comment that you think 'oh fuck' as soon as you've said it - so if he's apologised I might move on from that if he was otherwise exceptional.

Only you can judge OP.

What? Women can't mention a bed in casual conversation without this being an invitation for innuendo? Are you posting from the set of 'Carry on Camping'?

Definitely avoid. And now he's coming across as desperate which is also unattractive.

Even before you've met them? 😵

@AsAnyFuleKno

Maybe I'm just not as uptight As many seem to be

OP I'd have laughed it off. The fact you are not suggests you are probably not right for him not the other way around

I don't think you're uptight OP.

I was cringing inwardly on your behalf when I read his comments/jokes. Urghh. It's not the 'sexual element to the comment, it's the total lameness of it . Reminds me of the Imbetweeners

Sorry all but I would only be interested in a person who has some wit and intelligence to their banter.

I'm not at all uptight. I just don't find smutty innuendo funny.

Maybe I'm cleverer than you