To confront or not?

[Boatinggirl27]

Hi all, I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I have. Long story short….. my partner of 8 months has been messaging an ‘old friend’. When we started dating he’d told me about her and said he’d told her we were going on a date and she’d stopped messaging him. Obviously I didn’t read much into it as we’d only started dating. The other week I noticed her pop up in a message. I did a really stupid thing and I snooped! In no way am I proud and I really don’t need to be told that it was wrong I know it was! So once I’d done that I couldn’t confront him without admitting what I’d done. Thing is it’s eating me up. The messages are kinda ‘friendly’ - she lives on another continent!! In the grand scheme of things since February there hasn’t been that many but it’s mainly catch up type messages, he’s telling her all about his divorce and how he wants to move back to his home town (where I am but im only mentioned once!). I was reminiscing and reading back thru OUR messages and I came across when he mentioned her and he said how she’d blanked him when he said he was dating me and how he wasn’t bothered and how she was a bit ‘bonkers’ anyway. Fast forward to now and I’m thinking well why hasn’t he told me he’s been messaging her periodically throughout our relationship. There’s a message for him one time telling her he’s coming back from a gig drunk and he was on the train. Another one saying ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ …… how do I bring it up without admitting I snooped?? The last message was two weeks ago so they’re not in constant contact? I’m on a run of shifts, we live 50 mile apart at the min and I’m consumed with worry that he’s messaging her!!!

Worrying over nothing op. By the sounds of it.

You don't 'confront' him because he isn't doing anything wrong.

Apart from arguably being a bit fake by slagging her off one moment and then being pally.

Leave this be. You shouldn't have snooped.

Confront him about what? He hasn’t done anything?

@Pinkbonbon thanks for replying. Do you think I’m blowing it out of proportion? I know I shouldn’t have looked but I feel as tho if she’s this ‘old friend’ who he keep up to date with re his life, and messages when he’s drunk (albeit one I know I know!!) then why hasn’t he said ‘oh remember X? I messaged her the other day’……

Just keep an eye on it and his behaviour. For your info..my oldest friend from aged 14 (we are now in our late 50s) is male and he said exactly the same thing to me when both ourselves and our partners were at a wedding last week "I love you as you are my oldest friend"

@Ihatethenewlook confront him about the messages? She sends him pictures of herself, nothing dodgy, just the odd selfie. He didn’t seem to reciprocate? But why is in touch with her after telling me she’d given him the cold shoulder when he told her he was dating me?

@litterbird I feel like I’m constantly watching him! On one hand I feel pathetic but on the other I’m like ‘well why hide it?’

@litterbird in reality I have no idea who she is?? I know there’s nothing physical going on as she lives on another continent!! Apparently when his marriage broke up she was messaging him all the time and tagging him in random social media posts! He told me that! I have no idea whether they were ever in a relationship? He was married for 23 years so she obviously pre dates that! But my point is she could live in Mars I need to know if he has feelings for her? I feel
like maybe he wanted her when his marriage broke up but obviously she lives too far away so I’m almost second best?

Can you just say you'd noticed her text pop up, but not mention the rest of the snooping? Give him chance to either say 'yes we text from time to time' or see if he outright denies any contact?

The messages are not flirty. Maybe she did blank him initially. Sounds like they are just old friends. What exactly do you want him to do? It would be controlling to suggest he stops contact. Have you been cheated on in the past?

Only you know in your gut and your the only one who knows him. If it's innocent then asking him shouldn't be a problem don't have to mention the snooping just ask him does he speak to her and see his reaction and what he says

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I’m going to have to say something and thinking along the lines of saying I saw her name pop up on his messages when he was showing me something?

I had a similar thing happen to me… I wasn’t snooping though, he accidentally opened the messages infront of me… realised and acted insanely guilty and ran off. We had been together 6 months and he was messaging a girl, it wasn’t exactly flirty stuff but was not something I was ok with. We almost broke up over it. He stopped all contact immediately m, deleted her number, and spent 2 weeks telling me he was sorry and convincing me to give him another chance. My advice would be confront him, be honest, say you did snoop, which you are not proud of but in this instance it seems it’s justified! And that he must stop all contact with her for your relationship to work. If he doesn’t do that, then he isn’t serious about you. There’s really no need for him to be chatting to her while he’s in a relationship with you. It’s not controlling, it’s called having boundaries.

@firstmummy2019 yes I’ve been cheated on lots hence my anxiety. I know it’s MY issue not his tho. He is really open he lets me use his phone (fir example if mine is on charge and I want to Google something). I know his passcode. We have plans that we want to stay together he told me he’s never felt anything like he feels for me. Everything else is open, we have keys to each others homes (mainly as we live apart so we let each other in). He tells me how much he loves me daily. So why am i letting a woman on the other side of the world bother me???

@HeythereDelilah101 he’s already said to her ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ so how do I suggest he cuts contact??

@Ihatethenewlook i know this!!! I said at the start I’m not proud of it and believe me I’ve been hurt lots in the past and it really isn’t my nature to snoop!!

These messages don't really sound anything to be getting worked up about. Let alone the fact she's on another continent.

Do you tell him about everyone you know who you message from time to time?

I mean, he's even mentioned you to her.

Come on now op. Don't let your old insecurities ruin your relationship.

Might be worth having therapy session or too to help you heal from past shitty exs.

You partner is allowed to have private conversations with old friends. And if you can't get on top of your own insecurities you'll drive him away.

@DiddlyDoris i hate myself for snooping! I keep telling myself that she is thousands of miles away but it is really bothering me if he has feelings for her! He told me at the beginning about her and how she’d reacted to him dating me by going quiet on me. Stupidly, and I mean stupidly, by my snooping I find out that a few days after him telling me this he is messaging her about living her as one of his oldest friends!! Why hasn’t he just said oh do you remember X? I was messaging her the other day! One of the messages from her says ‘I’ve missed you’??? Missed what?

@Pinkbonbon the message are quite sporadic……. Him: hey hows things how you doing? ….. her: oh blah blah blah and telling hi. About her life….. him: I’m on a train coming home from a gig and I’m drunk!!! Nothing from her….. then pics of her glass of wine and family then her saying she misses him! Then he is telling her about his divorce and custody of children.

His social media pic is of the two of us so it’s not like she doesn’t know he is with me? One of the messages from him says how he wants to move back to his home town to be closer to me but then I get no mention at all? When we announced on social media we were in a relationship she commented ‘oh this is so good I’m so pleased for you both’

You need to take a breath, or maybe have a bit of counselling. You are really letting your past traumas affect your present relationship.
He has an old friend. He was married for 20+ years - so clearly the friendship survived through that time. So it’s not romantic. He divorced - he did not move overseas to be with her.
Clearly - they have known each other a long time, know each other well - and it’s normal to provide support and keep in touch. Also normal to tell a friend you’ve missed them.

You can’t tell him to cut contact with a long term friend because of your insecurities. It’s your issue to deal with.

@MMmomDD thank you for replying. I know it’s my issue but I’m struggling to deal with it? Do I mention it or try to let it go?

You should talk it through with a therapist.

OK so, thers nothing worrying about the situation qt all then.

He mentioned you, she's seen you on fb ect...

So she's presumably talking to him as a friend. What's bothering you about that?

He doesn't have to stop talking to old friends just because because has a gf.

I think he hasn't mentioned her because you're having such a bizzare reaction to knowing he talking to her. He probably knew this would be the case.