To confront or not?

[Boatinggirl27]

Hi all, I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I have. Long story short….. my partner of 8 months has been messaging an ‘old friend’. When we started dating he’d told me about her and said he’d told her we were going on a date and she’d stopped messaging him. Obviously I didn’t read much into it as we’d only started dating. The other week I noticed her pop up in a message. I did a really stupid thing and I snooped! In no way am I proud and I really don’t need to be told that it was wrong I know it was! So once I’d done that I couldn’t confront him without admitting what I’d done. Thing is it’s eating me up. The messages are kinda ‘friendly’ - she lives on another continent!! In the grand scheme of things since February there hasn’t been that many but it’s mainly catch up type messages, he’s telling her all about his divorce and how he wants to move back to his home town (where I am but im only mentioned once!). I was reminiscing and reading back thru OUR messages and I came across when he mentioned her and he said how she’d blanked him when he said he was dating me and how he wasn’t bothered and how she was a bit ‘bonkers’ anyway. Fast forward to now and I’m thinking well why hasn’t he told me he’s been messaging her periodically throughout our relationship. There’s a message for him one time telling her he’s coming back from a gig drunk and he was on the train. Another one saying ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ …… how do I bring it up without admitting I snooped?? The last message was two weeks ago so they’re not in constant contact? I’m on a run of shifts, we live 50 mile apart at the min and I’m consumed with worry that he’s messaging her!!!

@Boatinggirl27 you don’t. You are sabotaging your chance of happiness if you try to stop this. She’s been around years and long before you. Just say you saw her trxt flash up - ‘do you hear from her mucj, thought she blanked you’. It is nothing!

Thanks all for your messages. I’m really trying with this but struggling

@Boatinggirl27

Please try not think too much about her. Like I said take those next steps in your relationship. He tells you he loves you that's something.
I know it's hard to push aside something that you feel is a threat to you and him. He would be with her if he wanted I am sure.
Enjoy your DP and make those future plans.

He tells me he loves me all the time. Tells me he’ll never hurt me or lie to me. I feel like he HAS lied to me for not telling me about this woman or is it just that she IS a long time friend and I’m overthinking? But if she’s a friend who he feels he needs to tell her he loves her from the bottom of his heart and thank her for all the support thru his marriage split, why doesn’t ge share it with me? He obviously thinks about her enough to pick up his phone and message her catch up texts?

@Ithurtbad and the whole ‘if he wanted to be with her he would be’ bothers me as I feel he isn’t with her as she lives on another continent!!

@Boatinggirl27
I am on your side just trying to be positive for you.

He must think he owes her as she has been there like I told you.

Don't destroy yourself or your relationship please as I feel I nearly did.

If you feel he lied maybe you do need to say something to him. Like was there anything more with her and if you find out he lying your over. I don't maybe that's a bit harsh but it will eat and eat at you. It will hurt if he has lied to you. She will always mean a lot to him had to accept that myself but I'm no fool either.
He with me most of the time not here it doesn't matter if they text because that's really all it is. Tbh I have a male friend myself so he can't say f all to me.
I wouldn't advise incase you get into another awkward situation.

Apart from this he is perfect. I feel aside from her he is 100% committed to me, we talk about the future all the time, possible marriage, living together etc. I just feel like this is hanging over me.

@Boatinggirl27 Do you tell him every person you message with? I assume no because that'd be boring for the listener.

He could not have friendzoned her more clearly.

@Boatinggirl27

If you say he perfect apart from that just forget her tbh. Don't think too much of their friendship the exchange in messages because sometimes what you read can be misinterpreted. So best not to look at the phone.

I wish you all the best I do think you will be okay. Anything changes just update.

I honestly would now start focusing moving in, getting married now. Moving in a conversation you need to have.

Stop… Please just stop. Maybe try and get some sleep.
You are trying to create a situation that honestly isn’t there.
Yes, it’s obvious she’d like more from him, but he has drawn a line in the sand with “You’re one of my oldest friends.” That is how he sees her. Nothing more.
This guy has done nothing devious and has nothing to hide from you. Let it go or you will create an enormous gulf of mistrust between you. This is all you and your “What ifs” creating fictitious stories to explain things that aren’t there at all.
Also, you absolutely CAN help how you feel. Your thoughts produce these feelings. Talk yourself through the reality of the situation. Be rational. Your feelings will settle. Stop being a victim of things that haven’t happened and aren’t likely to unless YOU set it up by going bananas with him. He hasn’t mentioned her because when he is with you, she simply isn’t on his radar.

TBH- We don't really know anything from his side. Because her feelings are valid but like I have said to her focus on moving in and marriage conversation. In the OP defense it only seems to be her that has her on the edge. I believe she picked up on something but best to let it go for now. She will never know and to just focus them too. The more you explain to people especially here or offline you will see the crazy one. Remember the boy who cried wolf. We really don't know this why I have advised her to carry with next level in their relationship.
@Boatinggirl27 please just don't watch this lol sick of people making out your crazy jealous as to me you don't seem that way.
What if she was right about this woman and him in a year or 2 and maybe she planning a wedding by then or even married. But still I advise her to be positive because sometimes you gut feeling tells you something not right and sometimes right and I hope she is wrong. She seems to totally trust him apart from that.
Really people need to stop giving her a very hard time. Some friendships a lot of you describe is not what she saying. It's totally different if I got it right she didn't even know about this friend. That's what got her on edge. I totally believe her but again until physically she sees him and her together maybe sharing a kiss or hug that looks completely there's no way through message to know exactly what is going on.

*until she witnesses herself the vibe between them if she ever meets her face to face then no way of knowing anything other than he said she was there for him and looks like he feels he owes her a lot. We going by what she been told is it the truth we don't know. You just got to try trust all is fine while keeping your eyes and ears open still be careful.

@Fraaahnces @Ithurtbad thank you.

bottom line which I just can’t seem to get my head around is, and please some help me see it differently, but if he ‘loves her with all his heart’ and she is such a good friend why hasn’t he mentioned they are still in touch?

when we started dating he’d told me she’d blanked him when he’d said he was dating me? The messages to her around the same time said something along the lines of how much he loves her with all his heart, oldest friend, something about how she was there for him, then she must’ve suggested cutting contact as there was something from him saying ‘no I need to hear from you’ …..? Then mention of me how he was on ‘date number 4’ and something where he was telling her what I’d felt about him how I’d always liked him but obviously he was married so nothing could of happened.

there are voice messages which look like they’re from her kids, I obviously didn’t listen to them, but he replies something about thanks mentioning the kids name. There’s pics of her holding a glass of wine, some of her kids. One back from him of a work scenario. Then he’d messaged her a few months ago on his way back from a gig ‘I’m on a train I’ve been to a gig I’m very drunk.

as time has gone on, they seem more ‘matey’ with him saying things like ‘jet how’s things just catching up’ she’s messaged him asking for ‘all the goss’ and has he moved yet? The last few exchanged were about 4 weeks ago he was telling her all about his divorce and she said his glad she was things were working out and to be patient with everything.

I sometimes feel how if she wasn’t On a different continent would THEY be together? When his marriage broke up wouLD SHE be the one?

he tells me he’s loved me for years - even before his marriage broke up - he never acted on it, he said the last few years of his marriage were really unhappy? Tells me he’s waited all his life for someone like me?

@Boatinggirl27

I can't answer your questions become it's just you don't know really basing on messages.
If he said he waited for someone like you go with it for now.
I really don't know what to say to you.
Until you take that step and move and maybe get engaged you will then begin to see maybe how this friend sees him. If she cuts him off or if she genuinely happy for him. Just hope she not waiting for him to recover from his divorce. Or maybe he given her false and maybe to her both of you not that serious. We never know if she realizes how serious you both are. Or what he has said if you not living together you just don't know. Everything just points to friendship why people have responded to you this way. But I do believe you nd understand your concerns. He seems very into you so please try not to stress. Try do a dinner for you and him and say you want to go to the next level but only if he ready. You don't want to be a rebound or just there until he gets over his divorce. Tbh someone doesn't seem right just hope he not just sweet talking you and he really does love you. I don't think it's just her I think it's him very over divorce. Not sure if he has kids or whatever he shared with his ex. But seems to have been a lot going on for him. Just be careful.
I honestly hope it gets better for you.

OP, you sound very obsessed. I don't think this is healthy and it needs to be tackled before you explode at some point. I get when you've been cheated on in the past, this kind of lack of transparency is a trigger.

It sounds to me like they are friends who may have liked each other at different points. Doesn't sound like they are destined to be together.

I think you are going to have to talk to him about it. Explain you have been hurt in the past and ask him if he likes this woman in any way other than friends?

I would admit to seeing a message on his phone.

what a load of bs. If you are in a committed relationship, random daily chats with other people of the opposite sex is not necessary. And if she doesn’t like it she has every right to feel how she feels. It’s not controlling, how bloody daft.

He has 4 children and was married for 23 years. From what I can gather this woman lived in his home town when he was younger, the town I live in now and the town we are both hopefully moving back to as it’s where his family are. She moved to another continent I think when she was late teens early 20s? My DP went round the world in his early 20s and he stayed with this woman but unsure if they had a relationship ? Then he met his now ex wife. I am close friends with his sister and his parents are ex work colleagues hence how I know them. His dad even said to me that he’d never hurt me. As far as I know he ring have seen her in over 20 odd years?

So he had a female friend... and what's the problem?

From the messages I would say there is really nothing to worry about. You can't go on about "what ifs"- deal with the here and now.

In my experience men do things like this because it is a boost to their ego, the person is a tie to their past/youth , he doesn't think too much about it and doesn't see much significance in it but women see it differently.

‘Bloody daft’ and ‘a load of bs’ because you don’t agree with it? Oh dear!

I stand over my opinion that is absolutely is controlling to try dictate who someone can be friends with and who they can talk to. If a woman posted here that her new bf was getting stroppy about her talking to a long-standing male friend, she’d be told it was a red flag, and rightly so. I’m always extremely wary of new boyfriends/girlfriends who try and erase long-standing friends under any guise, as it’s a means of isolating someone from their friend and support network.

The people who drop friends of the opposite sex as soon as a new boyfriend/girlfriend is on the scene must be pretty shit friends and ultimately end up friendless and unsupported, which is of course what controlling people want.

@sammylady37 i agree with you. I’m not wanting him to cut contact in the slightest I just wish I knew who she was in his life as the fact that he’s keeping in touch with her and not mentioning it is odd to me?

Just ask him. You've asked on here and 99% of posters have told you there is nothing to worry about.

And yet, you won't accept it. You have trust issues and you need to talk them through with him to put your mind at rest.

He should also probably know what he's working with here. No good will come of keeping this in.

I am sure he will understand you have been hurt in the past and therefore lost perspective on what's normal.

Thanks all it really does help having these perspectives. I’ve not mentioned her, I’m trying my hardest to let it go, and she hasn’t messaged again as far as I know (I’m also refusing to snoop anymore!).

had a good weekend and lots of chats. He’s really keen for us to move to the next steps, living together etc. he told me how much he loves me, how he’s loved me for a long time, how he was very young when he got married and the last few years of that were unhappy (even tho he didn’t end it). So as hard as it is, snd my mind sometimes won’t switch off, that’s how I think I’ll handle it? If she does pop up on his phone I’ll maybe see what happens? Im trying so hard to think they are just long term friends but it’s difficult as he’s never mentioned her apart from when he started dating.

@Boatinggirl27

I think your doing the right thing and just let it go.
Enjoy spending time with your DP. He does sound like he loves you.

@Ithurtbad the thing is, and the thing I’m battling with, is I don’t doubt he loves me and wants a future? I’m doubting this friendship he has? If she WAS here instead on thousands of miles away, would it be her instead of me? I do have a photographic memory which doesn’t help in times like this, but at the beginning of us dating there was lots of ‘love you, from the heart, as a friend, never forget you were there, needing to hear from you’ then I was mentioned and how things seemed to be going well, onto date 4 etc. then lots of what seemed like friendly texts, catch up etc. then the coming home from a gig drunk……… I honestly am so torn but after this weekend I’m really trying to convince myself they are old friends? Maybe lovers at some point but know he was faithful for 23 years during his marriage. But don’t know what was said during the year his marriage broke up and us getting together?