Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To confront or not?

102 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 01/10/2022 15:53

Hi all, I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I have. Long story short….. my partner of 8 months has been messaging an ‘old friend’. When we started dating he’d told me about her and said he’d told her we were going on a date and she’d stopped messaging him. Obviously I didn’t read much into it as we’d only started dating. The other week I noticed her pop up in a message. I did a really stupid thing and I snooped! In no way am I proud and I really don’t need to be told that it was wrong I know it was! So once I’d done that I couldn’t confront him without admitting what I’d done. Thing is it’s eating me up. The messages are kinda ‘friendly’ - she lives on another continent!! In the grand scheme of things since February there hasn’t been that many but it’s mainly catch up type messages, he’s telling her all about his divorce and how he wants to move back to his home town (where I am but im only mentioned once!). I was reminiscing and reading back thru OUR messages and I came across when he mentioned her and he said how she’d blanked him when he said he was dating me and how he wasn’t bothered and how she was a bit ‘bonkers’ anyway. Fast forward to now and I’m thinking well why hasn’t he told me he’s been messaging her periodically throughout our relationship. There’s a message for him one time telling her he’s coming back from a gig drunk and he was on the train. Another one saying ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ …… how do I bring it up without admitting I snooped?? The last message was two weeks ago so they’re not in constant contact? I’m on a run of shifts, we live 50 mile apart at the min and I’m consumed with worry that he’s messaging her!!!

OP posts:
LimpBiskit · 01/10/2022 21:49

You are going to fuck up your relationship if you make an issue out of this. You need to deal with your previous experiences as they are leaking into your new relationship and are likely causing damage.

OldFan · 01/10/2022 22:44

You are going to fuck up your relationship if you make an issue out of this. You need to deal with your previous experiences as they are leaking into your new relationship and are likely causing damage.

I don't usually agree with this argument as I think previous experiences can often give women a better antenna of abusive men.

But I think it's right in this case @Boatinggirl27

sammylady37 · 02/10/2022 07:50

If he’s not interested why update her on his life and ask about hers?

Err, because this is what friends do! It’s perfectly normal conversation between friends.

sammylady37 · 02/10/2022 07:52

There’s really no need for him to be chatting to her while he’s in a relationship with you. It’s not controlling, it’s called having boundaries

Nope, it’s controlling. A newish partner (or any partner, for that matter) should not be riding in demanding the erosion of pre-existing friendships under the guise of ‘we don’t need anyone skew, we have each other now’ etc. It’s extremely controlling and step 1 of abuser’s guide, isolate them from friends and support networks.

sammylady37 · 02/10/2022 07:53

*anyone else, not skew!

GreenManalishi · 02/10/2022 08:07

You've found out nothing other than he's got a friend, and has conversations and doesn't feel the need to repot everything back to you. Which is really reasonable. Privacy is healthy. He has probably picked up in a vibe that was off from you when he's mentioned her before that and doesn't want the drama.

If you need to bring this up with anyone, make it a therapist. You'll kill the relationship if you don't shift your mindset on this.

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 08:20

@Boatinggirl27

How are you doing? Is it that you don't trust her?

I don't think you should say he can't have contact with her.

But I would let it carry on but keep and eye on this so called friendship. Sometimes you know the woman who are the only friends ones to seeing the one friend and feeling it's not just a friendship.

Maybe invite her out for dinner even see if she single. Even set her up play it very clever. Then your see his reaction or hers.

Keep yourself open a bit it still early days hang out with male friends too.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/10/2022 08:23

@Ithurtbad she lives on another continent!! And as far as I’m aware they haven’t seen each other for 20 plus years?

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 02/10/2022 09:01

OP, are you happy with your partner talking to and having other female friends? Or is it just this one you have issue with? How would you feel about him having idle chit chat with a female work colleague for instance?

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 09:16

Boatinggirl27 · 02/10/2022 08:23

@Ithurtbad she lives on another continent!! And as far as I’m aware they haven’t seen each other for 20 plus years?

@Boatinggirl27

Please don't worry too much you are here she not.

There is a reason this unsettled while I agree with other posters here. You don't want to lose him by being controlling.

They probably have a great connection which is probably just friendship and she probably does want him.

I don't think you got nothing to worry about just still keep an eye on it a bit but only see if he mentioned they spoke or if he mentions her ask how she is.

My DP female friend lives quite far from us but still he tries to hide from me they talk. Now I am like don't disturb yourself if he was visiting her then I be worried. In fact my situation totally different he was open they talked on the phone. When she said we all can go to the cinema he said no she won't have that. Does she think I am stupid even when I told a friend they were like really are you serious. So I am half and half here.

Just don't dwell on this female friend if he talks about her all the time wants to visit her on his own. But if he did you say let me meet her make a weekend of it. Just let it go for now your are here Hun.

Also do you feel insecure with him anyway like your not enough? Or is it just her you felt funny about?

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 09:28

@Boatinggirl27

My situation different because her family made her marry someone else yes think she wanted my DP.
Even though my DP was honest it out me on edge.
I know he actually liked her a lot through messages I saw on his phone to her. Like when we he was meeting me for the first time. He said to her I hope I like her as much as I like you.

Sorry in your case if you haven't seen any messages that are like this don't worry. She can be after him but it's what he says back. If he not how she talks to him and keeping it just friends then don't worry.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/10/2022 12:00

@Rollergirl11 i am more than happy him messaging female friends he with a with a lot and I see texts and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Even the single ones aren’t a problem but for some reason this woman really bothers me? He’s kept her quite secret other than the mention at the beginning of our relationship. That bothers me!!

OP posts:
Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 12:37

@Boatinggirl27

My guy tried saying I am jealous of every female he talks too. I said no not everyone.

He knows why I am uncomfortable with this particular friend.

If he kept her a secret that would bother me too.
Your uneasy feeling not wrong trust you gut and what you feel.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 03/10/2022 17:57

I just wish I could see these messages are innocent but the more I see them in my head (I haven’t looked at them again!!) the more I feel they are not innocent. I don’t know whether I went as far back as I’d looked but she obviously was really in touch with him after his marriage broke up and he is telling her he loves her with all his heart etc. then saying how he needs to hear from her!!

OP posts:
Ithurtbad · 03/10/2022 18:06

@Boatinggirl27

I do believe you and you seem more trusting than me.

Follow your gut feeling and usually they are right.

But maybe try focus on here and now. The truth will eventually come out.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 03/10/2022 18:26

@Ithurtbad i just cannot bring the subject up. I’m scared it will end the relationship. Do I try and ignore it until I see him messaging her again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 03/10/2022 18:27

@Ithurtbad i don’t want my gut to be right as up until this things seemed perfect snd he has no idea what I’m going thru in my head.

OP posts:
Ithurtbad · 03/10/2022 18:58

@Boatinggirl27

Maybe just leave it for now. If she is far away don't bother about it.

It's a horrible feeling but even if your correct he still with you. Unless he goes to see her or she comes to see him and your there you can watch how he is with her and then it tell you everything you need to know.

For now try not to think about it. Don't bring it up because he will say something throw the trust thing in your face. You make yourself look insecure and if you said I don't want you messaging if you got feelings for her still that make him more against you.

Something is niggling at you a reason but don't know what you can do.

I don't know how serious your relationship is but try making plans to take it to next level. It's really up to you if you feel somewhat not right.

Ithurtbad · 03/10/2022 19:00

@Boatinggirl27
Something* not somewhat

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 04/10/2022 07:33

@Ithurtbad he tells me he loves every day, numerous times. We are talking about moving in together and eventually getting married! I just can’t shake off these feelings.

OP posts:
Dery · 04/10/2022 07:54

“You've found out nothing other than he's got a friend, and has conversations and doesn't feel the need to repot everything back to you. Which is really reasonable. Privacy is healthy. He has probably picked up in a vibe that was off from you when he's mentioned her before that and doesn't want the drama.

If you need to bring this up with anyone, make it a therapist. You'll kill the relationship if you don't shift your mindset on this.”

This. If you can’t shake your feelings, talk to a therapist. I’m usually all for trusting gut instinct but from what you’ve described there’s nothing here and you are projecting from your previous relationship. I have a few close male friends who I communicate with. I don’t tell my DH unless there’s interesting news (one rang recently with a wedding invite, for example). He has a few close female friends he also communicates with and the same applies. Not because it’s secret because there’s no reason to share all our interactions. We love each other and enjoy going through life together. We share a lot but we are separate people who do our own thing too.

There have been a couple of recent threads started by a poster who ended up sabotaging her relationship through her insecurity. Her BF was able to take so much of it and then no more. She’s heartbroken made worse by knowing she drove him away. You sound like you’re going in that direction.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 04/10/2022 08:01

@Dery i feel like I’m on self destruct and I hate it! I just feel that if he’d told me about her I’d be ok. Telling her he loves her, telling her he needs to hear from her, there was mention of how much she ‘helped’ him when his wife left and his he’ll never forget it. All whilst he was beginning to date me. Looking thru OUR messages he’d told me about this friend and how she’d ‘somehow found out’ his wife had left snd how she never stopped messaging him. He then said he’d told her about me, she’d gone quiet which, in his words, were ‘fine by me’!!! But he was messaging her at a similar time telling her how he needed to hear from her!

OP posts:
Ithurtbad · 04/10/2022 09:04

Boatinggirl27 · 04/10/2022 07:33

@Ithurtbad he tells me he loves every day, numerous times. We are talking about moving in together and eventually getting married! I just can’t shake off these feelings.

@Boatinggirl27

So for now concentrate on those steps in your relationship.

I get where people are coming but I get where your coming from too. She obviously means a lot to him as a friend maybe some kind of attachment. He feels he owes her because she has been there for him.

I let it go what I saw the other day. It was her story coming up on his phone he was looking. Not a problem then he scrolled down to conversations see he been talking to her. Just don't overthink it just start focusing on what you talked about.
Make things happen don't push him away.

I know you don't want to move in and get married with this wondering this and that. You will always seem crazy to other people because he not physically done any or do them emotionally.

Push it to the back of head for now.

Ithurtbad · 04/10/2022 09:08

@Boatinggirl27

I meant you will look insecure to other people who don't really know the full situation.

Are you like this with any other female friend can't remember?

Please just enjoy your times with him don't think about what he thinking when it comes to her especially if he says he loves you.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/10/2022 09:19

Telling her he loves her, telling her he needs to hear from her, there was mention of how much she ‘helped’ him when his wife left and his he’ll never forget it. All whilst he was beginning to date me.

I have close male friends. I tell them I love them, thank them for being there for me and how much I value them. As I do with my female friends. There is nothing more than good friendship between us - never has been and never will be. I’d not be happy with a new partner reframing my close friendships as something to be concerned about much less demanding I stop contact.

At the end of the day you either trust him or you don’t, if you don’t you’re never going to be ok with his relationships with other people - if it’s not this woman it will be someone else you just have a feeling about.

Id echo seeing a therapist to work through your own stuff here.