To confront or not?

[Boatinggirl27]

Hi all, I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I have. Long story short….. my partner of 8 months has been messaging an ‘old friend’. When we started dating he’d told me about her and said he’d told her we were going on a date and she’d stopped messaging him. Obviously I didn’t read much into it as we’d only started dating. The other week I noticed her pop up in a message. I did a really stupid thing and I snooped! In no way am I proud and I really don’t need to be told that it was wrong I know it was! So once I’d done that I couldn’t confront him without admitting what I’d done. Thing is it’s eating me up. The messages are kinda ‘friendly’ - she lives on another continent!! In the grand scheme of things since February there hasn’t been that many but it’s mainly catch up type messages, he’s telling her all about his divorce and how he wants to move back to his home town (where I am but im only mentioned once!). I was reminiscing and reading back thru OUR messages and I came across when he mentioned her and he said how she’d blanked him when he said he was dating me and how he wasn’t bothered and how she was a bit ‘bonkers’ anyway. Fast forward to now and I’m thinking well why hasn’t he told me he’s been messaging her periodically throughout our relationship. There’s a message for him one time telling her he’s coming back from a gig drunk and he was on the train. Another one saying ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ …… how do I bring it up without admitting I snooped?? The last message was two weeks ago so they’re not in constant contact? I’m on a run of shifts, we live 50 mile apart at the min and I’m consumed with worry that he’s messaging her!!!

I have a male friend whom I love, and as the years go by, I understand what a great friend he was to me and am deeply appreciative. We live in different countries. He is now married and his wife is a bit paranoid about our friendship which is a big shame. It's nothing to do with her, really!

@Laughingtherapy do you think it’s bizarre? I can’t help how I feel? I wish I didn’t feel like this.

Did you take time single between this relationship and your last?
Just wondered if you jumped into this one.
Because I sounds like you didn't recover from the cheating guy before. Might be worth getting some therapy as other have suggested.

Because yes it's very bizzare to be peturbed by some completely platonic conversation your man is having with an old friend, on a rare occasion, via text, when she us thousands of miles away and knows about you.

@Laughingtherapy i was single for years before I began this relationship! I was happy. I’ve known my partner years as he is a family friend his parents and siblings are my oldest friends. When his marriage broke up he was single for just over a year. I absolutely adore him and want nothing more for this to work but I can’t get past when he’s not mentioned these conversations? If she’s one of his oldest friends why doesn’t he all about her and if she means nothing why is he messaging her???

@Laughingtherapy she obviously has or has had feelings for him or why would she blank him when he told her we were dating? She posts on his social media every year happy birthday etc loads of love emojis. He said he loves her (as a friend?) she said she misses him???

Maybe he actually doesn't give a shit and is just being polite.

I talk to old friends on fb every so often. Can't say the conversations are worth mentioning to others though 🤷

You sure its not just his ego wanting to think she blanked him?

Maybe she was just busy.

I dunno op. I couldn't get worked up about iteven if she does fancy him, she's on the other side if the world and he doesn't seem interested.

@Laughingtherapy if he doesn’t care for her surely his ego wouldn’t come into it? If he’s not interested why update her on his life and ask about hers?

Can you try and restructure this in your mind to try and see it like:

You've snooped through his messages and haven't found a thing to suggest he's anything other than loyal?

He's open with his phone, he has nothing to hide. I don't tell my DP about every single conversation I have and that includes work mates who are male etc. purely platonic.

I wouldn't confront him about anything because you don't want to push him away over this. You checked and found he is loyal.

I'm sorry you have issues due to being cheated on in the past but you don't want that to spill over and interfere with a good relationship.

With some men, ego always comes into it.

Its not about liking her. It's about wanting her to like him.

Also, for attention.

Or maybe, he's just making convo with an old mate. Because.she.is.a.friend.

Look at this way op - has he ever cheated on you? Has he ever cheated on anyone? Does he do anything that would imply he is cheating? Has he even said anything to imply he liked this woman? (And no - 'I love you as a friend' does not fall under that category).

I think you're looking too much into it, he's just catching up.

I have male friends I do the same with. Maybe he doesn't mention it to you because he picks up how you might react. (Like you are).

It's not healthy to try and stop him from speaking to his friends due to your own insecurities.

@Eeiliethya is he loyal if he hasn’t told me he’s messaging her? The messages aren’t flirty from him. @Laughingtherapy no he’s never cheated and he was loyal thru his long marriage.

@Eeiliethya bit her messages to him imply she feels more? He hasn’t reciprocated but to me, if a male friend was acting like they had feelings I wouldn’t be messaging them giving them life updates? Like everyone says she’s thousands of miles away so why?

But he doesn't have to tell you he is messaging her. You've found nothing to suggest that it's anything but friends, if they've been friends for such a long time then they have had plenty of opportunity to move past being platonic and they haven't.

I've been with my partner for 12 years and I don't need to know every conversation he is having because I trust him.

You can't expect him to report all his interactions to you, he will get pissed off and walk away. You've only been together 8 months, if you confront him over a long term friendship you run the risk of him ending the relationship.

If she feels more then he's had plenty of time and opportunity to act on that - but he hasn't. He is with you. Not her

If you haven't read anything to suggest anything is going on then I don't think confronting him about it is the way forward.

If you feel you need to talk it through with him, I'd do what PP suggested and say you saw her name flash up. Just say it makes you feel weird due to your previous experience and see what he says. But I would keep it as far from accusatory as possible.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about but I would probably just say oh I noticed whatshername pop up on your screen the other day, she’s finally replied to you then…or something like that. See how you feel about his response! Hopefully he says oh yeah she got back to me a while ago actually…

Having just caught up with the rest of the messages I see you have been previously hurt with infidelity and this is being transfer to your new relationship. My current partner is in the same boat as you and has some insecurities from the past which recently have been projected onto our relationship. It’s tough to deal with but we have sat down quite a bit to deal with this by communicating honestly and me asking him what I can do to help him right now deal with his issues. We are working hard to over come this. So, I think sitting him down and being open and honest about how this has made you feel and the reasons behind it then you can put this to bed and work together to understand each other a bit more x

OP please listen to what posters are saying - there is ZERO in those messages which is inappropriate or which suggests anything other than friendship.

Honestly if the two of you, you are the one who is coming across as unreasonable and poorly behaved, having snooped and wanting to ban him from contact.

I suggest, like others, you talk to someone professionally about your feelings and worries.

I think you are being too intense and if you are bringing this up it will smack of controlling. He's been open about you on social media and with this friend. He might not mention contact to you because he messed up saying she'd went quiet when he was dating you and he might sense you are prone to being insecure due to past cheating experience. Don't let worthless cheaters from the past spoil a good relationship.

This is your problem and you need to deal with it. There is no threat here only your own insecurities. Don't snoop any more. He's already open and trusting you about his phone. Believe me, if he was hiding anything you wouldn't get near that phone.

@Boatinggirl27

I been sitting on something since yesterday myself. I was next to my DP and noticed he been talking to this female friend he knows I am uncomfortable about. But I have looked through his phone many times in past but said I don't have to look I know who he talks to.
I just can't upset myself with it all. He mostly with me and doesn't see her.

But sometimes your gut feeling is correct just try to not overthink it. Although you can move past one thing and another thing pops up and your feeling insecure again.

The worst part for me him acting like wasn't talking to her in front of people that know they talk especially when I sat there. I tell you something I was like next time will say don't act like you don't talk on social media. Talk to each other we all know your history. I really will one day.

She married but for me despite them not seeing each other every day. There will always be that something between them and I won't have people tell me I am wrong. They will always be in contact with each other which I don't mind if they didn't have that something plus I am no fool.

Just keep your eyes open and listen.

I do know how it feels so hope that for you it's nothing. He totally into you and this woman just a friend.

You need to own your issues.

The reason he hasn't told you is he's not confident your reaction will be proportional and cognizant of his right to have friends.

Owning your issues looks like: trying to resolve concerns through discussion not deception, living in reality, allowing others to make choices that are theirs, communicating anxieties as anxieties not accusations and focusing on your own life and imperfections rather than being so intensely critical of others.

You had no reason to go through his phone. You are much, much more critical of his choice not to mention he was messaging one of his oldest friends than your choice to go through his phone.

Focus on yourself more and remember he's not responsible for nor should bear the brunt of your past relationships.

‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends

What did she say before that @Boatinggirl27 ? It sounds like he's firmly friendzoning her. He's not said anything inappropriate at any point.

I don't inform a partner of absolutely everyone I happen to message as friends. That'd be weird and superfluous.

Let it go.

I have a male friend who has been my best friend since I was a teenager. We often tell each other we love each other and send hugs, kisses etc. We've never been in a romantic relationship with each other.

I wouldn't expect to tell any partner if or when he messages me, or what those messages say. It's never flirtatious or romantic, he's like an older brother to me.

He's not keeping you secret from her and he's not really keeping her secret from you, it's just been too insignificant for him to mention.

He's probably told you she's a bit bonkers either in an endearing way, or because he wants you to feel more secure. Either way, unless it would be really frequent or flirty in nature I don't think you've anything to be concerned about. It's not like he's hiding his phone from you.

‘If he’s not interested why update her on his life and ask about hers?’

Do you not Exchange life updates with your friends? Do you all sit around talking about quantum theory? It’s very normal behaviour to chat about your life with your mates.

I think you might need extra support with this because your behaviour is a bit less so, and i say that as someone who is about to file for divorce over not-just-friends friends. This reaction is out of proportion, you need to address it with someone. He doesn’t need to inform you he’s messaged a friend.

As for going quiet on him..so? Maybe she was a bit into him and then he started seeing someone else so she took a some time to reevaluate. His profile pic is you guys right? He’s told her he values her ‘as a friend’ - he’s made it super clear publicly and privately he’s into you!