New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

*No-one has to be evil

He also sounds sexist and ageist.

Generally I don't find men like that make good, decent partners.

There was a woman on here who uni professor husband had been carrying on a deep and extensive emotional affair with a 20 something student; she saw he'd said to the student that he "found nothing attractive about women over 40" (or something to that effect).

He sounds of a similar ilk, it's not really personality ... Let's face it, we can all think of really interesting, delightful, charming people over 40 (often their life experience makes them even more so). If he can't, there's something wrong with him. He's prejudiced. It sounds more like he's a bit too manipulative to say "looks/attractiveness" so he's said personalities.

A Peter Pan, eternal bachelor, shallow, sexist ol wanker who's lying about his age to get younger women etc. is never going to be decent relationship material. He'll always he chasing younger. And he clearly here's a lot of "freedom". Ahem

And also "he's got to be true to himself".
Self indulgent, airy fairy Bullshittery at its best.

*And he clearly needs a lot of "freedom". Ahem

*Translation: 'Most women in their 40s know what they want, have clear boundaries, are more experienced and less likely to put up with men being wankers.'

Hence him wanting to date women younger than that.*

Exactly.

I'd expand on it to say "most women in their 40s have heard your hackneyed lines/script before mate".

Not on this exact subject but;

20s woman .. "my wife and I don't get on great, were only together for kids, we married too young, the kids came along and I felt I couldn't leave, I'm a good Dad so I won't leave til they finish school, also she's got a lot of problem and I'm a good person so I don't want to just leave her, I feel like you're my soul mate...."

Sometime down the line 20 something woman has a relatively high chance of ending up being ridden like a Shetland pony by him for a couple of months.

40s woman hearing same lines "😂, oh fk off".

You stated your dealbreaker boundary and now you’re tying yourself in knots trying to find a way to let him stamp your boundaries down. It’s tough but you know deep down seeing him is just a desperate attempt for him to show that he cares when he doesn’t.

Men don’t have the power in dating at ANY age. Men prioritize those who prioritize themselves. There are nice men out there but they don’t pay mind to women with low self esteem and boundary issues because those women aren’t on their level. Who wants to deal with a person like that when you have your life together? Not me, or anyone else who is interested in a healthy relationship.

Stop giving this unworthy man your time and attention. Make room for a future man who actually cares about you because this man doesn’t. every moment spent on this loser is a moment you lower yourself.

Good luck OP, most of these me aren’t crap and it’s better to cut bait. Be ruthless and don’t set your bar low. Anyone who does that gets the reward of dealing with the leftover men that a confident women wouldn’t let near her.

It's interesting that being "true to himself" doesn't include owning his actual age - one of the most basic biological facts about someone - to women he's trying to pull.

He has an unusual (and self serving) interpretation of being "true".

Eh it was a long time ago. I'm not in that place anymore. But it's why I feel so passionate about your situation. I'm not trying to project but I guess I am a little. I just hate seeing you don't yourself. You seem really really worried about him and his feelings but you know... What about you and your feelings? They matter too. A lot.

after all he met and made a friend on holiday and she is coming to visit with her kid!!

Yes, a single mother he met on holiday about a month ago is travelling 100 miles out of her way on the very first opportunity (school half term) since the holiday to stay with him, in his home, where they'll be showering, perhaps cooking, sharing meals, hanging out, getting ready for bed etc. with (apparently) their kids (his being someone op has never let to date because the relationship isn't considered long term enough).

Sounds totally legit, raised no questions.

Like why the single Mum feels the necessity or inclination to do this, so quickly/with such apparent enthusiasm and relative urgency after their meeting a month or two ago. Why, if she's been told he's in a steady, committed, established, almost 6 month relationship with a partner, she has felt it's appropriate to do this or at the very least not asked if it's ok with him and his partner.... And we know if she's been told it's ok with his partner, then he's lied to her about that.

Her behaviour is odd, verging on inappropriate towards a non single man; so she is either odd and somewhat inappropriate.... Or she's been given reason to feel her behaviour is appropriate.

(And I stand by my view that this man's assertion that he'd be fine with OP doing the equivalent is BS).

This scenario, from a proven ageist, sexist liar (and most men don't end up divorced single Dads because they were great partners either); lots of question marks are raised.

On a related but somewhat random note op, I mentioned oxytocin...I'd also like to point out that women often feel sex is great with unavailable, push-pull men with whom they feel no certainty.

The misogyny on this thread - as expressed in attitudes about the mother and child met on holiday, and about male-female friendships generally - is absolutely vile.

FFS they've shagged on holiday and she's coming to visit for shagfest round 2. She lives hundreds of miles away so he knows he won't get regular sex from her so is keeping you on the back burner for a shag at home when he fancies it. You've told him it's a dealbreaker if she stays and hes gone right ahead so the desire to shag her again is more important than your 5 month relationship. I've no idea why you are giving leaving him much thought and angst. There's nothing of worth to hold on to here. Get rid of the tosser and move on. You'd be a fool to stay.

I note you've conveniently overlooked the misogyny from the OP's boyfriend in your rush to chastise women @Stravaig

Op, your situation could have been mine..right down to the lack of empathy over a house issue (which he later said sorry for).

Ex actually backed down from having a woman stay with him, crucially it was a woman who he had previously slept with.

I truly wished I had walked away as he was a liar...took me years to find out however. This friend - I doubt the relationship is innocent, if not physical they have a connection. I suspect if the week goes well it will become physical.

The way he treated the weekend away was deceptive as he took away your choice and you are gaslighting yourself if you try to think otherwise.

Yes, decent men are incredibly hard to find but you won't find one by staying with a bloke who you KNOW isn't truthful and has his own agenda.

I understand your feelings of wanting to be in a relationship but this one isn't a good bet. Learn from this. Have better boundaries and importantly honor and validate your feelings as you described how he made you feel.

Quite!

It is not misogyny to state that truly platonic male - female friendships in which neither party would be open to escalating to more if they were single, available etc. are the exception to the rule ....as evidenced by hundreds of women on this site repeatedly in their real life experiences. They just all be misogynists, right.

I would say that situation is mostly due to the men, rather than the women; which strictly speaking would be misandry, not misogyny.

Except it isn't misandry to state common behaviour in men. And most men do not make or sustain true platonic friendships with women (in the absence of an existing relationship).
Women who believe in platonic friendships come a cropper of this on a regular basis.

It is also not misogyny to point out that the mother in this case is acting oddly, for someone in a very new, not well established platonic friendship (which is really an acquaintance at this point) with a man who lives a considerable distance away and is himself in a steady relationship.

To point out that the woman's behaviour is somewhat odd, and question the motivations and perceptions behind it, is not misogyny; get it.

This woman's level of enthusiasm and effort for a fast reunion with ops "bf" is running alarm bells.

He, with his lying about his age to get you get women on old, and apparently thinking women over 40 have no "personalities" and his open ended offers to personally accommodate women he meets on holidays ... Is also ringing alarm bells.

But we're all just misogynist and filthy minded. 😊

Imho opinion, he's playing both women, while pulling the "Must be true to myself! Muh independence! I'm just such a nice guy, I can't help it! I don't want to fight about this!" routine.

He's not a nice guy, but his delusions apparently stretch to self delusion too.

This would also fall under misandry as well, I suppose. If not true.

Might I also just add a warning to any 39 yr old women on this thread that your personality is going to be magically and irrevocably sucked out of your consciousness on the stroke of midnight at your next birthday ..... Commiserations!

On the plus side you get to join millions of personality-less women like me in our state of bland nothingness, and as an addition bonus also you won't get romantic interest from aging Fuck Boi's like op's hopefully ex bf.

Probably

Wtf 🤬! Seriously???

He is now sounding like a misogynistic twat, sorry.

I bet he is the kind of guy who says he loves women...

Except it's not Hilda from the corner shop he likes. It's younger, attractive, sexually available women he has a penchant for. Just yuck.

Hahaha! Yes of course.

Please do not meet a man like this face to face to essentially beg him to (at least pretend to) give a shit about you when you both now know he blatantly doesn't. It's just masochistic - you are inviting him to abuse you further. And the really awful part is that you are devaluing yourself enormously and demonstrating that you really have no game whatsoever and no idea how to manage a man like that. If you want him, you should drop him like a hot potato. No face to face, no apologies, just block and ghost. This would show you value yourself and think you could do better. He'd be all over you like a rash wanting what he can't have. Begging him to be nice to you is just pathetic, and actually kills any attraction.