New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

If it was me I would just ghost him but you are a grown woman. It is ultimately you're decision.

Ask yourself during the conversation you have is anyone prioritising me now?

OP aren't you concerned about the moral boundaries of a man who welcomes a friendship with a woman who carts her teenage daughter across the country to pimp her to an indifferent teenage boy?
It's either that or he is just using this story to justify the visit - still creepy.
Sincerely, good luck.

OP, if a man wants you he doesn’t send mixed signals. He doesn’t have you second guessing yourself and feeling like you have to read relationship books to work out what’s wrong with him. If a man wants you he is there, present in your life, making You feel happy and secure. His man is just not that into you. He’s worth nothing to you except a land of pain.

Oh I was just about to (half seriously) suggest this.

Well, quite.
But I'd assumed that was a fib

Have you heard from him OP? The withdrawing of affection/attention after lovebombing is part of the abusive cycle. It makes you reluctant to challenge anything to avoid the silent treatment.

When you've read that Natalie Lue book, read it again. The red flags she talks about are exactly that, dealbreakers. So many women talk about red flags, but that means stop.

It doesn't mean, negotiate, talk to him, tell him you are upset, get his side of the story, get closure, see whether he has insight, try to persude him to prioritise you, beg for more attention, floor your self-worth, accept crumbs.

It means STOP. Do not engage further. This man is dangerous to your emotional wellbeing.

This guy is batshit. So he’s going to let some random woman and her child he met on holiday come and stay in his house? And he thinks that’s normal?

If what he’s telling you is legit, why does she need to stay in his house? Why can’t she stay at a hotel nearby?

Why has she asked to stay at his house at all? I find that extremely odd that you’d foist yourself and your child upon a stranger in that way. Who does that?

He’s ignored your feelings, lied about it and is letting her stay because he needs to be ‘true to himself’. What?? What does that even mean? So him being ‘true to himself’ is dismissing his partners feelings and prioritising another woman’s feelings, who is essentially a stranger?

She apparently ‘knows all about you’. If that’s the case why does she think it’s appropriate to ask to come and stay in his house? No reasonable woman, with honest intentions, would do that.

He’s taken you away on this trip, to essentially butter you up and keep you sweet so you’ll be less likely to challenge/question him when you did find out she was still going to be staying. It’s simple manipulation.

Of course he’ll say he wouldn’t be bothered if the tables were turned. Because he’s trying to minimise his behaviour and he doesn’t want you to question it.

The fact that he lied on his dating profile, shows how capable he is of lying about other things.

You are worth more than this. If this man genuinely cared about you, he wouldn’t even have considered letting this woman stay at his house. Because he’d already know it’s inappropriate when he has a partner. You shouldn’t have to point this out.

Look how anxious and stressed he’s making you feel? If he’s ignoring your boundaries and feelings this early on, already lying to you and making you feel this shitty, then he’s not a good guy to be with.

If you're looking for someone who prioritises you, why are you wasting your time, energy and headspace on someone who clearly doesn't?

I don't get it

Flaxseedblueberry

that Natalie Lue book is a painful read
I read it this summer
split with him
then got back together
then split again

this time with no closure , no conversation

the best thing I’ve done is keep a diary
reading how much hes stressed me over the year (all of 2022 !) helps solidify the decision

you’ll get there
and look your desire for a significant other
it’s understandable

Jesus many of us want that
and it’s feasible
but hoping people will change…..

I suppose I don’t believe he is evil. I think he is selfish and has different standards and priorities to me but I don’t think he set out to hurt me. Maybe I’m naïve but I just want a civilised conversation at the end. Our other conversations when I’ve raised something have been calm and mutually respectful so I don’t think this will be a surprise or a disastrous conversation to have. I could be wrong but I can’t just ghost or send a text after 5 months.

Why not? He's lied to you. You set a very clear boundary, he said okay and then just trampled over it.

He's not a decent man. He's a manipulative arsehole who told you what you wanted to hear so he could fuck you last weekend.

I don't believe you when you say you want closure for you. You're still hoping he's going to back down. You're clinging to a notion of who you want him to be rather than who he actually is.

I suppose he didn’t agree not to invite her. The subject was dropped without a clear conclusion so it was never that he backtracked, he just made the decision and didn’t tell me.

You must do what feel comfortable with
But FYI: Not being evil is an extraordinarily low bar to set for a romantic partner

You are right. But I’m currently dealing with an exH who is evil and makes my life utter hell so I suppose not evil is a major plus point here 😂

I understand wanting closure by seeing him in person OP.

Just remember that the reason you've been feeling shit and insecure over the past months is because of him. You really are better off without him.

Hello OP, I had an ex exactly like this and we ended up on/off for about 3 years. He wasn’t “evil” but he wasn’t clear especially when it came to exes and female friends, and did exactly this sort of thing.

We are putting this one thing under scrutiny here, so some of the replies are magnified, but I agree that it’s best to end it, close it off completely, and draw a line under it.

You don’t owe him closure. By meeting, he could draw you back in, so this pattern continues. He’s a persuasive kind of guy. Best close off at distance.

Good luck. Step up on self care & make sure you give yourself lots of love. Xx

It’s very common after an abusive relationship
to shift to an emotionally unavailable fucker

you ain’t the first or the last

you’ll learn and get your bruises x

our bars will be sadly low
it’s almost textbook

Did you meet up yesterday?

Sorry if you've said. Comments get cut off on the app so I can only see half!

I suppose he didn’t agree not to invite her. The subject was dropped without a clear conclusion so it was never that he backtracked, he just made the decision and didn’t tell me.

This is thinking in the right direction. There was an unresolved discussion and it was your responsibility as much as his to resolve it. Before the weekend, which you each seem to have ascribed a different meaning to. (You, that he'd acquiesced; him, that you'd be reassured.)

Trying to limit and control my friendships would send me running in the opposite direction. Taking responsibility for your own insecurities and your own choices would be a positive.

You are a good catch but somewhere along the way someone(s) have gotten into your head and made you doubt yourself.

The part where you said, "no men ever have to think that hard. They just do what they want."

That is the key for you. Men will test you early to see how much shit you will put up with. You either tolerate it and make excuses for it or you reject it. Then the guy will step up or he'll slink away for easier pastures.

It's hard to stop once it's been ingrained and drilled in woman to be nice, accommodate, compromise.

So right now, you're still on the fence because you're smitten with this guy when you really don't need to be. Sticking around with him doesn't change anything. It never gets better. It's a matter of not thinking that hard about any guy and doing what you want first and if a guy does anything you don't like, then dump.

At the beginning he lied about his age. At what point did he tell you the truth? Was this before you'd actually met him or after? At what point did you decided that it was ok and let it go?

Now think about and count how many times he's done something you didn't like.

Questions like that will help you see points in a relationships, where it was at and your feelings at the time.

Regarding his age I asked outright on the second date as it didn’t really seem to add up. I wasn’t bothered by his actual age as that was still within the range of what I was looking for. He told me he has an issue with getting older but also that ‘most women hand their personalities in at 40’ which obviously was another red flag I ignored

He gets better with every revelation 🙄

@Stravaig

Trying to limit and control my friendships would send me running in the opposite direction. Taking responsibility for your own insecurities and your own choices would be a positive.

The OP has not tried to limit or control his friendships. She hasn’t told him he can’t be friends with this woman.

She told him she wasn’t comfortable with her staying in his house (and while she’s not there). And that in itself isn’t being controlling either, that’s setting a boundary.

If he didn’t like that boundary, he could’ve said “That’s fine. Seems like we aren’t going to work then” and ended it. Simple. He didn’t.

Or he could’ve said “Ok, well I’d still like to meet up with her and her DD as would be nice for the kids to catch up. However I understand you not being comfortable with her staying at my home, so I’ll suggest she stays in a hotel when she visits”. He didn’t.

See how easy, reasonable and logical those two options were?

This woman ‘friend-that-he’s-only-known-for-2-weeks’ (so hardly a good or long term friend, but more of an acquaintance), does not need to stay in his home. There are things called ‘hotels’….