New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

The answer to that would be key to his underlying feelings/intentions I think.

Even if his intentions were purely platonic; he's being wilfully naive (absolute best case scenario) by not wondering why this lady is dashing up at the next opportunity, 100 miles out of her way, to take him up on his (one would have supposed open, casual invitation to visit). And in wondering do, not coming to the conclusion that perhaps she is "keen", and perhaps it is best to politely discourage her.

On top of that is the fact that hosting her, and having her spend more time with their kids (while his girlfriend has yet to even meet his child) is making his gf feel uncomfortable.

He had no empathy, or does not give a fuck if he cannot truly imagine any negative feelings about op having a single man she met on holiday come and stay with her the first chance the man got, a considerable distance out of his route, and spend time with her and her child (who he has yet to even meet).

This is all inappropriate, but he either cannot see it or chooses not to.

Now he's casting this scenario as him not being controlled and being "true to himself". 🙄

And this is the nicest interpretation of his behaviour.

The fact that he lied by omission to get intimacy etc with op before actually telling her he was going ahead with hosting this woman inspire of her clear discomfort...suggests the nicest interpretation is not even the correct one.

*in spite of her clear discomfort...

Also if he wasn't sneaky, disrespectful and manipulative; he'd have told op straight he was going ahead with hosting the woman .. before shagging her throughout a "romantic" weekend.

Op his behaviour was evidently making you unhappy and unsettled even before this "I must be true to myself and have this single woman and her dd to stay even though her behaviour suggests someone who is keen on me/thinks something is happening or will happen between us ... And it involves more time with another woman one on one around my child (he had no choice on the hol but is actively chosen) while my "girlfriend" has not even been introduced" shite.

I'm another one who thinks he doesn't deserve the face to face talk, he'll just use it to manipulate you (or as others have said gas light and insult you).

You wouldn't not be being decent by not ending it face to face. It's a 5 month relationship. His behaviour has been bothering you throughout by the sounds of it, his behaviour around your weekend together was utterly shit - very deceptive, exploitative, manipulative, and his attitude to this whole thing is .... Well, it's been said many times in the thread.

I guess it depends on what you mean by getting away with it. If you're breaking up with your dude I wouldn't say he's getting away with it really. You held your ground,

My sister's ex is similar to yours but worse.
He is now having his checks garnished like crazy because he has this lovely "hobby" of dating 18/19 year olds. Pressuring them off of birth control because it's against his "religion" and then impregnating them and then suddenly becoming very busy once they test positive as he goes off to the bar to brag about his accomplishments to his boys.

He now has 14 children all from different mothers no joke! And he never pays child support. Well now the US government is stepping in and basically forcing him to pay up. He never gets taxes back anymore and now he has a horrible track record in his area.

The women including my sister actually have a Facebook group where they constantly trash talk him and try to find out who his next victim is so they can save her the pain and suffering. They have had 4 interventions so far. His dating life is essentially null and void.

This catches up with men eventually. He has no visitation rights with any of his children and his oldest 2 hate him. He gets very butthurt when he hears one of his "children" calling another man dad. 🙄 His mother and Siblings found out and they have disowned him and are financially supportive of his unfortunate offspring.

I wouldn't call any of that getting away with it.

This.

Closure is vastly overrated.
He'll tell you you are wrong.
You'll waver and doubt yourself.
He'll go on the defensive and find fault in you and you'll take on those criticisms as facts about your supposed character flaws and settle for even less respect the next time.

Why bother?

Do your own closure via a text reiterating your dealbreaker. No blame - just he knew your position on this and he's free to do what he wants but that it's indicated that you both want different things in a relationship yada yada all the best bye.

And this.

Closure is vastly overrated.

It's also something that tends to come some time down the line, when you've processed everything, the feelings have faded and you can see them objectively ... Not when you're still attached, hurting badly etc.

You'll only see him and the "relationship" for what he/it is when you've recovered from the feelings you've caught over the last 5 months.

I know I need to listen more to my discomfort early on. But on the other hand there is lots of advice about being open minded and not overly picky.

Never ignore the discomfort - that you need to listen to. IME, if you're single, there's often an assumption that you're doing things like refusing to date men under six foot tall, or refusing unless they have dark hair or a certain job. There's a lack of realisation that actually, there aren't that many decent single men out there and the ones you're turning down, you have perfectly valid reasons to turn down.

I've compromised with some things with my partner. But he is my best friend, loves me for who I am and has never, ever made me feel insecure or tried to gaslight me. I feel secure and loved. But I think unless you can accept being single, you're always likely to put up with wankers. Decide it's great on your own, and then you can be as picky as you want. Then the right man might come along and if not, well you've made a life for yourself on your own. I did that for many years.

It is 5 years since my exH left. I have had relationships since but I have been on my own too. I’ve got lots of friends, supportive family and a good job plus things I do for me, but ultimately without a long term relationship I haven’t got anyone prioritising me. I want to have someone to spend Christmas and my birthday with. I want to have a next of kin if I get admitted to hospital. I want to be part of a team and have someone help me with big decisions or practical issues and do the same for them. A lot of people say you need to be happy with being single but I need to have a meaningful connection with another human being.

Agree with the assumption that others may think I’m turning decent men down but they just aren’t there. Even the ones who disguise themselves as decent aren’t in the long run.

I’ll read the books, do the Freedom programme, have the therapy but I think a really decent man will still be elusive.

The decent men are elusive. But that's not the point. The point is knowing which ones aren't decent. And yes you may be surrounded by them but at least you will know who they are and to not waste your time on them. The first step to finding the elusive decent men is knowing that no matter how sad or lonely you are to not bother investing your time on the indecent ones. Because of you are with a terrible man got will still be lonely on your birthday and Christmas.

You are right. But when I recognise straight away that they are all ‘indecent’ (good term! 😂) I’ll be denied even the little bit of hope you get at the beginning. And I suppose that’s what I’ve clung onto. I will try doing it differently though, don’t think I’m not grateful for all the advice 💐

Telling someone they should visit if they are ever here and having them stay with you are not the same thing.

Are you still going to meet up with him OP?

Currently yes. I hear and acknowledge what you are saying but I feel I need to do it this way. You can tell me you told me so afterwards 😆

And that's why men get away with shitty behaviour, because they know they can 😶

You asked how men get away with shitty behaviour towards women OP and it's because of things like this 😞

It's a shame you've read all the posts, seemingly agree with them but are still going to meet him.

I think you're going in order to try to get him to say the right things and keep seeing him, not to end it and just do it face to face to 'do the decent thing'. I think in order to grow its worth acknowledging that that's your motive, to yourself if not to us, so that you are conscious you're not a passenger in this. At this point he's not just doing this to you, you're now an active participant in someone making you feel rubbish.

Which is totally your prerogative and I'm just a stranger. It's just so sad seeing another woman tie themselves in knots for a man who isn't worth it.

If you meet up with him you know he'll emotionally manipulate you. You are not safe to meet with him. Just send him a text and tell him it is a dealbreaker and it's over.

Then block him.

No need to see his face ever again, and then he can't hurt you anymore.

Please, please don't meet up with him. Please don't.

Oh @Flaxseedblueberry, if you go, he'll do the good old DARVO on you (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender). You'll come out of it confused, ashamed, feeling guilty for rocking the boat and questioning your reasoning. It will undo all the progress you've made towards cementing your boundaries.

However, it's entirely your choice and if you think you won't find peace otherwise... who are we to say you can't?

but ultimately without a long term relationship I haven’t got anyone prioritising me

Well he's certainly not, and he's got to stay "true to himself" (🤑so he's definitely a waste of your time and emotion.

Btw what an absolute wanker to come out with phrases like that (at all, but esp in that scenario, which is unappropriate given his relationship status).

But when I recognize straight away that they are all ‘indecent’…I’ll be denied even the little bit of hope you get at the beginning.

You should never have even the slightest glimmer of hope in a liar. A dishonest person should be ejected immediately.

I’m truly sorry that you are choosing to swallow more of this master manipulator’s shit sandwiches. It’s troubling to imagine you waiting to hear from him after he’s been connecting with his OW and showing her a really good time.

@Flaxseedblueberry you talk the talk but don't walk the walk. You don't need to read books. If you're the prize and he's not treating you like that, then move on. I know how difficult it is (I have had to do it in December) but soon after I found a man who really appreciates me and treats me so well.
There's only one closure: the one that comes from inside yourself, he won't give you the answers you need.
If you meet him and you get back together, he now knows you don't mean what you say and there are no dealbreakers so he'll break the deal every time he feels like it.
Block and delete; if you want to be polite message "I told you her coming to stay was a dealbreaker. Don't contact me again" and then block and delete
If not, then be ready for more heartbreak

What is the role of the woman’s Dd here? Did she really pressure her Mum for the weekend? It feels very icky. The Mum facilitating taking her Dd to meet a boy who isn’t that bothered.

Are both the woman and this man using her as a smokescreen? It all feels icky.

But if it is the Mum, I can’t imagine many more tricky environments in which to start or continue an affair than amidst two teens, who stay up late, etc.

Yeah I would agree with your first instinct. Deal breaker