New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

I now can't find the too many queens bit in HJNTIY, I might have mixed it up with a similar book.

It's still very good though.

Every day you continue a relationship with this wanker is a day further away from potentially finding a lovely bloke.

And being happily single is far preferable to being with a wanker, so I'm not saying the end goal = man.

Because we put up with their BS so they don't need to put any effort.

Luck of the draw.

Though I do believe there are more asshole, sex oriented and degenerate men out there than women.

I'll get flamed but generally when a man is divorced or separated, it's because he's shit relationship material.
When a woman is, it's generally because safe was with someone who was shit relationship material.

There are exceptions to every rule of course but ...

Those men then just become circulating trash, their relationships lasting as long as it takes for their partners to find out they are and to get rid of them (both of which can take years).

You'll only increase your chances of a decent one by responding very quickly and ruthlessly to signs; which (not trying to be horrible but) you haven't done ... Because you've already felt the need to consult self help books re how his behaviour was making you feel, he's already made you feel uncomfortable etc before this incident. Ideally you shouldn't have been with him for it to happen, but since you are it's just vindication that you were correct in your discomfort.

Because most men are socialised to think they are the prize and most (straight) women are socialised to think men are the prize, unfortunately.

Entitlement from men, low expectations from women = plenty of men get away with treating women horribly because plenty of women allow them to. Not victim blaming, just blaming socialisation and society's outdated, shitty gender roles.

And I think fertility and age has a lot to do with it too, as if a woman wants children then I do think it affects the decision made in their 30s especially and many will perhaps settle for a relationship they wouldn't do in their early 20s or mid 40s plus.

I know I need to listen more to my discomfort early on. But on the other hand there is lots of advice about being open minded and not overly picky. I really feel finding a decent man is needle in a haystack territory.

This poster always speaks sense and has hit upon very valid points too.

But on the other hand there is lots of advice about being open minded and not overly picky.

From whom?

They sound stupid 😆

Nail on the head here. I definitely accepted awful behaviour from exH as I wanted children. I’m a feminist but I’m still socialised to be nice, self sacrificing etc. Logically I should give up hope of ever finding a decent man but hope is a dangerous thing.

Why would you even want a face to face conversation about it. You told him it was a deal breaker and he's chosen to invite her. He's quite clearly shown you that his wants and needs are more important than yours. You let this go and he'll trample over every boundary or deal breaker you have

Further on my theory about many divorced and separated men (esp when kids are involved because many women would do anything to avoid breaking up their kids nuclear family) being shit relationship material; many of them don't become divorced etc. to then replace their relationship with exactly the same thing (monogamy, commitment, restrictions etc) .... they werent any good at that/"couldn't" really do that even in their biggest life commitment (marriage & kids) so why would they want it when they got their "freedom". There are legions of them saying the field, they only end up with women who'll put up with every bit of their shit without expectations or restrictions or boundaries. I know several who are eternal bachelor types but who are "with" women for home cooked meals, housework and sex when they can't be bothered to find it. They took years and years to live with them, and there were plenty of break ups along the way.

*playing the field

Guess what OP!

If you break up with him, he'll tell you it's your problem and you're unreasonable and then after he has had his single mom "Friend" and child stay over for the weekend and probably shag her!

He'll come back looking for you and state "Well we were on a break!"

Guarantee it!

BTW! All the photos he's shown you from the holiday, was she in any of them! Probably not! He's very getting at keeping things separate.

He's a creep! Its just you are too involved to see that! That's why you're doubting yourself!

Why don't you listen to yourself?

Why are you so accepting that your disquiet is not worth listening to?

Why do you think you are unworthy?

Logically I should give up hope of ever finding a decent man but hope is a dangerous thing.

Unfortunately the divorced and separated men are high in assholes, players, degenerates etc etc.

However it is a numbers game and there are decent ones.

My aunt was divorced relatively young due to her ex's infidelity, she was single (and in unhealthy relationships for quite a while). She always socialised v enthusiastically (likes bands performing live at countryside hotels etc.), she eventually bumped into a divorcee (in her 40s maybe) whose wife had cheated on him. They've been together ever since, seem well suited and happy, had a lovely wedding.

He is a builder who has built their lovely home, and annexe for her son and family.

We have a disease in our family that left some male members in wheelchairs from young adulthood; before they passed away, my uncles would go out to concerts and stuff as long as he was with them, something they were too nervous etc to do before.

It can happen.

Finding a good apple is not that extremely difficult but you can't be "open minded and not picky" about it otherwise you'll find yourself with shitty partners a few months down the line. Have high expectations and do not dismiss red flags.

@Flaxseedblueberry when he sent you "loads" of photos from the holiday, was theirs woman/her daughter on any of them? If they spent a lot of time together surely he would be open in showing you his new friends?

The answer to that would be key to his underlying feelings/intentions I think.

Just double checked as nothing stood out at the time. Lots of photos of him plus kids, quite a few group photos or with other people in the background, mostly kids but a couple with women in. Nothing that would make me concerned or threatened…

So OP, are you going to end it?

Why are you meeting up with him to discuss a relationship issue when the relationship should be ending?

It's not a decision by committee to end a relationship.

He hasn't made you feel good.

You don't want to not feel good.

This isn't working.

A face to face meeting is an opportunity for him to talk you round and I know it's tempting to think it will 'fix' things but there's no benefit to meeting for you.

It just seems like the decent thing to do. I try to behave well even if others haven’t.

Plus I want to look him in the eye for closure.

Logically I should give up hope of ever finding a decent man but hope is a dangerous thing.

No, no, no!

You should give up tolerating shitty men, not give up hope of finding a decent one!

And centre yourself in your life. It's what (almost all) men are taught to do.

If something isn't working for you, it shouldn't be in your orbit - including a man who isn't making you happy.

This relationship is done now, you've reached the point where the dynamic is anxious and tainted.

Instead of spending months trying to 'be cool' and get back to the calm nice happy bit, write it off as a lesson learned and make this the last time you keep dating someone who makes you anxious and unhappy with their behaviour.

This is female socialisation in action.

He has made you anxious and unhappy.

He has lied to you.

He told you what you wanted to hear and basically admitted he did so because otherwise you wouldn't have had a weekend shagathon.

It's lunacy to meet up with him when you're the wronged party who has been made to feel anxious, upset and probably a bit icky re the weekend as he lied to sleep with you by pretending he respected your dealbreaker.

OP, there is no benefit at all, whatsoever to you meeting up with him!

Do you think that if you're really honest, you secretly think / wish that if you meet up and he sees how much it's upset you then he might say he'll make it up to you and you'll let him?

It just seems like the decent thing to do.
Well, he didn’t treat you decently so maybe you owe him the same approach.
I think you are kidding yourself , there won’t be any closure - he will talk you out of break up or he will tell you a lot of unpleasant things which will affect further your self confidence.
You’ve told yourself that hormones affect you, well, much less when you are texting, believe me.

…there is lots of advice about being open minded and not overly picky.

Walking away from a liar is not being overly picky. After discovering his age lie, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day.

He feels entitled to lie to women to get what he wants. First he misrepresented his age and then pretended to care about your feelings re Holiday Woman staying over. He conned you with the big weekend gesture. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Meeting up “to see if he has any insight into his behavior” = giving him another opportunity to manipulate you. He’s a danger to your emotional well-being. Why on earth would you present yourself to this snake again? That would be an exercise in self-harm.