New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

Yes bloody oxytocin. These hormones play tricks on our minds and make us overlook the red flags.

If he has gotten wind of the thread then he may see how ridiculous he is being.

It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

I’m already reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl as I was trying to make sense of his mixed signals previously.

Text contact is low effort, low investment - it costs pretty much nothing, it can be dashed off while doing almost anything else, it's not a good indicator of priority, effort etc. Many people have found this out to their detriment, including myself.

Real time carved out, real meetings etc. show priority and investment.

It sounds like hid behaviour has already been confusing, destabilising and annoying you, this isn't out of the blue, it's just worse.
He doesn't sound like good relationship material.

Honestly OP, all of your updates scream to me that he’s a player and that you’re investing a lot more in this relationship than he is.

He’s already lied about his age - he’s lied by omission regarding this woman’s visit. He is basically keeping you sweet.

Anyone can send lots of texts and photos - how personal are his messages? Could he be copy/pasting and sending them to other women too?

As for meeting this woman on holiday - the only reason I would be driving halfway across the country to stay with someone I met on holiday would be for a sure thing! Not to cart my (apparently) keen teenager. Just sounds like total bollocks.

Oxytocin from sex seems to effect women more.

I've always wondered if it's to make them cling to the potential fathers of their children (before reliable contraception appeared relatively recently) because even a below par father is theoretically better than no second parent at all when it comes to mother and baby survival.

He’s already lied about his age

I didn't see that.

I got into a relationship with an older man (9 yrs older) who lied about his age for the first month or so of the relationship; he proved to be generally dishonest, and all round a right wanker.

It's a signal of poor basic honesty and integrity.

You can see the dishonesty coming through in the lying by omission to get you to be a willing participant in the "romantic" shag fest weekend.

I have to wonder how you've been represented to this woman who's going a 100 miles out of her way to visit him on the first holiday her child gets from school after they met too.

Yep it sounds like it's only difficult to coordinate meeting up with him because he's too busy juggling all the other women he's lying and manipulating to in his life. Busy busy man. I highly recommend getting tested.

oh op, your boundaries are all over the place.

You thought you had decent boundaries but men said you were too strict so you worked on yourself and took them down.
You thought you were in good place boundary wise, neither strict nor easy, but another man says you are still too strict so you don't agree with him over something that you feel is a dealbreaker.
However many many women are saying you aren't strict enough.

You are an abusers wet dream right now. You not only have zero boundaries but you are willing to go even further in your effort to have a man. Any man

Time to be single, get some real boundaries in place. Seek professional counselling. Dump his manipulative arse.

Oh OP, it sounds like you don't want to end it so you're just going to let him talk you round even though he literally admitted he lied to you so his plans for a lovely weekend of shagging weren't ruined as the truth would have meant you not shagging him 😞

Come on now, don't you want better than that?

This. Even if this guy is out of her life she's still clearly high risk as a target for another abusive relationship. She really needs to get to know herself better.

@Flaxseedblueberry

Please don't let this man manipulate you any further! There is really no need to meet up with him face-to-face to discuss this. He is entirely disrespectful towards your feelings and boundaries.

It also doesn't matter and is completely irrelevant whether they were shagging or not on holiday. For what it's worth, making a female friend on holiday and then inviting them to stay afterwards on a completely platonic basis seems extremely unlikely to me.

Regardless, as above, he is disrespectful towards your feelings and your boundaries. The moment you expressed any doubt about this woman staying, he should have reassured you that it wasn't going to happen, instead he went ahead and did it anyway.

Is this really the type of man you want around your DC?

He will have all the "insights". He knows what he is doing. He doesn't care that he has upset you and caused you sleepless nights. He will attempt to pacify you so you continue to have sex with him, on his schedule and you will continue to feel dreadful about it.

It also doesn't matter and is completely irrelevant whether they were shagging or not on holiday

Well, that's not entirely true.
Op should finish with him no matter what by the looks of it, but the above would be proven outright cheating on top of everything else.

For what it's worth, making a female friend on holiday and then inviting them to stay afterwards on a completely platonic basis seems extremely unlikely to me.

I can see someone who's spent two and a half weeks on a holiday becoming increasingly pally with another parent and child giving a friendly "lovely to meet you, you're welcome to visit us if you are ever in our neck of the woods" when parting company .... It's more the other parent's actions that makes me think something went on, or she thinks something will happen .... First opportunity she gets since the holiday, she's going 100 miles out of her way to visit him. 🤔

The fact that he then apparently "can't" say no (even if it's polite excuses which might get her to step back and doubt the mutual enthusiasm/priority) further makes you wonder what the dynamic is between them.

instead he went ahead and did it anyway.

And worse still, withheld the fact that he was going ahead with the visit until after he'd got his end away over the weekend.

@LemonDrop22

I mean in terms of whether the OP should finish with him or not. I've also never personally heard of a situation or circumstance where two 'single' male and female parents have met on holiday and become so pally they start travelling to one another's houses. Just screams dodgy.

Although, I also don't believe in the concept of male and female platonic 'best friends.' Again, I've never encountered a situation where a man and a woman have so much in common they want to spend loads of time together, unless of course, one of them wants something more than friendship. None of my friends or family have close opposite sex relationships, and the ones that have protested 'friends only' either are secretly shagging or suspiciously start shagging once the other partners are out the way. That's just my lived experience.

I can predict what will happen. OP will allow this man to sweet talk (manipulate) her and make her feel unreasonable for objecting to his 'friend' staying. Then, in a few of months (if that), he will test her boundaries again and continue to behave in a shitty manner, but by that point they will have been together for longer and met each others friends / families / kids. OP will feel she's got too much to lose by splitting up with him. Therefore, OP is setting herself up to accept this shit behaviour. I've been there. It doesn't get better, it's never a one off.

He sounds like a player, BS artist, conveniently airy fairy (true to myself!) fuck boi type. I bet his ex could tell you a story or two.

You'll be made to feel uptight and judgemental etc even when you're feeling how the majority of people would feel (see the responses in this thread).

If he was just trying to do the entirely correct thing if building a relationship for a year or two before introducing you to his child and vice versa (while acting consistently, honestly etc towards you) that would be one thing, but keeping you completely separate from his child; while hosting single women he's met on holiday in his home and hanging out with both their kids ...... Smh

Agreed.

(Also that true platonic male female bestie friendships are very rare).

I bet he will also trot out the classic:

'I didn't have to tell you she was coming to stay, but I decided to because I wanted to be honest. I wouldn't have told you if there was anything going on, would I?'

🙄

The thing that pisses me off I’d actually I think I’m quite a good catch. Why are men not trying to be the best they can be and keep me? Why am I and other women having to resort to reading so many books about men and relationships when I bet no men ever have to think that hard. They just do what they want and women suffer the consequences.

is not I’d

My ex met another single parent on a single parents holiday and hit it off.

He had the decency to finish with me first before seeing her again though.

Run OP

You don't have to read those books. You know what you're happy with and what you're not. U you're allowed to dump this pointless man because you don't have to settle for a miserable relationship where you beg him to think of your feelings. YOU think of Your feelings. If you can't do what's best for you why would you expect him to

I suppose it’s the power imbalance I find so disturbing. Why do men get away with treating women badly? Women seem much more invested in having good relationships than men do in general. I guess it about mens’ ‘marketability’ on the dating scene remaining high through their 40s and 50s meaning they can go for much younger women. They have more options, they can treat women badly so they will. And women then get blamed for having poor boundaries.

He’s sneaky and this isn’t thing most women would be okay with.

The power imbalance is because men say you are too strict so you roll over and work on yourself. Why did you do that? Why didn't you say no, its not me?

That is what you need to figure out. Its fom your past, not the present. Stop rolling over. You are doing it right now, why?