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Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 29/09/2022 22:49

I’ve been told so many times in the past that I’m too critical so I’ve worked on being as reasonable as I possibly can be but it does mean that I’m now too nice a lot of the time.

Who's told you that? If it's the men you've been dating, ignore them. However, I was told quite frequently by my mother and some of my peers that I was too picky and critical so I dated someone I would never otherwise have gone near and ignored the signs he wasn't right for me. It was a huge mistake and I will always regret it. These days, I am as picky as I damn well like and so I have an amazing partner, rather than the dipshit I put up with when I believed I was somehow too critical.

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 29/09/2022 23:16

WisherWood · 29/09/2022 22:49

I’ve been told so many times in the past that I’m too critical so I’ve worked on being as reasonable as I possibly can be but it does mean that I’m now too nice a lot of the time.

Who's told you that? If it's the men you've been dating, ignore them. However, I was told quite frequently by my mother and some of my peers that I was too picky and critical so I dated someone I would never otherwise have gone near and ignored the signs he wasn't right for me. It was a huge mistake and I will always regret it. These days, I am as picky as I damn well like and so I have an amazing partner, rather than the dipshit I put up with when I believed I was somehow too critical.

Yes by men. Usually when they’ve done something I haven’t liked

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 30/09/2022 06:26

Flaxseedblueberry · 29/09/2022 23:16

Yes by men. Usually when they’ve done something I haven’t liked

Show quote history

How very self-serving of them. You are entitled to your own boundaries and your own feelings OP. You do not feel happy, safe and respected with this man, so trust your own judgement.

WisherWood · 30/09/2022 08:13

Yes, what @DropOfffArtiste said. That's just self-serving bullshit. They do something you don't like, you bring it up to them, they turn it back on you.

This isn't to say you get to dictate their behaviour but you're perfectly entitled to say 'I don't like that'. They can then choose what they do with that information but at the very least they should acknowledge that boundary, not make it a fault of yours that you have boundaries in the first place.

QS90 · 30/09/2022 08:23

Lol my otherwise very loving and respectful OH tried this a couple of times when we were newly together, many years ago (that is, I was being too picky about this and that). I told him to (ahem!) naff off and stop trying to tell me how to think and feel (and to stop being lazy!). He hasn't tried it again since! He was very young at the the time though - only 22 ( I was 24).

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 09:06

I think that forging a closer bond with you whilst knowingly continuing with a plan that you said was a “dealbreaker” is utterly disingenuous

This.

I think I know why he's a divorced single father.

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 09:14

I'm also a bit suspicious about the underlying motivations, on one or both sides, of a woman going 100 miles out of her way to stay in the home of a bloke she met on holiday.

Were they truly platonic on holiday?

Given she apparently knows her dd I'd interested in/attracted to his son, why does she think it's a good idea to put her under his roof with his son for two days & nights, at 14 yrs old? Quite odd and irresponsible.

Even odder if she knows he has a gf/partber of 5 months. Have a feeling you've been minimised or left out altogether (to her).

Bet he cheated on his ex.
Sounds like there's still tension there.

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 09:19

Flaxseedblueberry · 29/09/2022 23:16

Yes by men. Usually when they’ve done something I haven’t liked

Show quote history

What a coincidence.

Bet they wouldn't have liked you doing the reverse to them.

Oh and I think its equally BS that he'd be perfectly ok with you having a single Dad and his kid you'd met on holiday going well out of his way to stay with you in your home; right after you'd spent a weekend shagging him.

He wouldn't.

It if he truly would, then he doesn't give a fuck.

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 09:22

Most people would come to the conclusion the single Dad was interested in you (at the very least) or at the most that you'd hooked up on holiday.

Most boyfriends would not be ok with it.

Just like most girlfriends.

Hes also very manipulative, dishonest and disengenuous to go ahead with a romantic weekend with you, having decided to go ahead with hosting this woman ... But keeping it from you.

These are not qualities you look for in a good partner.

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 09:26

Yes by men. Usually when they’ve done something I haven’t liked

I've had a man (who I was not attracted to and dud not want to have sex with) tell me I was "selfish" for not being willing to have sex with him.

Men come out with the most laughable BS.

What they say has no merit, you don't take it seriously.

Arenanewbie · 30/09/2022 09:54

I actually don’t think that you not seeing his son yet is an issue here. This woman met him
on a holiday so it’s a bit different. However all other things….
He is bringing younger woman whom he just met on holiday to stay with him??? And when you’ve told him that it would be a dealbreaker for you he went behind your back and tried to gaslight you with a weekend??? FFS???? And he wants to be true to himself and let me guess that’s why he’s lied in his dating profile about his age.
Get rid of him, he’s not reliable.
Txt him that you’ve had good fun together but looking at the bigger picture you don’t think that you are compatible so it’s better to end your relationship. And that’s it. Then block him and don’t engage, he would lie and gaslight and try to shift blame , just spare yourself of this.
Put this relationship to “widening my experience “ and move on.

Doggiedoodoos · 30/09/2022 09:57

OP have you had any kind of conversation with him about this since you got back from your holiday with him? Have you explained to him that you now feel duped?

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 30/09/2022 10:02

Doggiedoodoos · 30/09/2022 09:57

OP have you had any kind of conversation with him about this since you got back from your holiday with him? Have you explained to him that you now feel duped?

When I asked when he was planning to tell me and why hadn’t he told me straight away he said it would have spoiled the weekend as we’d have ended up talking about it when we were away. I said he’d taken my choices away by not sharing the information and he did apologise. He later texted to say sorry he’d upset me about ‘having people to stay’. Then it’s not been mentioned since as I wanted to get my thinking clear.

OP posts:
witchyw · 30/09/2022 10:08

Arenanewbie · 30/09/2022 09:54

I actually don’t think that you not seeing his son yet is an issue here. This woman met him
on a holiday so it’s a bit different. However all other things….
He is bringing younger woman whom he just met on holiday to stay with him??? And when you’ve told him that it would be a dealbreaker for you he went behind your back and tried to gaslight you with a weekend??? FFS???? And he wants to be true to himself and let me guess that’s why he’s lied in his dating profile about his age.
Get rid of him, he’s not reliable.
Txt him that you’ve had good fun together but looking at the bigger picture you don’t think that you are compatible so it’s better to end your relationship. And that’s it. Then block him and don’t engage, he would lie and gaslight and try to shift blame , just spare yourself of this.
Put this relationship to “widening my experience “ and move on.

Seconded

witchyw · 30/09/2022 10:10

Sweet Jesus
Is this real? He's so blatantly manipulative, he could write a manual on the subject

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 10:14

"Having people to stay" ... Nice vague euphinism(sp) for "having a woman and her dd I met on holiday to stay in my home".

To reiterate what I said above; I find it quite odd that a woman who's only met a man in holiday would drive or travel 100 miles out of her way to stay in his home with her dd. It can be quite personal/intimate staying in someone's home; sharing meals, cooking, showering, going to bed etc etc. It's quite full on for someone who supposedly is only a new "friend" acquaintance from a holiday (and who had no other reason to be in his immediate area).

It makes me wonder what the true dynamic between them on the holiday was. Or why she'd feel it was appropriate.

Do she's either pretty inappropriate, of she's been given reason to think it's appropriate.

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 10:15

*So she's either pretty inappropriate, or she's been given reason to think it's appropriate (by his behaviour).

mewkins · 30/09/2022 10:15

witchyw · 30/09/2022 10:10

Sweet Jesus
Is this real? He's so blatantly manipulative, he could write a manual on the subject

Agreed. Op, if I were you I would be very clear as he doesn't seem to understand 'dealbreaker'. Say: if this woman and her child come and stay with you, our relationship is over.

Doggiedoodoos · 30/09/2022 10:19

Having people to stay... what deluded life is this man living?

OP seriously send him one message telling him his 'new friend staying' was and still is a dealbreaker and start looking around for a man with a normal mentality and view on relationships. Manipulation at its best.

witchyw · 30/09/2022 10:19

I would be fine with him having whoever he wants to stay because even if he cancelled the arrangement (he's probably lie though) he's absolutely not worth bothering with
He is a player, he will break your heart 100% certainty

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 10:21

When I asked when he was planning to tell me and why hadn’t he told me straight away he said it would have spoiled the weekend as we’d have ended up talking about it when we were away. I said he’d taken my choices away by not sharing the information and he did apologise. He later texted to say sorry he’d upset me about ‘having people to stay

The bottom line is still "I'm going ahead with doing something you said you were very uncomfortable with/did not want, but lied to you by omission about it so I could have a chilled weekend fucking, and you'd be too attached/loved up to dump me for it".

And fwiw I don't think most people would have been ok with it. Most people would think something was going on, or at the very least the woman wants there to get something going on. And who gives open ended invitations to people of the opposite sex to stay in their home when they're not single in the first place. Some people would infer they were interested in them/open to something with them; maybe she's one of them.

Also shouldn't his girlfriend/partner's wishes trump the wishes of an acquaintance from holiday?

Instead he's just trying to have both and walk all over the gf. "I'll do what I want but, there, there, I speak so nicely and I'm so reasonable ...."

LemonDrop22 · 30/09/2022 10:22

mewkins · 30/09/2022 10:15

Agreed. Op, if I were you I would be very clear as he doesn't seem to understand 'dealbreaker'. Say: if this woman and her child come and stay with you, our relationship is over.

Show quote history

It's past that point.

Even if he doesn't have them to stay, he's shown what he's like. There will be more of the same. No way is this isolated.

This started way before now with the bonding and invite to the other woman on the holiday (while seeing the OP).

Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 30/09/2022 10:25

I definitely feel better about my own reaction now. I think it’s weird to invite her and she’s weird to invite herself. She must live at the other end of the country so I don’t think it’s the start of anything romantic but they are probably going to get some ego boost and feel super cool for being so relaxed about this type of thing whilst uptight people like me get jealous. It’s reassuring to know my feelings are normal and others would feel the same. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flaxseedblueberry · 30/09/2022 10:28

He messaged very regularly on the holiday and sent tons of photos. He was open about getting on well with the other people. But I guess I’ll never know whether something more went on. I really didn’t have any concerns as I did trust him but obviously feeling differently about it all now.

OP posts:
witchyw · 30/09/2022 10:29

Absolutely, as pps have said- most people (me and more importantly, you included) would not be ok with this woman coming to stay
He's working out how far he can push you and how well you can be pulled back in. He is practising how to manipulate you and if you don't see this red flag you are setting yourself up for potentially years of misery and wasted opportunities for happiness and a peaceful life