New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

I’m only guessing about her age. I know literally nothing about her. But agree the lack of honesty is a red flag

I can just imagine the four of them, laughing and joking, drinking wine with a take-away, whilst you sit at home waiting in the wings. No fucking way. Also, the thing that's broken in your house? He should be trying to fix that, not laugh about it. That's what a good man would do.

@Flaxseedblueberry Hi again OP.

I'm getting the impression from your posts that you are considering staying with him and letting this 'transgression' go. Please leave this man and don't make excuses for his behaviour. I've done that too. I can guarantee you will find yourself posting again on here about this man.

Put your feelings first and yourself. A good man would not behave like this. My DP would never, ever disrespect me in this way. You deserve the same.

This is absolutely not about you controlling his friendships. My DP has a plethora of female friends, colleagues and has healthy boundaries. I've never, not once, had to worry about them or felt that he was putting one of them before me. He respects me far too much.

I am crap at letting people get away with stuff which I shouldn’t. I’ve been told so many times in the past that I’m too critical so I’ve worked on being as reasonable as I possibly can be but it does mean that I’m now too nice a lot of the time.

I've always stood up for people introducing new romantic friends to their kids. I mean, why is it fine to invite Susan from work over for a coffee/wine but not Bob (who you may or may not end up sleeping with). It's not like you're introducing them and saying 'say Hi to Bob, he's your new Daddy and is going to reading your bedtime story/giving you a bath etc etc.
So, my point is. He met this woman on holiday where the kids had already met. So he's not uncomfortable with his kids meeting new adults and indeed, inviting them to stay (who does that these days?) So, I don't understand why he's keeping OP at arms length. Plus the uninviting of meeting his friends because his ex wife might be there. Alarm bells. He's a player OP.

For a people pleaser he doesn't seem too bothered about pleasing you does he?

And now he knows that when you say something's a deal breaker you don't mean it - so you've literally given him the green light to do anything - and you'll still be there waiting on the scraps.

He told you he wasn't going to tell this woman she couldn't come, he was hoping she'd just drop it. I expect he was hoping she would come - but also hoping you wouldn't ask about it, in which case he'd probably never have mentioned it.

He's not good OP, he a manipulative liar who know you'll put up with anything. That's a very vulnerable position for you to be in. You really need to stick to what you said when this first came up and bin him.

You told him it was a deal breaker. He took you away, presumably enjoyed lots of sex and only when you asked him, did he admit she's coming to stay. GET RID. It's bloody weird. What parent takes their kid to stay in the house of some bloke she met on holiday and hardly knows. How are they gonna spend their evenings when the kids are in bed I wonder. Tell him to fuck off.

Fundamentally, you’re tying yourself in knots here and I think that’s what should worry you most. Whether you’re right or wrong to object to the friend staying (and she might be doing it to please her daughter), things have moved on in your relationship but this is still festering. It’s not surprising as this guy hasn’t behaved well here, he’s lied by omission and ignored your feelings.

Relationships just shouldn’t be this hard, there will always be moments in the early days when you might have different expectations but you should have each other’s back. If this visit was really important to him, he could have talked it through with you properly and reassured you. I don’t think this man will make you happy in the long term.

Out of interest, what’s the thing that has gone wrong in your house that he finds so funny?

@BreakfastClub80
this - exactly

He should have spoken to you clearly and openly about it so that you could both make informed decisions

He lied about his age on his dating profile too - said he was 47 when he was 52 at the time. Only told me the truth about that when I asked directly.

🚩

Freedom programme is definitely a good shout OP, well done for wanting to do that.

My toilet door has fallen off. Super funny clearly.

However he has just apologised as having re-read my messages he didn’t realise it was my toilet door, he thought I was elsewhere apparently. Now I feel bad for discussing that here! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m sorry your so upset

but this is grim behaviour and hurtful

the sooner you walk away the sooner you will feel better

OP it doesn't sound like you're actually considering ending it with this guy?

He lied to you right at the start (the age thing), and has since told you what he knew full well you wanted to hear about the woman staying (aka lied to you) in order to spend a weekend shagging you when if he had been honest you wouldn't have spent that weekend shagging him. It's all a bit icky.

He doesn't sound like he's going to make you happy, does he?

It should be easy and fun five months in, getting to know each other in an honest and open way. Instead he's shown you he's comfortable lying a couple of times now and as a result you're understandably anxious.

Don't keep seeing someone who doesn't make you happy and calm.

I agree with @wellhelloitsme

It will feel worse in the short term to not see him but be brave..it will leave room in your life for someone more suitable when you’re ready. Trust me, I’ve hung on to relationships that have been well past their sell by date, but learned the hard way!

I'm a bit surprised by his age tbh. I had assumed he was much younger (wasn't doing any sums).
Nah, he knows what he's doing and that includes gaslighting you. He'll have noticed that you're not replying to his texts as frequently/quickly/ fondly and he's trying to reel you back in.
As pp suggested just tell him that you too have to be true to yourself and that it's a dealbreaker for you, so goodbye and good luck.

Ditch him! You've only been together 5 months. Move on!

But OP wouldn't have shagged him if he'd told her he was still having the woman over. That's why it's not enjoyable to her anymore, because it was done under false pretences. If you shag a 15 year old who lied about their age or omitted to give their real age, you may have enjoyed it at the time - but would you not feel manipulated and horrified on learning the truth? Or you tell someone your deal breaker is not dating anyone married, and they omit to tell you they're married and you sleep with them, have a great time - is that not manipulation because the truth has been omitted to create a false impression.

He's in his 50s. He is mature enough to know that when a woman lists her deal breaker, you don't romance her knowing fully well you'll be hurting her with the truth eventually.

You're hungry, you eat the delicious food in front of you, you're satisfied. Fin

What happens if you're severely allergic to nuts, and someone omits to tell you the delicious food has nuts in it (despite knowing of the allergy). Still satisfied? Maybe fin though, coz you may be dead....

OP have you had any therapy to get to the bottom of why you have accepted intolerable behaviour from previous ex's and this man? It might help you to understand yourself and your responses and then build back stronger boundaries for the future?

I’m currently waiting for therapy on this very issue.

I am going to speak out of turn here. I'm sorry for being blunt and this is none of my business of course, so feel free to ignore me but- You don't need to meet this woman, even if he facilitated a meeting you're going to be uncomfortable and you'll learn nothing.
Have a handyman fix your door and spend some time on an activity you enjoy. This man is an arse. Show yourself and your children some love and respect. You're dating Mr Wrong. Without a shadow of doubt you will be miserable if you don't end this. 5 months is very early, it's not going to get any easier.
Lots of love

We accept shit from partners because we want everything to be ok and we don't always have the confidence to meet our own needs. Counselling is an excellent idea

Of course he knew it was your toilet door. Where did he think you were? It's more gaslighting on his part to part to say he thought you were elsewhere and so laughed at a door falling off. And he's back peddling now because he knows he's pissed you off and you've gone quiet on him as a result.

And he's 52!! I despair of men like him who never grow up.

Also, the first red flag was him lying about his age. No decent man does that. Not one.

OP I’m usually very slow to suggest ending a relationship, but I don’t see a happy future for you with this man. First he lied about his age. Then he asked if you mind him having a woman staying over, you said that you do mind and it’s a dealbreaker, so he drops the issue and ‘love bombs’ you and has sex with you while still planning to go ahead with what you said was a dealbreaker.

That’s incredibly dishonest and disrespectful to you. It’s clear that he does not care about your feelings. This isn’t a one off. He’s telling you that he’s always going to do whatever he feels like, no matter how unreasonable, and you’ll just have to put up with it.

I hope you find the strength to end this and look for someone nicer. This man is not nice.