New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

So, are you being rude and hostile now? Or not? Is this still all fine? Just checking.

And by not agreeing with you, I’m ‘gaslighting everyone on this thread’? Again, just checking.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed about your feelings OP, they're completely natural.

So he went on a 2.5 week holiday with his son, but you know nothing at all about this woman he met. Has he not showed you a single photo from the holiday? If it was that intense I don't believe he didn't take a single photo of the woman. Why has he not told you a thing about her, even her name?

If you're having trouble sleeping now just thinking about this, then consider how you're going to feel when she's actually staying at his. You'll be dying inside, wondering if anything is going on between them.

Personally I'd get rid. He should be eager to see you this early on in the relationship, not just being a good pen pal on text.

The issue here isn’t him having his son’s friend and his mum to stay, or the fact that he’s having a woman to stay at his place. Or the fact that it’s a women rather than a man. Or that he made his own choice, rather than going with what you said was your preference.

The issue is, do you trust him not to cheat physically or emotionally? Because from your posts it sounds like you don’t trust him, and you’re trying to minimise his opportunities to cheat by asking that this woman doesn’t come and stay.

If you don’t trust him to be around a women in his house for two days without accidentally on purpose shagging her or getting too close, then you should break up with him, whether she comes or not.

If you do trust him, then it shouldn’t bother you.

I always find it a bit weird when women and men get funny about their partners spending time with people of the opposite sex or having friendships / making new friendships with them. If your partner is the kind of person who will cheat given the opportunity, then you need to really question your relationship, not just try to minimise their opportunities!!

OP, you are so unhappy because you know this situation isn't leading anywhere good. It's hurtful that you had such high hopes for this man, and he turned out to be not who you thought he was. It's often tempting to try to force a relationship to work when it clearly isn't right, or to turn a blind eye to behaviour which should be a huge warning sign. I've done this in the past, and I always regretted it.
Sometimes, paying attention to your emotions is exactly the right thing to do. Relationships are built on feelings. Or destroyed by them.
If you want to eliminate the blaming part (fun for us, less so for you, I'm sure!), then the simple fact is that this relationship is causing you huge stress and making you unhappy. In my early 20s, I would have tied myself in knots trying to make this work, and probably ended up a sobbing mess when it ended horribly. Now, as I'm nearing 50, I would have had him in the bin the second he admitted that this woman was still coming to stay.
He might be a lovely man, we can't know because we haven't met him, but even if he is, he is not the man for you.

We can both put things in bold, if you like.

Very passive aggressive and hostile. I bold comments that I respond to, as do most posters on this thread.

I’ll repeat myself, as it apparently slid off your brain

You don't think this is hostile and nasty? There was no need for that.

Then there is your what exactly is wrong with you hysterical attack.

You're clearly a very angry and aggressive person.

Charming.....

@CatsandFish A few of us have responded with similar thinking to @Tsort. It would be better to state your points generally to the thread rather than making personal attacks (which are being reported and removed).

So, I ‘lashed out at you’ by putting words in bold, after you’d put words in bold?

And after you’d accused me of being a side piece, being OP’s boyfriend, advocating lying and disrespect, and not caring who I hurt with my behaviour…my asking you what was wrong with you is a ‘hysterical attack’? The things you said were sane, balanced and not at all rude or hostile?

Note, I haven’t called you any names of accused you of anything. You think the angry aggressive person in this exchange is me? How truly fascinating.

The original quote was you slagging me off to another poster, so ‘giving back what I’m dishing out’ by sniping to a third party?

Disagreeing with you is not gaslighting.

Your comments are very strange and problematic. They are being deleted for a reason. Mine are not. Perhaps you should reflect on that.

@Tsort You are being disingenuous. You made a snide comment about me quoting you in bold. You know you were being sarcastic. That wasn't necessary.

You said your words 'slid off my brain'. And you dare think I am the one being rude?

There really is no need for you to be so hostile.

So, why are you being so hostile, then?

Yes, I ‘dare’. Again, do you think the things you’re saying are sane, balanced and not at all rude or hostile?

I am not sure which part has alarmed me the most.

But a mother taking her 14 year old daughter for a weekend as she fancies his 14 year old son, is quite beyond me....

I know there are some shitty parents out there, but I doubt this is the real reason for the visit. It is just what he told you.

You're the one who started being hostile, even your reply to the OP was hostile.

Do you honestly truly think you are right in thinking it's ok what the OP's boyfriend has done and how he's disregarded and then deceived her? Do you honestly think you are right and 99% of us are wrong?

MN is very funny about relationship length, I've noticed that unless you've been with someone for about 10 years you "barely know him". Weird.

Exactly and if she has no boundaries where her 14 year old is concerned she wont give a stuff this man is in a relationship.

My guess is they were shagging like bunnies on holiday and she thinks he is single and this is the start of something but because she is currently so far away he needs a closer shag in the OP so will keep her on side too.

You tagged me. You started this exchange, and you were rude from the outset. You then amped it up. It’s subsequently been amply illustrated by your MULTIPLE deleted comments which of us has been rude and hostile.

‘Lots of people think this, therefore you must agree to it, how can you think we’re all wrong?’ isn’t the checkmate you seem to think it is. The fact that you seem to believe holding a different opinion to a lot of people is ‘gaslighting’ is incredibly problematic. Fortunately, it’s your issue, not mine.

I’m done with you, now.

Yup this sums it up.

Next!

OP, if this man and your interactions are making you feel anxious and worthless, isn't that enough of a red flag for you to try and protect yourself?

Help yourself.
Don't make your life harder.

He's a player and he's using you.

Let her have him.

If he was into you he would not have behaved as he has.

Protect yourself before you make yourife harder.

This is a red flag, and I suspect there are more. The fact that you are giving so much headspace to the whys, and wherefores, his taking you away before confirming his plans etc. It’s how manipulation starts. It then ramps up. You said it was a deal breaker. He is doing it regardless. It’s a challenge. You said your previous relationship was problematic. He knows this, and is exploiting it. I said before , look at the Freedom Programme.

Triangulation. Google it.

TLDR he's an oxygen thief who will only hurt you

Dump him OP, you deserve better. He's clearly not committed to you at all.

Funny that she just happens to be 'in the area' and making a 100 mile detour. Sorry you just don't do that .

I'm not neutral on this as my mum ran off with a guy she met on 'an adventure course'

I expect that was the plan. To my mind this makes what he did more of a deal-breaker not less. He lied by omission, he didn't have the guts to talk to you about it as two adults, to thrash it out and work out something you were ok about. He had sex and tried to create greater intimacy with you while lying to
you and planning to do something that if you'd known about you might not have wanted to have sex with him. He had sex with you under false pretences. It's all just more reasons to enforce your initial boundary, not less. What he's done is a deal breaker, you told him that and given this thread many people would have felt the same, I know I would. He knew what your boundary was and he was willing to lie and manipulate to try and make you give in on that boundary. It will happen again and again and again.