New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

New relationship of 5 months. Op has said she doesn’t feel comfortable with something (drawn a boundary) he could of said this isn’t working for me at that point. He didn’t he lied then took her away to sweeten her up. It’s actually nothing to do with friendships with the opposite sex its about trusting the person your with and having them respect your feelings (or not) he has shown her feelings are not his priority.

The bit that gave me the ick was that you'd told him what your deal breaker was and he kept it quiet while sleeping with you for the weekend.
You wouldn't have spent the weekend with him in that way if you had known that.
Added to which as a pp said he wasn't really consulting you because your answer made no difference.
I think he ticks a lot of boxes but not the important one where your feelings are safe with him.

You're right to think he doesn't think about your feelings because he clearly doesn't (although he might pretend to, actions speak louder than words).

Would a heterosexual man (even a highly sociable one) constantly text and host an ugly woman he had absolutely no sexual interest in or another Dad? No. Why not? Because he wouldn't want to give the impression he was interested in them in that way.

Would a woman with a child stay for a week at a man's house and frequently text him if she was absolutely not interested? Probably not.

He clearly had a spark with her and wants to see if there's potential there while keeping you on the backburner just in case.

Don't listen to any excuses he might come up with. That is basically the situation.

I'd bounce.

The she’s met his son and you haven’t is a complete red herring. Lots of single parents will introduce other adults to their kids, just not romantic partners.

I'm with the vast majority, that you should end it. He's toying with you. The honeymoon period isn't supposed to be that upsetting. When you meet the right person they'll make you feel good not upset. Mumsnetters represent a huge range of nationalities. The person saying the responses are strange English opinions is forgetting this. They didn't reply about what culture thinks this is ok either, to the (non English) person who asked this and said it wouldn't be ok in any of the countries they've lived in.

Let him go, there’s a better partner out there for you. He’s been quite disrespectful of your feelings.

"But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’."

Op this is your problem here. He is sending a clear message that he doesn't respect you and is quite possibly keeping you hanging on while he pursues something with this other women. You should be angry and telling him where to go but instead you are putting up with it and feeling all this upset because you don't seem to respect yourself. Have you been treated badly in your life? The problem is not that you aren't good enough, you deserve to be happy and he is not treating you badly because you are worthless he is treating you badly because he is a prick and you are better off without him.

Dump him and work on loving yourself about more.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong, it's just that being with him is not right for you.

You've only been dating for 5 months, and don't see each other often. You have no real idea yet what this connection is or could be. He's fun, you get on fantastically, he's supportive, and sex is great. So far, so good. It doesn't matter what he does when you're not with him. He wouldn't be spending that time with you anyway. It makes no difference to the time you do spend together. Let things be what they are.

BUT you're not really interested in this man specifically. More in whether he conforms to a pre-defined list of attributes which will fill a relationship-sized hole in your life.

My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety.

To me, this means you should be hunkering down and taking care of yourself. Not dating someone in hopes they will make magically make things better for you.

End it, the fact that it's making you anxious and not sleeping and that you don't want to bring it up incase it upsets the status quo, you deserve better, it'll only get worse

He doesn't want you to meet his son as it's early days however he's willing to invite a complete stranger to stay? This would be a red flag for me.

Yes but it's not just one thing. It's a combination of things. Like not inviting her to meet his friends. Uninviting her to meet his friends because his ex might be there. Not telling her he was going ahead with the visit until he asked. Not making much effort to see her. Letting this woman spend time with his son when the OP isn't allowed to meet him. Saying he has to be true to himself 🤮. That might be fair if it was about some moral issue, not about having a woman he's just met to stay in his house. That's more about just pleasing himself and she has to just fall in line. It all sounds so manipulative. That's what would be a dealbreaker for me, not the having the woman in his house. As someone else said, people like this mess with your head.

He's just not that into you.

You're worth better, only I don't think you believe you are.

This angst and anxiety isn't how a relationship should feel. And the fact that you're accepting it already is a sign of your low self worth. That's the real issue here, men like him are in plentiful supply and you'll only find more until you start to think "hang on a moment, I deserve better".

I had an ex who had a female friend who he used to go out for lunches/dinners with. Wouldn’t allow me to meet her and said it’s because she is funny with meeting new people (???). I went along with it as I figured she was married and her husband must also know about all of this too. Anyway, fast forward and about 6 months after we split up, I discovered that she was the reason his marriage had broken down before he met me as he had been sleeping with her - probably was doing too on the occasions I had also known he had been with her.

Always knew something was wrong about it. Trust your gut always

The fact that you are so incensed by a stranger on the internet not agreeing with you that you’re resorting to ad hominem really speaks well of you and what you ‘feel you deserve’. However, let’s keep that energy going.

Asking her opinion does not mean he’s going to do what she wants. Why did she assume?

Do you do this? Do you give your opinion and then assume that it will be catered to, then accuse those in your life of ‘having no interest in weighing them’ if they don’t follow your edicts? You can’t see how messed up that is? It’s crappy behaviour and I certainly wouldn’t want you in my life.

You wrote out the sentence ‘only telling the truth when asked, like a coward’ and thought you’d said something sensible? No, cowards lie. He told her the truth. The fact that she’d previously assumed X, Y or Z is her issue, not his.

Dump his ass!!

As emotionally manipulative as taking someone on holiday and shagging them loads

He didn't shag her. They shagged each other. OP is a grown woman with full agency about when she has sex and who she has sex with. She chose to have sex. Presumably she had a good time.

You should only have sex if you want to have sex with that person in that moment. No other reason. Not to magic away your fears or insecurities or an unresolved discussion. Not to buy you a future relationship. Especially when you've only just started dating, and have no real idea who the other person is or where the relationship is going.

You're hungry, you eat the delicious food in front of you, you're satisfied. Fin.

Maybe this guy is a manipulative arsehole, as so many suggest. Or maybe he responded to OP's insecurity and request for more time with him by arranging a weekend away together.

What is clear is that OP isn't in a good place to be dating. More snuggle up with a cup of tea and a blanket and have cosy time with good friends.

I think it's largely irrelevant whether others would be OK with the holiday friend staying with their boyfriend. What matters is that he said he wanted your thoughts before deciding whether this could happen. You told him clearly that it made you uncomfortable and was a dealbreaker. He agreed to the visit anyway but didn't tell you and instead took you away so that you would be more invested in the relationship by the time you found out. To me, this seems manipulative- he wanted you to feel that you had too much to lose to stick to your boundaries. He wants you to be willing to put up with feeling unhappy/uncomfortable to keep the relationship going. You really don't need that and neither does your child.

FWIW- my (now) DH had several very close friends when we met and I never had a problem with that. But he made a point of finding times to see them when I could go along to meet them and they'd been platonic friends for years. I think this is very different. I would also be very surprised if a female single parent would want to stay, with her child, in the home of a single man unless she at least wanted there to be more going on. I'd have thought, as they've not known each other for long, she'd be concerned that he might get the wrong idea and it would be at best awkward and possibly dangerous. I can see that if the DC are friends they might want to meet up but if it was me I'd be staying in a hotel.

I also agree with pp- it seems very convenient that he invites you to meet his friends but there's some reason why closer to the time it can't happen.

I’d strongly suggest you look in the mirror. In the comment I responded to you said Fuck sake that is wrong in any normal person's eyes, and now - as I’ve disagreed with you - you have announced that I think lying and disrespect is okay.

But somehow I’m the one being ‘rude and hostile’ but your comments are fine? What gaslighty nonsense. It says an incredible amount about you and none of it is good.

But you didn't really get closer. He was hiding stuff from you the whole time, knowing he planned to have the woman to stay and how you felt about it. He had no right to allow you to believe that she wasn't coming, take you away and butter you up and make you feel safe, when it was all false. If you hadn't asked him if she was actually coming, would he have ever told you? He disregards your feelings. Sure it seems he can be lovely but that is false if he is hiding stuff because he wants to be 'true to himself' and knows it will deeply upset you. I suspect you wont get rid of him right now (unfortunately teaching him that he can do whatever he wants with impunity) but it can take time to process emotions. If you stay, I think he will hurt you more before it ends, though.

Dump and block for good.
And find some kind sensitive soul like yourself without a kid.

My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety.

These are both really reasonable things for you to want. He isn't going to get you there. He is a massive messer, he is manipulating you with a weekend away to buy your silence.

Yes he is entitled to invite any person to stay at his house for as long as he wants.

No, you don't have to stay in a relationship with him if you don't like it. You are free to leave at any point. Get some backbone and leave him to it.

Five months is really still a matter of weeks you have known him, bin it off. Seriously. If not for your own sake, do it for your kids. Don't bring someone like this into their lives, it's not sense.