New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

As well as the holiday 'friend' issue, he's also got an 'ex' issue who still mixing in the same circles and where it would be awkward if the two of you meet.
Sorry but this early on isn't supposed to be that difficult.
You don't know 100% that he isn't lying about the details of any of this. Trust your gut, which is screaming 'no'.

Yeah, fuck that.

Dump if you ask me. A home is so personal and for him to welcome this other lady and her daughter is just sketchy, especially when his son is not even that bothered about the other woman’s daughter.
Only 5 months in and he is asking you to accept this, no way. I forecast a rough journey with this guy if you allow this relationship to continue. A successful relationship is built on mutual respect for each others feelings, and in this case he clearly hasn't respected yours.
You can either set boundaries or be ready to walk out of it. If I was in your shoe, I would be clear how that affects me and wait to see how he responds. If he is determine for this to happen, I would ask why that is more important than prioritising my feelings. Unless he could give good reasons without disregarding your feelings and sounding like a completely blown up self-centered dick, I would end it with giving him an ultimatum.

He describes himself as a people pleaser

with everyone expect you? He's happy knowing you're not happy. LTB - he is showing you exactly who he is.

Stay true to your word- it's a deal breaker. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. He has shown you who he is.

He wanted you to be fine with his new girlfriend staying. Sure, it could be innocent, but we all know it isn't.

You will meekly accept it and next time he crosses your boundaries and blatantly cheats you will wonder why you feel so bad.

I get the impression you think you're in a serious relationship while he sees this as a gfn situation.

Notice how he always has an excuse why you can't meet you can't meet any of his friends or family.
The way his son was mentioned, I thought he was maybe 3 or 4 years old not a 14 year old.
The guy himself said his son wasn't bothered either way about them visiting.
So why would the son be bothered about meeting you?

Notice how the planned visit from them just happens to be on the weekend you have your kids. That is also by design.

You didn't mention how old yours are but can they go to an Auntie or Grandparents for one night of that weekend?
Then you can mention that you are free and can stay over after all.

Have you seen any photos or video from the trip?

Yeah, I mentioned things you could possible do but really why stress yourself out even more than you already are about him and this stuff?

Think of the first 6 months like a probationary period at a new job. You're not locked into it.
A relationship isn't supposed to be well we've been together x months or x years so now I just have to take any shit thrown at me to stay in it.

You say the weekend saw you moving forward. What happened that made it different?

The bottom line is that he is sneaky and maybe he is a people pleaser who doesn't seem to care much about pleasing you.

You can hold your head high and break if off now or wait and see for another 6 months while he still pulls this shit and waits until he has this other woman lined up for sure.

There's millions of suitable guys out there to ever have to take any shit from any of them.

Where I am from this would be absolutely normal, and I find your reaction weird and controlling OP, and same with all the posts on here saying that it is odd and not on to have the woman stay. I suspect your partner is personally, if not culturally, similar to me,

@CallItLoneliness genuinely interested to know what culture thinks it's ok for a guy with a girlfriend to have another woman to stay for a couple of nights and keep them apart, when the girlfriend has said she's not happy. I'm not English and have spent half my adult life living abroad in a couple of other countries and have travelled lots. I can't think of a culture where everyone would think this is ok.

I've been with someone very similar to this, and it wasn't easy (that person is now an ex, surprisingly!)

The impression he made on other people was always more important than keeping his partner happy - maybe as he'd already 'won' there?

It might well not be that your partner has any kind of romantic feelings to this woman, but he wants her attention, he wants an ego boost. He is likely obsessed with status and how he is viewed by others.

I used to think of my ex as having an ego the size of a house but as fragile as a bubble. It was a nightmare.

I would strongly advise you get rid - it won't get any better.

HRTFT but I see this a bit differently.
You’ve only been going out for 5 months, you don’t get to dictate his friendships. (I do grant he should have told you about her visit though!)

No way would he have her sleeping over so soon if there was romantic intent. She’d likely have the same considerations for her own daughter too.

As a single mum, she’s maybe just lonely, wanting a wider social life. People are still trying to recover from Covid lockdowns.

I’d want to see a photo of her, and I’d probably probably want to try and at least drop round during her visit. But I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions.

So you don't get to dictate his friendships, but you'd want to see a photo? Why?

What’s changed since then is the success of the weekend away which was a high and then finding out he’d gone behind my back to give her the go ahead which is a low. I’m trying to balance one again the other

Don't you see though that it looks very much like he has engineered this weekend to butter you up because he knew this other woman would be staying? You have told him it's a dealbreaker and he has gone ahead anyway. This woman therefore means more to him than you and your relationship. Do you really think in that case that nothing has happened between them? He knows that her staying could mean it's over with you but he is very willing to take that chance. Think hard about that because if you continue, nothing you object to will ever matter again because he will know all he needs to do is sweet talk you or take you away for a little weekend and you will change your mind.

You would be an absolute fool to continue seeing this man.

You're right to feel sad about this. You're not his priority.

A 14 year old lad is old enough to meet his dad's gf of 5 months. I think he's out for the main chance and likes to keep his options open.

I think you should leave him. He's making you feel bad, not good. Who needs that in someone who is only a boyfriend?

@Zonder I don't know of anywhere where it would be ok once the partner has objected--not what I intended to say at all, though I can see my post can be read that way.

Where I am from the partner would not be given the option to object because having who you want to stay in your own house (and being hospitable) is seen as NORMAL. We just wouldn't ask our partners. My DH was fine with me travelling to stay with friends/collagues of the opposite sex for weeks at a time. They've also stayed with us, and with me while my DH was traveling. I've even stayed with the parents of one of them! I think it comes from being from somewhere small and very far away: if people make the effort to come to you, you don't make them stay in a hotel if you can help it. I find the English approach to people visiting equal parts fascinating and baffling.

Also, the guy isn't keeping the woman apart from his GF (which would be sketchy), he's keeping her apart from his son (which is his prerogative).

I wonder if he'd already met this woman before the holiday. So its not so surprising she is coming to stay now. I doubt she knows about you.

Yep.

I would add that people like this are often very gregarious and attractive, and they know it, so I'm not surprised if you are finding it hard to leave.

I think you said earlier you were 'weighing it up' but come on, there's not much to weigh up here. He's been awful to you already, knowing that you were not comfortable with the visit but just going ahead, not talking about it and taking you on a weekend away to soften you up - that's messed up.

And if it's already upsetting you at this stage, it's only going to get worse if you stay. He's not going to change - this is who he is.

Absolutely this.

Your judgement is way off.

He's having a new female friend to visit and you said it was a deal breaker.

You went away under completely FALSE pretenses as he has decided to have her stay, knowing you said it was a deal breaker, yet he deliberately chose to not tell you.

He is a dishonest liar and manipulative.
You are being played.
He's not that into you, but you are convenient to string along.

He is not a decent man.

This will end badly and you have been warned.

He has shown you who he is, dishonest and manipulative.

This is completely different to him having an old friend to visit.

Don't get upset, maintain your dignity and dump.

You desperately need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk if you cannot see how dishonest he has been.

Your low boundaries and standards are going to get you used and hurt.

I'd be a bit miffed if he asked your opinion on the situation and after you said it would be a dealbreaker, he still went ahead and did what he wanted anyway. He knew you wouldn't be pleased.
I also find it a bit cringey that the 14 year old girl is coming because she likes the 14 year old boy but he's not that fussed.
I could understand meeting for a coffee or a meal somewhere but not to stay in his house.
I wouldn't be ok with this.

What’s changed since then is the success of the weekend away which was a high and then finding out he’d gone behind my back to give her the go ahead which is a low. I’m trying to balance one again the other.

And he knew that, that's why he took you away for the weekend, so you would be more invested and therefore less likely to react to the thing which you'd told him was a dealbreaker.

Five months in you're miserable and second guessing yourself. Stop trying to see it from both sides. From your side, your instinct is saying it's wrong. Stop trying to switch that instinct off and listen to it instead. You are a placeholder girlfriend until somebody 'better' comes along. You're having to manipulate and manoeuvre him at this stage and he's doing the same to you, except he's better at it. Just end it.

There's absolutely no way the woman visiting thinks this is platonic, she's on a mission.

OP, if this relationship is making you feel like this, it's not right for you.

This is shady, the story does not seem to be fully truthful. A new holiday friend coming to stay because her daughter likes his son, and also going 100 miles out of her way. It just seems a bit of and that is why you are questioning it.
It does seem at this point you are questioning the relationship, you have only been together a short time, not seen him that often and this is the easy bit.

As hard as it is for you right now I think the best thing to do would be to walk away, that's what I'd do. You told him something was a deal breaker for you and he's done it anyway, he doesn't want you to meet his child yet (which is fine) but it's ok for this other woman to meet his child and stay in his home?

If you've said it's a deal breaker for you and then you put up with it you're just setting a precedent with him that you don't follow through with the boundaries that you've set and he can do as he pleases without consequences.

My feeling is that he has met this woman on holiday and has got smitten with her and wants to see where this is going. Sorry.

@NevieSticks

Nail on head.