Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

719 replies

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 19:21

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

OP posts:
nancydroo · 29/09/2022 06:05

idonotmind · 28/09/2022 19:22

Yeah, get rid of him

Yep. OP said it was a deal breaker. He didn't care and he got his one last week of jollies with her. He doesn't care that OP will leave. So all you can do now is end it. Deal breaker remember. And OP is right to do so.

MozzarellaMonster · 29/09/2022 06:09

I think the weekend away makes it worse, you told him where you stood and rather than be upfront and give his decision after having asked you your thoughts on it he kept it to himself, made more of an effort to get closer while intending to carry on with something you'd told him was a dealbreaker.
if anyone's manipulative I'd say it was him!
I would stick to sorry I told you it was a deal breaker and move on and try to remember the weekend away was his way of sweetening you up and not you guys acting getting closer!

JaneAustensHeroine · 29/09/2022 06:12

OP, I once read “Be careful about loving a people-pleaser. They will want to please whoever is in front of them”.

So true. I’ve been there.

For the sake of your health and well-being, get rid of him. You have told him it’s a dealbreaker which is completely justified. Follow it through. Surround yourself with your friends and look after yourself. I’m sorry you are in this situation but this is who he is. You can do so much better.

💐 for you.

Noteverybodylives · 29/09/2022 06:17

It’s obvious you’re not going to break up with him.

I don’t know why though as you barely know him and he crossed a line that you said was a deal breaker.

You need to set your boundaries and stick to them, else you’ll have people treating you like a mug your entire life.

reader12 · 29/09/2022 06:18

I don’t think the holiday friend coming to visit is bad in itself. I’ve been on those holidays with groups of families and you get to know the other people really well, the kids bond, the visit could be completely innocent.

But the timing of when he told you it’s going ahead is messed up, it’s making you miserable and for that reason I’d walk away. But do it with dignity and don’t make a big drama over it so he can’t write you off as unreasonable, just say something like “I think we’re looking for different things, I want someone who sees me as a priority and this doesn’t feel right to me any more.” You will feel much better and can then look back on this as a fun fling with someone who wasn’t quite ready to be serious.

DaughterofDawn · 29/09/2022 06:18

JaneAustensHeroine · 29/09/2022 06:12

OP, I once read “Be careful about loving a people-pleaser. They will want to please whoever is in front of them”.

So true. I’ve been there.

For the sake of your health and well-being, get rid of him. You have told him it’s a dealbreaker which is completely justified. Follow it through. Surround yourself with your friends and look after yourself. I’m sorry you are in this situation but this is who he is. You can do so much better.

💐 for you.

This is very true. It's a very selfish "kindness". He wants to please everyone but that is impossible. It's not really about pleasing others. It's about how he feels better about himself when he pleases them even if it is at the expense of the people he "loves". This isn't kind or pleasing to OP. It's all about him and his feelings.

georgarina · 29/09/2022 06:20

Ugh I'm sorry OP. I can feel your hurt through your writing.

A friend went through similar. The boyfriend took her away on holiday to love bomb her and make her forget her concerns, and when they were there she found out he was also seeing 5 other women. (5!!)

That's not to say he's necessarily a devious mastermind but he's being selfish and doing what he wants, and trying to manipulate you into not leaving by taking you away and showering you with affection before ignoring your boundaries.

Unfortunately this will happen over and over if you accept it.

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 06:20

It doesn't make sense that a woman would bring her 14 year old daughter to a strange man's house with his teen son. Why stay over? I think it's bollocks. No right minded woman would do that

CallItLoneliness · 29/09/2022 06:25

I'm not from the UK, and TBH I think English people (and yes, English people are different to those in the rest of the UK) approach stuff like this very differently than folks from my neck of the woods. Where I am from this would be absolutely normal, and I find your reaction weird and controlling OP, and same with all the posts on here saying that it is odd and not on to have the woman stay. I suspect your partner is personally, if not culturally, similar to me, and anticipated you would be too.

Having said that, once he asked, he either should have respected your response, or been honest with you that he had considered things, and was not going to do what you asked. Not doing so smacks of manipulationwhether because he is malicious, or because he is clumsyand in your shoes OP I would run a hundred miles--you need someone who can respect your boundaries.

I think this relationship is doomed anyway, because the two of you have VERY different approaches to friendships with people other than each other, and those values aren't easy to adjust

User0610134057 · 29/09/2022 06:25

Northbright · 28/09/2022 19:30

I think he's being really odd. It's not an old friend that he made years ago; it's a new random woman. It's not normal for her to want to come and stay with a new bloke living on his own unless either of them thinks it's going to lead somewhere. The fact he's putting her staying with him before your feelings speaks volumes.

Totally agree with this
I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ at all

MsDogLady · 29/09/2022 06:25

Flax, after he secretly rode roughshod over your boundary, he launched a charm offensive on the weekend away to manipulate you to get back in your lane and back off your dealbreaker stance. It’s working.

Guys like this like collecting a harem, and thrive off the ego validation.

It’s very troubling to read the portion of your OP that describes your strangling your authentic feelings to keep him. You’re doing yourself a great disservice.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/09/2022 06:28

perhaps he feels he cant say no to this woman?
i think it may be ok
and you are giving him unrealistic boundaries

reader12 · 29/09/2022 06:29

He’s not a strange man to the holiday friend, they spent 2 1/2 solid weeks together having an adventure. That’s enough time to make real friendships.

But op if you accept this now and don’t end it, you will be teaching him not to take you seriously and that you don’t respect your own boundaries or expect him to. Don’t let the weekend away sway you into staying, he knew all through that that he was going ahead with something you had said no to.

i think you painted yourself into a corner unnecessarily but you’re there now so you have to prioritise your mental health.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 29/09/2022 06:32

He doesn't sound like a people pleaser, he sounds like a Him Pleaser.

over2021 · 29/09/2022 06:36

You told him it was a deal breaker- if you suck it up what boundary will he cross next time?

This would be a dealbreaker for me too. At 5 months in it should still be exciting and fun; not making you feel like shit. Bin him!

ganvough · 29/09/2022 06:39

reader12 · 29/09/2022 06:29

He’s not a strange man to the holiday friend, they spent 2 1/2 solid weeks together having an adventure. That’s enough time to make real friendships.

But op if you accept this now and don’t end it, you will be teaching him not to take you seriously and that you don’t respect your own boundaries or expect him to. Don’t let the weekend away sway you into staying, he knew all through that that he was going ahead with something you had said no to.

i think you painted yourself into a corner unnecessarily but you’re there now so you have to prioritise your mental health.

I suppose if it was your best friend who met a guy for 2 weeks on a holiday romance, then he comes to stay with her AND her kids a short while later - you'd probably tell her to be cautious. How much does she really know about him, only saw him in a holiday context, could be a psycho/weirdo/stalker, is he definitely single, consider kid's safety etc.

Think same is true here, except gender roles are reversed so it sounds less unsafe than it is. 2 weeks in a holiday setting with other families there isn't really getting to know someone - it's a false bubble. So effectively they are a stranger because you know nothing about their home life or if they're even being truthful about anything. Seems very odd to trust this person in their house with their child more than a 5 month long relationship.

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 29/09/2022 06:42

It’s not really about what your friends think or strangers on MN think though, it’s about what you think. If it’s a dealbreaker for you then you need to listen to your gut.

I’m not going to give my opinion one way or the other purely because I genuinely think it’s all
about you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

GreyCarpet · 29/09/2022 06:43

Flaxseedblueberry · 28/09/2022 23:24

Yes and it probably still is a dealbreaker but we got a lot closer over that weekend so it feels like more to lose now.

This is why he did it. He wanted you to feel this way.

Tbh, if they'd been staying at a local b&b, I wouldn't have an issue but staying in the house is too much.

ganvough · 29/09/2022 06:43

Also a red flag alert on any mum who decides to journey 100 MILES out of her way to stay with a bloke she met on holiday because her teenage daughter likes the son..... really??

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 06:44

ganvough · 29/09/2022 06:43

Also a red flag alert on any mum who decides to journey 100 MILES out of her way to stay with a bloke she met on holiday because her teenage daughter likes the son..... really??

Yep he's lying.

GreyCarpet · 29/09/2022 06:48

As for him bring a people pleaser, this isn't the positive quality people pleasers seem to think it is.

It generally means someone has no boundaries and it's generally those closest to them that end up being let down because the level of comfort they feel generally means they are the only people they feel comfortable letting down. Especially if they think you're do invested that you won't 'punish' them for it.

This will be a recurring pattern in your relationship if you stay.

EveningOverRooftops · 29/09/2022 06:58

GreyCarpet · 29/09/2022 06:43

This is why he did it. He wanted you to feel this way.

Tbh, if they'd been staying at a local b&b, I wouldn't have an issue but staying in the house is too much.

Show quote history

This is my interpretation too.

he went into the romantic weekend knowing he was going to hurt OP with his choices but did it anyway.

he actively made her feel all those things knowing she wasn’t happy happy about the other woman staying.

he cares little for the OP.

hashbrownsandwich · 29/09/2022 07:02

OP won't ditch him, let's be honest.

OperaStation · 29/09/2022 07:03

Really weird to invite a woman and her child to stay after just meeting them on holiday. He must have really hit it off with her. Also really weird for a woman to take her young child to go and stay with a man that she barely knows. I would go so far as to say really irresponsible and high risk.

Frankly, they sound like they’re made for each other. I don’t know anyone in real life who would behave so strangely.

Time to move on OP.

Jaxinthebox · 29/09/2022 07:11

the simple facts are
1 he doesn't care about your feelings,
2 he is going ahead with having this person stay despite how you feel 'dealbreaker'
3 took you away for the weekend, wined and dined you to make you feel more toward him
Please trust your gut feelings around this, TRUST how you feel about this.
no person should make you feel this way. You need to follow through with your ending the relationship.

There seems to be too many my ex wife, my son, my this my that and not much about how you feel, After 5 months together I would think meeting a teenager would be on the cards. a 14 year old is totally different to meeting a 4 year old imho.