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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex and anger

102 replies

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:23

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 26/09/2022 22:26

This is awful and abusive. Please know this isn’t ok. Make sure you are safe and make preparations to leave safely. Get away from this gaslighting, abusive slime as soon as you can.

Bluey124 · 26/09/2022 22:28

This is abuse I cannot sugar-coat this.
Please, please leave him.

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2022 22:28

You need to leave this terrible man. This is not normal. Get help, get out and don't look back. You deserve better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2022 22:29

Jesus Christ OP. Nothing about this is at ALL normal or healthy it okay. He’s violently abusing you.

In the first instance you need medical attention for your injuries and in the second you’ve got to get the fuck away from this horrific and dangerous man.

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 22:29

😮😮😮😮😮no I’m sorry this abuse and serious as well bleeding from anus that’s very bad, you must leave and as soon as .

ChrisTrepidation · 26/09/2022 22:31

This man is a vile abuser and you need to leave.

He takes pleasure in hurting you. Get out before he causes you irreparable damage both mentally and physically.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 26/09/2022 22:31

Cheating, emotionally abusive, physically/sexually abusive. Please seek the help you need to feel strong enough to leave him. Speak to women’s aid, they will support you. As will the whole of MN. Nobody needs to live like this.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 26/09/2022 22:33

This is beyond abuse. You need to find the strength to get away and
he sounds so dangerous I believe you need police support urgently. Please, please call them.

ThisisMax · 26/09/2022 22:33

Im horrified that he put you in.a position where you can overlook serial cheating as normal. Im also quite concerned that he intentionally wants to damage you. Please please leave. Im a guy and if you were my daughter Id be picking you up to take you away. Please leave before it gets worse.

Pallisers · 26/09/2022 22:34

Oh my god, what have I read.

He is physically hurting you in anger. He DOES hate you. He certainly doesn't like you or respect you. You poor woman. you need to get out from this as soon as you can.

Go to your GP about the bleeding. Make clear it was non consensual. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to and get help from? How difficult would it be to split?

Pixiedust1234 · 26/09/2022 22:35

Go get medical help as bleeding after sex needs seeing.

Then leave him. Hes abusing you every which way. Are you able to leave?

greystarblanchard · 26/09/2022 22:36

Oh my goodness this was hard to read. Not normal in the slightest. Please leave this abusive prick.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/09/2022 22:37

He sounds like a very dangerous man. No kind, decent, normal man would behave like that. Please do everything you can to leave him ASAP.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/09/2022 22:39

Where the hell are your friends and family, and what do they say about this revolting trash rat??

You need to end this before he does permanent damage to your body or gives you something incurable.

Original poster
Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:40

I don't know of it comes across worse than it is. He's never been physically absusive (as in hit me etc). I just wonder if its the emotions that come out during sex. He's just a little rough, for instance trying to use too many fingers and being rough. When things are good with us, he wouldn't do that. If I ask him to stop, he does- so maybe he doesn't realise how much he is hurting me.

The cheating was early on in the relationship. I found messages to 6 women. There will be more as they were all via text and he uses WhatsApp (couldn't access WhatsApp). He says he wasn't properly commited to me, so it didn't count. Although he told me we were together, I have messages stating he was with me and nobody else. And I was pregnant, it was an early and unplanned pregnancy, so I appreciate it wasn't ideal but he was cheating whilst telling me we would move in together etc.
There were MANY inconsistencies but I'm not allowed to talk about it. He gets angry. He's also told me I'm abusive when I ask him questions. An example of me being abusive is me asking "are you sure you've been faithful since the last message I found".

OP posts:
667TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 26/09/2022 22:41

As everyone else has said this is abuse, not only physical abuse but emotional and mental abuse too that he’s got you thinking his infidelity, 6 times doesn’t matter. He is a very dangerous man you need to confide in someone and get help asap. This won’t get better, I’m speaking from experience here as well, please leave him. There are people who will help you if you reach out

Msgrieves · 26/09/2022 22:42

Wtf is up with Mumsnet ATM.

MyDogLucy · 26/09/2022 22:42

No, you aren't making it sound worse than it is. He is gaslighting you by saying you are the abusive one. Same with blaming it in your 'anxiety'. I'd put money on your mental health improving a LOT once you leave this awful, abusive man.

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 22:43

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:40

I don't know of it comes across worse than it is. He's never been physically absusive (as in hit me etc). I just wonder if its the emotions that come out during sex. He's just a little rough, for instance trying to use too many fingers and being rough. When things are good with us, he wouldn't do that. If I ask him to stop, he does- so maybe he doesn't realise how much he is hurting me.

The cheating was early on in the relationship. I found messages to 6 women. There will be more as they were all via text and he uses WhatsApp (couldn't access WhatsApp). He says he wasn't properly commited to me, so it didn't count. Although he told me we were together, I have messages stating he was with me and nobody else. And I was pregnant, it was an early and unplanned pregnancy, so I appreciate it wasn't ideal but he was cheating whilst telling me we would move in together etc.
There were MANY inconsistencies but I'm not allowed to talk about it. He gets angry. He's also told me I'm abusive when I ask him questions. An example of me being abusive is me asking "are you sure you've been faithful since the last message I found".

No I’m sorry this still abuse you’ve bled and that’s enough.

greystarblanchard · 26/09/2022 22:43

You are downplaying this massively, OP. As you said yourself he only makes you physically bleed when he is angry with you… this isn’t a one off or accident, it’s consistent abuse.

Barrawarra · 26/09/2022 22:44

I think you know this isn’t ok, but need other people to say it back to you to help you think about what to do about it. The cheating is one issue, and hurting you during sex is another. What has he said when you’ve discussed this aspect? Can he talk about it? Just because he will stop when asked, he does it again. That’s acting in a way he knows you don’t want, given he doesn’t do it when things are well. I’m sorry, this sounds horrible to me and not at all part of a relationship that can ever be good.

667TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 26/09/2022 22:44

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:40

I don't know of it comes across worse than it is. He's never been physically absusive (as in hit me etc). I just wonder if its the emotions that come out during sex. He's just a little rough, for instance trying to use too many fingers and being rough. When things are good with us, he wouldn't do that. If I ask him to stop, he does- so maybe he doesn't realise how much he is hurting me.

The cheating was early on in the relationship. I found messages to 6 women. There will be more as they were all via text and he uses WhatsApp (couldn't access WhatsApp). He says he wasn't properly commited to me, so it didn't count. Although he told me we were together, I have messages stating he was with me and nobody else. And I was pregnant, it was an early and unplanned pregnancy, so I appreciate it wasn't ideal but he was cheating whilst telling me we would move in together etc.
There were MANY inconsistencies but I'm not allowed to talk about it. He gets angry. He's also told me I'm abusive when I ask him questions. An example of me being abusive is me asking "are you sure you've been faithful since the last message I found".

It doesn’t have to be abuse as in him hitting you to be abuse. He is sexually abusing you for a start, but it’s also the mental abuse and gaslighting Telling you it’s you who has the problem. These are major red flags here.

Divebar2021 · 26/09/2022 22:46

Sex has been weaponised and he’s “teaching you a lesson”.

thefartingfish · 26/09/2022 22:49

We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill.

That is because in his world it is not his fault. But he knows it is so he is physically abusive (ok we can call it rough) to you to punish you and make you stop talking about it. He is the mentally ill one here, not you.

But there is little point arguing over it. He will always be an abusive partner, just leave now and do not look back. You don't even owe him an explanation as he knows what he has done. Get police help if you need it .

letmeeatcrisps · 26/09/2022 22:49

I can’t bring myself to read the rest of your posts but what I did read is awful, leave him now, don’t say anything just get your ducks in a row (use private browser and Google “how to leave abusive relationship”), and get out asap <3
good luck.. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, he’s emotionally and physically abusive