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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex and anger

102 replies

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:23

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

OP posts:
VeronicaFranklin · 26/09/2022 22:49

Msgrieves · 26/09/2022 22:42

Wtf is up with Mumsnet ATM.

I thought this too!

middleofthelittle · 26/09/2022 22:50

If you've been together 5 years he knows what feels good for you and what dosnt. He is trying to hurt you, this is abuse. He knows exactly what he is doing. There is no unsure about it. He is covering it up by doing it through sex and sadly thinking that women have to accept painful abusive sex nowadays.

We don't, he's a borderline rapist in my view and you need to get rid

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/09/2022 22:51

Jesus Christ. This is awful. Really awful. Bleeding from the Anus is very serious and potentially could cause future anal cancer.
Fact.

How would he react if you rammed a hard fist into his own? He's a monster.
Leave him.

VeronicaFranklin · 26/09/2022 22:52

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:23

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

Are you posting this to get confirmation that his actions are wrong? Because they are.

He's cheated on you and is being abusive, I think you know this. Get out of there.

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 23:01

How does the relationship make you feel, OP? Is it good for you? Boosting your confidence? Do you feel supported? Respected?

Alopeciabop · 26/09/2022 23:02

Even if you dropped the way he behaves down to 10% of the awfulness you’ve described, it’s still literally awful. Like fucked up and absolutely never going to be better awful.

you said you were pregnant? Didn’t see if the pregnancy went to term or not but please, please don’t model this as a “relationship” to your child. Otherwise you’re either raising a victim or a perpetrator and neither of those is ok.

please 🙏 leave

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/09/2022 23:03

The cheating was early on in the relationship

Hmm I think you’re seriously kidding yourself if you don’t recognise this guy is a serial cheat.

From the sounds of it this is the least of your problems. You have someone who refuses to take accountability for their actions, and is doing serious damage to your body during sex.

Please tell someone irl, you need guidance.

Gazelda · 26/09/2022 23:06

Whether or not he has cheated again is not the most serious issue in your relationship, in my opinion.

He is hurting you. He hurts you during sex. Unforgivable.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 26/09/2022 23:10

OP this makes heartbreaking reading. It’s just awful & yet you are questioning it? Wondering if it’s your fault? You deserve so so much better. Please get help & leave this horrible excuse of a man!

EfficientDynamics · 26/09/2022 23:14

Your relationship was over once you found out he'd cheated on you

Viviennemary · 26/09/2022 23:17

He sounds totally horrible. Get rid. End of. Horrific. Nothing positive or even a glimmer of hope here. Dreadful.

ParentallyUnprepared · 26/09/2022 23:19

It's not that you're making it come across worse than it is, it's that it's much, much worse than you realise.

You need to leave.

EarthSight · 26/09/2022 23:22

When things are good with us, he wouldn't do that

This is the answer that you're looking for. That, and the fact that you are bleeding from your vagina and anus. And that's on TOP of the cheating.

Do yourself a big favour and throw him back into the pond where he belongs.

QueueEtwo · 26/09/2022 23:23

Oh this is awful!
Please contact womensaid & talk this through with them

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/?gl=111hdt2vuvugaNjcyMTg1ODA1LjE2NjQyMzA4NTY..gaa_C8H9JGBD77*MTY2NDIzMDg1NS4xLjEuMTY2NDIzMDg3NS4wLjAuMA..

QueueEtwo · 26/09/2022 23:24

Rubbish link but it should work!

Mistystar99 · 26/09/2022 23:26

I would not tolerate this. He sounds utterly revolting. I hope you will be OK and manage to get away from him - once you are you'll wonder why you ever thought you loved him.

Hairyhat · 26/09/2022 23:26

Normal partners have lovely gentle "make up" sex taking care to make sure their partner really enjoys it. Re-bonding. This man is doing the opposite.

SwordToFlamethrower · 26/09/2022 23:26

It is not ok to be assaulted during sex! You're being sexually abused.

Make no mistake! Get away from this man. Call the police in fact

Original poster
Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:26

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. To be honest I'm drained and broken and not really sure why I'm posting. I love this man but it's not healthy.

To answer some questions- I was pregnant early on in the relationship during the time he cheated (was basically begging women for dates and sex). He told me it didn't count though because the pregnancy never happened (I had a MC at 3 months). I was then told it wasn't even a proper MC as I didn't even bleed. It was a missed MC and I took the tablets to pass the pregnancy. He was there.

We do have a child together and been living together for years.

Since finding out he cheated, I hate myself. I feel hideous, it consumes me. I feel inadequate and can't sleep.

I don't think he'd physically hurt me as such as he portrays himself as a very moral person. Perception is everything. I think that's why he hates me since I found out he cheated, because my knowledge and the messages I have, have the ability to destroy the version of himself that he portrays.

OP posts:
Millie2008 · 26/09/2022 23:27

You poor woman. Lots of good advice on here. Just wanted to add to the numbers of people telling you to get out as soon as you safely can. I know what it's like to be in a controlling relationship where they make you feel like it's your fault/not that bad. You will continue to feel that way for some time. But you're going to have to take a leap of faith and trust all the people on here telling you it's not ok. You won't get anyone on here telling you to stay. Do you have friends/family irl you can talk to?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 26/09/2022 23:31

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:26

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. To be honest I'm drained and broken and not really sure why I'm posting. I love this man but it's not healthy.

To answer some questions- I was pregnant early on in the relationship during the time he cheated (was basically begging women for dates and sex). He told me it didn't count though because the pregnancy never happened (I had a MC at 3 months). I was then told it wasn't even a proper MC as I didn't even bleed. It was a missed MC and I took the tablets to pass the pregnancy. He was there.

We do have a child together and been living together for years.

Since finding out he cheated, I hate myself. I feel hideous, it consumes me. I feel inadequate and can't sleep.

I don't think he'd physically hurt me as such as he portrays himself as a very moral person. Perception is everything. I think that's why he hates me since I found out he cheated, because my knowledge and the messages I have, have the ability to destroy the version of himself that he portrays.

You poor thing.

This is definitely a thing. I described myself as a mirror to my ex. I was there to reflect back his magnificence to him. As long as I told him he was the fairest of them all I was ok. As soon as there was a hint that he wasn’t perfect in my eyes he would kick off and all hell broke loose. Because what’s the point of a mirror that doesn’t show him in his best light?

Its good that you can see him for what he is. Now you just need to work up to doing something about it. This may not happen quickly but you can’t unsee this now. This is who he is. And you know you deserve better. 💐

ladydimitrescu · 26/09/2022 23:32

You aren't consenting to being made to bleed and be this forceful - you're being sexually assaulted op. I'm so sorry but I think it needs to be said in black and white. I'm so sorry. Flowers

Original poster
Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:33

Oh and with regards to real life. Everyone hates him. I can't have him around my family due to the way he treated me after I discovered the cheating. My mum literally wishes he would drop dead and that makes her sound awful I know.

When I first discovered the cheating and asked him to leave, he eventually said he would go and said he was doing to leave anyway because I'm dangerous and I may stab him. When he asked if he could come back and I refused, he said he wouldn't want to get into bed with me anyway as I may accuse him of something. I've never acxused him of anything. Never been violent. Never threatened violence. He even told people I have anger issues 😢 I really don't. When I questioned him on another woman he said I need help. He keeps saying if I don't change and do better the he will leave me. He even tried saying I had personalirt disorder and then said I had bipolar. Howeve,e he only thinks I'm mentally ill if we are discussing something he doesn't like. If I keep quiet then there are no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:36

Also when things weren't good between us, he would get into bed and try to have sex with me. In the past if we fall out, sex is the only way I feel he cares. However after the cheating I was devastated, didn't want him near me. I told him but he said that if I'm in our bed then he can have sex with me. If I don't want him to have sex with me, I needed to sleep elsewhere. 3 separate occasions he tried to have sex with me, I said no, pushed him away, but ended up giving up because it was less exhausting.

OP posts:
PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 26/09/2022 23:36

"My mum literally wishes he would drop dead and that makes her sound awful I know."

She sounds great. Go to your mums with your child and don't look back.