Sex and anger

[Anonymousme1]

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

He is seriously mentally and physically abusing you. You'd actually feel better if he "just" punched you.

As part of the mental abuse he's chronically gaslighting you. The impact of that is you lose your ability to trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. As you have.

He's doing DARVO as part of this. You bring up the cheating and how it makes you feel (which is 110% justified) and he Defends himself/Denies it's an issue, Attacks you, and Reverses Victim and Offender (suddenly he's the victim and you're the one in the wrong for mentioning it). Plus he's saying you're mentally ill.

This man is destroying you psychologically. He HATES YOU. You've done absolutely nothing to warrant this behaviour. It's honestly him. All him.

He's also destroying you physically.

If you're not getting it, when was the last time he made a genuine apology to you about anything?

What happens when you tell him you don't want to have sex with him?

I'm certain the answers are a) never and b) you don't dare/he'd go ahead anyway/he'd make you feel you have to.

Speak to your mum. She's got your back. She loves you. He detests you and will end up putting you in hospital with internal physical injuries. But he's already destroyed your ability to trust your own thoughts.

So don't try to figure this out, trust us on this thread and your mum.

You do not deserve any of this.

https://refuge.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIraazwZ60-gIVDOrtCh0HfACjEAAYASAAEgL5cvD_BwE

Please get help op.

You need to leave this man. This is an abusive relationship, it will only get worse.
contact womens aid and ask them for advise.
It sounds like the cohesive behaviour is in full swing… ‘you mentally ill’ ‘this is all in your head…’

He’s unfaithful.
He’s gaslighting you.
He forbids you to talk about certain subjects.
He’s abusive.
He’s a rapist.

Read that list and then ask yourself what you would want any female friend of yours to do if they were in a relationship like that. And then ask yourself why you don’t give yourself permission to want the best for YOU too. You know that you would advise another woman to get herself and her child out and to a place of safety far, far away from this man - give yourself that good advice too.

Yeah your mum does not sound awful, but he does. Please get help from your family and leave the piece of sh*t

OP - there are plenty of ways of abusing people which don’t involve hitting them. And he is physically violent to you - the violence during sex is sexual AND physical violence. The moral facade is nothing. Abusers often have very high opinions of themselves and cultivate a very respectable public face while behaving appallingly in private. The fact that he treats you well as long as you behave exactly as he wants you to is further evidence of his abusiveness - it’s part of the cycle of abuse. Your family hate him because they can see the harm he is doing to you. They must long for you to break free. How can you be helped to do that?

This is absolutely horrendous OP.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply. I've only just caught up as my thread was deleted and my account suspended.

I think I must be holding on to the hope of something better, of a normal family life.

When things are good- as in me just plodding along with no opinions, he is fine. He's selfish etc but he doesn't tell me I'm mentally ill and he wouldn't pressure me into sex.
When things are 'normal' he can sleep alongside me without sex. It's only if he's angry with me that he takes the stance "if you're in this bed, I assume we can have sex". I get called a tease for being in our bed but not wanting sex but as I said, it's only an issue if he's annoyed with me.

He's never treated me great but this cheating business has really brought it to a head. He was cheated on by his ex wife and always tells people how disgusting cheating is and tells everyone she was menally ill (which annoys me no end). However since I found out he cheated, it's like it can't cope with the character defamation. He no longer holds the moral high ground. I have the messages of him asking another woman for sex (and offering her petrol money to come over) a week before my 3 month scan...simultaneously messaging us both. He knows he looks bad. He deleted the photos off my phone (I took photos of the text messages).

Appearances are everything, he likes to be the wronged one and it's like he's lost control. He told people I was crazy with anger issues when I asked him to leave and said If we split up, it's because of my anger and mental health problems, not anything he's done. He can't cope with me having told people what he's done (I spoke with a family members partner who is a counsellor and I'm close to).

He belittles me. Tells me my job is pointless. He tells me I'm obsessed with him (I'm really not) and should work more. Then when I say yes, I'd love to work more- he says no, it's not a good idea. He'll say he wants time away from me (we don't do much together) and when I ask him to tell me what would work for him, he refuses to tell me and says I'm too anxious.
I can't get an answer about anything.
We discuss Wills and life insurance and he implies I'm going to murder him. He refuses to even tell me if I'm in his Will.
If I forget to do something he'll make constant passive aggressive digs. E.g. we went out the other day, he sat in the car whilst I got our child ready. I got in the car and he asked if I'd brought any toys. I said "sorry, I forgot. I'll get some" and he went on about how ridiculous it is and how stupid to take a child out and not bring toys. The whole journey he kept making comments to the other passenger "imagine not bringing anything for the child to play with". He mentioned it 4 times in a 10 min journey.

With regards to the sex stuff. I don't worry about being injured as it's just superficial. I assume he was just too rough/caught me inside and that's why I bled. Although the last time I felt bruised inside my vagina but again, it was just him being a bit rough. You're right though, when things are "good" he's never this rough.

OP every single person who's replied to your thread has advised you to leave because you're in an abusive relationship and that's your only option here.

He is going to make humiliating comments because he's a nasty, sadistic bastard who wants to grind you down. You no doubt feel as though you're constantly walking on eggshells waiting for him to kick off next.

You've been given various links and organisations to call to help you. I suggest you try your local organisation which you can find by typing something like: domestic abuse help (name of place you live). Rape Crisis will confirm that you're a victim of rape and will give you support.

You're in denial OP which is common in abusive relationships and you need to wake up to the situation you're in as it's dangerous. It's going to get worse. Please get some advice and take it from there.

This

why do you think he’s only ever rough like this after you’ve had an argument?

Op, are you alright? I think this is the worst description of someone’s relationship that I’ve ever read on here. It’s horrific.

There is nothing that he adds to your or your child’s life. Everything he does is hurting you and making you less of a person. Less of a human being. You are worth more than this, come on, OP. If you won’t do it for yourself you MUST do it for your child. No child should have to live with a monster. Do it for THEM.

Your mum sounds great. I hope you will feel like you can turn to her. And to Women's Aid. Please contact them.

You deserve so much better than this, OP. Your life is going to have so much love and happiness and calm and safety when you are free of this man.

The rest of us can see that you deserve better, but it sounds like you don't yet believe that. I hope you can get there soon and have the confidence and self-esteem to leave.

Please call Women's Aid.

Please reach out to your mum.

Please get counseling to help build your confidence.

You can do it!

Oh god, it's the part time doctor again!!

With the petrol money and the making you move house and the cheating and the lack of wills/life insurance... I could write your posts for you at this point!

Seriously, there is no point posting and asking for help you are just going to ignore, it is completely disingenuous.

You have been given SO SO much help and advice, and ignored it all to keep yourself and more importantly your sons (the elder one of which isn't his and feels the brunt of his contempt) in this toxic environment you have no intention of leaving.

How can you keep posting in good conscience? Really?

Ohhhh that.

Oh OP, please get some counseling. You do deserve so much better.

If you stay he will hit you. I can guarantee you that. Because he'll get bored of you pretending the raping does hurt and he enjoys hurting you.

He is a psycho and you need to get your child out of there now. Right now.

Call womens aid, get to a place of safety.

I really hope this isn't the part time doctor. That said, I'm glad there's not two of you.

@flutterbyfly would it be possible to link any of the others please or is it a changes name every time job??

It's a changed name every time. Every couple of months another one pops up, with a new harrowing detail that makes him even worse. Readers rally round, she engages at first then ignores it all because she "loves him though" and can't afford to rent on her own. Rinse and repeat.

I don't know if the fact the thread was deleted/account suspended shows that MNHQ are aware and getting sick of the fact SO many people give up time and emotional input to help, the OP just goes round in circles, ignores any (very appropriate, valuable) help, then just disappears. Only to come back a few weeks later, instantly recognisable, acting like it's the first time she's asked these questions.

I don't know if it's attention seeking or just made up but on the last shambles of a thread she was told the best thing was probably to give up custody of her kids (especially not the one related to this prick) as she was never going to leave him. She was asking for tips on how to get him to propose in January!

Honestly, I know you shouldn't link/out previous threads but this is actually getting quite offensive, not to mention disrespectful to all the hundreds (literally) of posters offering sympathy and help.

She doesn't want to leave. I wish there could be some intervention on behalf of the kids though.

Plus it's insulting to everyone here trying to help.

Who is the doctor ? The op ?

I think I've seen these threads before.

I can say it's really difficult to leave a relationship like this but it can be done .

The OP just goes round in circles, ignores any (very appropriate, valuable) help, then just disappears. Only to come back a few weeks later, instantly recognisable, acting like it's the first time she's asked these questions

I think there’s a few serial offenders on mumsnet tbh. Some are vulnerable, some have mental health issues, and some can’t/won’t give up a lifestyle and stand on their own two feet.

I really don’t see how you couldn’t know you are being seriously abused at this point, although the trying to get him to propose makes me 🤔

No reply OP @Anonymousme1 ? When will you listen to all the help and advice you've been given and take action? If your only intent is to post a provocative rant then disappear/ignore than what is the point? Genuinely?!

You have two sons, where are they in all this??

There will be some posters who make up a broken life to gain gratification via sympathy. Like a different form of Munchausen syndrome.

Your Mum hates him and wishes he would drop dead ...

If he was with my daughter I'd probably have him killed and buried in the woods about 5 miles from here.

The cheating counts.

None of his excuses and rubbish for why it doesn't stands up

If you were mentally unstable or anxious. - who fkg wouldn't be, with him.

He's had lighting you anyway.

The rough, painful sex is more like sexual assault. He's a fkg animal.

And that's an insult to animals.

The only use this specimen of a "man" is to you is for child maintenance.

Aside from that get the fk away from him, as fast as you can.

Get support from your Mum and anyone else you can.

Women's Aid, for example.

*He's gas lighting you anyway.

Cheated with six girls. Please leave. This is never going to get better.

But he is being physically abusive as he is leaving you bleeding! There's so much wrong here and you know you need to end it.