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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex and anger

102 replies

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:23

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

OP posts:
TimeforZeroes · 26/09/2022 23:39

He’s hurting you because you had the nerve to even talk to him about it. It says a great deal and he’s hugely abusive.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 26/09/2022 23:40

op- you know what you’ve got to do. Take your child and go to your mums and don’t look back.

username345 · 26/09/2022 23:49

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:36

Also when things weren't good between us, he would get into bed and try to have sex with me. In the past if we fall out, sex is the only way I feel he cares. However after the cheating I was devastated, didn't want him near me. I told him but he said that if I'm in our bed then he can have sex with me. If I don't want him to have sex with me, I needed to sleep elsewhere. 3 separate occasions he tried to have sex with me, I said no, pushed him away, but ended up giving up because it was less exhausting.

That's coercive sex which is rape. You're in an abusive relationship OP. He's a bully and he's deliberately hurting you in bed as he's sadistic.

You have every right to feel hurt and angry at him cheating (doubt he's stopped). He's gaslighting you telling you that you're mentally ill.

You're not I'll but he'll destroy your mental health if you stay. You need to contact your local domestic violence organisation and get help to leave the relationship. It's going to get worse OP as it's going to escalate. He's going to move from hurting you in bed to hitting you as his behaviour is getting worse. He's already raping you.

Another organisation to try is Rape Crisis for help and support.

NicLondon1 · 26/09/2022 23:52

'I said no, pushed him away, but ended up giving up because it was less exhausting'

That is a description of rape.
Your Mum does not sound awful, she has seen him for who he is. A monster.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 26/09/2022 23:54

Your mum doesn't sound awful. She clearly has reason to hate this man for what he is doing to you and she doesn't even know the half of it.

Get the hell out of this damaging unhealthy situation. You and your child will be so much better off. Go to your mum, a friend, just get out

Lalliella · 26/09/2022 23:54

He is a rapist and an abuser and a cheat. Please OP get away from him. Your mum is not awful, she wants to protect you. Please tell her what you’ve told us and go and stay with her.

misssunshine4040 · 26/09/2022 23:56

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/09/2022 22:51

Jesus Christ. This is awful. Really awful. Bleeding from the Anus is very serious and potentially could cause future anal cancer.
Fact.

How would he react if you rammed a hard fist into his own? He's a monster.
Leave him.

Not to derail the thread but can you clarify what you are on about?
Anal bleeding can cause future anal cancer .. fact?

What do you mean?

Foronenightonly22 · 27/09/2022 00:02

Im so hoping that this is a trolls post. I feel sick. Get yourself and your child away from this vile (I can’t even bring myself to call him a human or a man) immediately. Take care

PineOrange · 27/09/2022 00:03

I think you know it's time op, don't you ?

You really don't need to explain anymore, yes this man is highly abusive and will continue to hurt and abuse you further.

You need this to end.

Please seek help, domestic abuse helpline, WA and your family.
It's time.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2022 00:03

You need to get out and get safe. He is abusive and you are in danger.

And your mum doesn't sound awful, she sounds like she knows what a horrible man he is.

Mxyzptlk · 27/09/2022 00:07

@Anonymousme1 I know you thought you'd come on here and just get some advice on how to cope but you can't have any sort of a good life with this man who tells you you are mentally unwell and abusive, which is untrue.

Everything about this man is awful. You know your mum loves you and that's why she hates him because he's ill-treating you.

Speak to your mum about getting away from him and the arrangements you'll need to make for finances, somewhere to live etc .

MsRosley · 27/09/2022 00:20

There are so many red flags in your post, OP. You have every right to talk about what he did, without him getting angry. But he's so much worse than that. You're with a toxic, nasty abusive man, and you don't seem to realise it. You need help.

MsRosley · 27/09/2022 00:24

Just to clarify, I mean you need help to leave this awful man - didn't mean to imply there's anything wrong with you.

Always4Brenner · 27/09/2022 00:34

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 23:26

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. To be honest I'm drained and broken and not really sure why I'm posting. I love this man but it's not healthy.

To answer some questions- I was pregnant early on in the relationship during the time he cheated (was basically begging women for dates and sex). He told me it didn't count though because the pregnancy never happened (I had a MC at 3 months). I was then told it wasn't even a proper MC as I didn't even bleed. It was a missed MC and I took the tablets to pass the pregnancy. He was there.

We do have a child together and been living together for years.

Since finding out he cheated, I hate myself. I feel hideous, it consumes me. I feel inadequate and can't sleep.

I don't think he'd physically hurt me as such as he portrays himself as a very moral person. Perception is everything. I think that's why he hates me since I found out he cheated, because my knowledge and the messages I have, have the ability to destroy the version of himself that he portrays.

Dear god it gets worse 💔💔💔💔💔

Panjandrum123 · 27/09/2022 00:50

@Anonymousme1 please pick yourself up. Tell yourself you deserve better, your child deserves better. Make plans and document things he says and does to you, take photographs if you can.

Then cut contact. He probably shouldn’t have unsupervised visits with your child, so you might need to involve social services or a family law person.

Be kind to yourself, you are worth so much more.

AuntTwacky · 27/09/2022 00:51

He is gaslighting you... try to leave him if you can

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/09/2022 01:00

Please be honest with your mum and ask for help.

I don’t know why you are clinging to something so blatantly poisonous, aren’t you and your child worth more?

Dig deep and find your self worth before it’s too late. It’s not love op, it’s a trauma bond.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/09/2022 01:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2022 22:29

Jesus Christ OP. Nothing about this is at ALL normal or healthy it okay. He’s violently abusing you.

In the first instance you need medical attention for your injuries and in the second you’ve got to get the fuck away from this horrific and dangerous man.

This. Nothing about this man or your relationship is good or normal. Please get away from him.

stillvicarinatutu · 27/09/2022 02:17

Wtf are you doing op ? Why ?

He wouldn't hurt you wouldn't he ? So why are you bleeding after sex ? He HAS hurt you . Emotionally, physically, he's bloody raped you .

You need to talk to womens aid ASAP . You really can't see this is abusive ? And dangerous?

Worriedaboutethics · 27/09/2022 04:57

@Anonymousme1 @username345

username said it all

you have to leave

good luck

seek help and support

no woman should have to face what you have

UserError012345 · 27/09/2022 05:13

I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of).

I literally stopped reading at this point. That's all i need to know. If you've stayed with him beyond this, you are a mug.

You get what you settle for.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/09/2022 05:43

Anonymousme1 · 26/09/2022 22:23

Hello all,
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

So my partner and I have been together 5 years and had some issues lately. I found out he had cheated early on in the relationship (6 women I know of). We never resolved this as he says I'm anxious and mentally ill. I've basically tried to forget it. If anything related to the hurt/cheating comes up he says "stop. You're making me angry, don't talk about it". I basically get told it's my issue and I need to get over it because it's all my anxiety.

Anyway, I don't really want to focus on the cheating aspect. It's back story as to why we are having issues and the fact that if this gets brought up, he almost hates me and wants to emotionally attack.

Since this time, I've noticed that if we have a falling out and have sex after, he can be quite rough. I almost feel he wants to hurt me. For instance (I'm sorry tmi) but if using his fingers he is very forceful. Several times I've bled. We argued yesterday; well not an argument as such but I hadn't seen him all weekend and when he came in, he didn't say hello and went straight to pwatch TV in his games room. I said i felt a bit hurt he didn't even say hello and he basically told me that
I'm miserable, causing issues, need help etc.
We had sex today and I've been bleeding from my anus.

Is it normal to get a bit rough after an argument? Do you think he's taking nager out on me?

I haven’t read any other messages because this speaks volumes.

he’s not the man for you. He doesn’t respect you. Doesn’t care about you. He PHYSICALLY hurts you. He has made you bleed. He is not rough he is abusive.

he cheated and that IS the issue because it shows that to him you’re not worth very much at all.

You’re just something he can cast aside when he’s had enough and treat you like a piece of meat to fuck and abuse when no other woman will fuck him.

I am being blunt op because you can do so so much better.

Meklk · 27/09/2022 06:03

You will ended up killed or at least with some serious health problems (anal cancer). Do you really want to wear an adult nappies the rest of your life?
First, check out for STD, then get rid of him.

Motnight · 27/09/2022 06:04

Ask your mum for help. She sees who he is.

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2022 06:12

Op, you say he wouldn’t be violent to you but he already is violent to you- he hurts you during sex on purpose because he’s angry. He’s cheated on you. What is there to love?

Go to your Mums if you can and phone womens aid for help but you need to leave him