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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends depression is making me unhappy ...

104 replies

redpinklife · 26/09/2022 21:04

We have been together over a year and live together.
He has depression and has thoughts and before we met acted on them.
He won't take his medication and refuses therapy.
He says he has nothing worth being here for.
He won't cuddle me or kiss me ,he won't be affectionate.
He shouts a lot,he doesn't give me the time of day really.
He says I don't listen -I do listen but he twists it and is all woe is me.
It's been 9 months now
He has medication and he won't take it
He goes to work and puts on a happy man act and comes home and is stone Cold to me.
Bad temper and it's getting me down
What do I do to help him?

OP posts:
Cakeycrumbz · 26/09/2022 21:09

I'm 6 weeks out of a relationship with a depressed now sober alcoholic who had many awful traits including lying cheating etc. But what I have learned from being burned by him is that

It's not our jobs to fix them.
We should not have our needs ignored on a regular basis.
If someone isn't given you balance particularly in the early months and years it's never going to work out.
Why should you have your own happiness squashed by a depressed person?
You have needs. If he isn't giving you sex and cuddles and laughter etc you will feel starved of intimacy.

You deserve someone on the sane page. I would seriously ask yourself what you want. People don't change really they are what you see.

piegone · 26/09/2022 21:11

What do I do to help him?

I would leave, because I can't see what he brings to the table.

Kitkatandcoffee · 26/09/2022 21:13

Leave him. It’s his choice to not take his medication. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive not ill. You do not need to live your life like this. His health is in his hands not yours.
It sounds as if he is making you responsible for everything by twisting everything you say.
He will destroy your self esteem and own mental health if you don’t leave.
You can’t help him he has to want to go to therapy and take the medication if he needs it.

Skelligsfeathers · 26/09/2022 21:14

Ofgs dump him.
You've been together a year, you owe him nothing.
Why on earth are you living with him after such a short-time?

CassandraBarrett · 26/09/2022 21:18

You cant help him. So you can help yourself and leave. Or be miserable with him forever/until he decides you haven't been "supportive enough" and he finished with you

ChrisTrepidation · 26/09/2022 22:11

You leave. It's only been a year (why on earth are you already living together?)

It's not your job to fix him. He doesn't even want to help himself. Leave him to his misery.

fallfallfall · 26/09/2022 22:19

what do you do to help him?
you leave and tell him he has to fix himself. there is NOTHING you can do for him. he needs to deal with this alone.

Suprima · 26/09/2022 22:24

Women aren’t refuge centres for men with problems. He has no business being in a relationship with anyone when he is so emotionally unavailable, even if that is down to depression.

stop mugging yourself off

Justcallmebebes · 26/09/2022 22:27

So he can act the happy man at work eh? Funny that!

Dery · 26/09/2022 22:27

So it sounds like this has gone on for the vast majority of your relationship. He’s choosing to do nothing about his depression except dump on you and he’s treating you like shit and you’re still in what should be the honeymoon period of your relationship. Leave him before he drags you down any further.

wellhelloitsme · 26/09/2022 22:28

You're in an abusive relationship if he withholds affection, shouts at you (verbal abuse) and accuses you of not being supportive when he won't help himself at all (emotionally abusive).

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

The importance of his mental health doesn't trump yours.

It is absolute madness to stay in this relationship.

Stop asking how to help him and start asking how to leave him and how to work on ensuring you are never in a relationship like this again.

Be warned he will threaten suicide and accuse you of being cruel the second you say it's over so you'll need to be prepared for that and understand it's an emotional blackmail tactic designed to keep you compliant and feeling responsible for his mental health. You aren't.

Have you been in toxic, abusive relationships before?

The freedom programme could be great for you.

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2022 22:30

You need to leave. Why tie yourself to such a burden?? You're not married and have no children. You owe him nothing.

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 22:34

My stbx does take his meds but I’m leaving after 15 years of grumpiness weed the Christmas’s ruined, the weeks of snappiness bad temper no apology ‘oh I’ve not been well today’ is as close as you’ll get. It won’t get any better I’m sorry to say. If it’s bad now add years down the line of sex will go out the window if it hadn’t already meds blamed for that’s yes true but not bothered personally I think tmi he preferred anal when I didn’t it tailored off again. Hugs. You need them

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 22:36

Justcallmebebes · 26/09/2022 22:27

So he can act the happy man at work eh? Funny that!

Same here outsiders see the charm now I’m getting flack for leaving. No you leave now.

Soproudoflionesses · 26/09/2022 22:57

Justcallmebebes · 26/09/2022 22:27

So he can act the happy man at work eh? Funny that!

This is what stood out to me too.

DPotter · 27/09/2022 03:01

What do I do to help him?

The short answer is you leave.

The slightly longer answer - you are not his therapist. you leave

Does this sound harsh - yes. It is very easy to get sucked into the caring role when someone is ill when you love them. But the first person you have to look after, is yourself. You say it's getting you down - I was at the point where I was seeing a counsellor who thought I was depressed and in need of medication, when my DP was refusing to admit anything was even wrong. So I was being treated for his depression.

It's probably an unfashionable view point and I have no scientific proof, however I'm sure my DP's depression just became his way of life, how he defined himself. I ended up giving him the 'shape up or ship out' talk after about 7 yrs , and to be fair to him he did, but our relationship has never fully re-covered. But he knows that if the depression returns (and he's had 3 episodes so it's not unlikely), and he does nothing to seek help, I'm out.

Don't be me.

You can try the 'shape up or ship out' speech - but you have to mean it. I had a longstanding relationship with him (25 yrs and a DD). You only have a year. Leave before your mental health is badly effected. Please do yourself this one thing

LakeIsle48 · 27/09/2022 03:24

Kick him out! He is treating you like shit. Stop being a martyr and get a grip. He is taking the piss out of you. Why are you letting him treat you like shit? Tell him to pack up and leave.

You have the right to be happy and have a nice life. Get control of yourself and tell him it's over.

Don't ever allow anyone to treat you so badly.. You wont get any thanks from him and as soon as someone else comes along he will piss off and leave you in tears, broken and devastated. DO NOT TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

Hold your head up high and walk around like you value yourself. Fake it til you make it! You have every right to a nice future, dont waste your kindness on someone who will not treat you properly. You only have one life!!

Hearthnhome · 27/09/2022 03:29

His depression isn’t the issue. He is abusive that’s the issue.

The fact that he can go work and be fine suggests He knows his attitude towards you wouldn’t be accepted elsewhere, he will put effort in where it’s expected and he won’t get away with being a Cunt but doesn’t bother with you.

I am also guessing by his having depression he can use it to apply pressure for you to put with his behaviour and guilt you into staying.

i have depression. It’s not an excuse for abuse.

Fraaahnces · 27/09/2022 03:35

Despite having all the tools he needs, he is not remotely interested in helping himself. You have defaulted to “adulting” for him and trying to make him happy is utterly pointless. He is in a relationship with himself at the moment and you are facilitating it by continuing with the relationship. You are not responsible for his thoughts or MH, and you will never be able to “fix” him. Get out and save your own MH. If he escalates his behaviours or threatens suicide, you need to stop rescuing him and call the police for a welfare check.

UserError012345 · 27/09/2022 04:45

It's only been a year. You're in no way obligated to him and it sounds like you've only had 3 good months with him.

You can't help someone who won't help them self. He could, he just chooses not to.

As brutal as it might seem, you need to think about yourself. What do you want from a relationship? It doesn't sound like he can give you what you need.

If he has made attempts, I imagine it's difficult to work out how to best support him. Are you MH trained? Do you really want to continue to live your life like it is currently ?

I really suggest you think about moving on.

One more thing, I don't know if you live together but if you do move on. Don't move in so quick next time. Slow it down.

hattie43 · 27/09/2022 05:15

piegone · 26/09/2022 21:11

What do I do to help him?

I would leave, because I can't see what he brings to the table.

This . It's a relatively new relationship and it's not working .

nomistake · 27/09/2022 06:00

If he's not taking his medication or having therapy then what do you think you could do to help him? He doesn't want help.

Life is short, you've only been together a year. Run.

Wilburisagirl · 27/09/2022 06:20

Leave. You can't fix him. This will be a soul destroying relationship.

torquewench · 27/09/2022 06:36

"He says he has nothing worth being here for".

This tells you all you need to know what he thinks of you and your relationship.

Life's too short. Dont let him drag you sown. Bin him and concentrate on your own wellbeing.

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 27/09/2022 07:07

You've been together a year, you have no ties together and he treats you like shit but everyone else he can put a happy face on for?

He's going to end up abusive (not that he's not already abusive because he is.) over time. Leave. Leave. Leave.