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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends depression is making me unhappy ...

104 replies

redpinklife · 26/09/2022 21:04

We have been together over a year and live together.
He has depression and has thoughts and before we met acted on them.
He won't take his medication and refuses therapy.
He says he has nothing worth being here for.
He won't cuddle me or kiss me ,he won't be affectionate.
He shouts a lot,he doesn't give me the time of day really.
He says I don't listen -I do listen but he twists it and is all woe is me.
It's been 9 months now
He has medication and he won't take it
He goes to work and puts on a happy man act and comes home and is stone Cold to me.
Bad temper and it's getting me down
What do I do to help him?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/09/2022 07:49

Why move in so quickly, was it his idea. If you didn't live together it would be much easier to give him space and tell him to call you when he's sorted himself out and feels better.

Original poster
redpinklife · 27/09/2022 08:21

He says he doesn't have to put on a happy act with me-he can and should be able to be himself
I'm the one person who he should be able to talk too he says

The problem is he isn't doing anything to help himself ...if I tell him to take his tablets (his on medication for other things but won't take them ) then I get told I'm a nag and that I'm pushing him away.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/09/2022 08:30

Don't be so utterly ridiculous tying yourself to someone like this.

Pack your bags and leave asap.

Do you place absolutely no value on your precious life?

Fraaahnces · 27/09/2022 08:32

He can be his miserable self with his GP and his bloody psychologist. This man is a millstone around your neck.

BananaSpanner · 27/09/2022 08:34

Get out. This won’t get better, you owe him nothing. Just pack your stuff and leave, don’t be blackmailed or guilted into staying.

KosherDill · 27/09/2022 08:36

Suprima · 26/09/2022 22:24

Women aren’t refuge centres for men with problems. He has no business being in a relationship with anyone when he is so emotionally unavailable, even if that is down to depression.

stop mugging yourself off

Exactly.

Why on earth are you with him??

Mxyzptlk · 27/09/2022 08:36

He isn't trying to help himself at all so why should you bother?
Leave this guy to his own devices. He isn't your responsibility .

KosherDill · 27/09/2022 08:37

redpinklife · 27/09/2022 08:21

He says he doesn't have to put on a happy act with me-he can and should be able to be himself
I'm the one person who he should be able to talk too he says

The problem is he isn't doing anything to help himself ...if I tell him to take his tablets (his on medication for other things but won't take them ) then I get told I'm a nag and that I'm pushing him away.

What an entitled arsehole he is. And utterly disrespectful of you. Get rid ASAP.

Ihaveoflate · 27/09/2022 08:37

You're asking the wrong question. It's not your job to fix him, only support him to help himself (which he is actively not doing).

What you should do to help yourself is run very fast in the opposite direction and don't look back. You've been together no time at all - go now before marriage and children even gets thought about because that would be a terrible outcome.

Billybagpuss · 27/09/2022 08:52

redpinklife · 27/09/2022 08:21

He says he doesn't have to put on a happy act with me-he can and should be able to be himself
I'm the one person who he should be able to talk too he says

The problem is he isn't doing anything to help himself ...if I tell him to take his tablets (his on medication for other things but won't take them ) then I get told I'm a nag and that I'm pushing him away.

What he’s actually saying here is you aren’t important enough to put in the effort to be nice to or to look after himself by taking his meds.

your main issue is you are focusing too much on him: what can I do to help him, I’m being a nag and pushing him away.

start turning it around, when was the last time he was nice to you, when did you last have a good belly laugh together, or even when was the last time you had sex and he was attentive to your needs.

are you financially dependent on him? Even if you are that is no reason to stay, here is help available.

I know mn threats tend to give a biased view of a situation but there is not one thing you’ve said that shows any reason to stay.

FinallyHere · 27/09/2022 08:56

*He won't cuddle me or kiss me ,he won't be affectionate.

What do I do to help him?*

Why do you think he needs help? He can 'put a good face on it' when he chooses, including at work. He doesn't want to change, he is satisfied with his life as it is. It works for him.

You are the person who needs help.

Redirect your energies towards yourself. Because you are worth so much more than he is prepared to give.

Remember that thing they say about oxygen masks in an emergency on a plane, where you sort yourself out before you worry about anyone else.

You are in that emergency now. Have a look at the freedom programme. Your life is poised to get so much better than this. All the best.

freedomprogramme.co.uk

wellhelloitsme · 27/09/2022 09:05

redpinklife · 27/09/2022 08:21

He says he doesn't have to put on a happy act with me-he can and should be able to be himself
I'm the one person who he should be able to talk too he says

The problem is he isn't doing anything to help himself ...if I tell him to take his tablets (his on medication for other things but won't take them ) then I get told I'm a nag and that I'm pushing him away.

You're (rightly) frustrated he won't help himself.

But will you help yourself?

Every single person on this thread has told you that you need to leave this man but your reply is a justification he's fed to you about his horrible behaviour, rather than a response to what people have actually said.

Have you been in toxic relationships before? I ask as your expectations seem very low and your boundaries very unhealthy.

DPotter · 27/09/2022 09:11

The "Oh you have to support me unconditionally or you don't love me "script.

It's bollocks. There has to be mutual regard in a relationship and he is not keeping up his end of the bargain.

Please take it from those of us who have lived and emerged from the situation you are currently going through - leave before you are so ground down there is nothing left

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 09:15

You can't help him. You can help yourself. Get out and let him manage his own mental health. Inform his parents, siblings, health care professionals but save yourself a lifetime of misery.

pointythings · 27/09/2022 09:34

What he’s actually saying here is you aren’t important enough to put in the effort to be nice to or to look after himself by taking his meds.

This. Read this. Then read it again. Take it in.

Then leave him. This man has zero care or respect for you.

Original poster
redpinklife · 28/09/2022 07:46

Last night was awful.
I asked him after his work event if we were going for tea and he said he didn't know what he's plans were -so I asked if he was going out with work friends and that I had put a day off in to spend time with him.
That started him screaming -you want me to have no friends.
I said don't be stupid I didn't know you wanted to do that,tea was a idea just got out.
Then he said no I'm not going anywhere-screamed and said I'm going in another room.
I went in bedroom after half hour as I was tired-he said he was sick of me not understanding his depression,he had no support from me (I do everything for him,go to every hospital appointment,but up with no affection,he's moods over work (I think that's what last night was) I buy him nice gifts I think he would like,took him out for a meal last week,walk on eggshells
He said he didn't care I was upset as he has no care for anything anymore.
He said he didn't love me because he doesn't love himself.
He says I've ruined the relationship
I asked him what I could do differently to support him he couldn't answer
He kept say it's my depression
It's my depression

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 28/09/2022 07:52

Yes, leave. Thus man has targeted you because depression or not he has a skivcy and a punching bag on hand 24/7. You shouldn't have moved in ans now should.move out.

He will tell you that you are cruel and punishing him for his depression but ignore him. Of he really wanted to help himself he would take medication.

Knackeredandstressed · 28/09/2022 07:52

You've been together 9 months in a miserable relationship and he's not making you or himself happy. End the relationship, and look at why you felt you needed to save someone who won't help himself. Find someone who helps and supports YOU to have a happy life.

MagpiePi · 28/09/2022 07:58

He says I've ruined the relationship

Well there you are then!
Do you honestly agree with this? Are you being guilt-tripped into trying to fix it, because you know you never will.

He is an adult and responsible for himself, and you are an adult responsible for yourself.

Please leave this man, you will never win

Fullsomefrenchie · 28/09/2022 08:03

This isn’t going to change, so you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life like this. I couldn’t and would end it.

user1471082124 · 28/09/2022 08:07

Take this opportunity he has given you to leave. He doesn’t love you
Do not get pregnant by him. A lifetime of misery and stress ahead if you stay

Evasmissingletter · 28/09/2022 08:11

You deserve to be in a mutually supportive and loving relationship. Please leave this man he is adding nothing positive to YOUR life.

Wolfiefan · 28/09/2022 08:11

There is no relationship. He doesn’t respect you or treat you with love and affection.
He may well be depressed but that’s not an excuse to treat you like crap. He would rather avoid treatment and take it all out on you. That’s not acceptable.

Shodan · 28/09/2022 08:13

Bloody hell.

You're not his saviour. You can't make him better, nor can you make his treatment of you better, because he doesn't want to make your life better. He just wants someone around to blame.

Why on earth did you move in with him so quickly?

Leave him. Leave him to his depression. Raise your bar.

EVHead · 28/09/2022 08:15

Leave. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his recovery.

He hates himself. He needs psychotherapy. I lived 20 years with a man who hated himself (his behaviour towards me was not verbally and emotionally abusive like yours) and it didn’t get better. No matter how much support I gave him. He would not get therapy for his problems. Most of the time things were good. Until I found out about stuff he was doing behind my back. (Cheating.)

You’re nine months in. It’s much easier to get out now than years down the line.