Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Boyfriends depression is making me unhappy ...

104 replies

redpinklife · 26/09/2022 21:04

We have been together over a year and live together.
He has depression and has thoughts and before we met acted on them.
He won't take his medication and refuses therapy.
He says he has nothing worth being here for.
He won't cuddle me or kiss me ,he won't be affectionate.
He shouts a lot,he doesn't give me the time of day really.
He says I don't listen -I do listen but he twists it and is all woe is me.
It's been 9 months now
He has medication and he won't take it
He goes to work and puts on a happy man act and comes home and is stone Cold to me.
Bad temper and it's getting me down
What do I do to help him?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 28/09/2022 11:40

He got up this morning saying he loved me

Words are cheap , his behaviour shows you very clearly that he does want to be in a relationship. He could not be more clear.

Free yourself from him then focus on doing the work to avoid getting trapped like this again.

You are so worth much more from life

Sausagelove · 28/09/2022 12:41

Stop putting up with this shit and kick him out.

Always4Brenner · 28/09/2022 12:50

Get rid my stbx is actually behaving better now I’m moving out we agreed no nastiness and we’ll remain friends but I’ve had my down months times and it’s dreadful it won’t get any easier.

Lindy2 · 28/09/2022 12:54

You end this relationship. You're living together too soon which has made it a little more complicated, however, if you were just at the dating stage and he was like this, you wouldn't be moving on to the living together stage.

End it now while your finances aren't too intertwined and you don't have children. You don't want to bring children into this relationship.

It's not your responsibility to put up with being treated like this or to solve his depression.

Take things a bit slower next time.

Always4Brenner · 28/09/2022 12:56

In fact the in-laws have behaved childishly they no longer speak to me well that’s them gone from my life soon. Once I move it will be easier. Stbx is doing well with finances I’m helping with that all his dates etc written down, but you no you need to get rid off and completely block delete when you’ve done that.

UserError012345 · 28/09/2022 13:06

Sorry to be brutal but he doesn't love you. You're just there so he's got someone to blame instead of taking accountability for his own mental health.

Stop being a mug.

Sparkletastic · 28/09/2022 13:15

End it. You can't help if he won't help himself.

Nn9011 · 28/09/2022 13:27

I genuinely want you to consider what you are getting from this relationship. Not what it could be but what it actually is. Because people like this do not change, he has told you that he doesn't want to change. At this stage if you stay or allow him to continue to treat you in this way you are accepting this is what life will be and that is so sad.
I know it's hard to split or make him leave but this is not about not supporting his poor mental health, this is about someone who is essentially at times abusive to you using mental illness as an excuse. People who have mental health problems generally want to get better and I say this as someone who has battled mental health problems for years.

Googlecanthelpme · 28/09/2022 13:32

OP you need out of this.

He is using depression as a reason to berate and emotionally abuse you.

Ask him to move out.
If he then addresses his issues, has therapy and sorts medication you could talk again (but I would guess he won’t do those things because it’s easier to be a victim and blame you for his behaviour)

ChonkyDonkey · 28/09/2022 14:07

How did he end up moving in so quickly? Did he have some sort of housing emergency? Was this within the 3 months of him being nice? Does he willingly pay his fair share?

barbrahunter · 28/09/2022 14:13

I thought I was an arse when I had depression (which I was, tbf) but he's truly awful. You need to stop caring about what he says and thinks, OP, and you need to LEAVE.

barbrahunter · 28/09/2022 14:14

Oops sorry, I mean he leaves, you stay and be blissfully in peace.

Surtsey · 28/09/2022 14:28

Do NOT sign yourself up for a lifetime of misery with this man. Why should you? He is not a dependent child or any other blood relative. He is just a boyfriend who has decided to live in YOUR house, whilst treating you like shit.

For crying out loud, kick him out. It is not your duty to fix him.

HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 28/09/2022 14:35

Happy and chatty at work but a shouty abuser at home. This man is total scum, he will make you very unhappy and enjoy every minute of it. He will occasionally tell you that he loves you when he knows he might have gone too far and lose his lovely home and skivvy. Kick his abusive arse out - this should be the honey mood period in a relationship and he is treating you like dirt. You deserve a loving and supportive relationship - not this low life.

lechatnoir · 28/09/2022 14:39

He's an arsehole OP that is using depression as an excuse. Do yourself a favour and get rid of him - I honestly can't see any positives in your relationship and you're only a year in!!!

madasawethen · 28/09/2022 14:51

You don't do anything. You're not a therapist.

Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to stay.

I hope you don't also have children of your own being exposed to his shit.

Billybagpuss · 28/09/2022 15:12

Hi Op you’ve had 4 pages now of everyone telling you the same thing and I think deep down you knew that when you started the thread. Do you have the strength to follow through at the moment?

He has made it abundantly clear he has no intention of helping himself you therefore have 2 options.

tell him it isn’t working for you and you give him a date to leave and you follow through. Keep posting here and I’ll guarantee you will have everyone helping you and sending you strength.
you keep trying but get sucked further and further in. This will be your life.

make sure you stay alert with your contraception as that would massively complicate your choices at the moment.

Dery · 28/09/2022 15:58

Christ alive, OP - why are you putting up with this shit? Depression is no excuse for his behaviour. This guy is just abusing you and for some reason you’ve decided it’s your job to stick around and suck it up. It will destroy your emotional and mental health and actually you aren’t helping him. Because long-term, being allowed to get away with abusing you makes his life worse as well as yours. I don’t care about him but I think that’s a point that might resonate with you.

Check out Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I think that will also resonate with you.

The true measure of a long-term relationship is not how it is when things are going well - all relationships feel good then - it’s how it is when things are going badly. This is horrible. He bullies you - he dumps his shit on you (because he can be his true shitty self with you) - he’s got you bending over backwards to accommodate him - he’s got you walking on eggshells in YOUR home which he lives in. Can you see how wrong this is, OP? And this is the honeymoon period. It’s going to get worse not better. What did you learn about relationships growing up that makes you think this for you? Please, please get rid, OP.

Hadalifeonce · 28/09/2022 16:05

Please leave him. If he won't help himself, you shouldn't have to try.
My DH recently stopped taking his meds, and started to spiral. I told him if he goes back to where he was, he is on his own, as I am not prepared to go there again when he has meds to help him.
He started taking his meds again.

DoubleGauze · 28/09/2022 16:07

Kick him out of your house.

He may be depressed , but he is also a nasty , aggressive person. That's enough reason to get rid. If you're scared of his reaction , have a friend over when you tell him to leave , or be prepared to call the police.

Whatever you do , do not have kids with him and/or become financially vulnerable.

WithIcePlease · 28/09/2022 18:41

Please keep coming back here OP. You'll get support from so many women who've been through similar and come out the other side

bloodyunicorns · 28/09/2022 18:45

Your purpose is not to fix him.

He's not making you happy. In fact, he's making you unhappy. I'd end your relationship and ask him to leave. You might want to have a friend with you in case he kicks off.

He may have depression but he's also abusive.

Take care. You deserve much better!

Readaboutyourself · 28/09/2022 18:51

Is it depression or is he just a tw@t?

DPotter · 28/09/2022 19:29

Tell him to leave this weekend.

It's not your fault his childhood was less then ideal and there is nothing you can do to wipe away it's effects.

It's not your fault he thinks your 'relationship' is ruined - it's ruined because of his behaviour, which he isn't owning.

It's not your fault his dad lives 5 hrs away

redpinklife really believe me when I say from the bottom of my heart - you are wasting your time and your breath asking him how he wants you to behave.

You are in the excellent position of having your own home. For the sake of your own health, you need to finish with his guy and tell him to move out ASAP. he has friends he can go and stay with one of them. Actually it's not your concern where he stays - he's a grown man who can sort out his own accommodation.

From what you say, I am really worried you are in danger of disappearing down this whirlpool of trying to sort out his depression. We're throwing you life lines here - grab hold of one and we'll pull you out

Fraaahnces · 29/09/2022 01:15

Stop making excuses for him. You have to take responsibility for YOUR mental health. He is making YOU depressed. Pack his bags and change the locks.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5