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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriends depression is making me unhappy ...

104 replies

redpinklife · 26/09/2022 21:04

We have been together over a year and live together.
He has depression and has thoughts and before we met acted on them.
He won't take his medication and refuses therapy.
He says he has nothing worth being here for.
He won't cuddle me or kiss me ,he won't be affectionate.
He shouts a lot,he doesn't give me the time of day really.
He says I don't listen -I do listen but he twists it and is all woe is me.
It's been 9 months now
He has medication and he won't take it
He goes to work and puts on a happy man act and comes home and is stone Cold to me.
Bad temper and it's getting me down
What do I do to help him?

OP posts:

northernlight20 · 28/09/2022 08:15

i was with my ex h for 22years and this guy sounds just like him. leave, else he will destroy every shredd of self worth you have and more. its taken me having a lot of therapy to feel like my self again. this wont change, leave before it becomes more complicated with kids, mortgage etc

dustofneptune · 28/09/2022 08:15

You have the opportunity to leave and should take it. The reason he's being so cruel to you is that he doesn't actually want to be in this relationship - probably in any relationship - and doesn't have the balls to end it. And you aren't finding the balls to leave. So you stay, clinging and trying to support him (which is code for you not wanting to be alone / feel abandoned), and he doesn't respect you for doing that when he's making it so obvious in his behaviour that he wants out.

Seriously, just leave. Get out, find a therapist for yourself if you can do that, read about codependency, and take a break from dating again until you understand your worth and are clear on what you want and deserve in a relationship. Affection, mutual support, kind communication - these are all bare basic aspects of any good relationship.

Depression isn't the problem. The problem is that he's not good for you at all and you don't seem to be able to see it.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 28/09/2022 08:18

Life doesn't have to be like this. You're not here to rescue him. He does absolutely nothing for you except bring you down. He's nicer to people he works with than his own girlfriend.

If you dump him, he will pick up with someone else soon and you will see him being nice to them. Behind closed doors after a month or so, he'll be just as horrible to them as he is to you now. He'll be careful not to let you see that so don't think that he's nice with her because he loves him more. He just hides his true self.

devildeepbluesea · 28/09/2022 08:19

He may or may not be depressed.

He is definitely a cunt.

Kick this arsehole out before he ruins you.

WithIcePlease · 28/09/2022 08:49

Please listen to the women on here and end it.
It's painful to think of you wasting your life on this person.

LovelyDaaling · 28/09/2022 08:49

Life isn't meant to be like this. Stop flogging a dead horse and leave.

Original poster

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 09:06

It's my house ,In my name
He got up this morning saying he loved me
And wasn't going to apologise for his mental health

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 28/09/2022 09:11

A partnership is two people working together to make a good life, not a patient and his put upon carer/therapist/punchbag. It sounds like doesn't give a shit how his behaviour & hurtful.words are affecting you.

If you do chose to leave, I'd get some support & get some strategies together for a potential shit storm of guilt & DARVO (Im suicidal, you left me when I needed you etc etc etc).

Be prepared for drama, but don't put up with this bullshit.

GroggyLegs · 28/09/2022 09:18

Where are his Mum, Dad, siblings, friends while you're taking all this on?

Shgytfgtf111 · 28/09/2022 09:20

As someone who has been in a relationship like this for 21 years, I would say please reassess if you want to spend your life with someone who refuses to try to make himself feel better even if it has an impact on you. My partner will not seek help ('it shows weakness') and it negatively impacts me everyday but he doesnt care.

Original poster

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 09:30

His mum is dead and dad lives 5 hours away
He has v little contact with him and no siblings he talks too

OP posts:

Jaffacats · 28/09/2022 09:33

It’s really sad that you’re both trapped in his depressive cycles. But he’s crossed a number of lines and he’s regularly turning on you now and blaming you for things which aren’t your responsibility. It sounds like you want to end the relationship but you’re frightened of his response? You’ll need help to get him to leave. Do you have family or friends who can be there?

It’s going to take a lot of work and commitment from him to unpick his depression. Sometimes people can’t find obvious reasons for their depression; others find there are past events/situations which can be worked on. But it’s up to him. You can’t fix this and you can’t be dragged down into this as well.

firstmummy2019 · 28/09/2022 09:44

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 07:46

Last night was awful.
I asked him after his work event if we were going for tea and he said he didn't know what he's plans were -so I asked if he was going out with work friends and that I had put a day off in to spend time with him.
That started him screaming -you want me to have no friends.
I said don't be stupid I didn't know you wanted to do that,tea was a idea just got out.
Then he said no I'm not going anywhere-screamed and said I'm going in another room.
I went in bedroom after half hour as I was tired-he said he was sick of me not understanding his depression,he had no support from me (I do everything for him,go to every hospital appointment,but up with no affection,he's moods over work (I think that's what last night was) I buy him nice gifts I think he would like,took him out for a meal last week,walk on eggshells
He said he didn't care I was upset as he has no care for anything anymore.
He said he didn't love me because he doesn't love himself.
He says I've ruined the relationship
I asked him what I could do differently to support him he couldn't answer
He kept say it's my depression
It's my depression

Depression doesn't turn you into a bully. He chooses to act like this.

Original poster

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 09:48

It's mad because he gets days when he is him again.
Kisses/cuddles etc
He had a really bad childhood ,beat up off his stepdad then his mum wasn't nice to him and I just think he's never got over it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 09:50

I asked him if he wanted to get better ...he said no what's the point.
I said we could have a happy life together-he said any you think that's enough do you.

OP posts:

Hannah1011 · 28/09/2022 09:50

I like that you said "how should I help him" and not "should I leave him". Shows that your a gem gal

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2022 09:57

He’s an abusive manipulative bullying arsehole. But you’ve got some serious issues to deal with and work through about why you’re with him, let him into your home and continue to put up with this.

You can’t save him. You can’t run a relationship by yourself. You’re choosing to keep an awful man in your life, bed, home because for some reason you want to be needed.

Choose to have a better life and kick him out. Where he goes is not your responsibility. He’ll no doubt threaten to kill himself but that’s not on you either, if he does threaten it then call the police and ignore him.

Don’t date again until you’ve done some work on yourself and your boundaries.

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 09:57

Depression is no excuse for abuse. At all.

Can you see that he is abusive?

Itiswinteralready · 28/09/2022 10:09

You really need to leave him and that is coming from the perspective of having been the depressed partner in a relationship. I did take my medication and I was never abusive like your partner sounds but I was miserable to be around and the best thing my partner did was leave me -for both of us. I had become too dependant on him and it took a while for me to feel better (and probably finding the right relationship with someone who is like a rock and steady but at the same time doesn't just bow down to any depressive moods I have) but I actually operate better when someone isn't as 'kind' to me.

IVbumble · 28/09/2022 10:11

redpinklife · 28/09/2022 09:48

It seems like you are so enmeshed with him you are not realising that when states he is depressed that is the real him.

It might be helpful to read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft because each & every time he is being horrible to you is his choice.

Plenty of people had a traumatic or difficult childhood but unlike him we don't choose to repeat that with the people we love.

This is not going to get any better. You have said he/him 29 times in 6 messages so far. Tell us about YOU. How do YOU feel?

DoodlePug · 28/09/2022 10:18

I spent a long time trying to decide whether to dump a friendship for this exact reason.

Major depression is a reason for bad behaviour but not an excuse. If someone is not taking steps to get better that is their choice but it also means they are choosing to not change their behavior and if that behaviour is a problem for you you need to walk.

I felt very bad, I was her only real friend, helped to keep her in her job with wake up calls and listened endlessly to things that should have been said to a counsellor but she didn't want counselling. It was draining me, I got nothing from the relationship not even feeling good for helping because she didn't change no matter what I did. And that's just a friend, not a boyfriend.

If he can have a conversation then have one. Tell him how you feel. Tell him it can't go on, without threatening to leave. Ask him if he thinks the situation can improve. If you see no improvement leave.

Jaffacats · 28/09/2022 10:19

I asked him if he wanted to get better ...he said no what's the point.
He said he didn't care I was upset as he has no care for anything anymore.
He said he didn't love me because he doesn't love himself.
He says I've ruined the relationship

You can’t unpick this, he has to do this for himself. There’s a lot of faulty logic here which a therapist could help him with but, again, this is up to him. Depression does make you feel awful but it doesn’t give you a pass card for abusing others. He needs to take responsibility for his outbursts to you.

magma32 · 28/09/2022 10:21

Suprima · 26/09/2022 22:24

Women aren’t refuge centres for men with problems. He has no business being in a relationship with anyone when he is so emotionally unavailable, even if that is down to depression.

stop mugging yourself off

Exactly. You don’t hear men putting up with this from their gf!

NotLactoseFree · 28/09/2022 10:43

Of course it's your house. He saw you coming a MILE away. I bet he doesn't contribute much to bills either?

OP you clearly have extraordinarily low self esteem to put up with this and he very clearly targeted you.

You should kick him out but I suspect you can't see the wood from the trees. If you can seek help that would really be good for you.

Bananalanacake · 28/09/2022 11:04

When I had a bf with depression his own space was very important to him, he lived alone. So living on his own will be better, can he go back to where he lived before.

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