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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How many real friends do you have?

66 replies

thatrodofyoursisinsane · 26/09/2022 14:31

By real I mean known a long time, long enough to trust them with your children for instance. The kind you know would be there for you when needed like family would. Ones who have and would unquestioningly support you. A true friend, not an acquaintance. You get the drift, right?

How many of these do you have and how old are you?

You don't have to see them all the time, but I think we can all agree on a "true"/"real" friend?

I'm just curious. I feel very fortunate with how many I have, I'm just curious on whether I'm extremely fortunate or just normal, as it were.

OP posts:

balanceonyourtoes · 27/09/2022 06:24

Nc - really embarrassed by my situation.
One local friend (a former boyfriend), one friend who doesn't live in this country. I do have a sister I'm close to though so that's something.

I often wonder where it all went wrong. I moved around in my 30s but it's not just that. I find I don't fit in. I find the friendships were merely transactional in nature and once the need for whatever it was they needed from me ended, that would be the end of the friendship. I feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a child that keeps me grounded and busy but they will leave home one day and I'll have so much empty time again which I'm dreading. I'm 40 and can't envisage this will change sadly. I often wish I could start again. I used to be popular and well liked at school so I'm not sure where it went wrong.

Oblomov22 · 27/09/2022 06:28

4
More than enough.

NotLactoseFree · 27/09/2022 09:10

I've been thinking about this thread all night. Weird, I know. I used to love birthdays - was always up for dinner or drinks out or an activity or whatever. These days, I don't tend to bother much except for the really big ones. And I think in large part it's because of the long distance nature of my "real friends". I have a number of acquaintances and buddies locally and a few people I go out for dinner/ drinks with but the thought of a big bash with all my (local) "friends" just fills me with dread. It feels like work rather than fun.

I wonder if I need to work on that? Certainly, this thread has given me something to think about.

Mary46 · 27/09/2022 12:16

No not huge amount of friends. In an emergency would call on family. Disheartening. I feel people got lazy dont want put effort into friendships. Im 49. Met cousin last week busy busy busy. I didnt suggest coffee. I used meet her before work. Think once kids move on perhaps they not much in common then

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 12:37

I'd say I probably have five 'best' friends of many years standing. Then probably another 5-10 good friendships ranging from a few years to a couple decades in length. Then probably a 10 or so 'friends' like mum friends or hobby friends, people I speak to and get along with and meet up with pretty often but we're not particularly close and wouldn't be friends if we didn't have that common interest of similar aged kids or the hobby, if that makes sense.

The 'best' friends I wouldn't hesitate to leave my kid with, but it wouldn't ever happen due to distance or them having their own baby, but I wouldn't be concerned or anything. I'd trust them completely. I don't really have any friends who I could practically leave my son with in an emergency due to practicalities.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2022 12:51

4 (I'm early 40's) 3 from school and 1 that I met at 18 when I was living abroad, she doesn't live in the same country as me but we've stayed in contact all these years and I would consider her a very close friend still

Belladonnamama · 27/09/2022 12:53

1 real friend. We are 41 and friends since we are 4. Meet once a week for lunch. Don't live on each others pockets but I know she always has my back.

alanabennett · 27/09/2022 13:56

This thread has really made me think not just about what my friends would do for me but what I'd do for them. With regard to the "could you call at 2:00am?" question, I can honestly say that I would help any of my friends who were distressed enough to call me at that time. Or acquaintances for that matter! I can't imagine picking up the phone and saying, "Sorry to hear you're struggling but I need to get back to sleep."

I think part of it is that I went through a period of severe PNA after my youngest was born, and the people who really came through for me were people I'd previously thought of as acquaintances (professional contacts actually!) Their compassion for me was absolutely lifesaving.

What I'm trying to say is that even though you might feel as though you don't have that "2:00am person" there's a good chance you actually do.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2022 14:05

Right now I'd say 4-5 definite but 2 of those live abroad (1 moved back 3 years ago). At one point in my life I definitely had 2-4 more at various stages but times and circumstances change in life.

I'm actually going to be seeing 2 of these ex best/very close friends soon at a mutual friend's funeral and I'm sort of dreading it.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2022 14:06

I don't have DC and phone is always on airplane mode at night but having said that an ex NDN of mine, she's a close friend too but I think she'd help out in this way (and has done), not that I'd ask unless I had to.

PopSingersFearOfThePollenCount · 27/09/2022 14:07

I'm know and appreicate that I am extremely fortunate to have 3 'call at 2am' very close friends who are also part of a wider group of over 20, well all met through a hobby and are very close (holidays, birthdays, weddings, Christmas parties etc all celebrated together) We are unusual as a group due to our size and closeness even after several decades but it's really wonderful to be part of especially now there's lots of kids involved.

StarCourt · 27/09/2022 14:23

1 I've known 24 yrs

FatMog · 27/09/2022 14:24

Absolutely none.

Metabigot · 27/09/2022 20:50

I've 2 friends from school days. One is very busy so don't see her as much as I'd like but when I do, it's great.
I have an old male friend from years ago who lives in another city.

I have 2 newer friends who are good friends but probably not true bezzie category.

I've lost a few oldies along the way. Recently my best friend of 20 years, something changed. Very painful and still getting over it. It's affected my trust in people.

As I get older I'm thinking to just join social groups like even the WI just to have a social life and not feel so lonely. I have always yearned for friendships to a possibly unhealthy degree but thread's like this let me see its not the case that everyone has a massive load of friends except me.

Kite22 · 27/09/2022 21:02

With regard to the "could you call at 2:00am?" question, I can honestly say that I would help any of my friends who were distressed enough to call me at that time. Or acquaintances for that matter! I can't imagine picking up the phone and saying, "Sorry to hear you're struggling but I need to get back to sleep."

I always think that every time it comes up on these threads.
Quite frankly, if anyone who had my number was in such a pickle they needed to call me in the early hours of the morning, then I like to think I would do whatever I could to help, because people don't ask for help in the wee small hours unless they need it. The person wouldn't have to be close to me at all.

Metabigot · 27/09/2022 21:50

I've learnt the hard way that you know your true friends are in a crisis and as a PP said it can often be not the ones you thought.

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