I'm unhappy with my pregnant girlfriend - what do I do?

[lostsoul23]

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

I have a child with me ex who is in secondary school now.

My ex and I don’t get along but it’s amicable and we will text/call every now and then about our son if anything comes up. Both parents are involved with him and that’s how I want to be, I’m not one of those dads who has distant/no interest in his school/friends etc.

My partner unfortunately hasn’t had a stable father figure and a few of her friends with children are single mums, so dads/men never really were highly regarded.

She is an amazing strong woman and after are wobbly start had taken to being a stepparent really well.

But we argue a lot about it - she will comment how no one grows up wanting to be a step parent (which I agree, but she was aware all along and knew the situation I was in before we got together) how it’s hard for her and to see me still in contact with my ex as it just is a constant reminder that I had a life with another woman who I loved enough to get pregnant.

Her involvement in my son is a recurring argument too, if a big decision needs to be made then it’s me that tends to make it, but we discuss it first, that turns into an argument about how she is involved in the good stuff and pays half our bills but has no real say in his life. I agree to an extend but also, he has a mother and a father so being a stepparent in this case is a good thing you get to be involved and enjoy being a bonus parent without the worries?

If something happens and I just deal with it (school, plans etc) then she feels like she isn’t involved.
If we discuss something but I don’t go with her opinion she feels like she doesn’t have a say.
When we discuss these issues, she says how hard it is being a stepparent that it’s a constant reminder that your raising someone else’s child.

We have quite different parenting styles. Her style is to copy what she learned growing up, harsh punishments, items taken away, if they do wrong there are consequences. Children should have chores and responsibilities etc.
Mine is different in the sense I would rather educate and make them learn from their mistakes. I’m happy to punish and take items away but I’d rather them learn their lesson and not do it again than just punish for doing wrong.
Does anything like that seem familiar to you and your experiences?

As he has recently stated high school I’ve been in contact with his mum a fair bit, teething issues, new schedules, homework etc. We had a massive fight this weekend as his mum called about how to use a new homework system and my partner kicked off. Annoyed that she made breakfast that went cold because I was 5-10 minutes later than her. Said can’t go a day without hearing my ex’s voice. It didn’t stop there and over an hour later she is still giving me the cold shoulder and huffing about it.

I defended myself and said I’ll always be available if my son needs help and it’s been less than 10 minutes.

We had a big screaming match in which I lost my rag and said that this is me we’ve been together 3 years you need to grow up and stop being so jealous. and that it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life and doesn’t see this is what people can be like when they want involvement with their children!

I feel bad for swearing and shouting and saying this but I’m also at a point where we’ve been together long enough now that she should be over this pettiness, and I can’t take much more of being made to feel bad because I’m involved in my son’s life even when it’s not his day to be here.

I left for the night and intend on apologising but it’s tricky now because I don’t want this type of fight anymore but I don’t see it going away.

I don't know what to do next - her being pregnant obviously doesn't make things easier - part of me wishes she wasn't and that we could go our separate ways.

I feel unhappy and this doesn't feel like something that can be fixed easily.

I would be annoyed too if you answered your phone and carried out a none urgent conversation at a meal time. It’s very rude.

What made you decide to have a baby with someone with such different parenting views as your own? If your gf wasn’t pregnant I would say end the relationship but you are in a very difficult situation.

This is an old classic situation and it isn't easily fixed. It's a fairly fundamental issue that you don't see eye to eye on, and it isn't going to go away magically. If anything when your new baby arrives things will get worse as I predict you will feel forced to choose. In my experience the new partner can shout louder and make life more difficult for you then your ex or your first child, so she will win. It's up to you to manage this situation.

Did you think it would just get better over time? When you were choosing a new partner for yourself, as a commited and invoved dad, didn't the new partners ability to accept your existing child as your priority come into it? When you decided to have a baby with your new partner didn't this get discussed?

I think this is a very tricky situation. Would you be open to couples counselling?

This may help you navigate the ‘step’ problems now and the likely problems with clashing parenting styles over the coming years. For what its worth, I think your partner should try and make a mental adjustment about her role and yours in relation to your child. But it may be that that will come with some adjustment on your part. Maybe she needs more reassurance? More physics affection? More special time with you?

Good luck.

Thanks for your reply.
It did get discussed, and over time it has developed into where we are now.

The whole jealousy thing I assumed would go away and reduce as we were together longer in a committed relationship and it was easy to see there is nothing happening other than communicating about school/our son.

In terms of parenting styles, they can work together and take on different roles, but I have noticed over the months/year that my partner's opinions have become more dominant and when they aren't accepted we end up fighting.

I guess it has slowly crept to this point and I would like to find a way to fix or resolve it.

Has anyone here done couples counselling?

My advice would be to leave her now. This will only get worse.
She hates your ex and your son. There will be even more competition for your time when she has the baby. The stress and escalation will be good for no-one and it will be harder to co-parent with her once screaming rows become the norm. You may even lose the right to see your second child. (Correctly so if you are violent or abusive).
Both of you were irresponsible to start a baby when the relationship was in a poor place. She may be thinking that if she has a baby with you she can "fight" your ex on a level playing field.

As an aside - I think you are right to help ex setting up homework system so child didn't have to wait to start using it. Breakfast could wait 10 minutes.

Why did you choose to impregnate somebody that had such a fundamentally different parenting style to you? It seems like such a bizarre choice.

How far along is she? Would she want to continue the pregnancy knowing that you don't really want to be in a relationship with her any more?

I think the most honest thing you can do is sit down and calmly explain that you think your relationship is coming to an end and that the likelihood is she will be a single mother and you will co-parent with her 50/50.

I'm sure that once she has her own child she will be more on-board with the level of contact you have as the NRP.

The whole jealousy thing I assumed would go away

That was your mistake. You continue to make it. She is who she is. If you don't want her that way, you don't want her. Don't stay with someone you'd like to change to make them into an acceptable partner for you. It means you're staying with someone who isn't right for you, now.

Just break up. Screaming arguments around children will wreck the children. That's common knowledge, and if it's not enough to convince you to leave, then you're basically choosing to wreck your kids. Make a healthy, calm, peaceful life to model to them.

There could be 2 sides to the story here. You were late to a meal she had cooked because you were dealing with a non issue that could ahve been dealt with after eatring. So you were rude then. She is pregnant and dealing with the stresses of that, it plays havoc with emotions and it sounds like emotions are running quite high with the 2 of you.
How patient are you in all of this with her? It IS a big deal taking on someone elses child and from what you have written it sounds like she does want to be involved and you are not involving her. Thats likely the crux of the issue. You are expecting her to accept your son no questions asked and be a step parent, but then not including her in anything to do with that if it isn't suiting you.

In terms of different parenting styles, does she think you are too soft with your DS? Is he a handful or do they have a good relationship? In other words do you baby him and take time you don't really need to to to sort any issues, which in her mind could be probably be sorted with a quick, you didn't do your homework so no xbox tonight, type of sorting.

You said you bring up to her about not having a father figure in her life, like you are blaming that. i imagine that makes her see red somewhat. And you also mentioned when you disagreed, you left for the night.
So you are doing what all the other shit men in her life have done when the going got rough. Left. That would have sent a very bad message to her.

All I can suggest is for starters you don't sod off for the night when the conversation doesn't go your way, all thats doing is reinorcing to her men can't be relied upon. Instead try and see it from her view point, be calm and perhaps you both need to make some compromises.
you expect her to take on role of step mother to your existing child. Treat her as that, not as just someone who is around to do that when its convenient for you. If she wants to be involved, involve her. So you may not agree on everything, but that doesn't mean either of you are wrong or right every time. Try and understand it is very very hard taking on someone elses child and not given a say in anything to do with them, but expected to love them and treat them as your own. You need to be a united front when it comes to your ds. If you think shes too hard on him with something and you disagree, back her up in front of ds and then talk to her about it calmly later. Otherwise, al she can see is the message you are sending your son is she isn't relevant to his life.

When your little one is here, it is going to be alot tougher. So you need to have a good sit down, talk about the way each of you want to parent and compromise. I

Tricky one here. Her behaviour sounds jealous and appalling but I do think it's important to remember that she is pregnant and feelings are very sensitive and heightened.
In her eyes- she took time and stood and made you a meal, you walked off for a non urgent conversation with your ex partner. She got upset.
Will this improve when he hormones have died down? Were things this bad prior to her pregnancy?
But I agree with PP- why would you choose to have a child with somebody with such different views to parenting?

I'm a bit skeptical of counselling, if you are too indifferent then nothing can make you suddenly start being ok. It's a sad situation that there will be a child stuck in all this but if you can't get along together then perhaps co-parenting if the better option than raising a child that has parents that argue all the time.

It can't be fixed.

She wants you to walk away from one child in favour of the other.

All of this is going to get 100x worse when the baby arrives. Sorry to be negative, but it's true.

I would like to clarify, she doesn't hate my son and I apologise if I have given this impression off.

She puts in a lot of effort with him.

She struggles with the fact that I am still tied to my previous life, well I think that anyway.

Hi Bookworm20 - thank you that is really solid advice.

We do make decisions together and I have put a lot of emphasis on going with her suggestions on how to deal with things.

What you said about leaving for the night does sound really true now you have written it - I guess I am reinforcing those beliefs she has. My aim was to not spend the night fighting so we can talk about it today.

There are certainly 2 sides, I'm not perfect by any means.

I imagine also when you mention the jealousy thing. Its great that you and ex are both involved with DS. Perhaps its the fact that you are not involving her which is escalating that? She sees you as this unit, that she has been sidelined from. Rightly or wrongly, I imagine that is manifesting in the jealousy you mention. And why it has gotten worse over time as DS has gotten older.

And although the being late to dinner thing is really a non issue in itself, if shes already feeling sidelined, and then you prioritise something like that over her cooking your breakfast, its pretty apparant how that can escalate to her feeling second best to your ex.

So it certainly needs dealing with. From both of you. And I think honestly, as its your DS and ex, and she is pregnant with your baby I think you need to take the lead on this a little.

Start involving her with DS, even if you think its something she won't be interested in. Ask her opinion on some stuff to do with him, instead of dealing with stuff and then telling her, her opinion is irrelevant.
I bet it will make a huge difference and certainly worth a try.

A big ole baby who ran away for the night from his pregnant partner. I wonder does she cook for your son, do laundry and cleaning for him. Perhaps you expect her to look after him sometimes, then call her jealous if she wants to be involved in decision making. It sounds as though you only care about your son and not at all about the baby that is on the way. No wonder she is distressed.

What a prize she won, eh?

It seems as if the two of you have very different views on parenting... knowing this, why have you chosen to have a baby with her?

Thanks again Bookworm20.

I would like to find a way to make this better for everyone involved - and it's a lot to think about.

I love my partner and i do not want us to be apart, this relationship doesn't feel happy at the moment though (to me certainly) and I would like to find a way to either improve myself or fix any issues my partner has.

I appreciate some people have said counselling wouldn't really work, but it has to be worth a try?

What is it that you want to change about your relationship in counselling? How do you want her to change? What do you want to change about yourself?

Have her and your ex ever met? Is that an option/could that help the situation? It sounds like she struggles with you having ‘another life’. Is there more you can do to reassure her and help her feel fully part of it? Sounds like she’s 80% part of your life but there is a 20% she still feels cut out of.

@Bookworm20 has given you amazing advice OP. I completely agree with what she’s saying. There are definitely two sides to every story and please, please try to understand how unbelievably hard it is to be pregnant - even if physically she seems fine, it plays such havoc with your emotions it is unreal. Is this her first pregnancy by the sounds of it, as no mentioning of you being a stepparent as well? She’s probably extremely stressed and concerned about the future. I’m sure you are as well, but you don’t have any experience of what it’s like being a step parent so maybe you are keeping her out of decisions that she could have a say in. That would really upset me - I’m supposed to love your son, look after him, cook and clean up after him, but when it comes to making a decision I’m not entitled to making the final call.
Please listen to her side of the story before you make any drastic life altering suggestions. I’ve never done couple’s counselling but I’ve heard good things - they focus on bringing you back together and resolutions rather than finger pointing. That is exactly what you need before another baby joins the family.
Another thing you could try is to write a letter on your phone (when calm!!) and sending it her way. Again focusing on solutions, not problems. Acknowledge that you’ve realised the errors in your ways (by leaving, not including her in decisions, etc) and ask her if she’s willing to take the time to write you back with how you can help her feel better/more appreciated. I hope you are supportive to her pregnancy needs as well, trust me there are many. If men had to be pregnant and give birth I’m pretty confident the world would be less populated.

Good luck and I hope you are able to see things from each other’s point of view.

I don’t think this is an easy fix - but I do think it’s something that can be worked on. It’s also one of those cases where the more you work on it the better it will be and you need to accept there will be continuing tension. Her jealousy is her issue and she needs to get over it but you need to support her by putting clear boundaries in place and communicating them with her and your ex. If something is urgent then yes have a phone call. If it isn’t then it can wait until after dinner or perhaps handover. You also need to work out what her place is and the boundaries there. Tbh many step parents keep a distance to avoid these issues as basically you are saying you want her to be involved but only when you say so and it is understandably leaving her confused and frustrated and on the back foot. Please don’t run away from her as it indicates one foot out of the door and that she can’t rely on you. As much as you don’t like it right now she is hormonal and is trying to figure out where she and your new child fit in in priorities. You need to talk about that and make it clear they are a priority but that your son is also a priority for you (no more or less). It isn’t easy and while she did know what she was getting into - so did you and I would expect you knew you would need to give more consistent reassurance to her.

Watchkeys - I would like to to be more laid back and understanding about what she means when she is upset about things. Unfortunately, she shows her upset through anger and then says of a lot of things she doesn't mean. I want to understand what she is trying to say when she is upset.

For her, I would love it if she saw the positive of my relationship with my son - how I am dedicating myself to being a good father despite having to stay in contact with someone I don't want to. I would like her to lighten up and realise that she is so important to me, and to work through this jealousy issue she has. Find out what is causing it and how we can work through it together.

I would have loved the situation after the breakfast to have been met with "that must have been annoying you had to deal with that for them, well done though for helping - although youve now got cold breakfast and I ate alone, so you need to make it up to me". Or something like that, not an hour of misery and treating me like I had ruined her whole day over 5-10 minutes.

And what change does she want for/from each of you from counselling?