I'm unhappy with my pregnant girlfriend - what do I do?

[lostsoul23]

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

I have a child with me ex who is in secondary school now.

My ex and I don’t get along but it’s amicable and we will text/call every now and then about our son if anything comes up. Both parents are involved with him and that’s how I want to be, I’m not one of those dads who has distant/no interest in his school/friends etc.

My partner unfortunately hasn’t had a stable father figure and a few of her friends with children are single mums, so dads/men never really were highly regarded.

She is an amazing strong woman and after are wobbly start had taken to being a stepparent really well.

But we argue a lot about it - she will comment how no one grows up wanting to be a step parent (which I agree, but she was aware all along and knew the situation I was in before we got together) how it’s hard for her and to see me still in contact with my ex as it just is a constant reminder that I had a life with another woman who I loved enough to get pregnant.

Her involvement in my son is a recurring argument too, if a big decision needs to be made then it’s me that tends to make it, but we discuss it first, that turns into an argument about how she is involved in the good stuff and pays half our bills but has no real say in his life. I agree to an extend but also, he has a mother and a father so being a stepparent in this case is a good thing you get to be involved and enjoy being a bonus parent without the worries?

If something happens and I just deal with it (school, plans etc) then she feels like she isn’t involved.
If we discuss something but I don’t go with her opinion she feels like she doesn’t have a say.
When we discuss these issues, she says how hard it is being a stepparent that it’s a constant reminder that your raising someone else’s child.

We have quite different parenting styles. Her style is to copy what she learned growing up, harsh punishments, items taken away, if they do wrong there are consequences. Children should have chores and responsibilities etc.
Mine is different in the sense I would rather educate and make them learn from their mistakes. I’m happy to punish and take items away but I’d rather them learn their lesson and not do it again than just punish for doing wrong.
Does anything like that seem familiar to you and your experiences?

As he has recently stated high school I’ve been in contact with his mum a fair bit, teething issues, new schedules, homework etc. We had a massive fight this weekend as his mum called about how to use a new homework system and my partner kicked off. Annoyed that she made breakfast that went cold because I was 5-10 minutes later than her. Said can’t go a day without hearing my ex’s voice. It didn’t stop there and over an hour later she is still giving me the cold shoulder and huffing about it.

I defended myself and said I’ll always be available if my son needs help and it’s been less than 10 minutes.

We had a big screaming match in which I lost my rag and said that this is me we’ve been together 3 years you need to grow up and stop being so jealous. and that it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life and doesn’t see this is what people can be like when they want involvement with their children!

I feel bad for swearing and shouting and saying this but I’m also at a point where we’ve been together long enough now that she should be over this pettiness, and I can’t take much more of being made to feel bad because I’m involved in my son’s life even when it’s not his day to be here.

I left for the night and intend on apologising but it’s tricky now because I don’t want this type of fight anymore but I don’t see it going away.

I don't know what to do next - her being pregnant obviously doesn't make things easier - part of me wishes she wasn't and that we could go our separate ways.

I feel unhappy and this doesn't feel like something that can be fixed easily.

My DP and I once had a blazing row because he answered a non urgent call from his sister after I'd cooked a meal, and I wasn't even pregnant.

I really appreciate all the comments.

Some are fantastic, some are unnecessary and some are really to the point and hard to hear, but need to be heard.

Thank you for taking the time out to listen to my rambles and give some solid advice.

Hopefully my partner is open to some couples counselling as I would like this to be saved as us to both be happy.

He shouldn't answer a none-urgent phone call during breakfast?!!! How is he to know the phone call is none-urgent? Power of telepathy, his crystal ball.

Shouting and swearing at each other isn't abuse, it's a row whether she's pregnant or not. Me and my husband who have been married for a long time have these sorts of rows once in a blue moon - they're called ding dongs in our house.

“Hi, what’s up?”

“I’m just calling to discuss the new schools homework pattern”.

“Now isn’t a good time, I’m busy (prioritising my pregnant partner over yet another unecessary call from my ex), can you send me the info in an email, and I’ll give you a call later if there’s anything I don’t understand?”.

No telepathy needed. Just some empathy for the woman who’s putting up with what sounds like almost daily calls from the ex and being constantly bumped into last place in order or priority.

Tbh she sounds like a self entitled, whiney brat. Banging on about how hard it is to be a step patent and acting like she should get a say.
Not sure why you want a baby with her. By the sounds of her I don't even know I'd want her near my current child.

Cut your losses. Get out now before the kid arrives and you feel you can't leave. I mean to be fair you've still set yourself up for a.life of argument and drama by having a kid with someone with obviously different parenting styles, who resents you having an ex and a kid already. She doesn't sound very emotionally healthy.

I suspect on some level you want to punish her, so you're not actually behaving in a healthy way either although she has jealousy issues.
It appears that you are currently discussing on here rather than talking to her. You've spent the night away, people have told you that doing that while she is pregnant, and also having had the experiece she has of important men leaving her life, will be upsetting her greatly. Yet its late on the next day, and no updates on further discussion as if you are still avoiding her. Quit the making her strew tactic, it's really not a nice thing to do to the mother of your child. Get home and talk it through instead of more chat on here

It really sounds like you're pinning too much on this father figure theory of yours. She probably just thinks you're a twat.

So @Pinkbonbon are you suggesting that the OP should leave asap before the baby is born so he can take no responsibility for the child? Despite the fact the child is his?
And you are saying that it’s right for him to leave her at the time she is the most vulnerable and to leave high and dry dealing with a newborn when himself he us saying he isn’t all white??

that’s crap sorry.

"We are pregnant"!!!
Since when has this been a thing

But to be honest you sound like your on very different pages - I'd just separate now to be honest it doesn't sound like it's going to work

Get a grip

Taking a non urgent phone call during a meal is so rude and it's obvious from what you have said that you do things like this all of the time. And then you use the fact that she didn't have a relationship with her dad as a stick to beat her with whenever she has an issue with your behaviour, and a way to undermine what she is trying to say. You're acting like she's 'jealous' each time she tries to make a point, therefore pitting her against your ex rather than working things out as a couple. You say in your opening post that you don't even want the baby, and are then acting as if she's being crazy. If that's how you feel and what you say here, it must seep through in the real world.

It's quite rich of you to take the "you knew the situation when you got involved" stance, when you have got her pregnant knowing you had all these issues with her and just assuming they would go away. Perhaps she assumed her problems with you would go away.

There's a lack of self awareness in your post with this in mind that gives a strong impression of there being two sides to this story, and you don't seem very empathetic towards hers.

I am the SM in this scenario, I've had similar tensions with my partner, and for what it's worth they did get better over time and we learnt to communicate better. But this will only happen if both sides are open to it and can admit fault, and you don't seem like you will do that from what you've put here.

I am not sure that either of you are behaving well. She does sound jealous but fo you always take every call amd every email from your ex and prioritise it? Is there any truth to the sentiment that when she says jump, you do? If not, and she is really hung up on this idea of your "precious life" then she absolutely needs to get over that!!

You say she pays 50% of the bills. That's quite a lot if you have a pre teen with you 3 days a week. I mean, I think its great but she certainly is taking on some of the financial burden so its not surprising if she feels a bit hard done by if she's not an equal.

If you are genuinely doing more at home, especially when your son is there then that's great and absolutely she should back off. I am slightly cynical though as I know a lot of men who genuinely think they are doing half or more but it only takes 5 minutes actually probing to see that's not really true. Sorry, I know painting all men with the same brush isn't ideal, but I am talking from personal experience.

I also agree with a pp - when she tells you what she feels or thinks you seem to think that unless you agree with her, her feelings are not valid. Eg the taking a year to get pregnant thing. That's really not ok.

Tbh she sounds like she will only get worse at step parenting when you have your baby. Lots if 'you're always talking to your ex/son and not our baby' etc.

She doesn't sound a good fit for your family and I'm afraid I think you moved forward with this relationship too soon.

I second all of this.

Left for the night? Over this? When she was pregnant, no less? Where did he go? Huge red flag.

I agree with the OP partner, she is expected to pay half the bills (including what the son uses in water/electric etc) but isn't allowed an input on anything to do with him? She's about to birth to his half sibling for goodness sake, she's not a no one.

I feel like there is more to this.

Does OP partner know the ex partner? Do they have a good relationship? Have they even met or communicated?

I think she's suspicious and obviously something niggling away at her. If they all had an open, mature relationship then OP current partner would be happy to help I imagine in situations when OP not around.

I had an ex who sounds like OP. Used to use the excuse that he'd do anything for his child and go round the house at the drop of the hat to "help" with things etc. I was always suspicious. Rightly so, he was cheating on me for the whole relationship with his ex still.

Christ MN is a horrible place if you are a man.

It's probably worse for men who have shouty screamy relationships with pregnant women, really. I don't think it's horrible for men who sound capable of having healthy relationships.

Sorry OP she sounds horrendous and I think things will escalate after the birth and cause lots of issues with you co parenting your DS and have an effect on him.

She is now showing her true self. She knew you had a child and were an involved parent when she started a relationship with you. Now she’s got you trapped with a pregnancy (you didn’t want more DC but she obviously got you to change your mind so not entirely her fault) and has dropped her guard and will not want your DS around. To have a tantrum that you took a phone call concerning your son’s education and were a bit late down for breakfast (special time with your partner 🙄) is disgraceful, hormonal or not!

If you were my son, I’d advise you to support her through the pregnancy as well as you can, get your name on the birth certificate and if as predicted, she continues with her jealousy of your son and the fact you had s life before her, get out and get shared custody of your child with her.

Some of the replies on here are awful.

Op it will not get any better once she has the baby, it will infact get 10x worse. You won’t be able to speak to your child or your ex without it causing a row.

I previously had a good relationship with my dcs dad, we were able to attend all important things together that was until I called one day as my ds had fractured his foot and asked for him to come and get our Dd so I didn’t have to sit up the hospital with two children.
She went beserk as they had planned a movie night and thought I was trying to ruin their time together, anyway he came to collect our Dd and by the time he had got back to the house she had changed the locks and they were both standing out in the rain.

She eventually let him go back home and by the time their dc was 6 months old the arguments got so bad that he stopped seeing our dc for almost a year. They have since broken up as it wasn’t healthy for anyone involved.
We still don’t speak and my dc don’t really want anything to do with their dad and don’t know their sibling at all, which is sad.

And to those who are saying she has got the right to have a say over where your dc goes to school etc, are talking out of their arses.
Nobody has the right to make important decisions about a child’s life other than their parents, regardless if she is said child’s half siblings mother. That’s like saying I have the right to tell my ex and his child’s mum what to do with their child just because they are half siblings.

To me it sounds like her 'parenting style' is an excuse to be horrible to your DC. I think her behaviour towards her SC will get much worse once her DC is here. She's already massively jealous.

I would say that she is now pregnant and is it that she is wanting a stable loving two parent family for her baby, the kind of family life she didn't have (even if it's through rose coloured glasses) and that she is worried that you won't provide that due to caring more for your son/ giving too much to your ex over her / etc

Hence all the aggro. Either try to have calm sensible discussions taking turns to speak about your son to come to a plan about discipline, and try to reassure her you care very much for her, be more loving towards her and assure her that once your son is settled there should be very little contact with ex as there will be no need. He will be old enough to remember his own stuff.

Make allowance for hormones making her more emotional during pregnancy.

I'm a stepparent and think she's properly overreacting. I don't get involved in key decisions with my SKs. I just enjoy them!

I think there is a mismatch here, what you see as supporting your older child she is feeling as you dropping her to run to your ex.

I can understand her being upset when you left food to go cold for something not urgent.

Can you schedule a time to contact the ex? So unless it is an emergency (and a new homework system isn't that) you have a scheduled day/time for contact.

I’m a step parent to two, who are now well in to adulthood so know the problems that can arise. I always saw myself in a role that was more grandparent-like than parent. I expected to be consulted if any decision was likely to affect me or our household but general day to day schooling and minor issues, etc were just left to my dh and his ex.
Does she always react like this to all calls from your ex or is this maybe a hormonal blow up? Things may settle down once she has a child and realises you do tend to deal with things as and when they crop up rather than 10 minutes later, especially in the morning when time can be short and she’ll probably end up eating a few cold/reheated meals herself in the future.
Step parenting a child who has two active parents in their life is totally different than stepping in to the role of a missing parent and is much more of a guiding role than a parental role and the two biological parents have the last say, however much she would like it to be a three-way split. Step parenting is not easy and there will be times when she is very frustrated at not being included and there will be times when your ex is going to have to contact you more frequently than usual but it won’t last forever and she needs to be prepared for that going forward. You may have to sit her down and ask her what it is she expects from you and see what things you can change to help her feel more secure, but that your children’s welfare will always be a priority over any adults wishes and that includes the child you are having with her and your children do not deserve any less than 100% until they reach adulthood.

it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life

I mean seriously, what a vile thing to say to someone.