I'm unhappy with my pregnant girlfriend - what do I do?

[lostsoul23]

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

I have a child with me ex who is in secondary school now.

My ex and I don’t get along but it’s amicable and we will text/call every now and then about our son if anything comes up. Both parents are involved with him and that’s how I want to be, I’m not one of those dads who has distant/no interest in his school/friends etc.

My partner unfortunately hasn’t had a stable father figure and a few of her friends with children are single mums, so dads/men never really were highly regarded.

She is an amazing strong woman and after are wobbly start had taken to being a stepparent really well.

But we argue a lot about it - she will comment how no one grows up wanting to be a step parent (which I agree, but she was aware all along and knew the situation I was in before we got together) how it’s hard for her and to see me still in contact with my ex as it just is a constant reminder that I had a life with another woman who I loved enough to get pregnant.

Her involvement in my son is a recurring argument too, if a big decision needs to be made then it’s me that tends to make it, but we discuss it first, that turns into an argument about how she is involved in the good stuff and pays half our bills but has no real say in his life. I agree to an extend but also, he has a mother and a father so being a stepparent in this case is a good thing you get to be involved and enjoy being a bonus parent without the worries?

If something happens and I just deal with it (school, plans etc) then she feels like she isn’t involved.
If we discuss something but I don’t go with her opinion she feels like she doesn’t have a say.
When we discuss these issues, she says how hard it is being a stepparent that it’s a constant reminder that your raising someone else’s child.

We have quite different parenting styles. Her style is to copy what she learned growing up, harsh punishments, items taken away, if they do wrong there are consequences. Children should have chores and responsibilities etc.
Mine is different in the sense I would rather educate and make them learn from their mistakes. I’m happy to punish and take items away but I’d rather them learn their lesson and not do it again than just punish for doing wrong.
Does anything like that seem familiar to you and your experiences?

As he has recently stated high school I’ve been in contact with his mum a fair bit, teething issues, new schedules, homework etc. We had a massive fight this weekend as his mum called about how to use a new homework system and my partner kicked off. Annoyed that she made breakfast that went cold because I was 5-10 minutes later than her. Said can’t go a day without hearing my ex’s voice. It didn’t stop there and over an hour later she is still giving me the cold shoulder and huffing about it.

I defended myself and said I’ll always be available if my son needs help and it’s been less than 10 minutes.

We had a big screaming match in which I lost my rag and said that this is me we’ve been together 3 years you need to grow up and stop being so jealous. and that it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life and doesn’t see this is what people can be like when they want involvement with their children!

I feel bad for swearing and shouting and saying this but I’m also at a point where we’ve been together long enough now that she should be over this pettiness, and I can’t take much more of being made to feel bad because I’m involved in my son’s life even when it’s not his day to be here.

I left for the night and intend on apologising but it’s tricky now because I don’t want this type of fight anymore but I don’t see it going away.

I don't know what to do next - her being pregnant obviously doesn't make things easier - part of me wishes she wasn't and that we could go our separate ways.

I feel unhappy and this doesn't feel like something that can be fixed easily.

Being a good dad is clearly very important to you. I ask you to think about being a good dad to your unborn child more. When you swear and shout at his mother, she produces stress and aggression hormones, and those chemicals get pumped straight into your unborn baby and shape the chemistry of his brain as he grows. This is the main reason why shouting at a pregnant woman is never, never, ok.

Anyway. Clearly she is jealous of your relationship with your ex. Clearly she has some reason to be: if she’s cooking you a nice breakfast and you choose to answer the phone to your ex and stay on the phone for ten minutes instead of saying “sorry, can’t talk right now, call you back in 20 minutes” - that’s on you. Of course your girlfriend is upset. Taking that phone call wasn’t being a good/involved dad, it was telling your current girlfriend that she’s less deserving of your instant attention than your ex.

I’m also a bit concerned that you seem to be blaming her childhood for causing problems, when it’s you who is shouting and swearing and storming out. That isn’t adult behaviour.

I do agree with you that harsh punishments and taking away toys may not be the way to go.

Couples counselling sounds like a great idea to talk through all this calmly. Some counsellors are excellent, some are appalling, so do try a few if you need to.

You had a child with your EX. Your EX will always be a part of your life. She can't change history. She just has to turn a blind eye to it .

Did you miss the part where she was screaming and shouting at him?
Taking the phone call was him being an involved dad, you know to the child that is already here.

We as women have fought so much for equality, yet we’re such delicate little flowers when we’re pregnant? you can’t say or do the wrong thing as you will be told you’re abusive.
The man walked out of the house to stop the argument, yet he’s still wrong.

She should not be screaming and shouting at anyone, if she doesn’t want the same back because like hell am I going to allow someone to disrespect me and sit there and take it because they are pregnant, should I have allowed my exes gf to continue calling my phone 100 times a day, calling me all the names under the sun sitting outside my house stalking me just because she was pregnant? No I done what most normal people would do and called the police had her arrested where she sat in a cell for 8 hours and what for?
She was jealous of my dc and the fact that I was living and breathing, now she is a single parent who has had a hand in ruining a perfectly healthy co-parenting relationship, the relationship with my dc and their father and the relationship between siblings because she was being given advice like the ones on here who seem to be putting her, her unborn child and their relationship on a pedestal.

It isn’t right, we all have a past some can deal with that better than others, some want to erase your past. When you have children with someone who you are no longer with it doesn’t work like that.
You cannot tell people who they can and cannot speak to or when, it’s abusive behaviour. If it pisses you off that much then leave, you’re only making yourself unhappy that other person is going to always be there as will she if their relationship ends and another woman takes her place.

@PringlePop That was a very one sided post clearly coloured by your own experience. That's fine, but there ARE valid lived experiences more in line with the step mother's, and areas where the OP may be being unreasonable and not showing enough consideration for the various important people in his life. You may be unbothered by the experience of the partner, the way she is treated in her relationship, and the amount of consideration given for the unborn child, because those people don't matter to you. But that isn't the case for everybody.

It’s not very one sided or coloured at all, nor is it invalidating the partner.

I understand that she maybe feeling a little uneasy or unhappy with certain things, but so is the Op who happens to be the who has come on asking for advice and has been told to put up and shut because his partner is pregnant. In my eyes that is wrong, he also isn’t a victim and shouldn’t be screaming and shouting either.

But as I said one child shouldn’t be trumping the other because you happen to be in a relationship with that person, Op clearly has to balance being a father of 1 to a father of 2, helping both mothers with both children, stressing out one mother because the other isn’t happy doesn’t do anything for anyone in that situation, least of all the children.

My own personal experience is not a great one granted, but it doesn’t skew my advice or perspective on the issue.
I would tell a friend the same thing and also told my ex he was in an abusive relationship, would you be happy if your partner monitored your phone calls, telling you who you could talk to or see and when you’re allowed to do that and if you didn’t do as they said, then they would kick off? It’s emotional blackmail, which is abuse plain and simple.

It's all well and good saying one mother and child doesn't trump the other. In reality though who ever lives with the dad so in this case OP that now is his new family....and he will see that child THE MOST. So I think OPS gf is being unreasonable and when she has her own baby..... would she be happy for OPS ex to have input and make decisions? (Totally bizarre)

You should have thought twice before you went ahead and planned a child with somebody you dont really see eye toeye with on important issues. Maybe counselling is a way forward.

If OP was a woman you wouldn't be asking that. Lots of women getting pregnant but they don't get told this. Double standards by far.

Of course he will see the baby more often and the dynamics of their relationship is completely different, but I think you maybe misunderstood what I’ve said. I don’t believe the ex and the partner should be treated the same, as I agree that is his new family, but he also has a child in another home who he is half responsible for and that means he needs to be involved in that household when it comes to his child, without hindrance.

And yes completely bizarre getting angry that you’re not allowed a say over a child that isn’t yours, which again to me is a red flag.

Actually, women get asked this on MN all the time. But it's as helpful then as it is now. Beating someone up for a pregnancy is the very definition of "closing the stable door after the horse has bolted".

OP, imagine reading this but from your partner's perspective:

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

My DP has a teenage son with his ex. They are amicable and speak regularly, both actively involved.

My own father was absent from my life which makes navigating the situation with his ex and with my step son very hard, especially since I don't feel like my DP considers my perspective at all.

Being a step parent has been hard - I'm never involved in anything and I don't think my opinion is valued, yet I'm expected to care about this boy, support him, he partially lives in my home. I really like him and care about him but it's hard to always be on the outside. It's also hard to always feel like his first family, including ex, are always priority number one.

We have different parenting styles. I think my DP is very soft and lenient and doesn't give his teenage son chores or responsibilities, which I think is very odd as most teenagers should have some kind of responsibility.

My partner's son started high school recently so DP has been in contact with ex a lot about homework, schedules, everything. The other day I made breakfast for him so we could spend some time together and enjoy a meal, but his ex called and even though it wasn't urgent he decided the call is more important. The call was just about a homework system. I just never feel like I'm a priority to him, whether it's the small or big things, pregnant or not.

He then said that he will always be available for his son, which I understand, but I don't understand why he can't prioritize having a meal with me over a phone call to help his ex.

We got into a bad fight (shouting, swearing) and he was swearing and shouting at me too, and then said that I need to grow up and stop being jealous. What hurt most is he said "it's not my fault that you have no father figure in your life and you can't see this is what life is like when a father is involved with his children". He knows how painful this has been for me and chose to pick something that would hurt me the most.

I feel like he just doesn't have any patience or empathy for me, doesn't see things from my point of view at all. I don't feel like a priority in his life. If I ever complain he always tells me I'm jealous or difficult, which feels very dismissive to the actual problems.

He walked out and left for the night, leaving me alone and really upset. It makes me feel like he doesn't care at all, and just further makes me feel like I'm not a priority in his life and never have been.

Being pregnant makes it more complicated, I feel very vulnerable and think he wishes he could just walk away.

Imagine only extracting bits from the Op that makes him look bad and the pregnant woman as a victim.

The Op stated, he didn’t know the meal when ready when he took the call, he knew after the fact.
He also stated that they earn the same amount and pay 50/50 for household bills, so it isn’t just her house it’s just as much his unless I missed something that says it is.

She has an absolute right to discuss issues that affect their home, including behaviour and punishments as she will I assume be putting them into action if Op isn’t around, however as he again has stated he works from home and does a lot around the house so it’s unlikely, unless he’s lying that his partner is slaving away doing everything cleaning up after someone else’s child being expected to do everything for said child whilst he sits on the sofa chatting to his ex.

He shouldn’t be throwing crap in her face about her family and past just like she shouldn’t be doing the same to him, it’s toxic.
Him walking away and staying out for the night, isn’t the best way to deal with things, but it de-escalated a situation that could have a huge impact on the partners health.

She is clearly jealous, it’s ridiculous the hoops people have to jump through for others. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Nope, I left it as OP explained it. If it makes OP sound bad then maybe... that says something?

And that's already when you account for the fact that this is only his version of the story.

A good partner doesn't always dismiss his partner by deciding everything they do is driven by being difficult, unreasonable, jealous.

A good person doesn't leave their partner upset by leaving overnight. That's not conflict resolution.

It's surprising to me how low the bar is for men and how no one seems to think OP is at fault here at all?

Finally somone talking sense. Seems like most women on this thread expect nothing from their DPs, the bar is so low!

@PringlePop What about the fact that he judges his partner for her feelings given she knew this was the situation before getting involved, yet he knew the issues he had with his partner before actively trying for a baby with her for the past year, a baby that he now seems at best ambivalent towards, but actually says he somewhat wishes didn't exist? Does that not make him look bad?

Absolutely makes him look bad, I’m not trying to paint him as a victim either, which is why i said they are both in the wrong and both clearly didn’t think of the implications on either of their lives, however the horse has now bolted.

Yes she knew he had a child and communicated with his ex because of said child, but why does that need to stop now because she is pregnant or in a relationship with him?
And before anyone says anything, it again is not skewed by my own experience nobody has the right to tell people what to do with their lives, if it was just a random ex without children I would likely be a bit more on the partners side, but as I’m sure a lot of women on here can attest the tables turn very quickly in these types of relationships and generally what you do to one person and are happy about can and will happen to you.

How would she feel in a years time if the relationship ended and Op has a new partner and she calls excited to tell him about something their dc has done at nursery or has taken a few steps, that isn’t important but is something that can if possible be shared with the other parent. She would feel like shit and that her child isn’t important, because it’s father is having lunch with his new gf.

You used emotive language, which the Op didn’t and that plays the heart stings of some people, especially those who have been in that situation.

The pair of them are wrong and not once did I say the Op wasn’t.

A good partner doesn’t get snappy when a decision has nothing to do with them is being made, it’s not her child and there are plenty of women on this board who would tell the partner to mind her own when it comes to making those choices.

Also none of us know how often these blowouts happen, many times in situations where a woman has had a massive row with their partners, the general consensus on here is either LTB, kick him out or take the kids and stay at a friends for the night.
What’s the difference? To stop an argument in its tracks, if they’re both not able to resolve it there and then, then someone needs to walk away to take a breather, it just so happened to be the Op.

My bar is set extremely high also!

Although any relationship after this may be hard. You've had two failed relationships and 2 children from different mothers.