I'm unhappy with my pregnant girlfriend - what do I do?

[lostsoul23]

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

I have a child with me ex who is in secondary school now.

My ex and I don’t get along but it’s amicable and we will text/call every now and then about our son if anything comes up. Both parents are involved with him and that’s how I want to be, I’m not one of those dads who has distant/no interest in his school/friends etc.

My partner unfortunately hasn’t had a stable father figure and a few of her friends with children are single mums, so dads/men never really were highly regarded.

She is an amazing strong woman and after are wobbly start had taken to being a stepparent really well.

But we argue a lot about it - she will comment how no one grows up wanting to be a step parent (which I agree, but she was aware all along and knew the situation I was in before we got together) how it’s hard for her and to see me still in contact with my ex as it just is a constant reminder that I had a life with another woman who I loved enough to get pregnant.

Her involvement in my son is a recurring argument too, if a big decision needs to be made then it’s me that tends to make it, but we discuss it first, that turns into an argument about how she is involved in the good stuff and pays half our bills but has no real say in his life. I agree to an extend but also, he has a mother and a father so being a stepparent in this case is a good thing you get to be involved and enjoy being a bonus parent without the worries?

If something happens and I just deal with it (school, plans etc) then she feels like she isn’t involved.
If we discuss something but I don’t go with her opinion she feels like she doesn’t have a say.
When we discuss these issues, she says how hard it is being a stepparent that it’s a constant reminder that your raising someone else’s child.

We have quite different parenting styles. Her style is to copy what she learned growing up, harsh punishments, items taken away, if they do wrong there are consequences. Children should have chores and responsibilities etc.
Mine is different in the sense I would rather educate and make them learn from their mistakes. I’m happy to punish and take items away but I’d rather them learn their lesson and not do it again than just punish for doing wrong.
Does anything like that seem familiar to you and your experiences?

As he has recently stated high school I’ve been in contact with his mum a fair bit, teething issues, new schedules, homework etc. We had a massive fight this weekend as his mum called about how to use a new homework system and my partner kicked off. Annoyed that she made breakfast that went cold because I was 5-10 minutes later than her. Said can’t go a day without hearing my ex’s voice. It didn’t stop there and over an hour later she is still giving me the cold shoulder and huffing about it.

I defended myself and said I’ll always be available if my son needs help and it’s been less than 10 minutes.

We had a big screaming match in which I lost my rag and said that this is me we’ve been together 3 years you need to grow up and stop being so jealous. and that it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life and doesn’t see this is what people can be like when they want involvement with their children!

I feel bad for swearing and shouting and saying this but I’m also at a point where we’ve been together long enough now that she should be over this pettiness, and I can’t take much more of being made to feel bad because I’m involved in my son’s life even when it’s not his day to be here.

I left for the night and intend on apologising but it’s tricky now because I don’t want this type of fight anymore but I don’t see it going away.

I don't know what to do next - her being pregnant obviously doesn't make things easier - part of me wishes she wasn't and that we could go our separate ways.

I feel unhappy and this doesn't feel like something that can be fixed easily.

I don't know, I haven't had a chance to discuss with her since yesterday but it's something I would like to talk about.

Whether counselling works or not is highly dependent on whether you're both aiming at the same thing.

She struggles with the fact that I am still tied to my previous life

Unless we are dealing with some kind of reincarnation here, your first child is not and should not be viewed by you or your DP as belonging to your previous life.

This is your first task, to accept that you are all in this together, and you as the adults have to get over your egos, and have the grown up conversations you probably should have been having before you decided to add a baby into this mix, so you can make the best of this for your collective children.

If you need some help to do this then counselling might be a good plan. Magic wands they don't have though.

Ffs this poor bloke has come on asking for advice and some posters are really giving him a hard time and making a lot of judgy comments.

OP I think it would be best to break up and Co parent as best you can. It would hopefully work out better than having parents shouting at each other. Good luck.

You should not shout and swear at your pregnant girlfriend, genuinely: what is wrong with you? It's disgraceful behaviour, you should be grovelling hard.

Hi OP, so ive been with my fiancée for 7 years. I was your girlfriend in this situation. It drove me absolutely crazy knowing my boyfriend and his ex still spoke about the kids. And he did include me in everything. Me an his ex dont get on mainly because she is utter useless as a mum (but thats another Story).
Your girlfriend will drive herself insane with it all. I done it and it got too 2 years in an i was pregnant and when my little one was born my whole sole focus was him. I didnt care about anything else.i took a huge step back from parenting his older 2. For my sanity. Just be open and honest with her. Its hard because as a step parent you parent but are unsure of your role as the child already has mum an dad. So maybe shes doing alot and expecting alot back.
If you love her and she loves you stick by her persevere and hopefully fingers crossed the jealousy will mellow. I still get little bouts of it now. But i know hed never ever go back there. Its just hard to get your head around someone you love and adore being tied to someone else for a long long time.
Hope this helps.

What is going to happen is that she will eventually want you to choose between her and your son. She's jealous. This is so common, I've seen it so often. I think it's one of those situations that is really hard to resolve. My ex husband chose his partner over our son under similar circumstances. My son is terribly damaged by the rejection and has never really come to terms with it.

I'd think very carefully about continuing this relationship and making sure you get a child arrangements order for the new baby when he/she arrives. I wouldn't normally advise leaving a pregnant woman but I think this is so damaging for all parties.

Louise2732 - thank you, that is reassuring, and I appreciate it's a very difficult situation.

Like I've said and been brought to task on by some posters, I am not perfect, far from it and make mistakes.

I just want to find a way to fix this issue if it at all fixable for my partner's sake and my children's sake.

Just try to do the right thing by the children. You can't please everyone in this situation, but make the kids your equal priorty, don't be forced to choose.

I think playing devils advocate here it may not be about the breakfast at all, that’s probably just what she felt the final straw in feeling that she’s not a priority & that when your sons mum says jump, you say how high. She might have been really looking forward to that time with you & felt a bit unappreciated if she’s taken the time to cook & you’re taking a call that could have been held off for 30 minutes, possibly your boys mum could have called any of her friends to figure out the homework portal in your exes opinion. I do think it’s lovely you & your ex have this relationship & I’d love my husband & his ex to get along like that. I’m not agreeing with her because I don’t think she’s right, but for her this is a lot of firsts & she’s conscious you’ve been there done that already.
i really hope you work it out, pregnancy is rough on anyone & psychologically it must be very daunting to be pregnant when you’ve emphasised fairly well that her dad left, its probably a very emotional time & you leaving probably hadn’t helped to be honest. Though I see it was to de-escalate the argument, in her pregnant & fairly vulnerable hormonal state it might have been better to take a deep breath, thank her for breakfast, apologise for dismissing the kind thing she tried to do by cooking for you, not be defensive to the point you both end up screaming and offer to make it up with one on one time with her over lunch, with your phone on silent.
Pointing out to a pregnant woman that she’s jealous of your ex may not be super-helpful in keeping things calm.
if she’s overall a good step mum try & cut her some slack, I didn’t get the impression from your post that she doesn’t care, or doesn’t support you, or doesn’t look after your son, far more that she feels excluded & a bit of a taken for granted third wheel.

Do try though to get on the same page about appropriate discipline, because trying to raise 2 children with a completely different structure will be difficult at best & a nightmare at worst.

she needs to step back from your first child! my husbands son is 15 and we have an 18 month old together. I used to struggle with it all but as time went on i was more secure in relationship and now i stay well out of it - he's not my child so I let them deal with any issues with him, school stuff, etc - I get on really well with my step son - but we just do fun things together rather than me being another parent.

I would like to to be more laid back and understanding about what she means when she is upset about things. Unfortunately, she shows her upset through anger and then says of a lot of things she doesn't mean. I want to understand what she is trying to say when she is upset.

And yet you yelled and swore at her and then stormed out of the family home all night whilst she's pregnant.

She has pregnancy hormones as an excuse for her temper. What's your excuse?

Op ignore,the mean petty responses you are getting. If you were a woman ,you wouldn't be getting all these harsh responses.You are not a baby that ran away and you are doing the right thing by being a Father first.If you struck her they would be asking you why you didn't walk away first to cool off.

Why are we women so mean. Men are always given such a hard time on here! They will be the same women that will tell your dp to put her new childs needs ahead of your older child. Then claim that 2nd families come last behind the precious 'first' family.

1.Leaving her should not be an option. People are nutty to suggest this. Are you just going to go through life making children and then abandoning their mothers when the going gets tough? Of course you're not. You've done that once and you know from experience that you will have to learn how to deal with her regardless. There is no running away. You are going to work it out.

1. Appreciate that you are not even beginning to grasp what she is going through right now, the fears and anxiety and uncertainty she is subject to as a first time mother, with a partner who has a proven track record of bailing when things get tough. The physical changes. The fear of an overwhelming and inescapable lifelong responsibility. Mothers do not get to quit, ever.
2. It's going to be OK and she is going to cope and grow in magnificent ways and experience untold joy but she doesn't know that. Remind her.
3. Go for counselling. Hold tight. It will be OK.

Yeah, it isn't "mean" to try and protect vulnerable women from verbal abuse. This man is screaming and swearing at his pregnant partner, he is being abusive to her. It isn't mean to point that out. In fact, the OP agrees that this isn't right and wants to do better.

OP: you are right to continue active involvement with your child. Children should always come first. Perhaps you could set up a time each day to talk to the ex if you need to talk, so that your partner knows what to expect? Obviously in an emergency you would have to pick up. But I would be annoyed about missing breakfast of a weekend I had spent time cooking as well. And I wouldn't fawn over my partner going "omg how annoying for you that you had to take that call, poor you!". Perhaps designated time would help.

Also establish together what her involvement should be so she doesn't feel excluded and doesn't overstep. Perhaps you need to tell her straight that she has no involvement or decision making powers.

This is good advice

Yes thank you Bb16103 it is good advice and I hope we can use this as a line in the sand to resolve (or work on them properly) any issues over the coming months.

Exactly.

If it’s a choice between helping my child and breakfast, breakfast can wait. A few sausages can easily be tossed into a microwave for god’s sake. It’s hardly as if she’s slaved over the cooker for 30 hours creating a masterpiece, is it?

There’s so many comments along the lines of “so why did you get her pregnant if she’s x, y and z”. Surely people aren’t so stupid to realise that it’s a bit late to be asking those questions? OP doesn’t need a lecture on his mistakes, he needs ideas for solutions.

(I’m not talking about abusive relationships, for clarification, I know from experience they are incredibly difficult to leave), but I’ve read a lot of threads on here where women stay with shit men, don’t get married and then are confused that they’ve had no job for 20 years, aren’t on the deeds of the house, and have no right to any assets. Or they date a shit, lazy man who barely showers once a week then goes on to have 3 kids with him and are completely baffled that the guy is a shit dad.

People make mistakes. However there’s a child, soon to be two, involved and OP needs some workable solutions so his children aren’t disproportionately affected by this.

Why did you and your ex break up OP? Was it something permanent, no coming back from or were either of you reluctant to separate? Does your new partner know this? Have you discussed it? I struggle with the fact my partner had a whole other life with somebody else before me too, it's really hard. But I try and remember why they are not together now.

This. She sounds like a loon.

I’ve been pregnant twice and yes, I’ve had many questionable moments.

But being “hormonal” is not an excuse to treat your partner like shit. You can’t tear shreds off someone and say horrendous things to your partner and not expect any sort of kickback. Is OP supposed to just sit there and cry while she’s going off on one?

He yelled and swore back. He is not his girlfriend’s emotional punch bag. If she is struggling that much with her emotions and temper then she needs to book in and see a GP to see what help is available to her.

He yelled and swore back. He is not his girlfriend’s emotional punch bag. If she is struggling that much with her emotions and temper then she needs to book in and see a GP to see what help is available to her

Yes, and if he has no better way of responding to her emotions and temper, then he needs to stay away from her. Abusing someone 'back' doesn't make it ok to be abusing them. People who aren't abusive walk away, and reconsider their relationship. People who aren't abusive don't get drawn into being abusive by having someone abuse them.

I’d be pretty pissed off too if you prioritised a non urgent call from your ex over eating a meal with me I’d spent time preparing. Several people have mentioned this fact, but you’ve yet to explain to us why you thought that conversation with your ex was the priority? If that example is an indicator of how things go, I can see why your current partner feels sidelined and unimportant I’m your or your sons life. Why the fuck couldn’t you either ignore the call, or answer, and when you knew it wasn’t about a medical emergency or similar, explain you were busy and you would speak to her later?

Me and my partner both have kids from previous relationships. We have no children together.

Therefore in our set up there are two sets of exes, and two sets of step children.

The kids are great. I am probably stricter than my dp. We tend not to administer "punishments" to the other partner's children. Normal day to day reprimanding (everyday, "don't do that", "that was a silly" "you should really say sorry") we both do. But taking away of stuff is done by the parent if required.

Ex-Partners need a bit more work, but there is an understanding that exes are exes for a reason, but in these circumstances, they're not people that you have no contact with post-separation. I treat my ex husband like a colleague- we have to work together, but I don't want to socialise with him! Our interactions are practical, not familiar. My dp could happily sit in the room whilst I'm on a call to my ex, and he would feel entirely comfortable with the conversations (if he wished to!).

However, this is done at a level of respect that we've had to nurture for each other. And that's what sounds like what is missing in your scenario. She seems to be lacking respect for your situation as a parent, and you seem to lack respect that this situation is alien to her, and she feels on the margins.

Personally I think that counselling could really help. Ask around for recommendations, some counsellors are much better than others. I don't think just leaving is the answer! Seems premature if you can try and work together to figure out how to co-parent amicably within your house, and also help her to accept your need to co-parent with your ex-partner.

Having looked again at some of the advice and your response OP I can see I might have been harsh and a bit hasty. That's the good thing about MN - you get a balance, different ways of looking at things - a wider perspective on things. Whatever happens I wish you and you GF all the best.