I'm unhappy with my pregnant girlfriend - what do I do?

[lostsoul23]

My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs, lived together for almost 2, we are pregnant and expecting next year.

I have a child with me ex who is in secondary school now.

My ex and I don’t get along but it’s amicable and we will text/call every now and then about our son if anything comes up. Both parents are involved with him and that’s how I want to be, I’m not one of those dads who has distant/no interest in his school/friends etc.

My partner unfortunately hasn’t had a stable father figure and a few of her friends with children are single mums, so dads/men never really were highly regarded.

She is an amazing strong woman and after are wobbly start had taken to being a stepparent really well.

But we argue a lot about it - she will comment how no one grows up wanting to be a step parent (which I agree, but she was aware all along and knew the situation I was in before we got together) how it’s hard for her and to see me still in contact with my ex as it just is a constant reminder that I had a life with another woman who I loved enough to get pregnant.

Her involvement in my son is a recurring argument too, if a big decision needs to be made then it’s me that tends to make it, but we discuss it first, that turns into an argument about how she is involved in the good stuff and pays half our bills but has no real say in his life. I agree to an extend but also, he has a mother and a father so being a stepparent in this case is a good thing you get to be involved and enjoy being a bonus parent without the worries?

If something happens and I just deal with it (school, plans etc) then she feels like she isn’t involved.
If we discuss something but I don’t go with her opinion she feels like she doesn’t have a say.
When we discuss these issues, she says how hard it is being a stepparent that it’s a constant reminder that your raising someone else’s child.

We have quite different parenting styles. Her style is to copy what she learned growing up, harsh punishments, items taken away, if they do wrong there are consequences. Children should have chores and responsibilities etc.
Mine is different in the sense I would rather educate and make them learn from their mistakes. I’m happy to punish and take items away but I’d rather them learn their lesson and not do it again than just punish for doing wrong.
Does anything like that seem familiar to you and your experiences?

As he has recently stated high school I’ve been in contact with his mum a fair bit, teething issues, new schedules, homework etc. We had a massive fight this weekend as his mum called about how to use a new homework system and my partner kicked off. Annoyed that she made breakfast that went cold because I was 5-10 minutes later than her. Said can’t go a day without hearing my ex’s voice. It didn’t stop there and over an hour later she is still giving me the cold shoulder and huffing about it.

I defended myself and said I’ll always be available if my son needs help and it’s been less than 10 minutes.

We had a big screaming match in which I lost my rag and said that this is me we’ve been together 3 years you need to grow up and stop being so jealous. and that it’s not my fault that she has no father figure in her life and doesn’t see this is what people can be like when they want involvement with their children!

I feel bad for swearing and shouting and saying this but I’m also at a point where we’ve been together long enough now that she should be over this pettiness, and I can’t take much more of being made to feel bad because I’m involved in my son’s life even when it’s not his day to be here.

I left for the night and intend on apologising but it’s tricky now because I don’t want this type of fight anymore but I don’t see it going away.

I don't know what to do next - her being pregnant obviously doesn't make things easier - part of me wishes she wasn't and that we could go our separate ways.

I feel unhappy and this doesn't feel like something that can be fixed easily.

So you’ve never had an argument? Really? You’ve never argued back with your partner? What bollocks.

OP has done just that- he’s realised the situation is a mess and came on here for help. But half of you are essentially calling him a woman beater by default.

At the end of the day, the OPs partner is the one here who is coming across as overwhelmingly abusive when you take her behaviour into full account. She needs professional help.

But you already knew all this tension existed, why did you get her pregnant? Contraception is both your responsibility so you could have chosen not to.

You don't seem to want to answer questions asked of you and I doubt you'll answer mine.

Is she working? Do you both earn the same amount?
Is she doing all the cooking and cleaning?

@BirdyWoof

So you’ve never had an argument? Really? You’ve never argued back with your partner? What bollocks

I never said this. Why are you saying that something nobody said is 'bollocks'? How weird. For the record, if my partner and I disagree on something, we don't verbally abuse each other. Nobody in a healthy relationship would.

OP said they had a big screaming match, he lost his rag, and he feels bad for shouting and screaming. If this seems like decent behaviour to you during a disagreement with your partner, you need to have a look at yourself and your relationship, rather than telling other people they're talking 'bollocks'. Losing your rag and screaming at someone is abuse. Two people doing it to each other doesn't negate it, it just means that two people are being abusive at once.

You are reading it as jealousy- perhaps she reads it as lack of commitment or communication.

Try making sure she isn't left out of decisions that affect her- and everything involving you affects her.

Just because a discussion is about your son, it doesn't take priority over the person in the room with you. The polite approach would be 'sorry babe, I need to ring ex to sort out an issue with DS's school. Shall I do it now, or after breakfast?'

Can’t be arsed with someone who says “we are pregnant”
no, you are not pregnant. You are expecting to have a child.

your body is not going through the process to grow a baby to around 7lb from your own flesh, bones, minerals, blood, oxygen etc. you contributed precisely 1
large gamete cell. Every other cell in your babies body will be grown form it’s mothers resources and energy. A baby doesn’t get to be 7lb odd of flesh, bone and fat by magic, fgs.

your body is also not going through the changes required to birth a baby out of a womb that has to eject a 10cm round object from it without (hopefully) irreparable damage that would kill a man if he tried to get it out of one of his orifices.

women do not “carry” a child. It is not a passive act .

Your body is going through precisely zilch biological and physiological changes to produce that child. Except from being, I hope, a bit tired because you are trying to support your pregnant partner.

pregnancy is a biological condition that is a parasitic relationship between the women and the growing featus . It is an active process that lasts even after birth.

And while you are at it, take some responsibility for your own fertility. She didn’t get pregnant magically either. It’s too late now for you to be making with the “woo is me” that a child is now on the way. Should have thought about that sooner .

I see a few people are worried of an abusive relationship, please don't think it is abusive.

We argue and we may shout when we argue, but I am pretty vanilla it's a
standard argument. Sometimes when we argue, and we lose our tempers we'll descent to name calling and the odd bit of swearing/

It's completely not acceptable at all which I agree, and which I know I need to apologise for.

But I can assure everyone there is no abuse and no one is in danger e.t.c

Hi madasawethen

We both earn similar amounts, and both take on the housework/cooking 50/50. I take on the main share of things with my son but she does help with meals at some time in the week.

I work from home a few days a week so do most of the housework and cooking in general, washing, shopping.

It's an even and fair relationship, although I would argue I do more around the house.

ThanksAntsThants

It's something we discussed and she wanted a baby. There was some tension and it did come up that she felt de-valued that I had a child with someone else and that I loved someone else enough to have a baby, so why don't I love her enough to get her pregnant?

When we first met we had a talk about children and I said I didn't see any more in my future, but as we became close and fell in love my feelings changed and I was ready to have another baby with this beautiful woman.

Unfortunately, it appears some of the minor issues have grown, some of the bigger issues which I anticipated to lessen (jealousy, once we have been together long enough and she was more assured and happy, I wrongly assumed this would die down).

My ex and I split after about 11 years it was a relationship that unfortunately fizzled out. I would have preferred to fix it but she felt best to move on and there are no feelings of love/anything towards her now other than just being the mother to my son. There haven't been any of those feelings for about 9 years.

Thank you sunlovingcriminal - that is some really good advice.

My relationship with my ex is very similar. We are police but there is no niceties, it is 'work' when we are talking, that's a great way to describe them, a colleague.

I feel like i have re-assured as much as I can, I feel like I have anyway, perhaps I haven't done that enough if my partner still has feeling of jealousy.

This is a really hard situation because I think on paper with no children (my boy included) involved then it may be something we could both walk away from.

But if this relationship did end, then my boy would be devastated as he loves her, we then potentially have a baby without it's parents together and then we both are going to be upset that it didn't work out.

Get an electronic online calendar that you and her and your ex have access to and you and your ex fill it with the events of the month with your child

Don't answer non urgent phone calls during eating that's rude

Ask her what she would like to do and plan a day around her ideas of something fun to do with your child and you

Make correspondence between you are your ex via email and or text rather than phone calls. Hearing your ex's voice everyday must be hell

Be kind her hormones are all over the shop

I guess I am defending myself a little but to clarify about the meal.

I was upstairs, answered the call.
She was downstairs doing breakfast, I wasn't aware it had started just that it was being 'done'.

Timing conflicted.

But, I completely take the advice of not answering in the leadup, that is a lesson I have learned for sure and won't repeat.

Oh Dear. How often does your Son stay over at your house? It's strange that a step parents wants to male decisions on a high school aged child. Would she be happy for your ex to do the same?

How did the baby come along??

To be honest it sounds bad and I probably would explain this what you have wrote here OP because it does not sound as though you can work at it.

I’m sorry, but you should be able to answer your call regarding your son, no matter what your doing. Urgent or non urgent.

i find it odd that people in this thread think he shouldn’t of took a non urgent call about his son because his partner made breakfast! LOL

Paigeycakey - he is here about 50% of the time, averages 3 nights a week.

We had been trying to get pregnant for a year, and I guess I should had seen some warnings signs over the year, where she would accuse me of not being bothered its taking so long because I already have a child e.t.c.

She would suggest different things to use, and I didn't see the point of them, we were going to get pregnant anyway if not this month then next month - and looking back maybe I did come across as not too concerned about how long it took.

It really doesn't sound that hopeless to me as long as you both want to fix this. Couples counselling can really help with that. Maybe it will create more understanding about where the other person is coming from and a better communication style for both of you before the frustration hits "screaming scale".

If you'd both be a bit calmer (might not happen during pregnancy and sleep exhaustion but work on it), and communicate about how certain events make the other person feel left out, unloved, or unrespected and reassure each other then it would already be a lot better.

Your different parenting styles also needs some working on but since the baby won't be needing "parenting" much in the beginning but more "caring", that can be tackled once you've both learnt to communicate effectively with each other.

I am starting to feel uncomfortable posting here about this if I am honest with you all, because my partner has no way to defend herself, and although it's nice to be able to vent and discuss it, I don't want to paint her in a bad light.

It’s really rude, and frankly disrespectful to prioritise a totally unnecessary call from your ex over having a relaxing, enjoyable meal with your partner after they put time and effort into cooking it. She’s an ex for a reason, and the call probably didn’t need to happen at all, it could have been communicated by text or email Im sure.

The fact he did take it (and probably does this on a regular basis if his partner says she’s fed up of hearing the exs voice every day) and didn’t grasp how bloody rude it was when he knew his partner had started making a meal is a good indicator of just why his partner is so upset about the living situation.

Relationships thrive on mutual respect and appreciation, and he really didn’t show much of either to his partner or her feelings in this scenario.

The mistake you made there is not looking at the of scale of importance for each person. You don't know if you would have been one of the 20% of couples that have trouble conceiving. If you would have valued the importance of you both on a scale of 1-10 how important it was to try your wifes suggestio to conceive, the importance for her might have been an 8 or 9, while your value was a 1 because you didn't want to put the effort in, but how much effort would it have been really? If you'd have had to value the effort of her suggestion, would the importance of NOT going along with it been an 8 or 9 for you? Because it probably wasn't and you could have just tried her suggestion for her, because it was important to her, and her wellbeing and wants in life should be important to you and the cost to you would have been so little.

Often if you look at the importance from each side you realise that your "meh, can't be bothered that much" should be changed to "I don't care that much but it's okay to do so if it's so important to her".

Can I just point out to some posters that the pregnant girlfriend was doing plenty of screaming and swearing herself, she isn't being abused here. They had a row. Couples do that. Being pregnant isn't an excuse. If he's a tosser for shouting and swearing then so is she.

She doesn't sound very nice, jealous of a kid. And who wouldn't want the kid's mum involved, most people would encourage that?

List of insightful comments.
If breakfast was a full English cooked breakfast and a pot of tea,you should have rescheduled a call to discuss homework . If it was a piece of piece of toast or a bowl of Frosties I suppose it could wait but either way it sends the message that your partners efforts go unappreciated.
I can't see things getting any better. Life will likely get more complicated with two children and two mothers especially if another partner comes along.

She would suggest different things to use, and I didn't see the point of them, we were going to get pregnant anyway if not this month then next month - and looking back maybe I did come across as not too concerned about how long it took.

This and a few other comments earlier on us telling me that you are not listening to her. You think you are. But you are not REALLY listening. When something is important to her, you don’t pick up on it. I mean a year is a long time and she is likely to have gone through a real roller coaster already but you didn’t see it? How could that be?

And if you miss something like this, the feeling low/disappointed/worried etc… at each period, what else are you missing?

id say your communication is crap (your together, not just yours iyswim).
Yes go and see a counsellor and work on it.
Stop making it all her fault whilst claiming you’re not perfect either. The fact she didn’t have a father figure is probably quite low of the causes of your miscommunication. She doesn’t need to have that fact throw at her face like this, esp as she had no control over it!
And remember that for communication to work it takes two people. You will have just as much work to do in it as she does!

Hi AsterixInEngland

You're right, our communication isn't as good as it should be, it's something we should be working on for sure.

The problem is that no one here knows what is happening in the background. There might be many other instances where the DP feels sidelines/taken for granted and it just so happened it all came out about b’fast.
The OP has sown he doesn’t really listen or take his DP views into account ‘because he didn’t see the issue. It would happen anyway’. What ekes is he nit listening to?

so yes his DP might be angry and aggressive as such. Or this might be the result if his behaviour. Or it might be that they are both ‘at fault ’ and unable to step back and react like adults. I’d suspect the truth is the lasting one tbh. They both need to grow up and learn to respect the other person.