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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Cheated - What Should I do?

107 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 20:45

I found out today, via finding emails, that my husband cheated with another women for 10 months (ending earlier this year). He told her that he wasn't married and was telling her about their future, then ghosted her. We have been happily married for 5 years.

I've always said that, if I was cheated on, I would split, but I still love him. Has anyone been through anything similar? What did you do? Would I be hanging onto a failed marraige?

OP posts:
Raindrops2015 · 24/09/2022 20:51

Can you really stomach him after this? Does the whole idea of him having sex with someone else then having sex with you without you knowing not make you f

Raindrops2015 · 24/09/2022 20:52

Feel violated and disgusted. Wheres your consent in this? 10 months? How many lies to your face? Get angry and get rid!

ivykaty44 · 24/09/2022 20:52

What do you want to do?

does he know you’ve found out?
do you want time to think it over?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2022 20:54

There's nothing to salvage here.

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 20:55

That's a fifth of your marriage. For me, that would be unforgivable.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2022 20:56

Not only has he treated you appallingly, he treated this other woman like utter rubbish, too.

This is who he is.

properdoughnut · 24/09/2022 20:57

I'd ask him to take an STI test then go from there

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 24/09/2022 20:57

I am so sorry. 💐

Before you do anything, do some reading on sunk cost fallacy in relationships, which looks at the issue where you've invested so much in a relationship you think you need to continue it even if it's bad for you, the pick-me dance where you try to make yourself more attractive to him than the other woman was and hysterical bonding where the couple has tons of sex after Discovery Day which makes the person who was cheated on think there is a really strong bond between them.

I can tell you that my life would be very different if I had read up on those things after the first affair was discovered.

You can get through this but you really need to find your anger now.

JamesBondOO7 · 24/09/2022 20:58

Sadly, all of the women that worked with me all said the same as you, they'd leave, cut of his... but come the day, they broke down.

People are rarely prepared to find out they have been deceived for a month, 9 months or years and often with best friend

Tell the cheat to get checked to see if he has picked up any sexual disease and hopefully not given it to you.

Check if the other woman is expecting

Only you can decide after that

Wish you the right decision for a future of happiness.

Good luck

JamesBondOO7 · 24/09/2022 21:00

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 20:55

That's a fifth of your marriage. For me, that would be unforgivable.

Please see my previous post
It affects both sexes that way, ie women that say they leave if cheated on and men that say that often break down and keep them unless the OH leaves.

0live · 24/09/2022 21:06

What did I do? I stayed and forgave him. I helped him sort out the mess that was created by his affair ( it was a subordinate at work and there were disciplinary issues ).

I was understanding and supportive when he told me how let down and betrayed he felt by his affair partner and how he needed to grieve.

I read books and arranged marriage counselling for us. I sat quietly for weeks listening to him and the counsellor chat about his childhood / work / life and why it wasn’t his fault he had an affair . And why I just needed to accept that he was sorry and get over it already.

I waited patiently and hoped that we could rebuild our marriage for the sake of our children . I didn’t tell any of my friends and family as he didn’t want me to and I didn’t want then to think badly of him.

My husband stayed angry at both me and the affair partner for letting him down. He didn’t remotely appreciate all my love, patience and understanding and he continued to treat me like shit and neglect our children.

Then he went out and cheated with some else and now finally I’m divorcing him. I wasted 5 years of my life in an unhappy marriage.

Dont be me.

AthenaPopodopolous · 24/09/2022 21:08

Honestly? I think most men cheat, even the happily married ones. If you love him, try to forgive him if you think it would be a one off. Do you have a lot to lose financially? What about children? Do you have kids with your husband or planning a family?

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 24/09/2022 21:10

Don’t waste your time trying to make it work, you’ll be miserable forever more. Imagine being scared every time he goes anywhere without you, wondering what he’s up to. Plus if you forgive him, it gives him the power to do whatever he likes in future.

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 24/09/2022 21:14

I would put the TTC on hold for a kick off, because that will confuse things more than you ever thought possible.

What you do is up to you,only you know of you can live like this. This isn't the time to bring a child into this relationship though, that's for sure.

Cazs818 · 24/09/2022 21:17

Clearly the love isn’t reciprocated , can you honestly share a bed , home & life with someone that thought so little of you

I’m coming out of a 20 year marriage no cheating involved , he woke up one day and decided that me nor he’s kids where worth staying for and walked out breaking mine and kids heart , he tried crawling back a week later I found the strength to close the door & file for divorce I’m worth a lot more than that

romany4 · 24/09/2022 21:20

AthenaPopodopolous · 24/09/2022 21:08

Honestly? I think most men cheat, even the happily married ones. If you love him, try to forgive him if you think it would be a one off. Do you have a lot to lose financially? What about children? Do you have kids with your husband or planning a family?

10 months is not a one off!!

Op get rid of him. He's shown you exactly what type of man he is

Coffeeandcake15 · 24/09/2022 21:24

Absolutely not! A marriage built on deceit and lies isn’t a healthy one. Not only that, he clearly has very little respect for women in general, lying to a woman that he’s single, planning their future and ghosting her is the lowest of the low.

Catlover1970 · 24/09/2022 21:25

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

leave. He is a cheater who has deceived. Do you want him as the father of your kids?

Catlover1970 · 24/09/2022 21:26

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

You’re not stuck.

Ell95 · 24/09/2022 21:29

This is such a hard decision to make because you can't help but feel how you feel about him even though what he did is unforgivable. Confront him, tell him you need some space apart to think - a few weeks and then focus on yourself and think from there. You may be happier

Ell95 · 24/09/2022 21:31

Also, just ask yourself - do you think he will never do this again?

drpet49 · 24/09/2022 21:33

One night stand, maybe.

10 month full blown affair- no chance in hell would I stay.

Pansypotter123 · 24/09/2022 21:35

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

Yours is a relatively shorty marriage and you do not have children (please don't think I'm harsh saying this, just being factual).

Why would you lose financially?
Who owns the house? Do you work? Who is the breadwinner?

Minimalme · 24/09/2022 21:38

0live · 24/09/2022 21:06

What did I do? I stayed and forgave him. I helped him sort out the mess that was created by his affair ( it was a subordinate at work and there were disciplinary issues ).

I was understanding and supportive when he told me how let down and betrayed he felt by his affair partner and how he needed to grieve.

I read books and arranged marriage counselling for us. I sat quietly for weeks listening to him and the counsellor chat about his childhood / work / life and why it wasn’t his fault he had an affair . And why I just needed to accept that he was sorry and get over it already.

I waited patiently and hoped that we could rebuild our marriage for the sake of our children . I didn’t tell any of my friends and family as he didn’t want me to and I didn’t want then to think badly of him.

My husband stayed angry at both me and the affair partner for letting him down. He didn’t remotely appreciate all my love, patience and understanding and he continued to treat me like shit and neglect our children.

Then he went out and cheated with some else and now finally I’m divorcing him. I wasted 5 years of my life in an unhappy marriage.

Dont be me.

Bless you. I hope karma exists and you ex gets to experience what he did to you.

Well done for getting out Flowers