Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Cheated - What Should I do?

107 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 20:45

I found out today, via finding emails, that my husband cheated with another women for 10 months (ending earlier this year). He told her that he wasn't married and was telling her about their future, then ghosted her. We have been happily married for 5 years.

I've always said that, if I was cheated on, I would split, but I still love him. Has anyone been through anything similar? What did you do? Would I be hanging onto a failed marraige?

OP posts:
Floomobal · 24/09/2022 21:40

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

In that case, the answer is easy. DIVORCE

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2022 21:42

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

Oh, op, your reasoning is so, so skewed. The money just doesn't matter, it honestly, truly doesn't. You're young, you'll make more money. You will not get back the years you waste on a man like this. He will 100% cheat on you again.

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:43

Pansypotter123 · 24/09/2022 21:35

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

Yours is a relatively shorty marriage and you do not have children (please don't think I'm harsh saying this, just being factual).

Why would you lose financially?
Who owns the house? Do you work? Who is the breadwinner?

He owns the house (not in my name) and we're on equal pay I assume because of the former that, if we divorced, I would be screwed over? Obviously, I want to do what is right over money, but still need to live.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 24/09/2022 21:48

You will get at least half the equity in the house - you're married and he's at fault

YukoandHiro · 24/09/2022 21:49

Unless you signed a prenup stating otherwise, you still have entitlement to half the house because you're married

Theonlywayisup1 · 24/09/2022 22:02

Does he know you know OP?

Pansypotter123 · 24/09/2022 22:10

You've got the rest of your life ahead of you - go and see a solicitor and discuss divorce proceedings. Do not waste any more years on him. Who knows, you could still meet someone with whom you can start a family (but please don't rush in and settle for just anyone!).

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 22:19

Theonlywayisup1 · 24/09/2022 22:02

Does he know you know OP?

Yes, he dones. When asked who she was, he stated that he didn't know. After a long time, he said it was a one-off, but I had already emailed the other woman (who has been deeply affected by his deceit and seems so lovely)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2022 22:31

After a long time, he said it was a one-off, but I had already emailed the other woman (who has been deeply affected by his deceit and seems so lovely)

Would you actually have a baby with a man who treats women so appallingly? He treats women like shit and has zero remorse for doing so.

hadtochangetothisone · 24/09/2022 22:32

Please don't listen to rope who are obviously not divorce lawyers about 'being entitled to half' .. it is just not that straightforward in a relatively short marriage with no kids !

Fault has no bearing!

How much have you contributed
How much deposit
Can you raise a mortgage and house yourself ?

You need to see a lawyer. Ignorance is NOT bliss. Regardless of what you decide to do .. (and I would do precisely NOTHING at the moment until you are completely armed with the knowledge you need to make a calm logical decision about your future. Based on facts.

Dacadactyl · 24/09/2022 22:35

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

I would not stay with him in your situation without children

dontputitthere · 24/09/2022 22:39

Do you want to tie yourself forever to this man by having kids?

Is this a safe loving respectful relationship to bring kids into?

10 months of lying, deceit, going behind your back and having sex with someone else. While you were blissfully unaware. So let's face it it's very probable there's more than one woman out there.

He seems to have no problem lying to get what he wants.

It sounds more like you crave the stability of the house, being in a relationship and starting a family. You can get all this and more - a loving, respectful, trusting relationship - but just not with him.

Tinks95 · 24/09/2022 22:42

What do you want? I know what I’d do, as much as I love my husband I couldn’t stay with him if he cheated. I wouldn’t be able to get it out of my head, and I’d worry he’d do it again. I’m sorry lovely, I just want to say try to stay strong, and do what you need to do. Do what you feel is best for you. I know you said financially you would suffer if you left him, have you got family members/ friends you could stay with so you can get your feet on the ground and have a fresh start?
Take your time and think things through, take some time for yourself also, doing things you enjoy! Sending hugs.

Bananarama21 · 24/09/2022 22:43

Op this won't be the first time or the last if you stay. Get out whilst you don't have dc and have the opportunity to meet someone decent.

WhatsitWiggle · 24/09/2022 22:43

I stayed, we had a young child together. Biggest regret of my life. I was worried about being a single parent, worried about affording somewhere to live, embarrassed that my marriage was failing.

10 years later and I finally found the courage to tell him I wanted to separate. 10 years of holding onto anger, disgust, mistrust.

You don't have children so get out now. He won't change, this is him. Do you want to build a life on lies?

BobsBurger · 24/09/2022 22:44

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 20:55

That's a fifth of your marriage. For me, that would be unforgivable.

This. A fifth of your marriage, think about it… He’s clearly a skilled liar and cold and cruel too to use two women at the same time with little regard for either. He’ll likely do it again given the opportunity.

Icecreamandapplepie · 24/09/2022 22:55

If you don't have kids it changes everything. Run like the wind.

PepperSprayFirstApologiseLater1 · 24/09/2022 22:57

Run, run, run.

He will do it again. Clinging on will ruin your life. You are worth more. He does not respect you, he does not love you.

Stop ttc immediately and thank god you haven't fallen pregnant yet.

Run.

Summerholidays2022 · 24/09/2022 23:18

leave .. he’ll ruin years of your life if you stay.

TherapistInATabard · 24/09/2022 23:25

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

You’ve been having unprotected sex with him for nearly year, almost the exact same length of time he’s been shagging someone else. Please get an STI check!

Mabelstearooms · 24/09/2022 23:30

AthenaPopodopolous · 24/09/2022 21:08

Honestly? I think most men cheat, even the happily married ones. If you love him, try to forgive him if you think it would be a one off. Do you have a lot to lose financially? What about children? Do you have kids with your husband or planning a family?

Most men certainly do not cheat. Please have better standards if you think this to be true.

Housemove18 · 24/09/2022 23:33

Definitely leave as you have no children (why most people stay). He’ll be promising you the earth now but in a few months he’ll be sick of talking about it and you’ll end up hating him. Everything will be a trigger for you and you’ll never be truly happy again staying with him. Sorry this has happened to you xx

Imogensmumma · 24/09/2022 23:37

Don’t feel you have to rush any decisions right now you are in shock that you have been betrayed and disrespected,

The fact that he not only cheated is bad enough but then lied when asked who and how long sends alarm bells to me.

If he cheated for 10 months and it finished early this year that means he was cheating in your 3/4 year of marriage…… so you need to question if it really is a happy marriage

5 years isn’t very long so don’t worry about the financial implications too much you will bounce back but maybe worth talking to a lawyer

Personally I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who cheated for 10 months because of money

LemonDrop22 · 24/09/2022 23:41

Speak to a solicitor. One who specialises in divorce & family law.n

Have you paid towards the mortgage etc.?

Being married may not guarantee 50 pc but its certainly a lot better than being unmarried.

LemonDrop22 · 24/09/2022 23:43

He's a double scum bag.

Cheats on the woman he's married to, and lies about being married/single in order to cheat, future faking that poor woman and then dumping her after the novelty of shagging get had worn off.

He treats women like shit on his shoes.