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Original poster

Husband Cheated - What Should I do?

107 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 20:45

I found out today, via finding emails, that my husband cheated with another women for 10 months (ending earlier this year). He told her that he wasn't married and was telling her about their future, then ghosted her. We have been happily married for 5 years.

I've always said that, if I was cheated on, I would split, but I still love him. Has anyone been through anything similar? What did you do? Would I be hanging onto a failed marraige?

OP posts:
bringbackveronicamars · 24/09/2022 23:43

He's been cheating on you for at least 20% of your marriage. And that's just the one you know about potentially...

You are not 'happily married'.

Do you honestly think you could get past this and trust him again?

Fraaahnces · 24/09/2022 23:45

For God’s sake don’t get pregnant. Take some time, see a counselor and a solicitor and get advice.

SarahDippity · 24/09/2022 23:46

Line in the sand. Contraception (if you can even contemplate sharing a bed with him.) Space. Time apart. You can start again. See a counsellor on your own. The sunk fallacy referred to above is worth reading up on. Also the opportunity cost of staying, ie losing time and independence by thinking you should try to rescue things. Don’t believe it is your job to save the marriage. I spent months insisting on joint therapy, seeing it as a joint endeavour. He was back with her within six months. The sick feeling never left me and it poisoned and corroded family life. Divorced now.

britneyisfree · 24/09/2022 23:46

There's no need to stay married to this guy. Ditch. Asap.

You will find better and you can TTC with him instead Flowers

DarkShade · 24/09/2022 23:50

What he did to both of you is awful. Leave, you do not want children with this deceitful man. For all you know she wasn't the first.

TheMoops · 25/09/2022 00:05

think most men cheat, even the happily married ones.

No they don't.
Don't be influenced by this sort of rubbish

MsDogLady · 25/09/2022 00:14

ET, this devious narcissist has trampled all over your trust, consent and choices. And OW’s. He clearly feels entitled to help himself to women and manipulate them with his lies for his own gratification.

It’s especially horrific that he was sleeping with OW while you were TTC, thereby risking not just your health but also the baby you could have conceived.

Instead of coming clean after discovery, he twisted the knife by lying again and again. Thank goodness you were able to get the whole story from OW. He treated both of you like garbage. If you choose to stay, you will face much more disloyalty, disrespect and infidelity from this faithless man.

Dery · 25/09/2022 00:15

OP - I don’t see a future for your marriage unless you and he decide to open it up.

You’ve only been married 5 years (you thought happily) and he’s already managed a 10 month affair. This wasn’t a drunken one off. This is 10 months of lying to your face, not being where he said he was, putting his dick in another woman - when you and he are trying for a baby. It’s persistent deceit and betrayal. He’s not the man you thought he was and he’s not worthy of you.

anewlifeforme22 · 25/09/2022 01:24

I'm in a similar situation, and have chosen to work on our marriage, but in all honesty it's bloody hard and has taken its toll on me mentally.

If you forgive him, be prepared to overthink everything. My husband says he loves me, and when he tells me I do believe him, but when I'm on my own I overthink, wondering if he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear, is he only staying with me because I'm the safe and comfortable option, does he still have feelings for her (he says he doesn't but he's hardly likely to admit that is he?) etc etc.

Alot of this is my paranoia, but it's hard to live with and I'm hoping in time it will get easier, all I know is however much I love him I can't live like this forever. Some people say it's easier in the long term to leave rather than 'save' your marriage and at the moment I'd have to agree. Like you, I have always said I'd leave if I was cheated on, and I meant it at the time, but when it happens to you and you really love your husband, it's not always that black and white is it.

My advice to you based on what I know now, would be to separate for a while to give yourself time to think, as I'm sure you must be in shock and overwhelmed with what you have found out. You need to be able to think clearly before making any decisions. and please talk to a trusted friend because I haven't and I spend a lot of time wondering whether I'm paranoid or not.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this x

feckoffbrian · 25/09/2022 02:46

Nope.
*Do not have a child with this man.

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is. Believe him.
Walk away.*

urbanbuddha · 25/09/2022 03:39

Truth is love. It's not all there is to love but it's part of the foundation. Definitely stop TTC. A baby puts a strain on the happiest and strongest of relationships and you haven't got that.

ShandaLear · 25/09/2022 05:11

You don’t love him. You love who you thought he was - an honourable, trustworthy man who would be faithful to you and cherish your love and the relationship you shared. But he’s not that person at all. He’s a man who’s prepared to risk his marriage and the life you’ve built together in order to fuck someone else, just because he can. This was 10 months, not a drunken shag, but a deliberate decision to have a secret relationship with someone else over an extended period of time. Who knows - if you confront him he may want out of the marriage even if you want to salvage something.Either way, he has broken your trust and that wlll be very hard to get back - your peace of mind will be shattered.

Sunflowergirl1 · 25/09/2022 05:24

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

I had a friend in your position. She decided to give it another go. Several years later she ended it. I had known she was struggling throughout the time to reconcile it in her mind and get over the loss of trust, but after she said when they had sex she could not get the thought out of her head of him laying inside the OW.

She is now very happily remarried and wishes she hadn't thrown those years away trying to make it work.

The husband was devastated she ended it

StarsieZ · 25/09/2022 05:46

My ex cheated when we were first married, (we were 18) we stayed married for 15 years and he cheated on me every single one of those years (found out when I finally had the courage to leave him) he's gone on to do the same with every girl he's ever been with since we got divorced, I have the most wonderful man now, complete opposite and know what it's like to be happy. Please leave him and choose you. Life is too short xx

StarsieZ · 25/09/2022 05:48

Just read you don't have children yet, we did, and that was one of the reasons I stayed, that and being 18, naive and young and he made me feel like I could do no better, my life began when I left him. Sending you lots of love xx

Theonlywayisup1 · 25/09/2022 06:42

I have come out of a 10 year relationship, one where I was cheated on years ago when he was just 22. I forgave but it was never ever the same. And he never changed. We were TTC and the idea of him was EVERYTHING I thought I ever wanted, I guess still is. But nearly 5 months on I feel completely different. Please take some time and space away, I would say at least 6 months, to see how you feel. I was a very strong, confident, glass half full type of girl, he destroyed that, and only being away from him have I started to get that back.

He is now desperate to reconcile, promising the world and everything I wanted from him.

please take 6 months away, realise it will be hard, but then see how you feel. Trust me, years of going through that was torture.

girlmom21 · 25/09/2022 07:00

OP he's been cheating for the whole time you've been TTC...

Letsbefriends · 25/09/2022 07:04

Honestly? OP it is time to have some self respect and leave. This man deceived you for 10 months. During a time when you were trying for a baby. You will never fully trust him again.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone you trust and someone who will love and cherish you. Don’t stay and sign up for a life where you live in fear and paranoia every day. This is not fair on you, and wouldn’t be fair on a child either.

I know you are devastated right now - and will be going through so many emotions, including shame and embarrassment. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. He did this, not you.

Speak to friends and family and get support from them. Go and see a divorce solicitor and start to make plans to leave - find out what you are entitled to.

Clymene · 25/09/2022 07:05

So the whole time you were trying to conceive, he was fucking another woman. And potentially getting her pregnant, not you.

Your emotional well-being is way more important than money. If you stay, he'll just do it again.

Nonametomorrow · 25/09/2022 07:17

I second that it would be a god Idea to put TTC on hold for now.
Although you say you love him, just pause. Because having a child means you are stuck with him…forever… (not necessarily as a couple, but as co parents. Which is tough)

Lex345 · 25/09/2022 07:31

Its the deceit and lying I couldn't get past. This isn't a one night stand-which bad as it is-I could possibly work past. He has lied to you for 10 months. How many times has he told you he worked late/gone out on errands/met up with friends, when actually he was meeting up with another woman? I could never trust him again.

Herejustforthisone · 25/09/2022 07:40

He’s showing no remorse. At all.

He will do it again.

Noteverybodylives · 25/09/2022 07:54

So you’re choosing money over your own self respect?
That’s sad.

Sometimes cheating can be forgiven - E.g. if it was early on in the relationship, maybe a ONS etc.

This cannot be forgiven - he went out of his way to cheat for an extended period of time when he was pretending to be in love with you whilst you were TTC.

This women won’t be the only one he’s cheated with and I’d now be suspicious of the fact that you haven’t conceived yet.

How would you feel if one of these women gets pregnant?

You’ll have to see him playing daddy with a women he cheated on you with whilst you have no baby.

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 25/09/2022 08:23

Thank you so much for the amazing advice given already! I just want to make it clear: Regarding money, I know that my wellbeing and future is way more important, I think I'm just terrified of the unknown (and potentially being completely screwed over with nothing to live on). The prospect of divorce in my late 20s (and I'm sure at any age) seems so daunting.

OP posts:
Clymene · 25/09/2022 08:26

Oh wow, you're only in your late 20s? You really have no reason to stay. You are absolutely young enough to start again, to meet a man who will cherish you and love you as you deserve to be loved. And who will be a great husband and father.

You married a duff bloke. It happens. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. The longer you stay, the more of your precious time and energy you're wasting on this lying cheating loser.

File for divorce and tell everybody why.