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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Cheated - What Should I do?

107 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 20:45

I found out today, via finding emails, that my husband cheated with another women for 10 months (ending earlier this year). He told her that he wasn't married and was telling her about their future, then ghosted her. We have been happily married for 5 years.

I've always said that, if I was cheated on, I would split, but I still love him. Has anyone been through anything similar? What did you do? Would I be hanging onto a failed marraige?

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 08:28

You didn't consent to this.

I'm sorry you have to go through this with your dirt bag husband but you need to leave.

Cheating is never okay.

2pinkginsplease · 25/09/2022 08:30

Energetictriangle123 · 25/09/2022 08:23

Thank you so much for the amazing advice given already! I just want to make it clear: Regarding money, I know that my wellbeing and future is way more important, I think I'm just terrified of the unknown (and potentially being completely screwed over with nothing to live on). The prospect of divorce in my late 20s (and I'm sure at any age) seems so daunting.

Divorce is a better option than living with a lying and cheating arsehole!

Cornflakegirll · 25/09/2022 08:40

Only in your late twenties? No children! Five years married?

Seriously get out!

Don’t waste your time trying to change this selfish, entitled, unsafe, nasty man. He will only do it again!

I know it’ll be hard, I know you’ll struggle but your future self will thank you for it!

You're worth more than this! You really are!

hugefanofcheese · 25/09/2022 08:42

Late 20s, working, no kids? I'd leave without delay.

I personally wouldn't want to tolerate cheating but I also wouldn't be on here trying to persuade someone to LTB after a one off fling after a long solid marriage if it would leave them in a really difficult position and the husband was behaving appropriately I.e. being honest and contrite. However you're so very young and have a decent income. This man hasn't had a one off drunken shag, he has treated you and the other woman appallingly for nearly a year and has continued to lie about it to your face.

He doesn't care about fidelity or see women as worthy of decent treatment. He is incredibly self centred. Good father material? Do you want to be stuck with him forever? I doubt this will be the last time he cheats. If you're not fine with that then take steps to move on. You won't come out of the marriage empty handed and are young and independent so starting again won't be a huge wrench in the scheme of things.

You mention being terrified of the unknown. What really is the unknown? Finding a flat or house share and being single for a period? Compared to the known, as above, is that really so bad? Please be assured that this is very unlikely to be an isolated 10 months of madness. He will cheat again. If you have kids it will be much harder to leave.

dontputitthere · 25/09/2022 08:44

Energetictriangle123 · 25/09/2022 08:23

Thank you so much for the amazing advice given already! I just want to make it clear: Regarding money, I know that my wellbeing and future is way more important, I think I'm just terrified of the unknown (and potentially being completely screwed over with nothing to live on). The prospect of divorce in my late 20s (and I'm sure at any age) seems so daunting.

Honestly this post gives me hope

I get it. Divorce is daunting. No one rushes into it. No one thinks it's a great thing. Of course it's shit. And I'm really sorry you're going through this.

But you're late 20s! That's amazing. You literally have your life ahead of you. I sound like an old fart but really that's nothing. You still have bags of time to carve out your wonderful life.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life for some support? Family or friends. Maybe stay with someone for a while and get some headspace.

I find it quite chilling how he has lied so casually to both of you. I feel sorry for her too as she has wasted nearly a year of her life on him and clearly didn't know he was married and trying for a family.

Just remember you deserve so much more.

J0y · 25/09/2022 08:48

If it's not bad enough that he cheated on you, he also lied to her to tell her he was single and he future faked before ghosting her. Two things come to mind, he had no qualms about raising her hopes and misleading her about being free to be in a relationship, no problem ghosting her, no problem lying to you, cheating on you.

The fact that he treated the two of you like shit makes this situation so clear. I know people are human and sometimes there is room for discussions around forgiveness, but he did this when you were happy?!!? He treated the two of you very badly when you were HAPPY

Do not let this arsehole be the father of your child.

forlornlorna1 · 25/09/2022 08:59

The thing is op you will never feel the same way about him. You may love him, but it will forever be a tainted love from now on. Every single thing that you go on to do as a couple....that niggling fear will always be there in the back of your mind. That he could do this again to you. He's done this to you in the start of your marriage really. When things are easier and you should be still in your honeymoon period. Throw in a couple of kids, financial shit and the stresses that come with time/families/work etc. do you think he'd stay committed to you and your family.
He couldn't stay committed to you when you were all he needed to focus on.

Best of luck

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 25/09/2022 09:05

I got divorced at 30, financially it was hard but 16 years later I'm absolutely where I want to be. Married, 2 DC and a life I'm very happy with.

Don't waste your 30s with someone who doesn't deserve them.

Daisycrown · 25/09/2022 09:16

Leave leave leave
Imagine if she'd fallen pregnant while you were ttc? This happened to someone I know and it was a real kick in the teeth. Or worse pregnant at the same time. That happened to me many many moons ago and it still pisses me off when I think about it.
He will not change.

CandidClarisse · 25/09/2022 09:22

This is awful, he's lied to both you and the OW. Imagine from her perspective, meeting a nice guy, thinking he's single, having a 10 month relationship with him to then be ghosted and find out he's been married all the long?

Both you and OW need to kick him to the kerb, he's played and used you both. He clearly has no respect for women at all.

Do NOT have a baby with this man!

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 25/09/2022 09:56

Your terrified of the unknown. I think you should be terrified of the known. You know he is a liar and a cheat. You known you can't trust him. You know you'll be constantly looking over your shoulder. Change is scary but not scarier IMO of a future like that. Do your self a favour and get out now. Whatever you do don't further complicate things by adding kids to the mix.

bringbackveronicamars · 25/09/2022 10:24

You're in your 20s???

OP, you have 40, 50, 60, 70 years in front of you potentially. Dump this asshole of a man and find someone worthy to spend your life with.

Musti · 25/09/2022 10:37

Op you can’t stay with this liar and cheat who messed both you and the other woman up. He lied to your face for 10 months. He will do it again. There is no reason for him to have an affair - if he was unhappy, he could have divorced you especially as there are no kids yet.

get some legal advice and see where you stand financially. But regardless, split up with him.

Stravaig · 25/09/2022 11:23

Do not get pregnant with this man.

Stravaig · 25/09/2022 11:43

my husband cheated with another women for 10 months (ending earlier this year). He told her that he wasn't married and was telling her about their future, then ghosted her. We have been happily married for 5 years.

Stop with the We. You have been happily married for 5 years - but only because essential information was being withheld from you. He has been married for 5 years, having an affair for 10 months, and lying to you every single day for the past year and a half. There is no We.

If you still feel that you love him then I'd question how healthy your concept of love is.

Practically, you need a sexual health check.
Do not get pregnant.

You are so young OP, and you have almost nothing invested in this marriage so far: a few years, no shared property, no shared kids. Get out now, and count your blessings that you still have your entire life ahead of you.

layladomino · 25/09/2022 12:36

I'm so sorry he's putting you throught this, Op. But please don't stick around with a man who is happy to (and convincingly) lie to you for 10 months, while lying to another woman and pretending to her you don't exist.

This would be bad enough to leave if he did it after you'd been married for decades and were going throug a tough patch, BUT you've only been married 5 years and were TTC - so even when you thought your marriage was happy and solid, he was lying and cheating and putting your health at risk.

How could you ever trust him again? Once you have children life can get a lot more stressful, especially in the earlier years. You might go through other trials like ill health, bereavement, money worries, job worries.... how much could you rely on him in those times? You would spend the rest of your life wondering where he was and what lies he was telling you.

You are still very young with most of your life well ahead of you. As you don't have children it will be much easier to separate and never have to see him again. If you haven't been put off relationships for life (!) you will be free to meet a decent man, one who you can trust and who wants only you.

This one doesn't deserve you. He didn't commit a one-off mistake (bad enough) - he chose to deceive you every day for 10 months. He even continued to lie when you found out. He would still be lying now if you hadn't found stuff out from the OW. You clearly can't trust him and he isn't remoreseful.

Googlecanthelpme · 25/09/2022 12:56

OP I was in your exact situation in my early 30s, husband cheating for about 6 months before I found out.
Wed been trying to conceive as well.

There was no way I could have gotten past it, I am just not the person who could accept that level of disrespect and deceit. I forgave him as a person as he was clearly distraught at losing our relationship (weirdly as he’d been the one to cause the problem) but I couldn’t forgive him enough to want to be in a a relationship with him anymore. The thought of kissing him or having sex with him made me feel physically ill. I literally had the ick from the moment I found out. He became this sad little pathetic loser being led by his penis and the thought of ever being intimate with him again turned my stomach!

I ended the relationship but we didn’t divorce immediately, I left it a couple of years and just focused on my career and dating and having fun. Within 5 years I’d met my now DH and we have 2 kids and absolutely adore our lives together.

My ex is still fairly unhappy in himself, hasn’t dealt with his shit, still feels the victim in the situation and hasn’t gone on to have kids or a family. I feel a bit sorry for him but you reap what you sow…

Youre young, whole life ahead of you, no children to bind you. I know it feels super scary but not many relationships would survive this level of betrayal - and for good reason. It’s the height of disrespect and disloyalty. Trying to love someone after this is really hard if not impossible.

Take some time apart, don’t be forced to make a decision to make him feel better. You can always make more money and recover financially, you can never get back time you spend being unhappy and resentful!

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 25/09/2022 19:29

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented and provided advice! You have helped me realise that my husband will never change, especially as I've discovered many more lies and much more deceit through the OW (who has been amazing!). Consequently, I have returned to my home town to get away and consider what my next steps are. Thank you!

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 25/09/2022 19:35

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I know it doesn't seem that way now, but in time I hope you'll realise this was a blessing, not the curse I'm sure it appears at the moment.

All the very best to you, and an un-mumsnetty hug x

Didsomeonesaydogs · 26/09/2022 06:43

They do not change.

My husband had an affair and basically lied to my face every day for 4 years. I had no idea. I always thought he would never do that to me but as others have said the level of disrespect and deceit is something you can’t get past and once that trust is gone, you would forever be playing marriage police if you stayed and he would just get better at covering it up.

Cheating comes from a place of entitlement. Once they construct a narrative that justifies it to themselves there’s no stopping it. Apparently, part of my error was having a different “love language” from my husband (wtf?). The first I heard of the love languages book was on the day he told me about the affair, so this isn’t something he ever gave me the opportunity to work on together with him. Honestly, the mental gymnastics they perform in order to make having an affair the only option are wild.

Anyway, please check out “leave a cheater, gain a life” she has a website and a book - this explains it all far better than I can. I would also recommend the book “cheating in a nutshell” which explains the traumatic effects that cheating has on the betrayed, and will help you understand why you feel the way you do.

I’m sorry you are going through this - better to know before you are tied to him forever with kids though.

Clymene · 26/09/2022 06:44

Energetictriangle123 · 25/09/2022 19:29

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented and provided advice! You have helped me realise that my husband will never change, especially as I've discovered many more lies and much more deceit through the OW (who has been amazing!). Consequently, I have returned to my home town to get away and consider what my next steps are. Thank you!

Good luck Flowers

Joshanddonna · 26/09/2022 06:47

You’re very young and you deserve to be happy. He is a manipulative liar. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Ithurtbad · 26/09/2022 07:10

So sorry you must be in bits.

Please speak to a counsellor and rebuild yourself again.

You were TTC that's what makes it worse. Do you think this why he cheated? Not condoning it but strain on you and him must of been hard. But he doesn't care what he done so glad you left.

itsaich · 26/09/2022 08:52

Energetictriangle123 · 24/09/2022 21:10

I potentially have a lot to loose financially. We don't have kids, but we've been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I'm so stuck and don't know what to do!

This is a relief to hear that you don't have children. Get out right now and start over, seriously. Under no circumstances have children with this man. That would be a grave mistake.

Your love for him will turn to anger. Get out, a lot to lose financially? So what? I left my ex to absolutely nothing and am so much happier today, married to a wonderful man.

Use benefits, get a council home, whatever but don't stay with this liar. You are so lucky you have no children yet.

Original poster
Energetictriangle123 · 22/09/2024 21:21

2 years on and I'm looking back at this thread. I wanted to post an update in case anyone else in a similar situation finds it helpful:

I did choose to divorce my (now-ex) husband as his deception - including his behaviour towards the OW - was littered with red flags. Additionally, further information arose about predatory behaviour towards young adult women - How on earth did I marry such a creep!?

I lived in the same house with him for 5 months following the discovery of his affair, to allow enough time to find housing. I moved in the February and the divorce was finalised in the July; and I wasn't screwed over as much as I feared.

Since then, I have run a marathon (mid-life crisis hey!), travelled and now have a job offer to pursue my dream career - These things wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't taken the leap.

It certainly hasn't been an easy ride - I still have a great deal to process mentally - but taking ownership of my life has shown me that I'm much stronger than I could have ever imagined!

I can't thank you all enough for your honest advice. I understand that being in my late 20s and childless made it easier for me to leave, but I want to give hope to anyone who's unfortunately going through a similar situation.

P.S. 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' is a must-read! (thanks for the recommendation!)

OP posts: