He doesn’t want me on mortgage/deeds

[Josephina14]

Hi there,

I need some advice please.

Partner and I have been together 3 years and have a daughter together. We are in the position of going forward with a shared ownership home.
Partner has told me he doesn’t want me to be on the mortgage or deeds.
I have worked up until recently as have been in sick leave and it’s the first time I have ever asked for financial support as I didn’t realise sick pay was so low. The first year of is being together he didn’t pay any rent or help with bills but did pay his mother rent for a bed sit in her house that he wasn’t using.
From my view I see us buying a house as moving forward together and as a family. That even though I am currently in sick it is only temporary and I will be working full time again soon.
He is using his savings for the house deposit and I have even agreed if anything did go south with us later down the line then he should have that money returned as it is only fair. Only for him to say that if any improvements were made on the house he would be entitled to any profits from that too.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
I understand people have different arrangements etc but i thought we were in it together and moving forward as a family not separate people with what’s owed at the end of the relationship breakdown in the future or am I being stupid for not thinking far ahead of just incases?
we are currently renting and it’s just me on the tenancy.

thoughts please x

Yes you are flogging a dead horse. If you go ahead with this then you have no housing security. Unlike a tenant or a lodger he can ask you to leave with no notice whatsoever and you will have to comply.

What you have offered is more than fair.

He does not have your best interests at heart. Put yourself first. Only make decisions that do not put you in a precarious position.

I would only live in the shared ownership home with him if he pays all rent, you split all other expenses on a proportion of income basis and all chores and childcare are shared equally. Then save your spare income so you can buy your own place.

You shouldn't go ahead with the purchase under these terms, you are unmarried and could lose everything you contribute to the house.

Do not contribute to buying a house unless you will be on the deeds.

I wouldn't move in with him either.

I'm sorry but this sounds like a dead relationship.

This is only a vaguely reasonable ask if you are contributing zero to purchase, mortgage, and bills....and he owes you money from when you paid the rent and bills.

generally, it sounds terrible. He's suggesting he buy a house, which is fine, but why pretend it's buying together?

That would have me running for the hills and thinking he didn't view our relationship as permanent. Has he not proposed either? You will be in a very precarious position if he gets his way.

You are his child's mother! He sounds dreadful!

There's ways to do this. Tenants in common. I own 84% of our house and my partner the rest. It reflects what we put in when we moved into gather. That way he can protect his deposit.

If he won't go there then neither should you.

He has no plans to share his life in a meaningful way. You are useful as childcare for his child but he doesn't view you as his equal in this relationship.

I agree I have to think of being secure as I have 2 daughters to think of. I am currently renting a housing association home and have a secure/lifetime tenancy.
Have always struggled regarding bills as he earns 3x more than me a month but everything has to be spilt equally. I have also spent weeks asking for money each month to go in my bank for bills as he never set up a standing order. Recently he does pay all the childcare for youngest and food shopping (every couple of weeks). I have always struggled each month to even afford a haircut and he can blow £1000 in a few days and just say it’s his money. Which I do understand I just wouldn’t be so strict if things were the other way round.
After this evenings comments I have reflected and really question if there is a future for us at all as he made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be on the mortgage because he’s putting his savings in.

If you love him, you could agree that the deposit amount he pays would be deducted from the sale of the house then the rest would be split fifty fifty. It could be that he has experienced, or his father perhaps, a bad outcome from shared finances in the past.

Sorry, you already offered to return his deposit if you split.

Please, please, please don't give up the tenancy for this person. You will never get it back.

Stay where you are, let him buy his home for himself.

You must think sensibly. Your update is very concerning. He is not reliable and not to be trusted.

God I wouldn’t move in with him - you aren’t married so you could be left with nothing.

There’s a saying that when people show you who they are - believe them. He doesn’t see you as a life partner and he’s happy to shaft you financially.

Apart from the house itself, he sounds like a miser

Yes I did. I offered to sign a legal agreement so that was not a concern for him as he has worked hard for many years to save a substantial amount. His father died when he was 14 so I don’t think it’s anything to do with that.

It doesn't matter how much you love someone, giving up a secure tenancy to move in with someone completely unreliable is extremely risky.

If he has trust issues, all the more reason to AVOID.

I would not move in with him or give up the tenancy. As awful as it sounds you seem like a will do for the moment partner. Was your joint child planned ?

Hi, the answer here is staring you in the face, you know it and so do I. However hurtful and difficult this is to realise you are with a very selfish man, concerned only with his own financial future.

Do NOT move out of your housing association home. Ask him to move out and pay child support for his child, I suspect he would be paying almost as much in child support as he is contributed now, and you would possibly get UC as well if your wage is low enough. You're probably financially worse off due to him living with you.

But, I would wait to kick him out until you are off sickness and back to working..... use him as much as he used you....

Just read your update

Do not give you tenancy - you’ll never get if back. Right now you have a secure home for your children, if you move into someone else’s house as you are proposing, your children will have no security.

Good people don’t treat their partners as you describe him treating you. Step back a minute - he is your partner for life and he will see you with no money for bills or a haircut and yet he’ll blow £1000 quid on whatever?

I am sorry to say this OP but this man doesn’t love you - you are there to provide sex, housekeeping and childcare.

He is an arsehole. Please dump.

If you already share a child and have already been effectively living together, then his savings were not built by himself. I wouldn’t even agree to ring-fencing his deposit.

Financially worse off because we don’t get any help apart from the £2 top up on childcare. I am currently in the red for the first time in years and using credit card to pay for my mobile bill and dental plan and even to pick up milk etc from the shop. He knows this too and has complained about paying childcare fees this month when I’m not in need of it atm but I have said we will lose her place if we take her out and then who will look after her when I’m at work.
Could really do with some uplifting comments from those who manage solely on their own without a partner as I am really concerned how I will cope mentally and the impact on my girls. One is 10 and the other is 1.

This
are you paying rent now? I'm confused.

Definitely do not leave your secure tenancy to move into a house you won't own! He could make you homeless at any moment. As you are not married, you would be foolish to put yourself and your children in such a vulnerable position. Is the reason he doesn't want you on the mortgage because you aren't working? If so, then stay where you are until you are working again. If he's going to be a dick about everything then there is no future really. Kick him out and get CM from him.

Please do not give up your tenancy! Let him move into the house on his own, see what help you are entitled to with universal credit, your council tax will come down, food bill, etc. Also make a claim for cms. Work out a plan for shared care and on his days he is responsible for his own childcare costs.