He doesn’t want me on mortgage/deeds

[Josephina14]

Hi there,

I need some advice please.

Partner and I have been together 3 years and have a daughter together. We are in the position of going forward with a shared ownership home.
Partner has told me he doesn’t want me to be on the mortgage or deeds.
I have worked up until recently as have been in sick leave and it’s the first time I have ever asked for financial support as I didn’t realise sick pay was so low. The first year of is being together he didn’t pay any rent or help with bills but did pay his mother rent for a bed sit in her house that he wasn’t using.
From my view I see us buying a house as moving forward together and as a family. That even though I am currently in sick it is only temporary and I will be working full time again soon.
He is using his savings for the house deposit and I have even agreed if anything did go south with us later down the line then he should have that money returned as it is only fair. Only for him to say that if any improvements were made on the house he would be entitled to any profits from that too.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
I understand people have different arrangements etc but i thought we were in it together and moving forward as a family not separate people with what’s owed at the end of the relationship breakdown in the future or am I being stupid for not thinking far ahead of just incases?
we are currently renting and it’s just me on the tenancy.

thoughts please x

He is financially abusive. Let him move out and stay where you are. You'll be financially better off without him. You'll get Universal Credit and child maintenance.

I'd stay where you are. You and the children need that security. You'll struggle to get one again. He could kick you out, couples break up all of the time.

Disregarding the mortgage situation, the mother of his child cannot afford food and he’s blowing 1000’s because it’s his own money , and you’re still considering moving in with him??? girl , run , as fast as you can, he’s an idiot and he he will make your life hell

There are a number of issues red flags for me:

• you are not on the same page re: your future.
• he is happy to see you with less / nothing. You should be proportionately splitting the bills. Does he do 50% of the unpaid labour?
• you will have no security moving forward and will essentially be living and contributing to someone else’s home.

I wouldn’t plan to move forward with someone unless I could resolve these. And tbh I’m not sure I’d want to resolve these if someone was being like that in the first place as it says a lot about who they are.

You could set up a deed of trust to protect his deposit which I think is reasonable.

Sensible comments. The HA tenancy sounds your best option - you and your daughters have a secure home. You'd be mad to move to "his" place. He could kick you out in a second. And even if you were to own a place with him he can still force a sale - which would mean that unless you got enough out of it to buy on your own you'd be back to square one.

I don't understand how you have got in this position in this day and age?

You are the role model of 2 young females so how you are treated and expect to be treated will be very influential.

To put it bluntly, there is always, or should be, give and take transactionally if there is no marriage contract which basically is a financial as well as a security blanket for the woman if she does the 'unpaid' part of a domestic set up.

Do you do his laundry for free? His cooking for free? Home maintenance for free? Bulk of childcare? Gardening?

These all add up and no woman should 'volunteer' these services for free if there is nothing financial/ life security for herself and her children in kind offered from their partner.

You never should have allowed him to use you and use your services for free like this as it has just enabled him to abuse your love for him, it's all take take take from him. He gets all the benefits of a cushy and comfortable married life without having to provide you and your DC any of the financial cost to him.

He knows exactly what he is doing and you have been happy to be the mug.

No man would ever put himself in such a vulnerable situation for 'love' where they ' volunteer' all their services for free with no financial benefit and security in return.

Luckily you have the chance to open your eyes to this one sided, horrifically financially and emotionally abusive scam of a relationship that just benefits him and you have the chance to role model to your girls that men cannot behave like that and call it love.

This is no demonstration of a loving domestic relationship and family set up and as such is a toxic environment to being up your girls.

You're in a good position to start afresh by dumping him and claiming child maintenance. A property can be purchased as tenants in common with both of you on the deeds. A solicitor can draw up docs to ring fence the deposit. The fact that your 'partner' hasn't considered option this speaks volumes. Get rid of him asap.

Next time, please don't have a child with a man before marriage to avoid this from happening again.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Bring up*

You'd be mad to leave your secure tenancy for someone who is draining your money to enable him to spend all his on himself. Selfish greedy arsehole. Your children should come first and if you leave your secure housing to move in with him and WHEN (not if) this relationship breaks down you and your children will be out on your ears.

Good grief, I have heard several horror stories of financially controlling partners but this one is atrocious. Here’s my first ever LTB. You’ll be much happier on your own with your children. Good luck 💐

Oh - and I did it on my own. I lived in my own place, paid my own bills, worked flexible hours and did side jobs in the evenings. Got myself a Saturday job, took a lodger at one point, did an Open University degree - and it was NOT easy. But it can be done. (And my kids were fine). You've got a job - you'll be fine.

I agree with Butterflywings
Yet another example of why you should get married before having children.
He doesn’t sound very pleasant at all.

You're flogging a dead horse.

This is a massive red flag. Don't give up your current home for him.

Stay where you are and get more help through benefits and then go back to work when you can.

You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position if you move in with him under these conditions.

He is selfish and only thinking of himself in all of this. Your current arrangements aren't fair. You are a family, and household income is jointly yours. You looked after him financially for a year and yet as soon as he's earning again, he says all the money he earns is his own. It's more normal (IME) for couples to contribute relative to what they earn. So in my case, DH earns more than me, but after the bills are paid etc, we each get the same amount of 'spending money' each month.

You have presumably taken time out of work or reduced hours to look after your (yours and his) child... why does he think you should take all the financial hit of having a child that is equally his?

This is financial abuse and a man who is happy to watch you struggle financially while he spends what he wants, and doesn't care for your future and security.

Please don't give up your secure tenancy. Even aside from the security, he isn't a good partner and doesn't deserve you. You would be better off financially and emotionally if you left him.

What Butterflywing wrote earlier.

Do not give up your secure tenancy!. I hope your child by him has your surname too rather than his.

You have been and are flogging a dead horse with this selfish financially abusive man. He has no respect or love for you whatsoever. Be on your own with your daughters and teach them better lessons than the ones you’ve shown them to date about relationships. Look at the Freedom Programme too and enrol yourself onto it.

This! You enabled him to build his savings.

Absolutely do not give up your secure tenancy for this man. I was going to urge you to bin him off even before I saw that you have a HA property but even more so now.

Unless you are able to easily afford to own a property with you on the deeds and mortgage, you don't need to give this up.

He doesn't have your best interests at heart and you could end up in a really precarious position if you go ahead with this purchase.

Have a look at some benefit and CMS calculators and work out what your financial situation will look like as a single parent.

Don't please give up a secure tenancy to be at the mercy of someone who resents paying childcare costs for his own baby. Honestly OP, this has recipe for disaster written all over it, he has already shown you his true colours. Don't ignore that he doesn't actually see you as a partner. When it suits him, you will be disposable (and homeless)

LTB

You are not buying a house together, he is buying a house and letting you live there, for now.

Please don't proceed. You're either on the deeds and the mortgage or you don't go ahead. I think his approach says a lot about how much he thinks of you.

OP
He said that any improvements to the house would be for his gain too. Does that mean that any contribution you make would be considered valueless? So if you keep it clean, decorate, etc which contributes to its worth- that goes in his pocket too?

I've got this far and I can answer this one op.

I love it! I love the freedom. I love not ever having arguments, bitterness or negativity ever in our house. I love not seeing his shoes in a mess everywhere. I could go on and on.

My girls are fine. Thriving. And, they are seeing that women can do it in their own. I have my own business now. They understand completely that being single is far better than being in a miserable relationship. They have seen that I count too, as they will when (if) they're mothers.

Please don't give up your tenancy. Stay with him if you like, but he buys his house, lives there and pays you maintenance.

You could easily end up homeless with your children if you agree to his plan op.
Seriously don’t do it.
He has been building a nice little nest egg for himself for the last few years whilst you have been providing everything for him, including a child. it is shocking to read how badly he is openly abusing you, and now he is going to get you exactly where he wants you: paying his mortgage whilst raising his child and cleaning his new home - and when he has had enough he can throw you out on the streets and you won’t have a leg to stand on.

You can now see exactly what he is.
A greedy, selfish grasping man that feels no love for you - or the children and is happy to abuse you all, he is going to get his new house and you will won’t see a penny of the money you contribute, not to mention the equity. He has this all planned out.

The milk says it all.
Put in a claim for child maintenance today and call citizens advice for financial help. He would be finished today.

Stay in your property, and claim CMS.
You and your children will be fine.

Please don't give up your tenancy. You will lose all security.