He doesn’t want me on mortgage/deeds

[Josephina14]

Hi there,

I need some advice please.

Partner and I have been together 3 years and have a daughter together. We are in the position of going forward with a shared ownership home.
Partner has told me he doesn’t want me to be on the mortgage or deeds.
I have worked up until recently as have been in sick leave and it’s the first time I have ever asked for financial support as I didn’t realise sick pay was so low. The first year of is being together he didn’t pay any rent or help with bills but did pay his mother rent for a bed sit in her house that he wasn’t using.
From my view I see us buying a house as moving forward together and as a family. That even though I am currently in sick it is only temporary and I will be working full time again soon.
He is using his savings for the house deposit and I have even agreed if anything did go south with us later down the line then he should have that money returned as it is only fair. Only for him to say that if any improvements were made on the house he would be entitled to any profits from that too.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
I understand people have different arrangements etc but i thought we were in it together and moving forward as a family not separate people with what’s owed at the end of the relationship breakdown in the future or am I being stupid for not thinking far ahead of just incases?
we are currently renting and it’s just me on the tenancy.

thoughts please x

It would be the biggest mistake of your life to give up your secured tenancy to move to an unsecured home which is what you would have with him. If you are not on the deeds/mortgage and you are not married you have nothing if the relationship ended.

He is not being very loving to either you or his daughter.

He should not be ok with you struggling for money when he has plenty.

He should be understanding that you are unwell at the moment and he isnt is he?

It is not fair to split the bills equally when your salaries are unequal.

I think you should get rid of this man he’s going make you miserable. I think it would be much easier continuing to live on your own.

I suspect also he may be a man who expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning etc in the house as well and won’t support you in that aspect either.

So to reiterate I think moving in with him will be the biggest mistake of your life. Sorry to sound harsh!

This is awful considering you have a child together and I would consider very very carefully if you want to give up your lifetime tenancy.

What you could suggest (I’m no legal expert though so probably worth getting one hour legal advice) is to get a tenancy in common. That specifies the share you each own. Then you complete a deed of trust saying how you’d divide it up if you sold or split. This protects your partner’s deposit while protecting you for any money you pay towards the mortgage or home improvements.

This is what me and my DH did when we bought our first property as we were unmarried and he put less deposit in than me. We said that I had my proportion of the original share of deposit, he had his original share, then any extra we paid off of the mortgage we would split 50/50.

This is why it’s sensible to get married before you have children, then you’d be legally entitled to a share of the house if you ever split up.

Have you sat down with him and said “look, we’re committed to each other, we love each other, we have a child together, you’re probably going to earn more than me forever, how can we make sure that I don’t have to worry about money and that we both benefit from the contributions we both make?” I think a lot of couples get stuck in ad hoc financial arrangements that worked when they first got together that really really don’t work when you’re planning on being together forever, have a child together etc. Like he’s paying childcare right now which presumably is quite a lot, but what happens when your child goes to school? Does he carry on paying that into a pot for her or does he just save it for himself?

You would be crazy to give up your secure lifetime tenancy and he would be crazy to put someone on the deeds of his house when they are not contributing anything to it financially.

Actually I lived on my own with our DS and then moved in with my DP. I have to be honest and say it was easier before when I lived alone with DS . Whilst financially now its easier, I have so much more housework left to me always etc and often think things were easier before….

Stop pandering to this absolute arsehole. You’re not his meal ticket.

keep your tenancy . DO NOT move into an insecure tenancy situation with 3 children.

So he amassed a nice little nest egg of savings whilst living with you for free because you were subsidising him?

Lucky old him.

@Josephina14 I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

These situations can occur for a number of reasons, some from how we see our own parents’ setup, others from being worn down in an emotional divisive way.

When you discuss this, does he become verbally abusive?

And just out of interest, does your daughter have his surname or yours?

I would stay where you are and be far less available for this man child unless it’s 50:50 on the deeds.

You are the mother of a shared child.

This sort of selfish behaviour is libido shrivelling for a woman. It’s demeaning and unloving.

Begin putting yourself in lots of social situations and having some fun. He can wonder what you’re doing, and with whom!

If he doesn’t care, well then, you keep socialising and you meet someone much kinder.

When you met him, was he stingy on paying for dates?

My partner and I are both on the deeds even though he put down a hefty deposit vs me. We contributed equally to the bills and mortgage until I went on maternity leave.
We had a declaration of trust drawn up regarding the deposit amounts should things go wrong, that was fair. We also have wills that state what will happen to our shares of the house should something terrible happen I.e. my deposit and my money from the house would be for my children. It would be worth investigating a declaration of trust for his deposit but you must go on the deeds to the house especially if not married. We are not married and I feel financially vulnerable even though I would get some money from the house sale.

You will lose everything.
You MUST put you and DD first. You can do this alone.
I split from exdh and can only afford a help2buy house as I have TINY savings. I have a DP who is more than willing to contribute. I trust him with my life but I'm still going to do this alone. House in my name. My money. DD needs security.
If DP and I were looking to buy together I'd be VERY concerned if he refused to have my name on the mortgage/deeds.
Your partner sounds like he's making a financial investment for himself rather than buying a family home.

Oh, OP :( You're already doing it all yourself. If you were single you'd have such a better life and your girls would see it on you - don't underestimate the impact of them seeing you dump a tight, selfish man! That's amazing for their self esteem and confidence to know if something isn't working, they change it, rather than plod on. It will be difficult at first but it'll be ebbs and flows, your bond with your girls will only grow stronger. Yes there will be some tears and arguments but at least it'll be you three together not you three plus one man who is half in half out and won't hesitate to leave you high and dry with no financial assets.

Cmon, you're in debt partly due to him and your father of your child isn't helping you with that, he blows all his own money and begrudges paying childcare.. This wouldn't be the case if you were single xx

He blows £1000 in a few days, you are in the red and can't afford a haircut, but because it's his money you Understand?! Do you Understand committed relationships? Love? Are you separated already? The only thing to understand is that he is already (and always has since the start, when he paid mum rent but not you- sponger) puts Himself first. He has pathetically played you all along. Used your home and income, to launch his own financial security. Literally trampled you into the red financially to set himself up for home ownership. Seriously you need to get angry, find some self respect and demand more of this partner/acting like an ex. He has used you. And will continue to. Does he want you to move into his home? As a wife and equal owner? Or as a Housekeeper, cook, cleaner and childcare, expected to contribute half to bills (yippee for him, you paying off his mortgage!) and get yourself back to work as he is the earner as so commands all the rest, fun, money and downtime.

Have you daughters? You need to step up your adulting for them. You have taught them to allow a man to use them and give them no respect. Teach them now, how awesome a single mother can be. How hard working and decent, with self-respect.

Ask him to leave, he pays you CMS and you claim benefits and will be better off.

He is so miserly!!!

💕

I wouldn't move in with him. Don't give up your own home.

If he's living with you now everything should be split pro rata and if not that's not fair.

Yeah he sounds like a stingy bastard. I could never blow a grand whilst my partner couldn’t get milk without using a credit card. That’s not love. He’s selfish. Op you’ll be better without him, of course you will. Keep posting here as everyone can give you support.

No , no and no . Do not give up your home for him . If you do , you and your dds are effectively only living there at his whim . Piss him off and he could ask you to go and you would be homeless . Repeat homeless , with your children .
He does not sound like a nice man . Do you really want to have to go through life with a man who will happily spend what he wants on himself whilst you go into the red to buy milk ?

@Keroppi Yes, daughters who witness mothers who won’t tolerate servitude behaviour from the father, do learn to be resilient and have agency.

Feeling stuck with a sense of hopelessness will be a grim way to live for you and them.

I have seen single mothers bring up brilliantly, motivated daughters. Single parent households where the daughter goes further than her counterpart in a two parent family because she knows the onus is on her to succeed and there will be no financial backing or cushion. Bleaker in some ways but the end result is contented independence.

OP I was a single parent for many years. It can be hard and lonely at times but honestly it’s a better option than what your DP is currently offering you.
Financially you would be fine on your own. I managed on my single salary and benefit top ups, despite having a mortgage so not being entitled to housing benefit (rent being paid).

When I got in a relationship again and later got married I went working part time, despite him only having to pay the same as before, he would complain about how much the food shopping cost (that was something he had to cover more because I couldn’t afford it working PT). He always had plenty of money for the things he wanted to spend on though, not to say he was throwing thousands around like your DP, but he certainly didn’t act skint in other areas of his life.
It really annoyed me as I’d let him live with me rent/bill free in the early days too.
I decided to get another job so I didn’t have to rely on him, which isn’t really how it should be when I’d supported him. It helped a lot though as the pressure lifted from me.

Do what you feel is best for you and your children, and don’t put yourself in a vulnerable situation

I'm not on the mortgage or deeds. I was told because I have no income it wouldn't be worth it.

Whoever advised you advised you incorrectly.

Also:

1. Are you married to the person on the deeds? This makes a big difference - the OP is not married to their DP
2. Did you give up a secure lifetime tenancy to move into the new house? The OP is going to make their housing situation less secure which is dangerous

If he is mean with money - and he is very, VERY mean - he will also be mean in all other ways.

Everything in your relationship will be a transaction, one where he intends to get his fair share at the very least, and if he is also an arsehole (which it seems he is) then he will actually make sure he gets the better deal at your expense. Every. Time. With. Everything. That will include sex, food, holidays, chores, time spent together, even what you agree to watch on telly.

OP, you will already have experienced this. You will have been trying to justify his position, trying to make it alright and put the best light on it, that he loves you really. He doesn't - you will always come second to the bottom line on his inner spreadsheet.

Walk away now. This is a man who is utterly damaged beyond repair. Do not bother reasoning with him about this or trying to make him see he is being unfair. Meanness like this goes through someone like letters through a stick of rock - there is no slice that is unaffected. It is in everything.

My poor sister had a partner like yours. He was a high earner and she had a good job too when they met. But he wanted to buy a house and not put her on the deeds etc. she always had to pay half even when she was on maternity leave after going through gruelling ivf for absolutely years. It left her skint. His money was his money.

A few years back she suffered an injury that's left her disabled. And he told her she'd have to leave if she wasn't contributing financially to the home!!!!. And there was nothing she could do after 25 years together.

These kind of men do not change!

@Tootels This seems sadly prevalent. I was once told the same. It’s untrue.

See if you can pay for your own advice. Solicitors can draw up documents revoking what has gone before if your partner wants to sign it.

If they don’t, or won’t, you have your answer.

It would be helpful for posters to list the banks who have no problem doing this.

@forlornlorna1 What a rotter.

Aaaaarrrgghh!

I think he is being a CF frankly! Look if you give up your tenancy ATM ,you would be totally stuffed if this RL ends.The present govt are not exactly helpful to those on low incomes .Please have a full and frank discussion with DP ,tell him your concerns .However he doesnt seem committed to you or the girls .He seems tight and unhelpful