He doesn’t want me on mortgage/deeds

[Josephina14]

Hi there,

I need some advice please.

Partner and I have been together 3 years and have a daughter together. We are in the position of going forward with a shared ownership home.
Partner has told me he doesn’t want me to be on the mortgage or deeds.
I have worked up until recently as have been in sick leave and it’s the first time I have ever asked for financial support as I didn’t realise sick pay was so low. The first year of is being together he didn’t pay any rent or help with bills but did pay his mother rent for a bed sit in her house that he wasn’t using.
From my view I see us buying a house as moving forward together and as a family. That even though I am currently in sick it is only temporary and I will be working full time again soon.
He is using his savings for the house deposit and I have even agreed if anything did go south with us later down the line then he should have that money returned as it is only fair. Only for him to say that if any improvements were made on the house he would be entitled to any profits from that too.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
I understand people have different arrangements etc but i thought we were in it together and moving forward as a family not separate people with what’s owed at the end of the relationship breakdown in the future or am I being stupid for not thinking far ahead of just incases?
we are currently renting and it’s just me on the tenancy.

thoughts please x

The first year of is being together he didn’t pay any rent or help with bills

Have always struggled regarding bills as he earns 3x more than me a month but everything has to be spilt equally

So first year he paid nothing and since has expected you to contribute equally despite him having 3x more income?

He sounds awful! Please don't give up your tenancy. He's been taking the piss but if you move into his house it would be far worse, he could boot you and the children out at any time.

Think of what's best for yourself and the children, not him.

After reading your update do not move.
He is financially abusive as well as supremely selfish. . Would you let a friend go into debt for milk??! I wouldn’t, let alone the person I was supposedly building a life with.

Claim Cms and any benefits you are entitled to. You may be entitled to heavily discounted childcare as a single parent. Go and see CAB for budgeting advice.

You would be crazy to give up a secure home for you and your children and risk living with someone who has such a completely different attitude to financial, parental and moral responsibility. Continue the relationship if it makes you happy in other ways but KEEP THE TENANCY..

This. He doesn’t care about you or your children. It sounds as if only one is his maybe? He is financially abusive.

I don’t have personal experience of being a single mum. My dd has a friend, whose parents split. She is doing really well and found herself a good part time job having been a sahm until that point. She also split from her first partner with her first child meaning she actually did it twice and has come out of it happy.

I imagine you’re pretty young. You have many years ahead, so choose the path of financial security and self care.

And about managing as a single parent. Yes, it can be a lonely road, especially in the evenings when the kids are in bed and holidays when every other bloody family you see has a pair of adults. But , even though you sometimes think you will scream if you have to make one more decision on your own, they are your decisions, you don’t have to waste energy on trying to persuade someone else to see your point of view. And your oldest child is ten, she will have been picking up on the tension around money and the new house, it will be a better atmosphere for her if she doesn’t have to listen to constant reiterations.about who has paid for what, who is responsible for what……

You are in a stronger position than many of the women who post on here, you have a secure home, you have a job. If it’s the choice you decide on then you will cope and you will be fine.

Please don’t give up your tenancy - you are in a much better position to get by as a single mum with affordable, consistent housing than you will be if you move into a house he buys and the relationship goes tits up.

Being a lone parent, even solely on out of work benefits, is doable as long as your housing costs are reasonable. If yoU end up in a private rental in a years time because this tight fisted man baby has kicked you and the kids out it will be really tough (and if you end up in temporary emergency accommodation it will be shit for the older kids and he’ll have way too much leverage on contact time with the youngest (because he’ll be the one with family housing).

Don’t give up that tenancy unless you are in the position to buy in your own name.

you’ll cope fine without him, millions of us women have managed without men in the house, you are just as capable as anyone else, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

send him back to his mum’s basement bedsit, claim universal credit as a single parent, and calculate how much child maintenance he’ll owe you. Guarantee you’ll have more room in your own budget than he’s leaving you with right now.

Mentally you will cope much better than now without this awful man

dont give up your secure tenancy - thst is like gold!

will you get right to buy with it?

honestly op you really don’t need this man. Get him to move out and pay maintenance and move forward with a lovey life with your daughter

I am currently renting a housing association home and have a secure/lifetime tenancy.

Are you mad? Don't even consider giving this up to live with no security in his home. A home he can throw you out of any time he wants after having the benefit of you minding his child, cleaning his home, contributing to his bills - while his equity in his house builds up.

Just don't do this. You have children. Look out for their and your future and security. I know you are scared now but imagine how scared you will be when your relationship breaks down and he is telling you to get out of HIS house and you and your 2 girls could be homeless.

Please don't do this.

Thank goodness you found out what he really thinks of you. Don't give up your secure tenancy and children's security for this horrible man. You could move in together then he could kick you out without a roof over your children's heads. You have to think of them. I would wait until you are working again then ask him to leave. Let him buy house alone. He is just using you to pay half of mortgage and sex yet house will be all his. He is financially abusive. I'd ask him to leave then ask for child maintenance for youngest child. You might get UC and would get 25 percent discount on council tax. Sounds like you have been a single Mum before so you know you can do it.

Hi op look up entitled to - they pay child tax credits - it’s a benefit website - HE will need to pay maintenance too which is extra. He’s a miser and you are already being financially abused by him. I wonder if he was paying his mother money for a bed sit!!! Nether the less - I’d let him go - really - it’s not going to work.

More red flags here than a communist youth convention

Also, when someone shows you who they are.... believe them!

He probably doesnt want you to be able to stay with the daughter that isnt his in his home when you two eventually break up.

Does he have other kids too

IMO he can't have it both ways. You're either in it together or he is the sole owner. If he chooses the latter....all bills relating to the house and its upkeep are his. He'll be building equity and you'll be saving your money for the eventual breakup he's apparently preparing for. If never split bills with someone who didn't consider me a partner.

God he sounds awful. Agree with every other poster who says to keep your secure tenancy and dump him. Imagine letting your partner get into debt over milk?? He’s a complete wanker and treats you appallingly. You will be a million times better off without him in your life.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR TENANCY.

Stay put, boot him out, claim CMS.

Agree with PP and it’s really shocking that he makes you split everything equally when he earns so much more than you do so that you have to go without basics and get into debt while he splashes out. You’re not a team. And why are the childcare costs your responsibility? Keep your tenancy. Stay where you are. Be prepared for this relationship to end.

Do not move and bin him.

lots of advice on this thread on the specific issues of not being named on the mortgage

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4638049-to-be-on-the-deeds-of-the-house?page=13&reply=120192046

Me and my DH were really similar OP, he earnt more than 3x as much as me and was really comfortable. I earnt a good salary (well above average) but nothing like him. Right at the beginning he wanted to go halves on everything and I said that’s fine, but I’m not struggling to keep up - you’ll have to live more modestly. I had a comfortable life but clearly couldn’t live as well as him.

When I had children I made it clear I wasn’t going PT and taking maternity if our finances weren’t pooled. I didn’t want to be “asking him for money” imo he needed to support me too. At that stage we pooled our finances and although I recognise he’s made a more significant contribution, and continues to, I don’t feel I’m less than one half of the team.

I guess the point is - that for me, not sharing our life together in every way going forward wasn’t an option. I would have stayed alone! I know lots of people keep finances separate but as a woman you’re more often than not the one that suffers.

You can have a trust deed to protect his larger deposit contribution if that’s what he’s concerned about. But why should you pay towards his mortgage each month, to be no better off than renting? Women sacrifice a lot to have children and I hate the thought of the bloke continuing to progress his career and build his pension pot whilst the woman does the leg work and comes out with nothing when he decides he’s had enough.

Also OP if you stay put at some stage you might benefit from using right to buy and buying your house at a significant discount, if you give that up to move in with him it sounds like you’re unlikely to ever be a home owner. thinking long term that really doesn’t work for you.

Why did you have a child with this man? He sounds truly awful.

He knows you are struggling financially and thinks that's fine?! In what kind of partnership is that ok ? Your daughters will be fine , your 10 year old will be picking up on your tension and stress and you will be free of that without him so she will be happier and your 1 year old won't remember ever living with him . Please don't stay with him he is controlling and mean

DO NOT give up your tenancy. He sounds financially abusive.
Remember to put you and your girls first.

He’s a giant wanker who will bring nothing but misery to your life get rid. Also spend some time on why you accepted this treatment from a man. It sounds like pretty much from the off he has been bad for you.

I think @TheClogLady nailed it when she said GUARANTEED you’ll have more wiggle room financially without him.

also, you said you were doing 50:50 with the bills despite his 3x salary… and I rather suspect that 3x was BEFORE you went on sick-pay.

please don’t give up the tenancy. I’m a single mum in a council house and although I’m working right now (feeble wage) - financially I was WAY better off budgeting for me and my children than living with a financially abusive/feckless fuckwit.

that HA is 100x more valuable than a man who’s not going “all in” and provides real security and continuity for your children whether there are lean years or not.

Throw him back, get your claims in and concentrate on getting physically and mentally stronger and enjoy your girls.