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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ridiculous rant

139 replies

SusieKew · 23/09/2022 23:08

My boyfriend hates it when I yawn mid convo, he expressed this to me months ago. I didn’t think it was that rude because he knows me and knows my intentions are pure but it happened tonight and he’s had a go at me but tbh I just feel like he’s given me the biggest Ick. It’s just yawning, I’m really not seeing the big deal. I’ve been away on business for the past few days. I got back this evening and the first thing I did was join our therapy session. I am tired and he knows this. While we were chatting once the session had ended we were both yawning (something I don’t care about when does it), but the last time I yawned in the convo he lost it and made all of these sarcastic comments which made me withdrawn from the rest of the convo. I find his whining about my yawning so unattractive. Am I being unreasonable? It annoys me that he doesn’t it as me choosing to talk to him over my tiredness!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 24/09/2022 14:12

Therapy a year in?!

OP I say this with kindness... staying in this relationship is absolute madness.

girlmom21 · 24/09/2022 14:15

Therapy a year in and he's using it as an excuse not to see you? What's the point?

sageandrosemary · 24/09/2022 14:21

Yeah, leave.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 24/09/2022 14:25

Quite honestly he doesn't sound quite right in the head. I would run off immediately.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 24/09/2022 14:28

I read that a yawn can be a sign of dominance in body language terms - maybe he has read that and doesn't like you displaying dominance in a situation, he's looking to train you to be docile and to act in a way that is centered around him and his needs.

HilarityEnsues · 24/09/2022 14:31

Why are you with him if you think he doesn't like you (by the way I suspect you are right)?!

Letthesunshineonin · 24/09/2022 14:39

Together a year and he requested therapy because of your inadequacies!
Who the hell does he think he is?
Obviously thinks it’s all your fault there are troubles in the relationship.
He’s taking the piss OP.
And he’s controlling.
Get rid
Your mental health is going to suffer badly if you continue pandering to his crazy and self centred demands.

rainbowstardrops · 24/09/2022 14:41

You don't fill up his love tank???!!!
You're in therapy after a year???!!!

This has got to be a wind up!

Original poster
SusieKew · 24/09/2022 14:44

I’m clearly attached. I Love him care about him and did hope to have a future with him. We still have good times but they are not currently outweighing the bad. I don’t want to be ignorant in thinking he will change but more open to working at things and learning more about each other in order to be in a happier and healthier space. A lot of his behaviour stems from his upbringing so I try to give him grace. I don’t think he has a lot of experience with women (I’ve said this to him and he gets defensive) so some things he thinks are outlandish he may just not be used to. When I’ve spoken about calling it quits before he’s said that I’m just giving up and relationships take work so therapy was his way of showing he still wants us but we have to do the work.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 24/09/2022 14:55

SusieKew · 24/09/2022 14:44

I’m clearly attached. I Love him care about him and did hope to have a future with him. We still have good times but they are not currently outweighing the bad. I don’t want to be ignorant in thinking he will change but more open to working at things and learning more about each other in order to be in a happier and healthier space. A lot of his behaviour stems from his upbringing so I try to give him grace. I don’t think he has a lot of experience with women (I’ve said this to him and he gets defensive) so some things he thinks are outlandish he may just not be used to. When I’ve spoken about calling it quits before he’s said that I’m just giving up and relationships take work so therapy was his way of showing he still wants us but we have to do the work.

You’re using very flowery language to describe being a mug. You must recognise this?

You don’t ‘speak about calling it quits’ and hope that your garbage boyfriend suddenly realises he’s treating you like shit. That’s quite clearly not something that is going to happen. You must see that, as well.

You break up with him and then possibly get individual therapy to figure out how you ended up in this situation and ensure it doesn’t happen again.

UserError012345 · 24/09/2022 14:57

It shouldn't be this hard so early on.

'did hope to have a future with him.'

This is why you're hanging on. You don't want to have to start again. It's the loss of the future that's clouding your judgment. It's not him. You can love him but it not be enough.

DragonflyNights · 24/09/2022 15:00

With all due respect you did NOT go into this relationship ‘healed’ because if you were healed with healthy self-esteem you’d have run for the hills by now. The fact you are going along with his weird, abusive and controlling behaviour - and the fact a therapist is seeing fit to facilitate his abuse via online sessions is deeply concerning.

Who chose this ‘therapist’?

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2022 15:01

There are lovely blokes out there who won’t suggest therapy 12 months into a relationship to get you to change to suit them.

Go and find one of those.

Cherchezlaspice · 24/09/2022 15:02

Why do some women feel this burning need to analyse the behaviour of garbage men? To read every self help book, follow every podcast, subscribe to every pseudoscientific half baked theory in order to explain hurtful patterns of behaviour?

It doesn’t matter why he’s treating you like this. What matters is that he’s treating you like this. As you neither want nor deserve to be treated like this, you remove yourself from this situation. You don’t sit in a burning house pondering the nature of flammable substances and what might have caught fire. You get the hell out. In this case, it’s not even a long term relationship with kids and he has no desire to actually see you, so your path is clear.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/09/2022 15:04

Stop trying to fix him. You can't.

He does NOT like you. He likes the fact he can get you to jump. He likes the fact that you ask him how high to jump. This does not equate with liking YOU.

Are you 100% certain this therapist is qualified? Find out. Find out if this therapist is qualified to counsel abusive relationships as these are different from bad communication relationships.

Get separate counselling for yourself. Your boundries are shit.

Bonbon21 · 24/09/2022 15:04

His Love Tank..???.... I know what I would fill that with!!

Lose him... he is just not worth this hassle a year in... YOU, on the other hand, are worth SO much more..
Find your self again... and get on with your life.. free and single...

BaronessBomburst · 24/09/2022 15:12

You won't be giving up on the relationship, you'll be walking away from a complete tosser. That's a positive action.

XmasElf10 · 24/09/2022 15:19

He’s not a challenge or something you can fix …. He’s a twat. This all sounds painfully difficult, stop.

MaChienEstUnDick · 24/09/2022 15:19

Oh mate.

He's negging you. Admittedly it's higher order negging which he's somehow managing to get a 'therapist' to collude in, but it's negging all the same.

Bin him off. Find someone who actually makes you pee your pants because you're laughing so hard. Someone who doesn't have a love tank to fill (ick).

You can do so, so much better - it really doesn't have to be this hard.

Workawayxx · 24/09/2022 16:33

A year in is still testing each other out - it shouldn’t be this hard work this early. The whole point of the first year is to see if you’re compatible - it’s not “giving up” to say “after a year, the person I am does not make the person you are happy so let’s be kind to each other and let each other find someone more suited”.

Of course, he won’t like that because he prefers it when you twist yourself in knots to prove yourself to him. No matter the reasons behind it (childhood etc) this man will make you miserable and enjoy doing it. you deserve better than that. Leave now before you need a whole heap of therapy to fix what he has done.

“You don’t fill my love tank but I’m not going to tell you why..” WTAF! he’s literally telling you he wants you to be walking on eggshells trying to work him out and that it’s normal for relationships to be like this.

billy1966 · 24/09/2022 16:47

You definitely need solo therapy to figure out why you would put up with his bullshit.

AquaticSewingMachine · 24/09/2022 17:06

He doesn't want you to be "happier and healthier". He wants you to be permanently on the back foot, in the wrong, questioning yourself. That's how he likes you.

Genuinely, that you would tolerate this nonsense means that you do need to ask yourself some questions about your boundaries. Maybe try a few solo sessions, with a different therapist (any one with wisdom and good radar would have stopped him dead when he pulled out that "you should know what you're doing wrong" gold-plated bullshit).

economicervix · 24/09/2022 17:14

What on earth are you doing? Stop throwing your life down the shitter just to have a boyfriend. No need for typing out paragraphs analysing him, any relationship that requires therapy is on its last legs by definition. There’s absolutely no need for this drivel, you’ve been dating such a short time.

‘Hey SadSack, this isn’t working for me. All the best, bye.’ Move on with your life. Avoid males who require therapy to date you 😄

AlisonDonut · 24/09/2022 17:16

Good lord above.

Filling his love tank? Come on, seriously?

I'm not surprised you are yawning. He sounds like a pile of boring shite.

ImperfectAlf · 24/09/2022 19:00

It's the sunken costs fallacy.

You're a year in. It's already got you trying to meet (his) unreasonable expectations and you were hoping for a future.

Well, you have a future. The time you're wasting with this person is time you could be spending with someone who puts you first, who can't wait to see you and who doesn't need to send you to a therapist.

Therapists can be valuable. This one is just prolonging the inevitable.