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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ridiculous rant

139 replies

SusieKew · 23/09/2022 23:08

My boyfriend hates it when I yawn mid convo, he expressed this to me months ago. I didn’t think it was that rude because he knows me and knows my intentions are pure but it happened tonight and he’s had a go at me but tbh I just feel like he’s given me the biggest Ick. It’s just yawning, I’m really not seeing the big deal. I’ve been away on business for the past few days. I got back this evening and the first thing I did was join our therapy session. I am tired and he knows this. While we were chatting once the session had ended we were both yawning (something I don’t care about when does it), but the last time I yawned in the convo he lost it and made all of these sarcastic comments which made me withdrawn from the rest of the convo. I find his whining about my yawning so unattractive. Am I being unreasonable? It annoys me that he doesn’t it as me choosing to talk to him over my tiredness!

OP posts:
bigknickersbigknockers · 24/09/2022 09:56

You are only 12 months into a relationship and having therapy already!! Thats crazy. You should be still in the honeymoon stage. You need to get the fuck out of this mess asap.

Original poster
SusieKew · 24/09/2022 10:04

Thank you for all your comments.

He is paying for the therapy. I am open to learning and growing but the lines get blurred when it starts to feel like pandering for love and I find that hard to identify. I have had self esteem issues in the past but have come into the relationship healed, open and full of joy. I feel like I’m no longer that is slowly diminishing because nothing seems good enough for him. He doesn’t seem to see the good/love in the things I do. We were advised to read the five love languages, something I’m quite familiar with. In accordance to that book He has said that I do not fill his love tank and he won’t tell me why, he says it’s up to me to figure out why. The same sentiments as respect, where you can’t ask for respect it, you earn it.

OP posts:
ImperfectAlf · 24/09/2022 10:09

Morning lovely.

Here, have my first ever LTB

He's not the one for you. You are worth so much more.

Rollergirl11 · 24/09/2022 10:14

Honestly OP, it just seems like everything is on his terms. The more you tell us the more toxic this guy sounds. So you don’t make him totally happy and it’s up to you to figure out why? As someone else said up thread don’t let him diminish you because it seems like he is. Again, he is allowed to point out your flaws constantly (to the point where you’re not allowed to yawn) yet when you voice any concerns yourself you are being negative. He sounds like a narcissist.

SantanaBinLorry · 24/09/2022 10:15

Jeseus love!
Not even a relationship to leave here as it sounds like you don't actually see each other outside of therapy.
Its insane!

Shoxfordian · 24/09/2022 10:16

Why are you bothering op? It’s not working so move on, it’s only been a year, you’ll find someone else

BadNomad · 24/09/2022 10:17

He has said that I do not fill his love tank and he won’t tell me why, he says it’s up to me to figure out why.

Seriously, no. You don't. If he won't communicate with you then it's even more pointless than everyone already thinks. Learn and grow to know when to walk away from drama llamas.

AquaticSewingMachine · 24/09/2022 10:17

SusieKew · 24/09/2022 10:04

Thank you for all your comments.

He is paying for the therapy. I am open to learning and growing but the lines get blurred when it starts to feel like pandering for love and I find that hard to identify. I have had self esteem issues in the past but have come into the relationship healed, open and full of joy. I feel like I’m no longer that is slowly diminishing because nothing seems good enough for him. He doesn’t seem to see the good/love in the things I do. We were advised to read the five love languages, something I’m quite familiar with. In accordance to that book He has said that I do not fill his love tank and he won’t tell me why, he says it’s up to me to figure out why. The same sentiments as respect, where you can’t ask for respect it, you earn it.

From this: at best, he's really fucked up and playing self defeating emotional games. But I strongly suspect that he is in fact emotionally abusing you.

Look what he's saying to you above. "You are not good enough, but I won't tell you why or how to change. You must always focus on guessing what I want. You must not have needs or a physical body of your own. You live by the terms I set for our relationship."

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 24/09/2022 10:21

“In accordance to that book He has said that I do not fill his love tank and he won’t tell me why, he says it’s up to me to figure out why.”

oh what fun, the man thinks he’s a puzzle and you should devote yourself to intense study to work out how to be a better girlfriend to him?! I don’t think so love. I don’t know you but if I did I’d be reminding you there’s so much more to you than wasting your time and energy on this miserable, self centred man.

Please get out while you can, and when you have - have a good laugh at his ridiculousness with your friends. He doesn’t deserve you. It’s not you - it is definitely him.

onmywayamarillo · 24/09/2022 10:26

He sounds like a weird scammer! Are you rich? Do you have something he wants?
How do you know this is a real therapist?

So many questions! It sounds like far too much hard work, and he also sounds unhinged

KatnissNeverdone · 24/09/2022 10:40

How can you even be arsed with him? He's a self indulgent naval gazer at best, and at worst a whiny, controlling fuckface who won't let you have any emotional response to his wanky behaviour.

totallyoutnumbered · 24/09/2022 11:05

Jesus! What have I actually just read?!. This is absolutely bloody mental. You may benefit from some personal therapy around your self esteem and setting healthy boundaries OP. He sounds like an absolute twat quite frankly. No amount of therapy will fix that!
Throw this one back ffs

2020nymph · 24/09/2022 11:15

SusieKew · 24/09/2022 01:25

For example. During this process of therapy, if he had it his way we probably wouldn’t see each other or spend any time together. I have the view that you still need to water the relationship by meeting and spending time together. We have clashed on this and him challenging my view hasn’t made me feel good. This is where I’m putting in the “hard work”.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! If he is already blaming you and you're in therapy after a year I say count your losses and run.

Cherchezlaspice · 24/09/2022 11:25

I’ve read your previous threads. Break up with this person, for the love of God. Relationships are meant to be happy pleasant things that make your life better.

You’re 12 months in with an arse who doesn’t have sex with you, won’t talk to you, doesn’t want to see you, has a go at you for yawning and is making you get counselling because you dared complain. What the actual fuck are you doing?

Tomatowentsplat · 24/09/2022 11:27

Hold up, your in therapy after just over a year because he has issues with you expressing your thoughts or feelings if they aren't all sunshines and roses. He complains if you yawn when your tired, despite the fact your tired your making the effort to converse with him. OP this isn't healthy. He doesn't sound like he likes you very much and is trying to change you.

Original poster
SusieKew · 24/09/2022 11:40

I do ask myself does he even like me let alone love me. I am scared of spiders and called him in a panic when there was one on my room. I wanted comfort and consoling and just someone to vent to. He offered a few words of comfort then quickly started lecturing me about my fear and creating hypothetical scenarios in attempt to get me to be stronger. While I appreciate that it just wasn’t the time. When we were on the phone last night, he was loading up his car and I heard his neighbour in the background screaming saying there was a spider. He was laughing and being playful with her. I couldn’t help but notice how much compassion he has for her and her fears and how little he had for me. It was actually quite hurtful. I didn’t want to mention it because I didn’t want to be negative but it was clear that I was upset. I decided to mention it to him and his answer was she’s 16. So again I wasn’t sure if I’m being unreasonable/sensitive or he actually doesn’t like me!

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 24/09/2022 11:45

SusieKew · 24/09/2022 11:40

I do ask myself does he even like me let alone love me. I am scared of spiders and called him in a panic when there was one on my room. I wanted comfort and consoling and just someone to vent to. He offered a few words of comfort then quickly started lecturing me about my fear and creating hypothetical scenarios in attempt to get me to be stronger. While I appreciate that it just wasn’t the time. When we were on the phone last night, he was loading up his car and I heard his neighbour in the background screaming saying there was a spider. He was laughing and being playful with her. I couldn’t help but notice how much compassion he has for her and her fears and how little he had for me. It was actually quite hurtful. I didn’t want to mention it because I didn’t want to be negative but it was clear that I was upset. I decided to mention it to him and his answer was she’s 16. So again I wasn’t sure if I’m being unreasonable/sensitive or he actually doesn’t like me!

Again, why are you with this person? What is your reason?

Rollergirl11 · 24/09/2022 11:57

I cannot get my head around him telling you that you need to figure out where YOU are going wrong in keeping HIM happy and that you appear to have accepted that. Honestly OP, what exactly are you getting from this relationship?

Frith2013 · 24/09/2022 12:12

I could yawn just reading about him. What a prick.

MzHz · 24/09/2022 13:38

My ex (abusive and controlling) made it my responsibility to “make him happy” and then he would change the rules so that whatever I did, didn’t make him happy and it was my fault.

at the end he even said
”I want to know what you’re going to do to make me happy. Can you do this? If I’m going to stay with you, what will you do to make sure I’m happy”

fwiw… he’d made me so utterly unhappy with his controlling and abusive behaviour when I was trapped in his godforsaken world that I couldn’t even bring myself to look out of the window as it would remind me of where I was. I’d begged him to allow me some kind of life. He refused.

… thanks here to mumsnet ->

I replied “we are each responsible for our own happiness. I can’t make you happy. Only you can decide what makes you happy and make that happen.”

he was totally and utterly perplexed. “Well I’m not sure I can stay with you then…” thinking that this was a threat…

”indeed… I don’t think you should stay anymore either. 10 years of initial lovebombing then punishments and control… I’ve never looked back.

you will never be happy with this man.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/09/2022 13:41

He sounds utterly dreadful and I can't imagine why you're wasting your time on him!!

Thestagshead · 24/09/2022 13:43

I’ve no words. You’re both in therapy and you’ve only been together a year. Aren’t seeing each other when in therapy, you frequently yawn in convo with him, and phone him for comfort if you see a spider.

can neither of you see how odd this is?

DomingoinLittleOakley · 24/09/2022 13:51

"Fill his 'love tank'"?
Jesus wept.
It really isn't supposed to be this hard. Tell him you're yawning because he's an intolerable bore and cut him loose.

wackamole · 24/09/2022 14:08

We were advised to read the five love languages, something I’m quite familiar with. In accordance to that book He has said that I do not fill his love tank and he won’t tell me why, he says it’s up to me to figure out why.

But this book stresses the need for each person to develop self-awareness in order to ask for what they want from others. It specifically says that it's unfair to expect the partner to be a mind-reader. Does your therapist perhaps have a "For Dummies" version of the book?

The same sentiments as respect, where you can’t ask for respect it, you earn it. Nonsense; this sounds inherently abussive. If this person doesn't have basic respect for you, as a human being and a partner, he's a prick and you're wasting your time.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/09/2022 14:10

Just reading your account of what he says about your 'relationship' has made me yawn.

Bin him off, go to bed and get some sleep.