I think that even the good men (and DH is definitely one) very easily slip into this mindset where it's not their responsibility to do things or think about things etc. And the knock on effects can be that they over estimate how much they're doing (and expect excessive thanks for whatever it is they DO do), and they massively underestimate what their partner is doing (and don't ever acknowledge it) and then things spiral out of control and there's complaints about nagging and controlling behaviour and all the rest of it.
In our case, this was definitely it. It wasn't that DH didn't do anything - he did. But I got increasingly resentful and frustrated that I was doing all the THINKING and the PLANNING and that even though I was the one who worked full time hours, his attitude was that I should be grateful if he cleaned the bathroom and that if I wanted it done "better" (my view was that it wasn't done properly at all), then I should do it.
Fixing it was a combination. The first is that we did get a cleaning agency in. I still don't feel they do a fantastic job, but they do an okay job and that means that I can do the "deep cleaning" that neither DH nor the new cleaners seem to even realise exists and DH does a lot of day to day tidying. He also 100% has taken on certain tasks - changing bedding and laundry being the two key ones, and accepts that he has to not just do them, but think about them and plan for them and not leave it to me to tell him or remind him or point out that we need to do whites because the DC don't have shirts for school....
We also had a lot of conversations. From DH's side, he has made an effort to pay attention to the endless things that I'm doing day in and day out and appreciate them. He has also made more effort to take some of that on and to be more thoughtful. eg, an argument we've had a few times in the past might be that I'll be trying to figure out how to arrange or plan something happening in the future (eg perhaps a complicated logistics arrangement around DD's dance class later that week). That would stress DH out and he'd refuse to engage. Now, he realises that he can't do that (or I remind him) and he will stop and discuss whatever it is with me. It's a small thing but makes a huge difference, not least because otherwise I'd do all the planning and organising and then he'd complain!
He's also spoken to other people and I think come to realise he was being a dick and needed to be more proactive.
On my part, I also had to stop and realise that actually, he does do a great deal and I was so busy being angry that I did more that I didn't appreciate all the things he does do. And that if I do hand off something to him, he will take it on. And of course, as the stuff in the first half of my post improved, this part was easier. I think key for me was accepting that he was genuinely trying because, and I do think this is really really important, no matter how hard we don't want this to be true, men (and boys) ARE socialised differently and as a result they come to adulthood in a very different way. That might be changing now, but it certainly wasn't the case for DH and his peers.