Does your DH make your life easier?

[MentionItAll]

Just that really, would you say your DH/DP whatever made your life easier? Do you expect them to?
Or do you think you would you find everything easier to manage without them around? And in what way?

Yes, we’re a team - and now our DC are teens they also make my life easier by pulling their weight too. No free rides in our house 😊

In terms of the house and general stuff yes, we split it equally. In terms of the kids, no. We have polar opposite parenting styles and it leads to arguments all the time. It's draining to be around. If he's away with work life is easier.

No.

On a superficial level (and if someone was looking into our marriage) you would probably think he does. He does some school runs. He will put a load of laundry on etc. I can do my job because he is at home in evenings, but the much bigger things he is hopeless and creates more stress for me.

He is terrible with money. Has got into debt and lied about it. I have to be in control of the finances and monitor him. I'm the one who did more work to clear the debt.We have a child with additional needs and I have to liaise with school and professionals. If someone asked today about his appointments/medications he would not have a clue. He provides no emotional support. When I say I am struggling with it all he will literally shrug and walk away. If I give him a job, say renewing passports, they will be done wrong and it will be me frantically sorting before we go on holiday.

So it's like having another child, who sulks a lot because he feels I don't give him enough attention.

I suspect he may have ASD or ADHD (and my DD's paediatrician raised this), but when I suggest he goes to his Occupational Health department he denies there is a problem. While I am sympathetic he may have some executive function issues, what hurts is the fact he won't then do something about this despite it being pointed out to him this is causing problems.

Yes, he is amazing. He works incredibly hard (from home), and will stop to help out (with kids) if he hears I need it. He will help with any of the housework, and doesn't need asking to do day to day jobs like it sounds like some do. If I am worn out he will often offer to sort things out so I can rest. He doesn't carry the mental load, but that's circumstances for us, and not because he doesn't care. He is a fantastic person, and I am very lucky to have him.

I’m not sure ‘I think he has ADHD’ is it should be the get out clause it’s presented as here.

I have ADHD. Despite that I manage to work FT, do all the nursery runs, make all the meals, do all the housework (beyond what I delegate to a teenager), carry the whole mental load of everything. And so on. Because I have to. I don’t have any other choice.

What separating from my shitty H made clear was that I had to do it all when I was with him, plus all the extra work of trying to manage him. No one ever seems to make excuses that let me off being responsible for it all.

It was an example of the many many things that made us both unhappy and which have subsequently improved. But sure, tell me I was wrong.

And frankly, the "why must he clean to your standards" thing is such bollocks anyway in most cases. I mean sure, if a woman is ranting because a man cleaned the kitchen and left the cloth over the sink instead of the tap, perhaps. But that's not the case. But yes actually, removing the limescale is a baselines of cleanliness that I think is perfectly reasonable. Ditto actually cleaning the bath. Similarly, if you're vacuuming, vacuuming the spiders' webs at the base of the balcony door is not something excessive.

PS I do ALL the cooking. ALL the cooking. And you know what.... I take DH and DS's preferences into account at all times, including sometimes making meals that I don't even like. Perhaps more importantly when I make dinner, I don't leave things off. So I don't cook bolognaise sauce and then act surprised if DH ALSO expects there to be spaghetti.

Not even close. I'd love to have one that did.

My EXH made everything harder. My DP makes everything easier. It's a choice we make I think

I’m single now but yes life was easier with my ex

Yes he does.

Not because "I expect it". Because he loves me and wants to make me happy and is very good at thinking up new little ways to surprise and please me.

100% yes. We’re a good team. He does more than 50% of the jobs around the house and picks the kids up every day. We share bath/bedtime. He is often the one to take time off/work from home if one of the kids is unwell. I would really struggle if he wasn’t around!

Mostly a lot harder. Very occasionally much, much easier.

Made more mess, made everything harder, left me to deal with everything on the regular but occasionally stepped in and disrupted my carefully balanced routine in a way that seemed helpful in the moment, but actually made everything so much harder later that it wasn’t worth accepting help in the first place. It was a huge net increase in effort if he got involved.

If he bathed the baby before bed, he wound her up so much that she wouldn’t sleep for hours. If he cooked, he created more mess than if I’d had a dinner party for ten. If he hoovered because we had a guest coming in four minutes and I was pregnant and knackered, he started pulling out sofas to hoover behind them. Then stopped to chat to the guest when they arrived and just left the sofas out, most of the appalling mess exposed and unhoovered, to ‘open a bottle of wine’ (which, both being pregnant neither me or my friend could drink and were perfectly capable of opening ourselves if we wanted to) then went out, leaving two pregnant women move the bloody sofas back (Fortunately the guest didn’t care, but Jesus Christ, just run the hoover round the middle bit so the poor woman doesn’t get covered in dog hair the moment she walks in the house!). I once asked him to get the milk off the step because I forgot on my way to work (no, he wouldn’t spot it and do it) and came home to find the fucking milk on the kitchen table, because he hadn’t been asked to put in the fridge. A friend came round faintly shortly after, picked up the milk on her way in, opened the fridge to put it away and said to me ‘new milk on the left, right?’ because she could see I used it from the right. He was astonished at this witchcraft. Utterly astounded. How did she ‘just know’? We both pointed out that she had simply used her brain and thought about what the sensible thing to do was and not just assumed the fairies would take care of it, and actually cared about easing my load a smidge because she understood it. His mind was blown. His idea of helping with day to routines was to cook (another) roast mid week. Not being responsible for slinging a bowl of pasta on front of the telly - a full on roast! He would roast a huge lump of expensive meat in a vast roasting pan, get beef dripping everywhere, peel potatoes directly on the kitchen surface and leave the starchy residue all over everything, and nuke several different veggies in two multi layer steamers. None of which fitted in the dishwasher. And none of which he ever washed up. He then expected me to ‘help’ by making gravy, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and dessert from scratch. It took two cycles of the dishwasher to get through the mess (aside from the washing up) and wasn’t ready till gone nine. And genuinely thought it was helpful. How? HOW could he not see that it was not at all easier? He sulked when I super-tactfully said it was less than helpful and refused to ‘help’ anymore if I didn’t appreciate it. He was also a terrible spender and was always blowing our savings or not paying bills to buy something he felt was ‘more important’. Never being on a truly stable financial footing was also very draining. And he needed A TON of reassurance and emotional support and at least daily sex or he tantrumed and sulked like a teenager. Frankly, being single was an enormous relief.

BUT useless as he was, there was someone else with parental responsibility. Someone who HAD to step in and pick up DD when I fainted and was taken to hospital, and could legitimately leave work early to do so. Who could pick me up from hospital after a GA because they don’t let you drive yourself home. Who could help me lift a set of shelves without arranging an appointment. Who could give me a lift back from taking the car in for service. Who could read a map while I drove and find away around the traffic. You can’t get a neighbour to do any of that. On balance, it’s easier without him, but I am assured that there are less crap husbands out there. (I’m not yet certain whether I’m ready to trial one)

On balance, it’s easier without him, but I am assured that there are less crap husbands out there. (I’m not yet certain whether I’m ready to trial one)

Right now, I’m pretty certain that I will never be ready to trail a potential other husband (or partner).

There are definitely good husbands out there. But I appear to be astoundingly ineffective at identifying them.

Nope. My partner won't leave my home and now does the absolute bare minimum and I began writing it all down but started crying.

Yes, he does a lot of practical stuff and is great with our teenagers. We are a team, I would particularly hate to parent without him.

Yes he does. But it’s mutual.

Beggars that's awful. Surely there's a way to get him out if it's your home? Posters on here May be able to help you they're very knowledgeable.

Thankyou I appreciate all the replies and have been nodding along with so many of them!

To the PP who asked whether I thought he did it on purpose because he didn’t care, well this is where I struggle, I just don’t know.
He is absolutely fabulous with me he’s supportive, my biggest cheerleader, I have poor mental health and he is very in tune with this and usually knows what I need before I do. When it’s just me and him and there is zero issues. I know how much he loves and cares for me and is good at little things like just making me a cup of tea or bringing me in a treat from the shop, running me a bath if my neck is sore (I have a weird neck/shoulder issue) etc etc

BUT it’s literally everything else that is seemingly my responsibility
We have 4 DC, two have disabilities and everything to do with them is up to me; all school stuff, all appointments, all prescriptions (of which there are a lot) keeping them in a routine, homework, reading, birthdays, facilitating their social lives etc etc etc = all me.
The house; cleaning, organising, decluttering, keeping up with what needs replacing repairing etc etc = all me.

Now I wouldn’t mind if he was for instance a really hard worker, long shifts etc I would do it all, or if he was an amazing Dad who put a lot of effort in there or if maybe he took over all DIY and decorating kind of jobs and our house was fabulous; but the reality is he works an office job from home and spends most of the day watching tv whilst occasionally wiggling the mouse on his work laptop, he is a completely uninterested Dad, barely talks to them and outright refuses to play with them (it’s not his thing apparently, because finger painting and doing paw patrol jigsaws is my jam 🙄) and if I don’t prod him won’t even say good night to them plus our house is falling apart.

If he does do anything I have to ask repeatedly, provide him with the tools to do it, walk him through it and clean up after him to the point that it’s not worth the effort.
When I ask him to do things his response is alllllways in a minute (it’s never a minute) and it’s always ‘yeah if you just do x then I’ll do it’ so I’ll ask him to start dinner and he’ll say ‘yes go and turn the oven on and I’ll do it’ (why!?!) or I’ll ask him to stick a wash on ‘yeah go and sort me a lid out and I’ll put it on’ or I’ll ask him to bath the kids ‘yes you go and run it and get their pjs and I’ll do it’ … you get the idea.

I’m just fucking exhausted and sick of the extra steps he makes me.
The mental load is heavy and I am drowning.
Sigh

We make a good team. He deals with mortgage/insurance type stuff, I do the council tax/energy bills. He plans far ahead, I am good at the day to day practicalities. He's a better cook, but I do most of the day to day food and all the shopping. He gives the kids breakfast because I'm up all night with the baby. We split nursery runs equally. We watch Bake Off and Game of Thrones together, but Never Have I Ever and Law and Order separately. He is the best person I know and makes me a much better person because I try to be as good as he is.

Yes, my DH makes my life easier. And he makes it harder. But on balance, life is infinitely better with him around that it would be without him.

I feel fortunate that I have a husband who works extremely hard virtually every minute of every day. If he's not at work or travelling to/from work then he's tidying/washing/DIYing/mowing/maintaining/shopping/cleaning. Sometimes he sits down, but not often, and I don't resent it one bit because I know he only rests when he needs to.

I can only hope he feels anywhere near the same about me.

We've split up 2'weeks ago after 17 year together and I've been pondering this a lot. We have a 7 year old and don't know if what I was expecting was too much. It was wee things that made me feel like he didn't care for me. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this: he's not a bad guy, I just feel he's very selfish.

Very hard worker, the bread winner. Worked 6 days. I work full time as well, however because I'm in an office based job and not a physical job like him was made to feel inferior, whether intentional or not. I did school drop offs, he picks him up and does homework and makes sons dinner. He would also make himself dinner and would be making/eating it and wouldn't even think to ask me if I wanted any as "he didn't know what I'd had to eat at work". I'd come in from work and do the dishes as they'd lie there I I didn't. I'd then tidy up and do bedtime while he lay on the couch watching tv. If our son shouted for me after I'd put him down and I asked him to go up, he'd moan as he was shouting on me and not him. Saturdays he'd work, shower then go straight to the pub. Our son asked why dad always went out and wasn't in on a Saturday and it killed me. Sundays he never wanted to do anything with me or our son as it was the only day he got a long lie, he wanted to just lie on the couch. Week nights he'd go out for walks/football/meet pals without ever asking if I ever wanted to do anything as a couple. If I wanted to go out with my pals (I said one night on a Wednesday) I'd to "give him more notice" For a night at the pub he goes to every week. It really began to grate on me. He started to distance himself and I pushed back, which made things worse. We couldn't even hold a conversation or be in the same room as each other towards the end. He denied there was anything wrong, and just acted like this was normal despite me feeling it in my gut. Straw that broke the camels back was when he said he'd go to pub early and come in early day before our sons birthday. He went out at 2, came in at 11 as he'd went to sit in his pals house as he was on his own. I'm on my own every Saturday with our son and that never crossed his mind.

I know I can be snappy and difficult to live with but I just want to know if what I expected was too much. He always just assumed I was ok with things, despite me making it clear I wasn't. He's a brilliant dad and was a brilliant husband; I just feel sad he wasn't willing to make the effort to show he cared and make my life easier.

What's your thoughts?

Yes, we share the responsibility of the home and children equally. He picks up my slack when I'm on night shifts and having to sleep during the day.

He definitely makes my life easier as I do his (I think). I couldn't juggle everything in my life without him.

Very thought provoking question!

Financially my life is easier as DP earns considerably more than me and pays for holidays and is very good at organising them as well.

Practically not really - he shops (what he wants to buy) and cooks at wknds often and puts the rubbish out. DIY to him is changing lightbulbs.

I do everything else. Cooking in the week & weekly shop, all washing and ironing, all housework. Everything related to DC including 99pc school runs, school admin, drop-offs etc, used to do majority of activities, is easier now DC a teen and doesnt do them!

I have tried to get DP to run hoover round or even just be a bit tidy or even just turn the lights off after leaving a room would be nice.

Having lived on my own I do think of those times fondly…..

We’re the same. It’s a partnership and we love and look after each other.

Definitely makes it easier. He is my favorite person apart from dc. He is my sounding board but always approaching any issue as our issue. I don't feel alone or struggling with anything by myself. We have alot of respect for each other. He is a great hands on dad too.