Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

Congratulations on your baby.

but yikes, OP. The possible affair is the least of your problems, I’m sorry to say.

kids he doesn’t see? Secret marriage? Lack of care for you in pregnancy? Using your salary to pay off his own debt?! Why oh why are you giving this man money? What has he racked up this debt on? Does he work?

What does your mum say? As I’m sure others will say- please take your child away from this man.

Don't go back.
The only thing ahead of you with this man is misery.
If the debt is all in his name do not pay it off for him or allow him to take equity out of your house to pay it off. Sell the house and get back your 25k. Move in with your mum while you have the baby and then worry about buying a house once you are divorced.
He has lied and lied to you. He may well be having an affair too but tbh the rest is enough to leave as well.
He wants you back to pay his debts off. He will run up more and this will be your life now unless you leave him.

You need to provide for you and your baby and get free from him as quickly as you can.

Run, run for the hills. And really consider if you want him on the birth certificate.

OP whose name is the debt in? If it is only his then please please don't give him the equity from the house to pay it off. Use that money to set up a new life for yourself and the baby. I'm sorry to be brutal OP but he WON'T change and this is not a relationship that is ever going to give you what you need.

How upsetting. You don’t deserve this, OP.

First of all ask him for the money back. A little money for your emergency use is always good.

Then see a lawyer. Knowledge gives you both options plus power.

Then give yourself time for a proper think.

But for me, he’d be out.

Mumsnet's obsessed with not putting the father's name on a child's birth certificate!

Leave him OP. He's liar, a cheat and a nasty piece of work. You and your baby deserve better. You'll have a lifetime of misery if you stay.

I financially supported a partner for many years and dug him out of debt, paid the mortgage etc.
It doesn't get any better and when you lose respect for a partner it's impossible to get it back.
Why have you moved into a box room when you need the comfort of your own home, ask him to leave until you've sorted the situation.

Run as far away as you can and don't go through a house move in the misguided belief that you will clear his debts and have a fresh start.
Deep down you know this don't you?
He's a man child and doesn't care about your needs.
His lady friend is just a shoulder to cry on and yet she sends a message to say she can't wait to see him? Really?
Look after yourself and your baby.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your replies. I just feel totally lost and sad. I feel like I can not just walk away from him ,there is still love there and I feel sad for the failed marriage and that I will have to go all this alone.
Most of the debt is in his name but a lot of the stuff that the debt is for is stuff that has been towards the house. Even though I have not wanted any of it, he just will not accept that people should wait to save up money and then buy things they want. He has to have everything now and tells me I am childish and unrealistic if I think nobody has debt.
I have never had debt before meeting him and never needed to. I have always just saved up money for something over a period of a few months and then bought it.
I feel totally let down by him and heart broken and struggling to let go.
I really don't want to get a solicitor involved to make him suffer or anything. Especially if he is going through some kind of depression, I couldn't live with myself.
I have left the house and left him in there as I would rather be surrounded by people who love me at the moment rather than be on my own. My Mum, friends and sister are all an hours drive away so I felt being with my Mum at this time was the better option.
xxx

Run for the hills.

He doesn't have depression, he's using that as an excuse.

In the kindest way possible, if you’ve asked him to rein in his spending before, but instead he racked up tens of thousands of pounds of additional debt, forcing you to work overtime when you were unwell and should have been saving for your mat leave… why on earth do you think he’d rein in his spending now, if you get back together? I mean, what concretely will have changed that will make him responsible overnight? The answer can’t be “having a baby to look after”, if he has so many already and has never pulled his act together.

He isn’t just unsupportive of you, he is actively a drain on your money, your time, and your emotions. A secret family? How much bigger a bombshell could he drop on you after marriage, let alone at 37 weeks pregnant?

I’m usually all for trying to make marriages work, but I think you’re setting yourself up for a world of despair if you get back together with him, unfortunately.

He’ll spend more of your money. He won’t help you with the baby. You’ll waste days and months and years of your life hoping that he’ll change, when every indication is he’s had multiple chances to change and has never, ever taken them. I’m afraid you need to cut your losses on this one.

Why did you marry this man?? Do not give him any more money

He probably looks sad/devastated as he is worried you're not going to keep helping him pay his debts. He didn't show you any concern when you were in hospital did he?

He is using you. By his own admission has been planning to leave you. You're convenient and helpful to him. You can do better. He will keep getting you into debt. Sell your house and walk away otherwise he will just drag you down.

You feel sorry for him, but does he feel sorry for you? Not that it matters. If you stay with him you will be forever working your backside off to pay off his latest round of debt. Only now you'll be trying to look after a baby too. You would be so much better off on your own.

OP this is never going to get better. He is never going to change. Grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted to have and the life you thought you were creating but move on. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. And no matter how hard it feels to leave him now, this is the easiest it will ever be. Please for yours and the baby's sake, don't stay with him.

Thank you everyone for your reply. I don't think it helps that I feel so vulnerable being pregnant at the moment.
Before all of this, other than the debts we had been what I thought was a good couple. I am good to him and I did feel loved by him.
When we got married I assumed it would be a forever relationship and I felt in love. He has been showing me love and affection and then all of a sudden he just changed. He seems angry, upset and so distant.
His Mum sent me a message saying he is devastated because I don't trust him. When I explained everything to her regarding the build up to checking his phone she simply replied with 'poor you'.
I feel crushed from all aspects of this and I don't know what I have done to deserve it. I know this sounds like a woe is me post but it is the truth.
I just want to be loved and respected and I don't feel any of that.
xxx

I feel a little better having got all this off of my chest so simply want to thank people for letting me vent a little.
xxx

This post made me so utterly miserable on your behalf.

You've been taken for a mug. You have zero boundaries and this man has exploited you so very badly.

Have you ever watched Drop Dead Fred? That film just came to mind while reading your post.

OP, you're a doormat. This man you're with? He is in a long term con and you are his latest victim.

I'm so sorry for all you've sunk into this relationship. Just get out while you can.

there is no way the "friend" is innocent. He's shagged around fathering babies all his life . You're just the latest victim but you're also his cash cow so he won't want you to leave .

He has done nothing to show you or this baby any concern, let alone love . He's let you work through pregnancy with sever sickness, to fund his wants , his greed and his debt , he's lied by omission as has his family , and he's shagging behind your back.

He is an absolute deadbeat . You must be in so much shock right now but you will never make it work with this man . You will waste years , more money , he doesn't deserve any more chances .

You need to look after yourself now and your baby.

What has your mum and family said ? I know what I'd be saying.

Don't speak to him at all . Get some legal advice . Do t let him reel you back in with false promises. Please .

Your plan to downsize and try to make it work is a recipe for disaster I'm afraid OP, it's fairly obvious to the outside observer that he will do exactly the same again and run up shedloads of debt whilst dangling you on a piece of string waiting for him to step up and be a decent partner/father. It's basically that Einstein (?) quote that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, he's shown you who and what he is, please listen. You deserve much more than a life of wondering and worrying about hidden debt and other women and that's all he seems to have to offer, you can do better

Stop communicating with him. Stop giving him money. Go see a solicitor.

You are much better off on your own.

Don't trust his mum. She will not be on your side. Her loyalty is to her son.

As another poster has said grieve for the life you expected and then plan to get out. He has form with debt and being an unreliable husband and father and it is very unlikely he will change. He has blamed one of his wives for his debt. He can't see why he should wait for things. He sounds like a six year old and not a thirty six year old man.

Listen to what he accuses you of. Being childish. There is a concept in psychology called projection. It can give you insight into an unreflective mind. Bullies accuse their victims of bullying. Abusers use DARVO. A man child has told you who he is. This may be psycho babble but look at what he does. He takes and runs and blames. However charming he is profoundly selfish.

Grieve and talk to a family solicitor.

DO NOT SEND HIM ANY MORE MONEY.
RUN

RUN NOW.

He isn’t going to change.
He tells you he wants to spend what he wants to and doesn’t want to be controlled. He sounds quite immature.

If he wants to spend whatever he wants then it has nothing to do with you.

If you divorce then make sure no one can access the money from the house before a judge has decided what percentage is yours you might get more than 50%

You need enough to put a roof over your head.
Use the money from the sale of the house to buy a small flat for you and your child (Friend started off in a tiny studio with her little one) and start again

Stay and he will have you working all hours to pay for his lifestyle.

LTB