Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

This man is a vampire, he is sucking all the good out of you, money and emotionally and is leaving you skint and empty.

You need to prioritise you and the baby and that means drawing a line under this mess and moving on.

Sell the house, split the money and get as much as possible - you must prioritise your baby’s well being over his debt. Get the CSA claim in and prepare to be a single mum.

If you are in any doubt, think of how he treated you when you were sick carrying his child in hospital. It doesn’t matter what his mum said. It might not even be true, she is probably used to spinning things on his behalf. He is the kind of man that has dc he doesn’t see and lies to you about them. This isn’t a good man or a good father.

Give the child your surname and I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate.

Its ok to grieve for what you thought you had, but please see the situation as it really is, not as you want it to be.

They are married, he will automatically have parental responsibility. Any child born within a marriage is assumed to be legitimate and that automatically gives him responsibility to the baby.

Don't do it OP! You are being a mug. If and when, many months if not years from now, he has demonstrated that he can behave like a grown up then maybe you might consider taking him back but not now. He's a child. Not fit to be a dad to one never mind 6 or whatever it is. Shame on him. Get out now.

I’m so sorry.
Don’t blame yourself, this could happen to anyone. This almost happened to me but luckily I got away in time because I saw a therapist who helped me see things as they were. It can really happen to anyone.
Don’t give him a penny more. Let your mum and sister and friends support you through this birth. You’re going to be fine.
If you try to sustain this fantasy of the perfect life with him, at some point it’s going to come crashing down again. He’s not honest. Honesty is the bedrock of a marriage.
all the best of luck.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

The feeling will pass. You’ll actually feel much better on the other side, with your baby. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. It makes no odds ( you can still get child maintenance, passports, the child is his etc) but he can’t shaft you further.

@Colouringaddict You're right.

I hate to say it, but his ex is right - he's used you as a source of money to fund his vasectomy reversal and a new life for himself. He could have prioritised his existing children and chose not to, which is a pretty good indicator along with everything else you've said here that he's not going to prioritise your child.

I agree with previous posters that now is the time to stop all these shenanigans and get your own life in order.
Soon your baby will be here (congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way) and once they've arrived, they've got nobody in the world but you, their amazing mum, to protect them, provide for them, and love them like nothing on earth. Just think about the energy you're putting into a grown man to try and get his life on course despite his best efforts to mess it up, and think about what you could do for your child with that energy, drive and love!

They're going to be so lucky to have you as a mum, and if you look at this situation from that perspective, it might help you to reframe your partner's position in their life. Will he add or detract from their life, in terms of both the value he brings, and the energy and resources he requires from you that you won't be able to give your child? If you feel he might detract from their life in any way, then you might find the strength you need there to remove him from the situation.
You're an extremely switched on woman and I think you wouldn't knowingly and willingly take anything from your baby. Just imagine - this extra debt he keeps running up - in the long run it's going to steal directly from your child's lunchbox, and stop them having holidays, going to clubs and sports, and all sorts of things they should be able to have if you weren't allowing him to bleed you dry. To him you're a wife, and one of a few, but to your baby, there is nobody in the entire world who is as important as you, and they rely on you completely to make good choices and put them first.
Putting a stop to this relationship now secures your child's future.

Good morning OP, I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Today is the first day of the new, stronger you.

I agree with all the posters who say you have a lot going for you and your baby, you’re kind, compassionate, hard-working, loving. All these things will benefit you in this new chapter.

I know it takes strength to walk away from a bad situation but this is what you must do 💐

This.

He is the lowest scum.

You have a choice now to put your baby first and make the best success of your life or be dragged into the gutter with your child.

He is swamp life.

How are you this morning, OP?

Of course this is incredibly painful for you. Very shocking, and to blind that someone you love and trusted can cheat, lie and use you is very brutal.

Never mind what his Mum thinks, she is on his side and has doubtless protected him from the consequences of his own actions all his life. E.g their money used to pay off his debts! She will say anything to try and make sure that he gets his way, and he will manipulate her so that she does that.

What does your Mum think? Have you told her everything?

Of course you feel vulnerable because you are pregnant , and because the vision of your life has been torn apart.

The horrible truth is you will be more vulnerable if you return to him. He tells you lies , big lies. He cheats (yes he was cheating with Wednesday woman), he will continue to get into debt because he has always done it and has insulted you, called you childish etc, because you want to be responsible. Meanwhile he watches his pregnant wife work herself into the ground, and literally pissed the money away.

A life lived like that, when you have a child to care for, is extremely vulnerable. You will have no control over your ability to keep the roof over your child’s head secure. And you will be living with a man who gives you no support or love as you work like a hamster on a wheel to keep ahead of the debt.

Meanwhile, you are a hard working resourceful woman with a good job and an understanding of how to build a life. You have a good and strong family. Countless women have made a brilliant job of single parenthood.

Find your pride and your anger.

Oh, and forget worrying about ‘poor him’. He’s survived his role in ruining two other people’s lives, why would he be in any more ‘depression’ than you? He’s manipulating you. His Mum can support him!

Is it one woman or more than one woman? (Women is plural and that’s what you keep saying) Not that it really matters though. You need to stop feeling sorry for him, he’s acting like a total shit and taking all your money. You need to think about yourself and your baby. I’d cut and run before it’s too late. Sell the house and get yourself something smaller. You may even get more of the equity, given that you have the baby. Disclaimer, not legally trained so don’t know this for certain.

I’m so sorry that you got targeted by this cruel man. He’s been treating you really badly for a long time. I think you assumed he was nice because you are, and yes that is very naive. I don’t understand how you didn’t see the truth as the second load of debt built up, or why you didn’t go mental and insist he send it back when expensive stuff arrived that you didn’t need and couldn’t afford. You have accepted his version of reality for a long time instead of seeing clearly, honouring your own values and taking charge of your life. This was never an equal relationship and he doesn’t love or respect you at all.

BUT, you’re clearly a very kind hardworking caring person, you have a good career, it sounds like you’ve got great family support, you’re still young and you’re about to have a lovely baby! Enjoy the rest of your life and don’t look back.

“This man is a vampire, he is sucking all the good out of you, money and emotionally and is leaving you skint and empty.

You need to prioritise you and the baby and that means drawing a line under this mess and moving on.

Sell the house, split the money and get as much as possible - you must prioritise your baby’s well being over his debt. Get the CSA claim in and prepare to be a single mum.

If you are in any doubt, think of how he treated you when you were sick carrying his child in hospital. It doesn’t matter what his mum said. It might not even be true, she is probably used to spinning things on his behalf. He is the kind of man that has dc he doesn’t see and lies to you about them. This isn’t a good man or a good father.”

This and this:

“You're an extremely switched on woman and I think you wouldn't knowingly and willingly take anything from your baby. Just imagine - this extra debt he keeps running up - in the long run it's going to steal directly from your child's lunchbox, and stop them having holidays, going to clubs and sports, and all sorts of things they should be able to have if you weren't allowing him to bleed you dry. To him you're a wife, and one of a few, but to your baby, there is nobody in the entire world who is as important as you, and they rely on you completely to make good choices and put them first.

Putting a stop to this relationship now secures your child's future.”

I was wrong about your ages in my previous post (thought you were 25 and 36 now) but the point stands, I think, that he intentionally went for someone relatively young and inexperienced who was more likely to accept his account of things.

As for loving him - that’s not enough. He’s got to be worthy of your love and he isn’t. He only loves himself. You will love your baby more and this guy has shown that he isn’t going to make a good father who will deplete you and take from his own child. Please move on without him.

Oh and by the way, if he’s already left 5 kids, guaranteed he’ll leave your kid anyway and not pay maintenance. Especially considering the ones he didn’t even tell you about. No offence but why would you be the one to change him? I was the first of three women that my ex had kids with and he treated us all the same. I don’t know why number 2 and 3 didn’t look at how everyone else had been treated.

@thisisme3322 so sorry you are going through this. What do your friends and family really think of him ? Do they seem less suprised than you, that things have turned out this way ?

Love is not a fuzzy romantic feeling. Love is an act, expressed in all the ways soemone treats you. From the very beginning he has lied to you. Lied to you about the number of children he has. He has taken money you worked hard to earn and used it to pay off his debts. He has made promises to you then broken them. None of this is love.

You sound caring and loyal and true, but the other person needs to recipocrate otherwise it is just exploitation and abuse. Run far away from him, OP. Get support from people you can trust to support you. Perhaps also work with a therapist to reset your ideas about what a loving relationship looks and feels like.

Everything that has been said on this thread is spot on, especially those saying that this guy targeted you specifically, not because he loves you, but because you were young, naive and an earner. You are his cash cow, and he will milk you til you are dry if you let him.

You are about to become a mum. Keeping that kid safe and secure will become your number one priority. As long as you are with this scam artist, you are putting your childs security at risk.

Gather as much paperwork as you can now (bank accounts, debts, pensions etc). Give yourself the first 12 weeks to just be with your baby. Then get some legal advice, and cut this fucker out of your life like the cancer he is.

You need to make the decision to put you and your child first, and then just do it.

He does not love you.
He is not depressed.
He is having an affair.
He is using you for money.
His mother totally enables him.
He will never be a good father.
He will damage your child, he will spend money meant for your child, he will create debt that will threaten your childs security.

He will bleat, whine and plead for you to take him back, just so he can milk you some more.
He will tell you he is depressed, he will change, go to counselling.
He will tell you anything and everything he thinks you want to hear.
You cannot believe a single word that comes out of his gob.

You need to erase him from your life, rebuild and move on.

Flogging a dead horse.

Sorry OP It sounds to me like he has a gambling addiction. Speaking from experience I advise you financially cut yourself off from him ASAP.

Find your anger OP, in the nicest possible way you sound like a wet blanket, admittedly it could be the pregnancy hormones. Give yourself time away from manipulation man, have your baby, spend time bonding and cocooning in your Mum's house and then emerge from the other side stronger and focused. How dare he treat you like this.

Dear OP, I can only echo what PPs have said.

He seems "depressed" to you but that's because he's actually dead inside. He has no humanity to him at all - there is no light inside him. He is just dead, dull and dark.

I wish you all the courage in the world as you prepare to leave this base and cowardly bastard.

You are being way too soft with him. You will pay off his debt ( again) and he will walk away. He is not going to commit to you and this child.
Sell the house and take back EVERY penny you put into it. His debt is not your debt.
You will have to bring your child up alone —- he’s going to run anyway so you may as well start off alone.
He’s done this before, and he’ll do it again. His vasectomy reversal is so that he claim he only did it for you, you pressurised him, you made him do it. This is a man who takes no responsibility for himself, ever.

Is there anyway you can contact the mums of his other children? Hearing how this is clearly a pattern of behaviour may make your feelings of guilt subside and help you realise who he really is.

You don’t describe anything worth staying for. Imagine if your child is brought up witnessing your relationship and they replicate that in their life? When your baby is here your maternal instincts will ramp up and your overwhelming need to protect them may well change your perspective.

For now - try going no or low contact with him. Can you direct him through your mum/siblings until baby is here? You need space and time - becoming a FTM is a massive, life changing moment and that should be your focus - enjoy every moment and don’t let him take any more joy from it!

Your money is your energy, effort and intention transformed into tangible form. It makes me so sad on your behalf that he had thought nothing of wasting what is essentially your life on inconsequential rubbish, and had the audacity to throw it back in your face.

You seem such a genuine, caring person, and I am so sorry this idiot has taken advantage of you so completely.
Please don't go down the "we've come this far, there's got to be something to salvage" rabbit hole. He has done nothing to earn your further support or care.
Your baby, on the other hand, I wish you two so much joy and peace, managing beautifully on your own.

Please bin this man. Don't put yourself through anymore confusion or uncertainty focus on your baby and yourself. He does not deserve you.