Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

You asked if you are being a mug. To put it bluntly, yes you are.

It is his debt, not yours.

They are his babies.

He is shagging around and you don't have the self-respect to tell him to F off.

What are we supposed to do for you if you won't do it for yourself and your unborn child? Register for CMS as soon as possible but don't expect to receive a penny from him. He doesn't care.

Contact a solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

All you can do now is prevent this wolf from taking the last of your money and protecting your child. Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

He will NEVER change re money! Even now he doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. This miserable existence will be your life if you stay with him. Please, please leave him.

You're describing the actions of a grifter, a con man.

He is conning you out of your money while shagging around and putting other women in the same position.

Please, please speak to a therapist so you can learn for yourself because YES, you are naive and a complete mug.

He is taking advantage of your incredibly kind and giving nature. He will bleed you dry till you are nothing but a husk.

Run girl.

I'm so sorry, OP, but now your priority should be the child you are expecting.

Don't worry about him. He has his mother who thinks the sun shines out of his ass, and his married lady friend with the shoulders he cries on, plus all his golf buddies to distract him. He doesn't need you. Which is great because you need to focus on looking after yourself and your baby.

Stop talking to his mother for a start.

He is sad you don't trust him...... right. Leave him alone for a few weeks and let him deal with his issues.

Concentrate on your baby and your wellbeing.

I understand where everyone is coming from. It is just so hard time comprehend that I have been with a man for 6 years and have not know him.
I feel totally at a loss. I work hard, I am loyal and caring towards him, I come from a good family with good morals. I just feel like this is not the path I was expecting my life to take.
I know it is happening and I need to come to terms with it but it has just come at a complete shock and at a very difficult time. I did not imagine going through all this with my first baby alone.

I should mention that he does see the 3 children from the second marriage as much as he can. and we have them around for a week at a time (they live over 3 hours away so cant just pop over for the weekend) . I see him being a good dad to them when he is with them.
It is just the first 2 children he does not see and I did not know about them and the first marraige.

Though he has not been seeing them in the past few months since his ex wife found out I was pregnant. He said she has been telling the children that their Dad has enough money to get married to me and have a vasectomy reversal but not to see them. Even though most of this has been paid by myself.

Everything is such a mess!
xxx

Oh op. For your baby’s sake, stop this mess now.

You are being a mug sorry OP. He's actively left out he has another 2 children on top of the 3 he admits. He won't have a pot to piss in with all the child maintenance claims. Sell the house live at your mum's , apply to the council for housing if you can't afford a property. Be prepared to parent alone this man is not a good man please don't give him anymore chances.

You seem really decent and I am so sorry you've been treated this way. You've done nothing to deserve this, no one deserves to be treated like this. It must be so difficult and heartbreaking and confusing to find yourself in this situation, with a baby on the way. I would try to focus solely on baby and you right now. It'll be tough for you to think clearly for a while. Surround yourself with supportive, loving, steadfast people. It's going to be hard but you will come through it.

I am struggling to see any positives in this man. Can you remind me what he brings to the table other than sperm?

Seriously, you owe it to your child not to waste any more time on this scammer, sleezebag and gaslighter.

Forget the potential other woman, she's not relevant here.

Relevant:

This man does not care about you, he only cares about himself.

There is multiple evidence of this, in his racking up debts you will have to pay off, in you paying off debts he already had, in him lying to you, in him ditching you when you need him, in him treating you in a vile manner...

He hasn't changed, I would bet the previous debts were ones HE ran up himself not some previous wife or girlfriend. He may seem like a good father but its easy to do that if you only see the kids for a weekend once in a while - the signs are all there that he is NOT a good father at all.

What he wants is you tied to him so you'll keep providing the money, but not challenging him on what he does with it, where he goes, who he is with, you'll earn the cash and raise the kid and keep the house, giving him security when he wants it, and total freedom the rest of the time.

Get out now.
Get your money out now.

Stay the hell away from this user.

Get as far away from him as you can & don't look back, he is a nightmare that will keep on coming back again & again. To be honest I would have the baby & not put his name on the BC, he doesn't deserve to be a father. I would wait until you have been married long enough & serve him divorce papers. If you get back in your home, do your detective work & get all the financial information you can to present to a solicitor when you file for divorce.

You sound like a fantastic wife, you really care for him and are so understanding.

But you have you a cocklodger.

You and your baby deserve better than him.

To him all you are is a Nurse With A Purse.

He is projecting and he is probably the one than caused dent in his previous marriage.

This will not get better

I am going to be harsh here but it's time for you to grow up. My feeling is that you though this man was wonderful, you may have wanted a baby and he saw you as his main chance.
So he had the snip reversal, got married and you got pregnant.

He is 36 and already had 3 children that you knew about. Why did you get involved with a man who already had 3 kids?
So you got a house with him and he went on a spending spree with your earnings helping him to get loans. Then you found out this is marriage number 2 for him. Along with this he has 2 other children that he never sees and probably gives the mother of these kids no money either.

He is 36 years of age. He already has 5 kids with 2 different woman. He acts like a child who thinks you like his mammy giving him pocket money. He just wants you their to fund the lifestyle he cannot afford.
He left you working long hours when you were pregnant and sick to help pay off his debits.
He is cheating on you with another married woman. He really does not care about you or his next baby which is his 6th child.

But your going to run back to him, help pay of his debits and sell the house to do this.
I just want to tell you that you need to stop being a mug, get legal advice and get away from this man. Sell the house you own with him, get the money you put into the deposit or house back and get a divorce from him. Put in a CMS claim as soon as the baby is born but I would not be to hopeful of getting any money off him.

The reality is that your with a man who only cares about himself and has left a trail of kids behind him. He has walked all over you and he will keep using you if you let him.
You may end up staying in your mother's for a while until you get things sorted out but don't go back to this man. Your life will just end up in a bigger mess than it currently is and it not fair to put a child through this.

This is clearly patterned behaviour op he's targeted you. Don't stay and fall pregnant again the man is a cheat and a con artist to boot.

Unfortunately you've been targeted by a serial con artist.
He's a liar, cheat, thief, who abandoned some of his children.
Don't confide in his mum anymore. She is not on your side.

See a solicitor. Sell the house and use the proceeds to start a new life with your DC. Separate your finances. Leave the debts he has run up for him to pay. I suspect he won't as he'll charm his way into finding another mug to pay for him.

It feels awful, I ended up at my parents when my baby was 7 months because of that kind of behaviour just without the debt. I moved into my own place but continued with the relationship because I was worried about being on my own with the baby.

I ended it completely after a year as the behaviour continued. He know does this with his now wife. Save yourself further heartache. I wish I’d called it a day when I moved out he wasn’t even worthy of being in my life.

It's also being a shit parent living 3 hrs away from his 3 dc and not even having a relationship with his other two. The man is telling you who he is. I suspect his other 2 ex wife's will have similar stories. Was this man your first boyfriend you seem to have been caught hook line and sinker.

Your H is having an affair.

The woman he is having the affair with isn't ready to take him in right now so he has invented an existential crisis to play for time. And is he really sad that you don't trust him? No, he's laughing at you for being so naive, while waiting for the green light from the other woman. He is a manipulative low life.

Your H purposefully deceived you about the number of children he has and the number of women he has been married to in order to present himself as an ordinary man who has just been slightly more unlucky in love than your average Joe.
He is in fact a serial adulterer and sponger, a user. He has a mother who is either actively enabling him or phenomenally stupid.

He has no contact with two of the children because their mother is still angry with him for leaving her saddled with massive debt and paying nothing toward the children's support.
Alternately, he left them with no warning and is not traceable, a situation enabled by his mother.

Do you have proof that this waste of space ever had a vasectomy? Or did he blow the vasectomy reversal money you gave him on some other woman?
Do you have any proof apart from what he has told you about the real reason his three acknowledged children do not visit any more?
Has he stiffed his ex wife for child support because he's paying for dinners and fancy lingerie for the woman he's having the affair with?
Has he told her he can't see the children because he has 'work'?

Stop paying for his adulterous lifestyle.

Get in touch with your bank immediately. Find out exactly what the state of any joint account is.

Set up your own separate bank account if you don't already have one. Put your entire paycheque into your own account every time you get paid.

How do the two of you currently pay joint household bills?
Who pays for food and sundries?

Who is responsible for making the mortgage payments or is it done by direct debit?
Are payments up to date?
How about home insurance?

Run a credit check on your H. Find out all credit cards and personal loans.
Do a credit check on yourself. Look for anything suspicious.

You need to salvage your own credit score and the only way to do this is by filing for divorce ASAP.

Get a solicitor. Ask how quickly you can be divorced. Ask about the birth cert - does this man have to be put on it if you have filed for divorce? Ask about selling your house - how quickly can this be done, and how would the money you have put in be safeguarded.

So, you were 19 and he was 30 with high high debts and you helped pay them off? This is because no woman of his age would do it. The red flags 🚩 were flown and they saw them. A man with a huge amount of debt that he put on his ex-wife is not attractive. He absolutely should have been working his ass off to have paid it off himself without you contributing. That is what a man does. Not have his girlfriend that is 15 yrs his junior do.

I am sorry to say, you were way easier to manipulate than someone older. You are his sugar momma. No true man would do this. He is a con man.

I know this from experience from a bit older. I am as conned by someone around 12-13 yrs older and I was vulnerable. I thankfully wasn’t taken to much. It put me through hell though.

please, get therapy. Stop giving him any money. It’s not normal what he is doing. Once out of heavy debt most people will do anything to strive to stay out of it. Being in heavy debt is miserable

So sorry you’re going through this op. Everything everyone has said on this thread is correct, you need to get out. It’s going to take you a few more nights to sleep on it until you can really reconcile to that though.

You will ruin your life if you stay with this man.

He is taking you for a mug, Op. He is a serial cheater. He is dishonest. He has no self control with money. He is a terrible father to his born and unborn children. You were incredibly young when you got together. Please leave him. He will suck your life dry.

Run…seriously. No way things will ever get better with this guy. I am so sorry. You sound amazingly strong though and you will thrive without him bringing you down once you get boast this hurt. Life is long—look to the horizon.