Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

While it may be true that his ex wife left him in a lot of debt, it sounds like he was responsible for being in debt.

My ExH would say the same about me, but the reality was that I was working more and more hours and unable to buy food for our child, because he was constantly treating himself to things.

He will continue to get into debt. That is aside from the other alarming issues. I'm so sorry for you OP, but I don't think there is any way you can stay with him. I think you need to divorce him ASAP before he gets into any more debt.

Go back home though, it is your house too, don't hand it over to him.

I agree, don’t trust his mum.

it is in her interest for him to stay with you.

She would not want him boomeranging back to her house

Yeah and his debt his problem. He will never change. I have a friend who 10 years later is still paying off debt an ex got her into…

He is right, you don't deserve him. You deserve much better.

He is 36 with 2 ex wives, 6 children, 2 he hid and a 7th on the way and recurrently gets into debt and he won't take any responsibility for money. H

Really, you deserve much better.

Extricate yourself so you and your child can have a better life.

Run. Far and fast. Do not go back.

He is a 'shell of a man' because he's realised that his comfy life where you pay off all his debts and allow him to behave exactly as he wants is at risk. He's terrified that he's going to lose you - not because he has genuine feelings for you, but because he needs someone to fund his lifestyle and his ego.

You are clearly hardworking; use that hard work to set you and your baby up for YOUR life; not pay off the debts for his. It won't be easy in the short term, but will be save you years of heartache in the long term if you leave him now.

Prioritise youself and your baby. I had a very similar exhusband - I lost my house and was left with huge debts. 15 years later the kids and I are just about out of it, but it has been a much longerr road than it should have been, much of it due to the fact, that i did not recognise how my own co-dependency kept me walking into trouble. Do not engage any further with his debt, go to therapy, secure the house, lean on your mum.and leave him.

Honestly OP, it doesn't matter whether he's having an affair or this woman is just a friend. The things you do know for sure are serious enough on their own to end this relationship.

A person who can lie about something as significant as a previous wife and two kids will lie to you about anything. It is impossible to trust this man.

You'll never be debt free if you stay with him. He has completely different principles to you in terms of spending money and that won't change.

He is not a kind man. He treats you badly and won't admit he's in the wrong.

Set against all these negatives, the ONLY reason to stay with him is that you don't want a failed marriage. That's not enough of a reason to stay with this loser who will drag you down with him.

He will do this again and again. He is a worthless scum bag. Get a legal separation ASAP so your finances are separate.
He cannot be trusted ever and he couldn't give a shit about you or the baby.
It's time to put your big girl pants on and move on alone. He will never make a family with you. Those are idle dreams and you need to come back to earth really quickly.
Goodwick and good luck with the baby. I did it alone and you can do it.

When I met my exh I was financially secure, not that I didn’t like debt but I was in a great place financially. he had a lot of debt, reflecting now I dont actually understand why (he lived at home, had a good job) I helped manage his finances and got everything sorted so we could buy a house. Our relationship financially was never equal…..he paid house keeping to cover his side of the bills, all of which I paid and managed. Even when on mat leave he still paid only the same house keeping, I was responsible for making it work, mostly from saving my spare cash for mat leave. At the end of our 10+ year marriage we had lots of debt, in my name because I managed everything. I absorbed all that debt in the divorce and after selling the family home last year, may have monetarily left with more equity, but once the debt had been cleared. Something I did with my equity (wanted to be debt free) had less actual money left. I look after our 4 children 99% of the time, he now begrudgingly pays child support which he regularly tells me drains him financially, he rents a room in a house with very little outgoing apart from petrol to get to work. And is skint! Lives one month to the next, borrows from his mum….I know this not because I’m bothered but because he plays the wo is me card frequently after 3 years of separation! I also know that he has squandered the majority of the equity he received even though he was adamant he would be buying a house for him and the kids.
The reasons why… he drinks, smokes and gambles.
i now realise he would never have changed, no matter how hard I worked and I’m a driven and determined person, financially we would never have excelled.
my response to you, don’t waste anymore time on this man, don’t lose yourself over the years of supporting him to stand up, because 1 day you’ll realise that it was all a waste and you’ll need to start again, because your hopes and dreams never disappear they just get buried xxxx good luck

Shame you’ve wasted 55k on a total loser but your best bet would be to divorce , get a good solicitor to try and get as much of that 55 k back that you can. He will treat you like shit for ever. Cut ties now.

he doesn’t see his first two kids? He’s not a good man. But hopefully he won’t bother with yours either and then you never have to see him again.

I'm sorry to say that the best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour. This man has done nothing to show he would love, support and care for you and your baby.

OP he’s a liar and a cheat playing the mental health card to excuse his despicable actions. If you go back you’re setting go yourself up for a lifetime of misery and debt. Set higher aspirations for you and your innocent child and leave.

I speak from experience btw.

OP, do the second family of three children (how old are they, by the way?) know about the first two children - that they have half -siblings? Or did he pull the same trick there and not mention them?

I am very sorry that you have uncovered such appalling treachery and deceit. But better to have found out now than later when your lives are even more enmeshed. You are still young and you have a great family support system of your own. That gives you options to create a different, new and healthier, lovelier future for yourself without this toxic man in it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this - especially whilst pregnant. I would honestly start planning for your own house and look towards your future without him (and I never say that lightly on here!). You are signing yourself up to a life of debt and misery.
You sound lovely and you deserve to be happy with your baby. When your house is sold, can you buy somewhere nearer to your family?
At this stage, it doesn’t really matter if you feel sorry for your dh, don’t let those feelings overwhelm how you feel now. He will not change and this is going to be your future.

Please, please do not go back and do not clean up anymore of his messes.

Sell the house, let him deal with his debt and also being a father to all his children and you focus on yourself and your baby.

Please do not continue with him. He needs to change for himself, not for anyone else. Your priority is your wellbeing and that of your baby. Please take a break from him and then reavulate in 6 months. If he wants to, he'll fight for you.

Personally it sounds like he goes from woman to woman, fabricates a reality based on who he thinks the other person wants him to be but of course that isn't his true nature. As time goes on he can't sustain it and the real him surfaces and he shuts down, walks away and starts again.

Do not keep any financial ties with him. Sell the house. If you can afford the mortgage on your own and he's willing, tell him to leave. Or again if possible, pay him off based on deposit/limited equity. Rally round your family and his, say what is happening and see if people can help. Tell HIM to go and live at his Mums for a while.

Everything everyone else has said plus this:

“So, you were 19 and he was 30 with high high debts and you helped pay them off? This is because no woman of his age would do it. The red flags 🚩 were flown and they saw them. A man with a huge amount of debt that he put on his ex-wife is not attractive. He absolutely should have been working his ass off to have paid it off himself without you contributing. That is what a man does.”

He has exploited you from the word go. If you had been older, an 11 year age gap wouldn’t be that big a deal but a 30 yo shouldn’t be dating a teenager. He pursued you because your lack of life experience meant you accepted his bullshit, were willing to bail him out and trusted him where a more experienced woman would not.

After all what you have managed out of sheer determination I would suggest you walk away from him, you and your child will have far more happiness and stability on your own than trying to make a responsible caring father of someone who lives beyond his means, cheats and lies.

Honestly OP, you can do this, you have been doing it for years already. You will feel much lighter once he is gone and the shock wears off. You are very young as well, I’m sure there is happier life ahead of you if you leave this guy.

Please PLEASE cut your losses on this one. I realise being very pregnant and married it will be a difficult decision but

• he's a liar
• he's cheating on you
• he's financially abusing you
• he's not going to change

sell that house and take your money and RUN

I would bet this behaviour is exactly why he’s already had 2 unsuccessful marriages! Run!

would you be able to move on and trust him? He’s lied multiple times!

There is no way this women is just a friend, you should of taken her number or replied on that message!

He will constantly be the same with money and you’ll always be left picking up after him! You will probably end up resentful and unhappy. Your child will pick up on that!

Dear OP even if you could magically sort everything out you will never be able to trust him again, and that is no way to live. Look after yourself and your baby and get him out of your lives xx

This will be your life. You will always be in dept going crazy working overtime and paying it off while he accumulates more. On top of that he is a liar having affairs.

Stay with your mum
Divorce
Sell the house
Pay off the debt
Build something with your child
Never look back

Oh dear. I've been married to someone like that and because we had a child early on I stayed with him for years. He'd been married 3 times before and had 4 children by 2 of them who he never saw. He was still married to no 3 when we met, no children with her and they'd only been married 2 yrs. He'd started being unfaithful to her almost straight away with - wife no 2! We met, he targeted me, I was on the rebound and stupidly ignored my friends who could see he was dodgy. I'm sure he targeted me because he knew I was a high earner (and a sucker). He was a classic narcissist, gift of the gab, utterly charming, but ultimately totally irresponsible, a coercive controller, etc. My problems really started just before we had our first baby. I had my own home when we met and a really good job, but I was left penniless and had my home repossessed because of the debts. I regret it so much. Please, please get out now...

I am the child of a father like this. And trust me, he will not change.

You deserve better OP. Have some self respect and believe in yourself x

He is a 42 year old con man who doesn't love you, but sees you as his meal ticket whilst he is out there hooking up with other women. You would be so much better off without him, financially and mentally. You sound like a lovely person who trusts too much, but you will find someone else who treats you right.