Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

If it is only his then please please don't give him the equity from the house to pay it off.

This is excellent advice. By selling your current house and using part of the proceeds to pay off his debt (from what, overspending? Drinking £500 in a weekend???!!) you are diminishing your capital at a time when you need to build it up. Why downsize when you will have a child to accommodate.

Don’t get caught up in the idea of trying to recover the relationship because you’ve already invested so much. Throwing good money after bad, as they say.

This man is a serial cheater and liar. Having children he doesn’t see is a huge red flag.

You’re worth more than this.

He won't change. People are either good with money. Or aren't. And if they are happy to let other manage the financiers then that is a good arrangement. But he is clearly selfish. Wants what he wants regardless of the consequences. His actions speak louder than words here. He is showing you loud and clear here with his behaviour.

Choose your next steps wisely.

I’ve done it alone too and I am so glad I kicked my awful ex to the curb before she was 2. It was a struggle at times but she’s is almost 9 and we have nice life, she is only exposed to my ex a couple of times a week. She doesn’t know conflict, drama and a toxic relationship and for that I am proud of myself.

I'm almost hoping that you're not actually married!

Now that you're away I would stay away tbh.

He was never a good prospect & that isn't likely to change.

You are worth some much more than this, OP. Get out while you can. You are young and resilient and can build a fabulous life for you and baby. You will meet someone worthy of you.

I’m going to be blunt

Look at what you have sacrificed for love - overtime, debt, trust, lied to, taken advantage of, he’s taken your money your trust and now your future.

Do not feel sorry for this man he only wants a woman to serve him and you’ve been doing that just fine. He has made you belive he loves you, he has found another victim and is lining her up to leave you. Only your timing wasn’t right. He was waiting for the baby and Christmas to pass before dumping this on you.

Even now he has you feeling sorry for him so your kindness will leave him with half the house and half the debts - he doesn’t love you and probably never has. Anyone can write messages and tell someone they love them.

You need to walk away with as much as you can carry and see a solicitor and get out without debt and get your own place.

I have a friend in this situation, exactly the same character, same debts same love bombing, even having affairs that he blames her for!!

Leave him.

You're keeping his bank account warm whilst he's keeping someone else's bed warm

Stay at your Mums and divorce him asap

OP you are a hugely competent woman. You have your head screwed on and can both work hard and manage finances. You are clearly empathic too. You are absolutely capable of caring for your baby without him in the daily picture. You don't need him.

But you want him and you say there's love. Well, love is not enough for a marriage to work. That's a fairy tale we're sold. A marriage needs respect. And your DH has none for you. He, however, is quite ok in this marriage. You're understanding - or figuring out ways to be understanding- of all his awful behaviours. You work and save to pay his debts. He even got money from your mother! He's hit the jackpot emotionally and financially with you.

It's no surprise that now you're at the end of the pregnancy he's distant: after 5 other kids he knows your attention will have to be on the baby. He's used to your focus revolving around him. And he's being a man-child in one of the most awful ways I've ever heard.

Do what you want, but do not expect him to change. This is who you married. If you want this life for your child, remain with him. If you want to live with this feeling that you need to give a bit more, be a bit more understanding, earn a bit more etc and then things will be fine, stay with him.

If you want to give your child a happy mother, you cannot stay with him.

There is nothing in your relationship that is worth salvaging. The longer it goes on, the more you will be dragged down by him. You have enough red flags here for many lifetimes.

It just gets worse as the post goes on doesn't it?

He's a con man;he probably couldn't believe his luck finding a childless woman 11 years younger in her mid twenties who's willing to pay off his debts.

My ex SIL was married to a man like this;it's a long story but the outcome was that he stole their house with all its contents and moved in his OW before my ex SIL moved out and tried to get custody of the kids including the then two week old newborn for his own financial gain (so he could claim all the benefits).

There is no other recourse here other than divorce;you need to see a solicitor asap.

So you got him out of debt by working exhausting shifts during covid and whilst pregnant. He ran the debts back up and now you have to sell the house to pay the debts of again. The house you worked so hard to get . He’s been constantly lying to you, has multiple families who he doesn’t see or probably doesn’t support, youve sent him all your money so he can go out ‘drinking’ … and you feel sorry for him ?

wake up and leave . This is more than likely why he hasn’t made his other marriages/families work … he has a very bad history of this and it keeps repeating itself . You know what will happen if you stay

Do you have access to his bank statements? Have you checked if he is spending money on hotels on those nights he is supposedly staying at a friend's house?
He also says that the friend is married. Do you know that friend? Is she truly married or is he making it up so you back off? I.e. she is married so of course she is 100% devoted to her husband.

Nevertheless, OP, I can see you want to go back and not throw away 6 years of relationship, but the thing is why do you think things are going to get better?

They aren't. If anything they are going to get worse because now you will also have a newborn. Babies can break even the most solid of relationships! And that's sometimes with both partners doing their best and working together to battle through sleep deprivation.

In your case it sounds like your husband won't lift a finger to help you. Instead he is going to be out drinking, shagging, getting you into more debt and if you complain you will be accused of being controlling and that he is sooo tired of being a dad he needs a break.

Sadly I think she has left the thread.
I hope she is still reading though.
Run run run.

Congratulations on yourcvavy Op!
So sorry you have had to go through this while pregnant and unwell!

Unfortunately I believe he is having an affair I am very sorry, he even trued to hide his 1stc2 children from you, I would keep yourself and baby away from him..
Sounds like he has been spending your hard earned overtime cash!! Can he possibly have a gambling problem? Because that is alot of debt to be in and not the first time for him..
Could he be on drugs? That also can stop his feelings

I really hope you find someone you deserve and will be a great role model to your baby.. good luck op x

So you send him money which he spends on dating other women? He won't stop till he has financially ruined you. You are nothing more than a meal ticket to him. His mum is probably panicking hes going to end up living with her while he looks for his next cash cow.
Some counselling or therapy might help you understand why your self-worth is so low you are willing to put up with this.

He has taken you for an absolute fool OP, I'm so sorry. Do not give him any more money ever - keep it for your baby - think of the life you can give them with it - they deserve it more than he does. STOP talking to his Mam. Please don't go back to him, he'll ruin your life.

You need to protect yourself. His affair is not even the biggest problem. I understand that you love him and you are pregnant and feeling a hit vulnerable. But he will bankrupt you. You will never have money for anything and you'll end up with personal debt. He doesn't drive you to hospital, he doesn't pay for his existing children, he doesn't see some of his existing children at all. He lied to you and is somehow make out that you don't trust him, the liar?

You need to look out for you and the baby. He won't have money to pay his share of the baby if you are together and you'll end up having to pay for him. If you divorce, he won't pay child maintenance but at least you won't be spending your money on him. See a solicitor and figure out a way to protect yourself. It might include staying with him a bit longer to get everything in order. But it will not get better. If anything you'll find out more lies.

Yes, you are being a mug, and he is 100% right that you deserve better than this. He is using you to pay off his debts (or possibly drag you down so you end up in debt of your own and a single mother). Better to become a single mother who is not drowning in debt than to wait until you are drowning in debt before you accept the inevitable. You can’t fix him, he can only harm you, as he has harmed several women and children already.

Op, please don't go back. Divorce or all the debt he keeps making will always be half yours. You and your baby deserve better.

You’re 25, have a stable career, work hard and seem (other than your obsession with this idiot of a man) switched on. You’ve got so much going for you.

So how the hell do shitty men like him get hard working and loyal women like you to sacrifice so much for them?! And not just once, but three times (that you now know of anyway). It staggers me.

Don’t trust anything he or his Mum say. They are both self serving and she is always going to back her son up over a DIL.

As PP have stated, you need to legally separate so you’re not screwed over by his debt and so (hopefully) you’re a little protected if he tries to take more debt out using the house as collateral.

Make sure you get the house on the market asap and instruct the solicitor that the funds are to be split between you and remitted to separate bank accounts.

There is no “saving” this marriage. He’s not depressed, he’s just using you. I would bet he’s been using you for the last 6 years, just like he used his previous wives and will use the woman he’s currently shagging.

Sorry, but he’s taking you for a complete mug, and so is his family. He’s definitely having an affair, don’t let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise. His mother should have made him tell you about his first wife - it speaks volumes that she knew about it and you didn’t.
I believe he will screw you for every penny you have! You need to have a plan of action. First, return to the house and tell him to leave. Stop paying any debt that’s in his name. Don’t sell the house - you will need somewhere to bring up your baby. Apply for CMS when the baby arrives. And make sure everyone knows just what a lying bastard he is!

He is going to play the depressed card. But don’t you think that with 5 children from failed relationships he should have learnt something and would be fighting to make this third marriage and new chance at fatherhood work?

You sound mature. Despite being a decade older and with a whole load of life experience, he sounds like a waste of space.

Well we all know how this will play out OP.
To be brutal about it;
You will stay with him because you love him and prioritise him over your own well-being. This will drag you down mentally and physically for a few years and then your child is older and you will then find a reason to stay with him to prioritise the child (and him) over yourself because you don't want a 'broken home'. This will make you feel even worse and then you will either decide to leave, having wasted countless years of your life with a man who doesn't really love you, propping up a façade. Or, you will stay, continuing to prop up that façade until the day he or you die. All of that sounds utterly shit. Cause it is.

You could prevent all that by cashing in your chips and leaving now.
But you probably won't. Prove me wrong.

Jesus, there really is a script isn't there?

I have been where you are OP, although my babies were 2 weeks old and 6 months old respectively (yes, I stayed after the first time more fool me)

Racking up debt - yep
Claiming the OW was just somebody to talk to - yep
Declarations of secret children - yep however he fabricated a dead child to explain away his being distant and depressed - as opposed to a living one.
Claims of being in a mental health crisis - yep

He is a shit bag of the highest order and you absolutely must get rid of him. You have a good job, a supportive mother, hopefully supportive friends and a safety net of your 25k coming back to you. Take this opportunity to cut him off because you will most certainly regret it if you don't. Don't allow him to drag you down any further. Take it from somebody who wasted their whole 20's on a waste of space like that.

I wish you well. You will do just fine without him.

You need to walk away from him. It is irrelevant that there is love there, it is not enough. This man is financially and emotionally abusive. He is a bad father and a bad partner. He is entirely untrustworthy.

Your first responsibility is toward your baby. You need some security for that child and he is getting in the way of that. You are not making him suffer, he has made choices and they have consequences, that is nothing to do with you.

You mentioned doing a lot of overtime to clear debt, did he? You don't need to set out to make him suffer, but you should seek to get out what you put in. Your child needs you to.

I understand that you want to help him, but you are not well placed for that.

He has family, he can go to the doctor if depressed, he has support from this other woman. He will be fine. You might not if you stay with him. You would be gambling with your mental health and you simply cannot afford that right now as your baby needs at least one reliable parent. Put that baby first.