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Original poster

Men who are "Open to children"

107 replies

Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:30

I want children and I'm in my thirties. On online dating sites I have been talking to men who state they are "open" to children.
I'm worried about wasting precious time with people whose priorities aren't aligned with mine and tend to meet only people who say they know they want kids.
I was talking to a nice man (41) that said "I am open to children but I will be honest I am not in a hurry". I bid him good day and went on my way.
My sister said she thought I was silly to not even meet him. That he might decide in a few months time that he is crazy about me and would be up for going down that route. She also says you have no idea what he means by "not in a hurry" and that he might mean he doesn't want to start in the next 6 months and I should at least meet him.
To me I feel like its a potential to fall for someone, be strung along for a bit and then evidently the relationship end because he's still not sure. Especially considering he's saying this at 41!
What do you think?

OP posts:
CherryGenoa · 19/09/2022 13:33

I agree with your approach. Hope you find someone lovely 🥰

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:39

Thanks. We got in a bit of a heated discussion about it. She said I'm putting too much pressure on the first meeting and should at least meet him and have a conversation about it with him to get his thoughts. I think she's being a bit naive thinking that a 41 year old man who said he's not in a hurry to have children will suddenly be willing to settle down and have children in the next 2 or 3 years? She said if after a few months time he still feels the same then I can call it then. I just do not see the point!

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 19/09/2022 13:40

Tricky one

Are you in early or late thirties?

I don't see any harm in at least meeting someone 'open to children' as you'll probably get a better idea once you've met f2f if he's a player or a decent man who just doesn't have a desperate need to be a father but is genuinely open to the idea if he meets the right person

I can understand your logic more if you are late thirties as you have less time so may prefer to be a bit more ruthless

IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 13:41

I'm open to children in this context means I don't want children but if I tell you I might do, I'll get at least a couple of years out of you before you realise.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:42

I am 35

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 19/09/2022 13:42

Your approach is right - he sounds like he might (or might not) want them in 5-10 years, and that isn’t your timeline. He needs to be dating women in their 20s, or women who are happily child-free.

Honestly, given he is already in his 40s, he should just stick with child-free women, but he knows that drastically limits his dating pool, so he is hedging and saying the “right woman” might be able to talk him round eventually.

DH has a friend like this. Definitely “open” to the idea of marriage and kids with “the right woman”, but funnily enough he always ends up in LTRs with women who are just not right enough in precisely the right way for him to marry them. He has a string of 5-8 year relationships behind him, with increasingly younger girls, all of which end when their biological clock starts ticking and he dumps them. All lovely women, all of whom he was quite happy to live with for 5+ years, but none of them quite perfect enough to commit to.

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 13:42

You were right to give him a swerve

Wallywobbles · 19/09/2022 13:43

My experience was if you are upfront about it it'll put of the time wasters so nothing to loose.

Hillrunning · 19/09/2022 13:46

In no rush but open is fine if he is 30. 41 is far too old for you in this situation.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:47

Changechangychange · 19/09/2022 13:42

Your approach is right - he sounds like he might (or might not) want them in 5-10 years, and that isn’t your timeline. He needs to be dating women in their 20s, or women who are happily child-free.

Honestly, given he is already in his 40s, he should just stick with child-free women, but he knows that drastically limits his dating pool, so he is hedging and saying the “right woman” might be able to talk him round eventually.

DH has a friend like this. Definitely “open” to the idea of marriage and kids with “the right woman”, but funnily enough he always ends up in LTRs with women who are just not right enough in precisely the right way for him to marry them. He has a string of 5-8 year relationships behind him, with increasingly younger girls, all of which end when their biological clock starts ticking and he dumps them. All lovely women, all of whom he was quite happy to live with for 5+ years, but none of them quite perfect enough to commit to.

This is exactly what has happened to me. 5 year relationship ended because he couldn't commit. He's 40 and still not sure so I'm desperately not wanting to repeat this again in the limited time I do have left

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:51

What about men who are my age and "open to children with the right person"?There are a lot of them! Should really at my age I be looking men who say they do want a family or should I be giving the "open" men a chance?

OP posts:
GreenLunchBox · 19/09/2022 13:55

I'd probably give an 'open' man of 35 a chance, but you're right not to entertain someone of 40 who is just 'open' 🙄

GreenLunchBox · 19/09/2022 13:55
  1. That's even worse!
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:57

GreenLunchBox · 19/09/2022 13:55

  1. That's even worse!

41 and "not in a hurry" 😂

OP posts:
Whatsthestoryboringglory · 19/09/2022 13:57

IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 13:41

I'm open to children in this context means I don't want children but if I tell you I might do, I'll get at least a couple of years out of you before you realise.

I’d agree with this. I went on a couple of dates with guys who said this when I asked how they felt about kids. When I then said “ah I personally don’t want kids so if it’s a deal breaker for you we should stop now” one of them tripped over himself to say he definitely doesn’t want kids but only says that because women my age all want babies and he’d never date if he told the truth.

Needless to say he didn’t get a second date. The other fella said he wanted them with the right person and a few years down the line, so he at least was honest.

lemmein · 19/09/2022 13:59

I think your approach is right and actually refreshing. No point wasting time on a maybe when you know what you want!

TedMullins · 19/09/2022 14:04

I think your approach is right. I’m on the other end of the scale. I definitely don’t want kids and I’d make this clear on the first date (or before even meeting, if the topic came up) because there’s no point in me dating someone who does. If I did want them I would apply the same tactic.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 14:05

I also get a lot of "yes but it would have to be with the right person at the right time" even this gets my spidey senses tingling a little bit. Surely it's a given that most people wouldn't just procreate with the "wrong" person. It feels like another stalling tactic to me but maybe I am just burnt from the past and looking to much into this!

OP posts:
TayJay94 · 19/09/2022 14:07

I'm trying at the moment and I'm 27, but I knew I wanted kids and was financially stable enough by the time I was around 20 and finding a man who shared my priorities took a long time. I was definitely strung along not just by people who didn't seem to ultimately want kids, but also realized with my ex that he just wouldn't make a good father even when he did. You're doing the right thing, being firm about what you want and looking for it right away.

TheLongGallery · 19/09/2022 14:12

My own experience looking at friends are that women want children more than men overall.I did not want children and only changed my mind when I met future DH because he was the right person to have them with. It meant I never ever had any pressure in my head and to be honest it drove a couple of my women friends crackers. I would say SIL actually drove men away because that was what all she wanted and the man was just always going to be an incidental.

But if men are not bothered then I can see why you don’t waste time. It’s a numbers game with a chance element that can’t be worked out though and that is probably what your sister is alluding to.

DropOfffArtiste · 19/09/2022 14:13

I think you are right to filter in this way. There are a lot of men who hedge their bets and say whatever they think will get them laid and a lot who don't want to settle down with a family at 35.

With any dating criteria, you want a positive yes, not someone who needs to be persuaded and it will be so much easier when you find someone who wants what you want.

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 14:13

What does your profile say, OP? Do you go for something like 'I've done my carefree partying; now I'm looking for the right person to raise a family with' or somesuch? I'm wondering how women express the clarity and commitment they are looking for.

Penguinwaddler · 19/09/2022 14:17

I'm early 30s and I experience this a lot too. If I'm chatting with someone from OLD and they suggest meeting up, I usually raise the subject of kids as I definitely want them in the future, and want to ensure we are on the same sort of page with what they want from online dating.

If they say they "hadn't really thought about it" or "open to it" and they're late 30s/early 40s then I don't see the point meeting as I feel like it's a waste of everyone's time.

Animalism · 19/09/2022 14:17

I agree with you. You've got ample time to meet the right man for a family and but can't afford to give just anyone a chance (I'm 36 and have only just met someone lovely I see potential with).

Unless this 41 year old guy had a huge amount in common with you or you really thought you'd hit it off then I would focus on those who actively want what you do, and are happy for that to be within a few years. On OLD they're complete strangers you know nothing about so you can't go into it expecting them to change for you (as your sister suggests). I agree with a PP that a 30-33 year old man vaguely wanting a family to no specific timescale is one thing but 41 is quite late to still not be able to give a firm answer.

Feel free to ask people early in the convo. Not the first or second thing you do ask but certainly before arranging a date. Ok, you might get outright liars or those who don't want kids and are scared off, but you will also get decent men who know how biology works and will understand your reasons for only wanting to meet those wanting the same things. One I spoke to explained he did, but in 5-10 years as he hadn't resolved some issues from his own childhood. Fine. He was open and took it with good grace when i declined a date.

Remember, you're not asking them straight off the bat whether they want children with YOU, you're asking do they definitely want them within a suitable timeframe. Therefore it's not putting pressure on a potential relationship, it's establishing what you both want.

I don't know if your sis has done OLD but there are thousands of men out there. You have to have pretty effective filters or it is very time consuming and draining indeed.

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 14:26

Hmmm I’m not sure if I totally agree, my DP is actually 41 and I feel like if we broke up and he returned to online dating, he would say he was “open to children”, he would definitely be ready for children and would make a fantastic dad, he would just never say something like “ready for a family!!” As that would be a bit weird for a guy to say?

I don’t think you should rule out first dates based on this. By all means do the first date, then bring up plans for kids etc on second date and then if they’re a very hesitant fucking you around “open” you can call it. But you might be missing out on some men who will reveal they are genuinely up for kids in person!