Men who are "Open to children"

[Sundaycoffee]

I want children and I'm in my thirties. On online dating sites I have been talking to men who state they are "open" to children.
I'm worried about wasting precious time with people whose priorities aren't aligned with mine and tend to meet only people who say they know they want kids.
I was talking to a nice man (41) that said "I am open to children but I will be honest I am not in a hurry". I bid him good day and went on my way.
My sister said she thought I was silly to not even meet him. That he might decide in a few months time that he is crazy about me and would be up for going down that route. She also says you have no idea what he means by "not in a hurry" and that he might mean he doesn't want to start in the next 6 months and I should at least meet him.
To me I feel like its a potential to fall for someone, be strung along for a bit and then evidently the relationship end because he's still not sure. Especially considering he's saying this at 41!
What do you think?

I don't want anymore children I had DD very young . It would definitely put me off if a man put open to children it would mean he probably wanted them and I definitely don't want anymore.

Exactly! It’s best just to put exactly what you do and don’t want and you’ll find the right person. On my dating profile I put all my positives and negatives, exactly what I did and didn’t want in a partner and a relationship and I’ve been happily married for over 20 years, so that’s always my advice!

I don't mean this offensively, but some of the responses on here make me feel incredibly relieved I'm not single any more!

I honestly cannot see the point in meeting someone if we're fundamentally not a match. If I know that I want children, and he doesn't, then there is absolutely no point at all meeting up. It's just a waste of my time.

It just feels like a really sad state of affairs when you can't be upfront from the start about your ultimate goals. And it feels even sadder that any man who is honest about looking for a long-term relationship and children is going to be judged as only looking for a mother, and not a partner! It's bonkers, it really is.

I did a lot of OLD and I found this such a tricky issue to navigate because of responses like those on this thread. I wasn't looking for just any old man to procreate with, I was looking for the right one and actually, I was exceedingly picky. But I knew I wanted children and anyone who wasn't of the same mindset was never going to be compatible with me. It's very difficult to raise this issue without looking like some kind of one-woman sperm-hunting missile.

( My twist in the tale is that I started dating someone via OLD, had contraception failure, fell pregnant (with twins!!!) but finished with him as I felt we weren't compatible long-term. Had my children as a single mum, and then got with DP who was a friend's brother that I'd known for years! DC are now 12 yrs old and consider DP as their dad. Personally, if I knew then what I know now, I'd have just gone down the sperm donor route. I loved being a single mum. Mad but true!)

Your logic seems to be that because you can't be absolutely certain of the future (no one can!) you shouldn't even try to plan for it or seek what you desire, just in case it doesn't work out. That's a crazy and utterly depressing way to approach life.

I think you're coming on too strong and you should be more open minded because your tension in the matter is probably giving the wrong message.

My DH (who is younger than me) didn't want to get married or have kids but once he met me and got to know me he proposed within 2years & a baby 2years after that. Getting to know me changed his mind, he really saw me as a life partner. That only happened because character shows more when you interact in person rather than via text. As others have said, just cause a guy wants kids doesn't mean they'll be a great dad/partner. .

It's ok to date multiple guys at the same time.

Never done OLD - didn't exist back then, but the way you put it would put me off as it comes across as having a baby is the main reason you want to meet up not to have a life long relationship.

This is exactly what I was going to say.
It's the "no hurry" that is most concerning. I'd see it as him wanting to think about it after a few years, which sadly doesn't work with your timescale.

I always read ‘open to children’ as a bit condescending; like the person is saying, ‘YOU have to persuade ME.’

You're a man though, you have the luxury of waiting. At 35, OP doesn't.

I wouldn't disclose too much in your profile.
Men are such liars and it'd be very easy to say they want the same thing as you but really just looking for a hookup or long-term shag partner.
Let them disclose what they're looking for first.

The'll swear they're looking for a ltr and family
because they know that's what we want.

A vague reply of "well, I'm not sure
yet. We'll see." Might get him to expose his true colours faster.

But even as a 35 year old, that doesn’t mean having a baby with someone you barely know is a good idea, it would also suggest they’re looking for someone to just have a baby with, rather than an actual relationship. Choosing to share the raising of a child with someone you barely know is a huge huge gamble.

It isn’t about the luxury of time; its about making the best decision, no matter age I would see wanting to have a child with someone after only knowing them 12 months as a huge redflag, they would surely be better persuing adoption or donation, rather than having a child with someone they don’t really know.

I think 12 months is a fair amount of time to know someone - particularly when you're mid to late 30s and have a bit of experience behind you. I think that's when we started ttc (might have been closer to 18 months, all kind of blurs now as it took such a long time in total). By which point we were living together, I knew his family, met all his friends, knew his financial situation as he did mine etc.

Depends on the individuals concerned and the way the relationship progresses surely? I don't think 12 months together is 'barely knowing someone' though it's on the quicker side.

Its a tough one because he could be saying this just to get laid or have some fun for a few months. On the other hand, he could just be the sort of person who is happy without kids, but if he met someone he saw a future and family with then he could see them in his future.

A male friend of mine is like this and actually around the same age. Lovely guy, but no burning biological clock so to speak and if asked he would say the same thing about being open to it. But I do see him get 'broody' at times and definitely think if he met the right girl he would be familied up in no time.

I don't know what the right answer to this is because clearly you don't want to waste more years being strung along. I guess what you could do is see what the dating pool is like in terms of quality with men who are more than just open to the idea, and if its grim or not going too well then date the 'open to children' guys and make it clear you won't settle down without kids being discussed in some form (whilst dating or looking for other people for whom kids are more of a priority).

I would date all potential men who would like a baby with me soon or a bit later

I would put a time limit of 6 months maximum to make that decision for undecisive ones.

*for indecisive one

And it feels even sadder that any man who is honest about looking for a long-term relationship and children is going to be judged as only looking for a mother, and not a partner! It's bonkers, it really is.

You realise this is about a stranger you've never met? Not even one date. Why on earth should anyone discuss a topic as complex as their wanting children and under what circumstances with someone they've never met? There are so many things as important when filtering your criteria - doesn't mean you expect to get the information immediately like it's a menu card. Not wanting kids is a clear message and filter out. But wanting kids is a far greyer area that needs thought and reasoning and discussion that can only be done with someone you've met.

People who want kids don't prioritise it in exactly the same way. For some it's a lower priority than whether you're compatible on a host of other values. And anyone who can't understand that is probably too fixated on kids to realise there's differences in the urgency and immediacy of people wanting them. I would trust someone on the topic of kids far more if they had put thought and consideration into their decision at 41 than someone who said they wanted them on autopilot because it was the expected thing. Chances are only one of those guys will make a good dad and husband and it isn't mr auto pilot. Yet only mr auto pilot will share this pre first date because it's not something he feels requires more discussion than sign posting.

To some people,having someone solvent is important. How many of us would be ok discussing our finances and whether we've been bankrupt or not with someone you've never met??? Even though if they wanted kids but were insolvent you'd will be wasting time. Good connections happen if you allow for the grey area of compatibility and chemistry to unravel organically.

@Tuilpmouse I meant the opposite.

There are loads of men in their late 40s and 50s on these dating sites looking to start a family. Astounding really.

People who want kids don't prioritise it in exactly the same way. For some it's a lower priority than whether you're compatible on a host of other values. And anyone who can't understand that is probably too fixated on kids to realise there's differences in the urgency and immediacy of people wanting them. I would trust someone on the topic of kids far more if they had put thought and consideration into their decision at 41 than someone who said they wanted them on autopilot because it was the expected thing. Chances are only one of those guys will make a good dad and husband and it isn't mr auto pilot. Yet only mr auto pilot will share this pre first date because it's not something he feels requires more discussion than sign posting.

DH was Mr Autopilot (we were 22 &23 when we met) he is a great Dad.

I have no problem with someone saying they are open to children, if you're absolutely desperate for children then go to a sperm bank or just state it, if you want a natural relationship to progress and are open to children coming into the picture soon then open to children is more than reasonable.

I think you're right. 31 and not in a rush - fine but at 41? Nah. I like your approach and I wish you lots of luck

You were 100% right op.
In your situation I would only date men who ticked the definitely want children box, or men younger than you who ticked the ‘open to the possibility’ box.
I met dh online and we were both ‘does not want children.’
I vetted out all the ‘possibly’ ones as I completely agree with a previous poster that this means ‘I want to fuck a younger woman, I’m old and don’t value women the same age or older than me-=misogynist.’
I was older than you and frankly a man in his late 40s putting that, no way. Do women in their late 40s put this? I doubt it.
Don’t waste your time op.
Most men will say whatever it takes to get a shag. That’s the bottom line. Do you want to give time and effort to that?
Personally if you don’t meet someone right for you I would consider using a sperm donor if you are prepared to be a single parent. Good luck.

I don’t think a big discussion about having babies is a good idea on a first date, it comes across as desparate. You've left it late, finding a man pushing 40 that wants to start a family is going to be an uphill task, however plenty will say whatever it takes to get you between the sheets.

Find your soulmate first.

Surely it's a given that most people wouldn't just procreate with the "wrong" person.

Judging from what I read on MN: no.

I think it depends on what you want out of life.

If you want a baby then fine meet up with a suitable man and get pregnant (if you can) and have a baby. Don't get married. Being married you're really after someone you'll want to spend your life with, maybe the next 50 years, growing old, losing hair, putting on weight and all the issues that age bring.
If you just want a baby then fine, have one and co-parent.